Some people enjoy gentle love making, but that’s not the only type of sex you can have. Learning how to have rough sex can unleash your own wild side, allowing you to tap into those animalistic urges and really blow off steam. And while this type of sex doesn’t ring everyone’s bell, the unique trust dynamic that must occur for rough sex to remain safe, sane and consensual can actually bring you closer together with your partner.
What You Need to Know About Rough Sex Before You Start
Although the media more frequently portrays women as the more submissive sexual partner (more tips on that here), this doesn’t have to be the case. If you’re the more dominant one, don’t be afraid to take charge. You might be surprised to learn how much your partner likes when you initiate sex, climb on top and set the pace while slapping him! This guide will get you started.
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Furthermore, there’s nothing wrong with switching roles or blurring the lines. Both you and your man might like spanking, choking or biting one another, and there’s nothing wrong with that!
Someone who prefers to “bottom,” or be on the receiving end of rough sex might not play well with another bottom, and the same is true for two tops. However, not everyone identifies with the roles in an emotional way, and you may be able to engage in sex as rough as you like it as long as your partner is giving and game. On the other hand, if you do identify with one of those roles, it may be unsatisfying to have a rougher kind of sex if they’re just going through the motions.
The idea of rough sex might seem scary to you, especially if it’s your partner asking for it and you’ve never considered it before! Even if the idea of having hot and kinky sex turns you on, there might be some trepidation. The best way to get over this is to discuss the type of sex you want to have before you get down to it!
Your discussion about having rough sex should include a list of things you want to do. In fact, being specific about activities such as handcuffs, which make a great, sexy gift, can help to alleviate any concerns your partner may have if his mind runs to the most extreme forms of rough sex.
Recognize that not all rough sex is created equal. Sure, you could tie up your lover and hit him with a chain-link flogger. There’s no denying the roughness of that, but you don’t have to. You and your sexual partners only need to go as far as you’re comfortable. There’s no keeping up with the Joneses here. Indeed, starting off gentler than you think you can handle allows you to work your way up in roughness and find your stride.
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Finally, you’ll want to discuss a safeword with your partner. A safeword is a word, or sometimes a gesture, that you can use to indicate when things are getting too intense and you need your lover to back off or stop entirely. You can choose any safeword; although, something that’s short and easy to say while you’re in the moment is preferable. Check out this post for tips on keeping rough sex safe.
One popular method is Red Yellow Green. You would use it similar to stoplights. If you’re having a good time, let your partner know by saying “green.” “Yellow” means to slow down and use caution, but you might be able to go a little longer. Finally, using a safeword of “Red” indicates that whoever is in charge needs to stop immediately.
In some instances, you or your partner might not be able to use a safeword. For example, if you’ve gagged your partner, you’ll want another way to signal. Tapping the bed or surface is one option. Another is to give your partner a ball that he can drop if the sex becomes too rough.
What Kinds of Things Can You Do During Rough Sex?
Don’t worry if you’re having any trouble coming up with ideas to make your sex life rougher. When you’re just getting into it, you can use your own body and your partner’s body to make it rougher. Imaging pinning down your lover with your hands or even with your knees on his arms! Use your weight to push him up against a wall, table or the bed. There’s so much you can do!
Here are some of our favorite rough sex ideas:
- Pinching nipples, arms, penis, testicles et cetera
- Hitting – face slapping, hitting the breasts, thighs, penis et cetera
- Spanking on the bottom
- Holding arms/hands or legs/feet immobile
- Grabbing of breasts, sides, butts – anywhere you can get a handhold
- Choking or holding your hand around your partner’s throat
- Rough thrusting
- Pushing, pulling and manipulating your partner’s body
- Forcefully taking oral sex by sitting on his face
- Hair pulling
- Tearing off clothes
- Making your partner taste himself by kissing after he’s been in your mouth; alternatively, your partner can put his fingers in your mouth after he’s fingered you
None of these activities require anything other than willing partners. Although, you could grab a spatula or hairbrush to smack your partner’s ass and leave a mark or even a bruise that reminds him who it belongs to. However, you can definitely stop by your local sex toy store or BDSM shop to pick up a few implements that would help in your quest for rougher sex. These include:
- Paddles, floggers, whips and canes for impact play — also great during sex from behind
- Cuffs and restraint systems to hold your partner in place
Getting the Most out of Rough Sex
One of the great parts of rough sex is that you can combine it with other sexual activities, including BDSM and roleplaying. Obviously, rough sex works well if you’re dominant and your partner likes be submissive – or the other way – you can add the physical elements of rougher sex into your power exchange. Check out sexy roleplaying ideas here.
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Even if you’re not into BDSM, learning how to have rough sex offers the benefits of being able to play roles such as police officer and criminal, which will involve some necessary but pleasurable roughness!
Another activity that just seems to go perfectly with rough sex is dirty talking. We have a great guide about dirty talking here. With rough sex, the receiver can ask or even beg for rough treatment, while you can describe the types of things you’ll do to your partner when given the chance or even as you do them. Plus, sending those thoughts as fantasies over text or email during the day can get both your engines going!
If you’re down with it, dirty talk can include degradation. Let your partner know how much you like to see him bound and ready for you. As a woman who likes to be on the receiving end of rougher sex, you might enjoy when your lover reminds you that you’re his property or even to use words that would otherwise be negative outside the context of rough sex. These could include “whore,” “bitch” and “slut,” but there are plenty of other options to choose from!
Alternatively, offering praise for your good and willing partner might be something he’s more receptive to. Either way, dirty talk can feel a little awkward in the beginning, so get in the habit of it.
Although the ideas in this post might have you incredibly turned on, and you can’t wait to share them with your lover, rough sex isn’t always about pushing the envelope. You might engage in rough sex only some of the time, which will make it seem that much hotter as compared to your more traditional sex.
How to Have Rough Sex Without Negative Connotations
Obviously, rough sex comes with some risks. For example, binding too tightly can cut off circulation, and biting and hitting can leave bruises. You might not mind, but you should take a few steps to ensure things are safe.
- Never strike your partner over exposed organs such as the kidneys. Aim for fleshier parts of the body.
- Use only restraints that do not restrict blood flow.
- Don’t press against your partner’s trachea.
- Do not hit strong enough to break a bone.
- Use lube to prevent vaginal or anal tearing. More info here.
Sometimes, you can be too rough. Things you thought you wanted might actually be a turn off. That’s why it’s so important for partners to check into each other after rough sex.
Ask your man what he thought of the session. Highlight what both of you liked and what you might change in the future. You might also take this time to reconnect with gentler caresses and cuddling, which promotes intimacy and helps you ease out of the passionate and aggressive state that rough sex creates. There’s no need to rush back into the real world when you have that much adrenaline coursing through your veins!
For some people, the behavior that comes with rough sex is natural and they don’t actually have to learn how to have rough sex. Others will find this guide helpful in adding roughness to the bedroom. Still, some people aren’t interested in rough sex. It may be something you sacrifice if your partner doesn’t feel it, or you may be the person who doesn’t understand the appeal of rougher sex. Either is perfectly okay as long as you enjoy the sex you do have.
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