#42 Hysterical Bonding

On today’s show we welcome Lee, who is here to tell us her personal story and how her husband cheating on her boosted her libido due to a phenomenon called hysterical bonding.  Hysterical bonding is a term which hasn’t been studied extensively yet. However, it’s a phenomenon that many people can relate to.

It describes what happens when someone is cheated on by their partner, or is broken up with, and they want to do anything to win back their ex’s affections. It sounds counter-intuitive and paradoxical, but that’s because there are many different emotions at play. We’re discussing her marriage of 24 years, how she found out that her husband had been cheating on her and what led her to sticking around and wanting to rebuild the relationship. To hear more about Lee’s story, stay tuned!

Key Points From This Episode

• Hear more about Lee’s background.
• Growing up with an alcoholic, verbal abusive father.
• How Lee met her husband and got married 11 months into the relationship.
• The first signs that something wasn’t right.
• How Lee’s car accident and neck injury led to her being dependent on pain medication.
• The effect of the pain medication on Lee’s libido.
• Why guys who are getting fulfilled still go out looking for more.
• Having found the love of your life but also wanting sex or a relationship outside of that.
• Finding out about the other women.
• When the hysterical bonding kicked in.
• How Lee regained her libido and has been having sex 2/3 times a day since.
• Trying to rebuild the relationship, starting in the bedroom.
• Lee’s advice to listeners going through a similar situation with their partner.
• And so much more!

Tweetables

“Our first several years of marriage were, I mean, I wouldn’t say perfect because I don’t think there’s a thing as perfect but I was very happy and I felt like he was too.” — Lee [0:09:51]

“I was keeping him satisfied, the problem was, you know, I think he was not happy with the fact that he wasn’t able to satisfy me.” — Lee [0:15:37]

“How can I be just totally heartbroken, devastated and at the same time want my husband?” — Lee [0:29:55]

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Transcript

[0:01:02.1] Sean Jameson: Today, I’m talking to Lee about her marriage of 24 years, how she found out that her husband had been cheating on her and interestingly how him cheating on her boosted her libido due to phenomenon called hysterical bonding. Lee, thanks so much for coming on the podcast to tell your story.

[0:01:22.2] Lee: Sure.

[0:01:23.3] SJ: I’d love to start off with you and your background and maybe you could tell me a little bit about where you grew up and what your family life is like when you were younger?

[0:01:34.9] L: Well, I grew up in Oklahoma in the country and grew up in a small town, kind of basically daddy’s girl. Was very close to my dad, not as close to my mom and of course, you know, there was also some issues that kind of arose in high school because my dad was an alcoholic.

Things weren’t really well. When I was in high school, literally, I was most of the time having to stay at friend’s house just because of how bad it was, you know? In the home, with my parents.

[0:02:09.5] SJ: Was he aggressive or angry or –

[0:02:12.6] L: Just verbally abusive, you know, abusive towards my mom, verbally abusive towards me and my brother and so I a lot of times would ask to stay with a friend just so I would kind of avoid being there.

[0:02:30.8] SJ: How would you describe your childhood overall, was it happy, sad, in between?

[0:02:36.8] L: Kind of in between. I mean, I was very close to my dad and of course when he was sober, he was a great guy, you know? When he was drunk, it was a different story and the older that we, us kids got, he was drinking more and more and the rampages were becoming a lot more hostile and so, in my high school years, I was trying my very best to disappear just so I didn’t have to be around.

[0:03:05.1] SJ: Completely understandable. I don’t think anyone wants to be around someone who is just angry all the time.

[0:03:11.7] L: Yeah.

[0:03:13.6] SJ: How did you meet your husband then? Could you describe maybe, the day you met him, how you met him?

[0:03:19.8] L: Kind of an interesting situation. My best friend form high school is basically, she was married to my husband’s brother and she was introducing, what she was doing was inviting us over to her house at the same time, in hopes that we would meet each other and like each other.

I go over there and I’m having a conversation with her and just kind of hanging out and I notice my future husband, kind of keeps coming in the room and kind of looking at me and then disappearing for a little bit and coming back and looking at me and you know, it was kind of awkward at first, kind of like you know, what’s up with – who is the guy that keeps popping in and like staring at me.

It kind of started there and I mean, of course I had no idea that she was trying to fix us up with one another.

[0:04:20.1] SJ: Did he know you?

[0:04:22.6] L: No, he did not. He had just gotten out of the military at the time. He was in desert storm and so he had only been out of the military for a few months at the time that we met.

[0:04:35.1] SJ: okay. What age were you guys when you first met?

[0:04:38.7] L: 23.

[0:04:39.5] SJ: Cool. Did you hit it off then straight away or was it just a case of him popping up in places just looking at you and then leaving?

[0:04:49.5] L: No, actually, this is going to sound kind of silly but I mean, once we started talking with one another, we were inseparable, I mean, we were just crazy about one another. We knew pretty quick that we wanted to be together for like – we knew pretty quick that you know, we wanted to be married to one another.

[0:05:14.9] SJ: Why, what was that reason?

[0:05:16.9] L: You know, it’s really hard to describe, I mean, just like I said we were inseparable, we enjoyed each other, we wanted to spend every moment together, we couldn’t imagine our time without one another. I mean, we were just crazy about one another and so I don’t know, I guess the next natural step was you know, talking about marrying one another so 10 months in, we got married.

[0:05:46.4] SJ: How did he propose?

[0:05:48.6] L: He took me out to the lake, there’s this cliff on the – there’s a beautiful lake nearby here and he took me out to this really tall rock cliff and he got down on his knee and asked me to marry him.

[0:06:06.7] SJ: Did you know when he brought you out to the lake, did you suspect what he had planned?

[0:06:11.1] L: Not at all. I mean, we had, we were talking about it, I knew it was kind of coming but I didn’t know that that visit to the cliff was going to be him asking to marry me.

[0:06:26.8] SJ: It was a nice surprise?

[0:06:29.0] L: it was a nice surprise.

[0:06:30.9] SJ: Did you guys then get married really soon after or was it a long engagement or how was it?

[0:06:38.3] L: I mean, just like a month. I can’t quite remember. It was probably like a month or two later and it’s kind of a funny story. Our original goal was we were going to drive to Eureka Springs, Arkansas which is a really beautiful place to get married by the way.

We didn’t plan it all that well because there ended up being like a foot of snow on the ground. We made it part of the way there and we ended up in Bentonville County, courthouse which is of course the home of Sam Walton, you know? Who founded Walmart.

We ended up at Bentonville County courthouse on a snow day, we get there and we just decide, okay, we’re not going to make it to Eureka Springs so let’s just get married in the courthouse. We ended up having to call the judge was on a snow day. He gets called in and he shows up and sweats, Walmart sweatshirt and I don’t know, what do you call those furry Russian hats, he had one of those on.

[0:07:49.1] SJ: I know what you mean.

[0:07:51.7] L: It was almost like something you’d see on a sitcom and of course, my husband got a little aggravated at me because it was a little awkward, you know, you have this judge show up and you know, sweat, snow boots sweatshirt, you know, this furry Russian hat and so it was kind of giggling a little just because it was just not what I was expecting.

[0:08:17.2] SJ: I think sometimes though, those experiences end up maybe being more memorable and fun and then fun to retell your friends. That sounds pretty cool.

[0:08:26.6] L: Yeah, he always, when he tells the story to people, he always says, “yeah, did she tell you that she laughed at me on the day that she married me,” and it’s like, I was giggling more at just the circumstances and we got like a foot of snow on the ground, we ended up at a courthouse and you know, it was almost like something you would see in a sitcom or something or comedy.

[0:08:54.4] SJ: Yeah, like a romantic movie.

[0:08:56.9] L: Yeah, absolutely.

[0:08:59.0] SJ: What was the first few years of marriage like?

[0:09:02.3] L: I mean, honestly, we’re busy working, both of us were working full time, going to school full time, we had our daughter three years into our marriage so I mean, we were just really busy, we had a lot going on but I felt like we were happy.

We enjoyed each other when we had the time, we were just you know, incredibly busy between working full time, going to school full time and working towards our goals to get our college degrees.

[0:09:39.7] SJ: Awesome. Do they continue like that then? Was there more kids, how did it keep going?

[0:09:45.4] L: We just had the one daughter and of course she’s 20 now but you know, honestly, our first several years of marriage were, I mean, I wouldn’t say perfect because I don’t think there’s a thing as perfect but I was very happy and I felt like he was too.

[0:10:05.2] SJ: Did you fight a little bit or was it just over –

[0:10:09.6] L: You know, honestly, him and I have you know, never been – I mean, we have minor squabbles but we really don’t argue very much at all.

[0:10:22.7] SJ: awesome.

[0:10:23.9] L: It’s usually maybe once a year we’ll have an argument but there’s never really been a super major horrible argument between us, I mean, most of the time, we just mesh really well with one another.

[0:10:44.3] SJ: Well, that sounds like a good way to be I think. That you can’t argue about you know, the smaller things, maybe get over quick realize that you know, we shouldn’t be maybe arguing so much about it, we need to reach a compromise.

[0:11:00.0] L: Right.

[0:11:01.2] SJ: Yeah, everything you said so far, you kind of seem to have this blissful relationship but you mentioned in your email that you know, your husband cheated on you. I’m wondering, you know, what were the first signs maybe that something wasn’t right?

[0:11:21.7] L: Well, I mean, to be real honest and this is probably a little more information. I just kind of feel like it’s important about 10 years ago, I was involved in a car accident and the car accident ended up causing five neck surgeries I’m now a chronic pain patient, have been for 10 years and so the last 10 years, you know, at one point, they had me on like eight different pain related medications.

You know, I went from healthy, normal, working, to taking pain medicine, taking antidepressants, having to take a lot of medication to control the pain that I was in. My third out of five surgeries, the doctor sent me back to work with my neck broke.

I ended up with permanent nerve damage in my neck and my shoulder. The last 10 years has been pretty hard on him and I both honestly.

[0:12:23.6] SJ: That certainly sounds like it, What about taking all that pain medication? Did you find it addictive or anything or?

[0:12:32.2] L: You know, honestly, I mean, to be real honest, before I was a pain patient, I mean, I never took antidepressants, antianxiety medicine, you know, I mean, never took pain medicine, I’m not a drinker, smoker, I mean, I was clean.

But the amount of pain that I’m in now, if I don’t take pain medicine, I’m at like a 10 level pain because of the mistake that the surgeon made on my neck. I think honestly, what really wrecked my situation was they put me on a medicine and it helps with the antidepressant and anti-anxiety. It also helps with pain. But the only problem is, is it totally destroys your libido and it makes it to where you can’t even have an orgasm.

[0:13:27.4] SJ: Oh no. Yeah, I think there’s a selective serotonin rebuke inhibitor I think, taking SSRI’s. They all do that and I think sometimes, I’m not fully sure but I’ve heard anecdotes where doctors are prescribing them and they don’t tell patients that, “Hey, there’s these side effects, you should be quite weary of.”

[0:13:49.9] L: My doctor never mentioned that you know, it was going to cause that. For five years or so, literally, I could not – it destroyed – well, just imagine, pain already kind of destroys the libido to some degree, then you add to it, you know, a medicine that totally blocks you from being able to have an orgasm with your husband.

You know, I can tell you, my husband, that’s something that is very important to him is me being happy. Correct.

[0:14:24.4] SJ: Yeah, that just sounds like a really tough situation for both of you. It definitely has been and you know, the conversations that we’ve had recently, I wasn’t trying to blame myself in the conversation but in talking with him and just saying, you know, the last 10 years has just been like awful.

As far as you know, us. I mean, we’ve just had with all the surgeries and pain and then you know, medications that were interfering, all that stuff combined was just really hard, not only to me but also on him.

[0:15:02.2] L: Sure.

[0:15:02.7] SJ: Well, naturally, you know? I think anyone’s circumstance changes and then everyone around them obviously it affects them too, especially if it’s your life partner, you know?

[0:15:14.6] L: Absolutely.

[0:15:17.6] SJ: I’m guessing then at some stage your husband got tempted I guess?

[0:15:23.7] L: I guess about 23 years into the marriage and of course, we’re talking about over eight years into him being married to a pain patient and you know, I was keeping him satisfied, the problem was, you know, I think he was not happy with the fact that he wasn’t able to satisfy me.

The medications that I was taking was preventing that from occurring and at some point he put himself out there. 23 years into the marriage, he decides, you know, he’s going to I guess kind of escape it, at least temporarily. He would tell me he was in a course on one of these very – I’m not a very controlling jealous kind of female. I mean, literally, he told me I’m going to be with so and so all night, whatever, I honestly trusted him because for 23 years, I could trust him. He would sometimes be gone, you know, I mean, it got to the point where he was just gone most of the time and when he was here, I mean, I was kind of starting to suspect some things were going on, he was not acting his self.

He was kind of acting colder towards me, more withdrawn. You know, as this was happening, I was searching out ways to make him happy sexually. Also, in the last couple of years, I went from taking eight medications, pain related to three.

[0:17:02.2] SJ: Great.

[0:17:03.5] L: I started kind of slowly taking my life back but I was doing it of course pretty much on my own by myself with very little support from him. At the same time, I’m like looking online, I find you know, I find you, I’m you know –

[0:17:22.1] SJ: Bad Girl’s Bible.

[0:17:24.3] L: Correct. Trying to come up with ways that I can make things more adventurous and you know, happy for him but at that point, he was kind of not going to snap out of what he was doing. I mean, it’s kind of sad because I was literally – he was getting sex every single night from me and still going out and looking elsewhere.

[0:17:52.2] SJ: Why is that? Why do you think a guy who is getting fulfilled I guess and why do you think he’s looking for more?

[0:18:00.2] L: Well, I mean, he claims that it was the thrill of the chase that he enjoyed going out and you know, I guess the feel of you know, just going out and dating and feeling wanted and that spontaneity of that. You know, a few years ago, he would often times ask,  you know, “Hey, let’s go out “and you know, “Hey, let’s go out to eat” or “let’s go out to a movie” or  –

A lot of times I’d be like, “No, you don’t have to take me out, we don’t have to go anywhere, it’s okay,” I would kind of talk him out of it when I honestly should have just gone out with him, you know? At the time I’m kind of like, “you don’t have to take me out,” what I didn’t realize was, I was talking myself out of my own husband and what he wanted.

[0:18:56.1] SJ: Yeah, that sounds tough, it sounds like maybe there was a little bit of miscommunication of wants and needs as well?

[0:19:04.3] L: Definitely was. Obviously, he wanted more than just sex in the bedroom, he wanted to go out and to date one another, he wanted this spontaneity and I didn’t realize how unhappy that he was. You know, the last few years, I would even come to him and say, you know, “Are you happy,” I mean, I could tell something was wrong.

He would be like, “I’m good, I’m totally good, we’re good,” you know? I was just like, “Okay”, you know?

[0:19:38.7] SJ: Sorry for cutting across you but do you think he was saying that because maybe he felt guilty that he didn’t know how to help you and that if I just say everything’s fine, it’s the best I can do.

[0:19:54.5] L: Right. You know, I think honestly, I mean, of course, looking back now, I honestly, you know, with the circumstances of you know, five neck surgeries and everything that I’ve been through and I honestly just think that he was putting himself out there to kind of escape the situation and you know, he tells me now that he had no intention of ever giving me up that I’m the love of his life and it’s just somewhere along the way in the last 10 years, we lost one another.

[0:20:31.9] SJ: But do you believe that? What he said? Do you believe people can be like that? That they can be with their love of their lives but also want to have sex or a relationship outside of that love of my life relationship? What’s your thoughts on that?

[0:20:51.3] L: I mean, I honestly – for me, I don’t get that, but I’m not him. I mean, I honestly, even now, knowing that he’s cheated on, I would never do that but for him, obviously something was missing and I mean he mentions that of course me repeatedly turning him down and when he wanted to go out and do things and of course my mindset is different from his. He wants some spontaneity. I’m like, “Oh you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to take me out, you know? We can just stay at home and do something here” and so we were just on two different separate tracks.

And of course in my mind, I knew things weren’t going well and at one point I switched and said, “Okay, you are never taking me out. We’re never doing anything together other than at bed time” and I was trying to at that point go, “Okay, I know I told you before that you don’t have to take me out. Now I am saying that please, take me out that would be nice.”

[0:22:09.6] SJ: And did he take you?

[0:22:11.3] L: Rarely like I said, he was on a very stubborn track of not swaying from what he was doing. It literally took him realizing I have to either choose this life outside of my home dating these random people or I have to choose my wife.

[0:22:36.7] SJ: And so how did you find out initially that he was seeing other women?

[0:22:43.1] L: I had at the beginning of January, I actually had the other woman show up on my doorstep.

[0:22:48.4] SJ: No way, wow.

[0:22:49.6] L: And you know first I opened the door and she’s asking me where my husband is and I’m like, “Who are you?” “I’m his girlfriend” and I’m like, “Okay, well I’m his wife.”

[0:23:04.5] SJ: And what did she say?

[0:23:06.9] L: You know I invited her in, I had a conversation with her and she basically told me I guess she knew the previous relationship that he had had, he even dated another woman for 11 months before that and he had only dated this woman for three weeks. She started suspecting that he wasn’t being totally honest with her on his marital status and she looked online, found the address and showed up on my doorstep.

[0:23:38.4] SJ: Wow. I got to be honest with you, I mean Lee I think a lot of people would lose their mind when that happens. They feel like grabbing a gun, you know?

[0:23:50.7] L: I literally felt like my heart is going to be out of my chest. My heart was beating like – it literally felt like I was going to beat out of my chest and I literally at one point I said I turned to her while she was here and said, “Take a picture with me” and I took a picture of her and I together and I sent it, texted it to him to let him know that the gig was up.

[0:24:18.1] SJ: Did he text back?

[0:24:20.2] L: He called and basically said, “Well you know, once she leaves I’ll come home and we can have a conversation” so I thanked her for coming and telling me, you know? I mean I was very appreciative that she at least was honest and showed up and told me what was going on because apparently he had a prior girlfriend that found out about me and that woman never showed up on my doorstep to let me know.

So I was appreciative that at least you know she gave me that. She told me what was going on, she leaves and then of course he shows up about an hour later and of course we talked for hours that evening. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I felt like I couldn’t do anything. All I could think about was him cheating.

[0:25:16.9] SJ: And then when did this I guess libido kick in, the hysterical bonding?

[0:25:23.3] L: Honestly, literally within hours with I found at about four in the afternoon that day and literally by bed time I – and it was very confusing at first because you know I was so mad at him. I was so angry with him but at the same time, my body was like, “You’re mine. You are mine and nobody else’s” and it was such a strong – I have not felt anything like it. It was like, “You’re mine, you are not going anywhere” and it was like this primal my body taken over claiming him as mine.

[0:26:18.4] SJ: And did that feel good in the moment?

[0:26:22.8] L: I mean honestly, this has been going on for two months now and it’s some of the best sex I’ve had in my life and he would say the same or at least that’s what he’s been telling me.

[0:26:39.4] SJ: And has it been good for you? That is what I am wondering?

[0:26:42.7] L: It has been very good for me and I think it has been very good for him. I will say this, I feel like we have to start repairing somewhere. You know early on in that process I was very confused because I was like, “Okay, how can I feel this way?” you know he just cheated on me. He’s been cheating on me with more than one woman and here I am having sex with him. It was very confusing so I was like of course nowadays you can look anything up online right?

So I am looking up online trying to figure out why am I responding this way. It was very confusing and a lot of what I read was that this tends to go one way or the other that either you go into hysterical bonding or there’s the total opposite where you shut down and you’re repulsed and you’re like get away from me. I just happen to be one of those people that I was upset at him, I was mad at him, I was all the normal feelings of just finding out that he’s cheated on me.

But I pretty much was claiming him and telling him, “You are mine, you are not going anywhere. You are mine” like I said, it was very primal. I have never felt anything like it before.

[0:28:12.3] SJ: And have you talked to anyone that has experienced it before?

[0:28:17.2] L: Actually no. I mean I haven’t. My husband actually has a friend that I guess several years ago he was cheating on his wife and several years ago they went through hysterical bonding and of course I haven’t talked to his wife. I have another friend that about 20 years ago found out her husband was cheating on her and of course the other woman shows up on her doorstep with a baby and her story was totally different.

She was repulsed by him, for four months she wanted – they separated. She wanted her space, she wanted her time to mourn. She was totally repulsed by her husband and what he had done and so I haven’t really talked with another female that has been through it. I’ve just kind of only the stuff I read online where other women have talked about it online but a lot of people just don’t want to talk about it because I mean the stigma is this:

You have people who have gone, “Ew! That’s gross! You know your husband was cheating on you and here you are having all of this sex and bonding with him?” and so you have a lot of judgment and stigma where people just don’t – it doesn’t make sense in their mind. It certainly didn’t make sense on my mind and that is why I was looking it up almost immediately because I was like, “How can I be just totally heartbroken, devastated and at the same time want my husband?”

[0:30:03.8] SJ: Yeah, it is. I totally get what you are saying. I think there’s this effect where people hear a story that they are not involved in. They can see this black and white, “Oh someone cheated on you. Leave his ass” you know?

[0:30:20.6] L: And I can tell you this, almost every single person in my family and friends when they started finding out, I mean it almost felt like us against the world because nobody, nobody was telling me to stay with him. Nobody was supporting my decision to stay with him not even my daughter that found out, you know? So honestly, I mean the other woman found my daughter and told her what happened that I would strongly urge someone who is going through this to be very careful who they tell.

Just because a lot of times family doesn’t respond well and a lot of times they are out of protection of you and fear for you they want to get involve and not in a good way.

[0:31:15.0] SJ: So what about then the last two months with your husband, what have you guys been talking about and how’s his behavior changed maybe?

[0:31:24.8] L: I’ll be real honest, the first few weeks I mean I just had a lot of questions about where he was, who he was seeing, what he was doing, what they did with them and it was very awkward for him because for some like asking him detailed questions about, “Did you have oral sex with her? What kind of sex did you have with her?” I was asking him all these questions and he was of course very uncomfortable but he was answering the questions.

It was almost like kind of a no stone could not be unturned. I wanted to know every bit of information that he had hidden from me and you know I was satisfied with the answers but at the same time I was devastated at the answers.

[0:32:14.6] SJ: Naturally, I don’t think anyone – I think it is a natural thing that you want to know what happened but actually at the same time you kind of don’t but you do. If that makes sense.

[0:32:27.5] L: Yeah. I was trying to – I wanted to fill in every little blank that I possibly could. I mean I still – it is not as bad as what it was at the beginning but literally those first few weeks I was asking a lot of questions and it was very awkward for him and he was answering them to the best of his ability.

[0:32:49.9] SJ: Were you able to both of you sort of begin to repair things?

[0:32:56.7] L: I mean honestly that’s what we’ve been trying to do. I mean literally when he’s not at work, we are spending a lot of time together. We are trying to – he is really trying to regain that trust and he knows it is not going to happen in a week or two months. He knows there’s going to be a lot of time and effort that is going to be put into it. We just started marital counseling. He started last week, I started at the beginning of this week.

And we start separate and eventually we’ll come together in the counseling. So he is seeing the same counselor as me but we’re separate and eventually we’ll come together but the last couple of months, I would say the first few weeks was just a lot of talking, a lot of crying for me, a lot of crying and even having the family trying to butt in, friends trying to butt in and literarlly have them to tune everybody out because it’s just too much noise to deal with on top of just being totally devastated.

It’s just too much so we have to learn to spend time together, talk with one another and to be real honest. Like I said, I am two months into this and I’ve had sex two, three times a day every day ever since.

[0:34:28.6] SJ: Whoa and has it been enjoyable for you? Have you’ve been able to orgasm?

[0:34:33.4] L: Absolutely. I mean like I said, it’s kind of embarrassing honestly but at the same time it is some of the best sex that I’ve ever had in my life and we have to start repairing somewhere and honestly, I was kind of embarrassed and confused at the beginning of all of this because I didn’t really understand what my body was doing. Now, I feel like I honestly have a better chance at repairing things with my husband the way they are than if I was totally repulsed by him and wanted nothing to do with him and I just totally shut him down.

[0:35:18.0] SJ: And so do you think are things moving forward?

[0:35:21.0] L: I do think things are moving forward. I mean it’s obviously Rome wasn’t built in a day. It is going to take time but every day he’s here and we are spending time together and of course, we’re doing date nights. We are taking turns like last week was he planned a date night, this week it will be my turn and so we’re trying to come up with spontaneous things, things we can do together, things we enjoy doing together. We’re trying to rebuild.

[0:35:54.2] SJ: Like to be honestly that is great to hear. I think a lot of people in your situation might just give up in the relationship, maybe their pride gets in their way and they just say, “Oh I can’t live with someone like that is black and white” they’re out. So I am very glad that you found a way to try to work on this.

[0:36:16.4] L: I honestly don’t know. I can’t even imagine trying to repair things with him any other way of course like I said, I responded in a totally different way than what some women do. Some women are totally repulsed and they don’t want their husband touching them and sometimes that goes on for months. For me it was, “I am mad at you, I am angry at you. I am all of the above but you’re mine. You are not going anywhere” and I mean honestly just a very strong urge to totally dominate him as mine.

And of course he’s totally cool with the process. I mean he was kind of confused at the beginning but once I figured out what was going on and of course I didn’t until I looked it up. It was just very confusing, I have never heard of it. I have never heard of hysterical bonding and people don’t want to talk about it and I can understand why. You know like I said, there is so much judgment for people when they’re not in your shoes. They don’t know that feeling of your husband has cheated on you.

I mean I’ve been with this man for a quarter of a century. 25 years that I have been with this man that’s a lot of time and life and love and memories to just throw away and literally within hours of finding out, I am totally devastated but my body is totally in this primal mode of your mind. “You are not going anywhere” it was almost kind of marking my territory kind of thing. Like I said it is very confusing, I have never felt anything like it before.

[0:38:17.6] SJ: So when you say marking your territory, I am kind of curious, do you physically mark them during sex? Do you dig your nails in or give him a love bite or anything like that?

[0:38:29.2] L: No, it’s more or less just wanting me all over him and him all over me kind of thing. You know I am not much of a nail scratching kind of thing. I mean yeah, there is some love nibbles, a lot of play but I mean just the urge for him to be on me and me to be all over him. I would even go so far as to say that the scent of him, the scent of me, the taste of him, the taste of me, all of that has been heightened. I haven’t felt anything like it before.

[0:39:15.2] SJ: So what advice would you have Lee for listeners who find themselves in a similar situation?

[0:39:21.2] L: That is a hard question. It depends on if they want to stay. For me, I honestly feel like part of rebuilding my relationship of my husband starts in the bedroom and honestly, even though I am still having to work through a lot of distrust and a lot of anger issues and honestly, it depends on the woman and what she’s willing to – what her choice is. For me, I choose my 25 years and to stay because my husband has decided that he’s not going anywhere.

I mean he’s been right here ever since and we’re going through counseling and we have just been. I’ve been real honest, I mean we have been dating. We’ve been dating one another again. We’ve been going back to the beginning of our relationship and trying to – I would almost describe it as the worst thing you’re old marriage and saying, “You know what? That wasn’t working with us. Let’s just start over” and literally that’s what we are trying to do.

We are starting over. I mean literally the first few weeks, he took me back to the cliff where he proposed to me and he asked me to marry him all over again. We go out on dates, we spend a lot of time together, we talk more so there’s just a lot more time we’re spending together and of course, I mean there is a lot of makeup sex in there but there’s also the talking, the dating. My husband was missing the spontaneousness of our relationship together and I am trying to give that back to him while he rebuild trust with me.

[0:41:34.5] SJ: Lee, I think that is a great place to leave the podcast. Thanks so much for coming on the show to tell your story.

[0:41:41.7] L: Well, thank you very much.