This discreet newsletter will teach you how to give him freaky oral sex & make him scream your name in bed. Click here to get it.
When you learn how to be submissive during sex, you will experience a whole new world of kinky, incredible sex. First, keep in mind that being submissive and power exchange is a two-way street, which means…
You’ll have to talk to your man about it if you’re interested. It’s best to talk to him about it well before the fact and not during the heat of the moment. Switching from regular sex to that which includes BDSM can be tricky or awkward in the moment. Discussing it beforehand also helps you to determine what you’re both comfortable doing and not doing.
Side note: If you are currently struggling to orgasm during sex or masturbation, then you may want to learn about the Easy Orgasm Solution. It will teach you how to have multiple vaginal and full body orgasms during sex and masturbation. It works even if you currently struggle to orgasm during sex or when masturbating. You can find out more here.
If you’re unsure how your partner will react, approach the subject by explaining exactly what it is you wish to do – being tied up, spanking, flogging, blindfolds, orgasm control, service or some other form of BDSM.
Many of these activities also show up when you have rough sex. More on rough sex.
You might simply want to be taken over his lap, but saying you want to try “BDSM” might bring to mind more extreme forms of bondage and discipline or even ideas of abuse that aren’t actually safe, sane and consensual.
Unless he might be receptive during the moment, it’s better to have this discussion in a neutral time and place. This also gives you time to research BDSM activities that could be risky.
Related: The meaning of dom and sub.
If you want to give your man back-arching, toe-curling, screaming orgasms that will keep him sexually addicted to you, then you'll find them in my private and discreet newsletter. You'll also learn the 5 dangerous & "dumb" sex mistakes that turn him off and how to avoid them. Get it here.
What If He’s Not Dominant?
Hopefully, you’ll be matched with a partner who is interested in playing the counterpart role to yours, but this isn’t always the case. While you can’t force the desire to dominate in another person, you can highlight how powerful he will feel by taking on that mantle so that he can make demands of and perform erotic activities with you.
You may also find that your partner is interested in trying on the dominant role but is worried about hurting you. This is a major stumbling block for some couples.
Having a safe word, which you’ll read about later, can help put you both at ease. If you know that pain or submission turns you on, you can also explain how that feels for you. For example, you can tell him that although something might hurt, you don’t experience it in a negative way. It’s something that makes you more aroused.
Either way, your boyfriend or husband might need encouraging if you’re really interested in submitting. In fact, if he does have interest in dominating you, he might not understand what you see in playing the counterpart. If this is the case, then you simply need to explain it to him.
If service is a large component, you can discuss how pleasing him ultimately pleases you as well.
How to Be A Good Submissive
Before you get to the specific activities that submission involves, you need to understand what it takes to be a good submissive. This foundation will guide your words, behaviors, and even thoughts as a submissive. And these guidelines don’t just help you serve your partner; they help you determine whether a partner is a good match for you, grow as a person, and get the most out of your relationship.
The basis of submission includes only entering into play or relationship to which you fully consent, being honest with yourself and your partner, having an open mind, and caring for your mental and physical health.
Being a good submissive requires an immense amount of trust. Otherwise, how or why would you hand over control to your partner? During play, it’s your responsibility not just to listen to commands given to you but also to utilize your safe word (more on that in a bit) if play approaches your limits. You should also provide feedback about scenes.
Submissives may have specific expectations in scenes and their relationships, and these things, including punishments, are agreed upon by both dominant and submissive. Because each relationship or interaction can look so different, there is no one-size-fits-all description of what makes a good submissive. This is also why you might make a great submissive for one partner but a poor one for another. Rather, you must determine what kind of submissive you are/want to be and how you will interact with your partner and rely on this foundation to guide your good submissive behavior.
Discover your sexual personality with our Sexual Blueprint and BDSM Test.
Finally, remember that there is no such thing as a perfect submissive. Your submission, like everything else in your life, is imperfect, and striving to be the best version of yourself is a lifelong project. You can only work toward being a better submissive tomorrow than you are today, and frustrations in your life or relationship can make it hard for you to be a good sub from time to time. It’s also important to keep in mind that what it means to be a good submissive can change over time as your relationship changes. For some people, their submission only grows, but this isn’t the case for everyone.
Also, keep in mind that there are different kinds of submission. You could be a shy kind of sub or a BDSM brat.
To find out more about how to be a good sub, check out our guide to submissive rules.
A Primer on How to Be Submissive
Although this article will suggest plenty of behaviors that show you how to be submissive and exemplify power exchange between you and your partner, there’s no one way to be submissive.
Instead, you should look for ways to show submission to your partner that you are personally comfortable with.
Generally, a submissive person will be the one who is bound, gagged or blindfolded…or a combination of all 3. Often; a submissive will wear a collar in addition to those binds. Your submissive persona may be the receiver of penetrative sex and impact play such as a spanking, paddling, or flogging. If you’re engaging in BDSM with sex, you might find that giving oral sex to your partner helps you feel submissive.
The feeling of power that a person often feels when receiving oral sex certainly lends itself to the power exchange you’re looking for. You’ll learn more about giving your man a great blow job from the tips in the Blow Job Guide.
To really dive into the submissive role, you can ask your partner whether you can perform certain actions, such as bringing yourself to orgasm or changing position (100+ sex positions here). You might also find that you both enjoy it if you call your partner “Sir” – or another nickname that indicates your positions of dominance and submission.
Some power exchange relationships extend outside the bedroom. For example, serving your partner at home or even in public can be a sign of subservience. You might have a specific routine that requires you to kneel or to drop your eyes when in front of him. Many of these things can be adapted to playtime in the bedroom and vice versa.
Not So Submissive?
What if your partner wants you to be submissive but you’re not naturally inclined to be that way, the best you might be able to do is to play a bottom for the scene.
What is a bottom?
Bottoms receive the same bondage and discipline as a submissive, but the idea is that it’s a temporary role, and you don’t have to necessarily feel submissive.
Roleplaying Ideas for Dominance, and Submission
For some people, it’s easier to get into a submissive headspace by playing a specific role that’s associated with submission while your partner plays an authority role. Here are a few:
- Teacher and student
- Boss and employee/secretary (maid is common)
- Coach and athlete
- Doctor and patient (or nurse)
- Cop and prisoner/criminal (interrogation or prison scene)
- Personal trainer and client
- Kidnapper and victim
- Military personnel (he gives orders, and you must abide)
- Owner and pet
- Photographer and model
- Pirate and maiden
Of course, there are many other scenarios that you could play with your partner, and you could simply be the more dominant and submissive versions of yourselves, respectively. However, roles add in an idea of how a scene should play out and the type of submission/domination that each person will display. For more tips on roleplaying, check out these 43 sexy role playing ideas.
These roles are often played with bondage. You might think bondage is extreme, but it can be as simple as holding your wrists during sex or using a single pair of cuffs. Go over our bondage for beginners guide to learn more.
How to Be Submissive Without Giving up All Control
Remember that just because you are the submissive or bottom doesn’t mean you lack control. You should discuss with your partner what will happen before the fact if you’re planning a serious BDSM scene rather than just sprinkling in a few elements into your regular sexual routine.
A “scene” is your playtime. It may be scheduled and activities planned beforehand, or it may be more loosely planned and spontaneous, taking shaping as you go. Sometimes people refer to “the scene,” meaning the BDSM community.
A safe word can also help to ease your reluctance if you’re not sure about this whole BDSM thing. A safe word is a word or phrase you can say when things are too intense for you to handle. Your safe word should be easy to remember and say even when you’re under duress. Wikipedia has some great info on safe words here.
A popular system is the “Light” system in which you instruct your partner, saying:
- Red when you want him to stop
- Yellow when you want him to slow down
- Green when you want him to continue
It can be exhilarating to give up control in the bedroom, but it can also be frightening if you don’t feel safe or understand how to be submissive in a healthy way.
Even if you enjoy being a submissive, you may still run into intense feelings or find that your scenes trigger past traumas. Both of those things are normal, and if your relationship is healthy, you should be able to work through them to truly enjoy how erotic and freeing BDSM can be.
Unsafe Play Partners and Red Flags
Beware of any partner who thinks the only way to be submissive is to give complete control. A lack of safe words, discussion of what’s going to happen and your feelings or wanting to jump into a BDSM-like scenario too early in your relationship can be a red flag that this person is a potential abuser.
A potential abuser or unsafe partner may not let you state your limits or needs, perhaps arguing that you’re not submitting enough when you do so. But that’s not true. Ignoring your safe word is another huge red flag.
Other red flags include
- Isolating you from your friends and family
- Barring contact with others in the scene
- Trying to “break” you
- Humiliating or belittling you outside of a scene
- Mood swings
- Not communicating
- Making you about your submission
- Refusing to admit fault or to apologize after making a mistake
- Ignoring requests to use condoms or engage in safer sex
- Pushing your limits
- Forcing you to do things that could harm you such as not allowing you to use the bathroom
- Lying or cheating
- Drug or alcohol abuse especially during a scene
- Prior bad relationships
- Being critical
- Trying to force you to submit
BDSM is a far cry from actual abuse because you should both be benefiting from BDSM, and no one should truly force you to do anything you don’t feel safe or comfortable doing. Reaching out to members of your community should be encouraged as should remaining connected with your own support network.
Turning the Tables
We commonly see images of dominant males and submissive females, but that’s not the only way how to be submissive. Your man could submit to you, the powerful woman, or you can take turns with dominance and submission. A person who enjoys both roles is known as a switch [1, 2], and a switch gets to experience both sides of the coin.
Taking on the dominant role has the obvious benefit of you getting to use your man for your pleasure and benefit. It’s also a great way to show him what you like in bed and to train him to do those things on command! Just because you’re a woman doesn’t mean you have to be submissive, and you can learn a lot about yourself by exploring your dominant side too, as I explain in this guide.
Learn: 162 dominant commands for your submissive.
When done right, exploring BDSM follows the mantra of “safe, sane and consensual.” Whether you want to be dominant or submissive, there’s no reason to be ashamed or even afraid. With honest and open communication, you can safely explore those sides of you to find things that turn you on or even bring you closer to your man.
One of the benefits of BDSM is that it encourages honest — and frequent — communication about sex. But society often doesn’t encourage us to talk about sex, even with our partners. If you’re unsure where to start or what to say, our guide to sexual communication may help.
Getting Into BDSM
Now that you know some of the basics of BDSM and submission, you might be eager to start. There are plenty of articles on Bad Girls Bible to help you explore BDSM starting with BDSM for Beginners and What Is BDSM?
BDSM Information for Newbies
- Light Bondage: Powerplay & Enhancing Your Sex Life
- 8 Vital BDSM Rules To Keep It Safe, Sane & Crazy-Kinky
- The Complete BDSM Aftercare Guide: Learn How To Do It Right.
- BDSM Subspace: The Good, The Dangers & Aftercare
When You’ve Got A Little Experience
Once you’ve got the basics down and you’re sure you want to explore more BDSM, check out the
- 16 BDSM Punishments for Effective Behavior Training
- 13 Deeply Intense Bondage Positions For Your Next BDSM Scene
- Pet Play 101: Doggies, Kittens, and Ponies, Oh My!
- How You Can Have a Functional (and Sexy) D/s Relationship
- The Ultimate Guide To Domestic Discipline & Improving Your Relationship
For the Most Serious BDSM Lovers
If you love BDSM and your power exchange relationship, you may want to engage in it 24/7. This is known as total power exchange. Some people find it very fulfilling, but it’s not for everyone!
No matter how experienced you are, we recommend progressing slower than you think necessary and starting any impact play lighter than light. You should check in regularly with one another to make sure it’s going okay .
What The Science Says
A few studies of BDSM have been enlightening. For example, one study found that people wearing ball gags experienced less empathy to others’ suffering .
Another study found that submissives experienced an increase in testosterone and cortisol during a scene. . Others studies found similar increases in cortisol . But cortisol can also decrease due to BDSM activities .
SM 101 is a book by Jay Wiseman, a respect BDSM practitioner. You can use it similar to a BDSM manual because he teaches basic skills and talks about safety in it. Jay Wiseman also created a BDSM checklist that can stand in for a contract and describe desires, limits, and pertinent medical information.
Another book geared specifically toward submissives is How to Be a Healthy and Happy Submissive.
The New Bottoming Book is also helpful to aspiring submissives — and there’s a counterpart for tops!
Kate Kinsey wrote a message to submissives about the dominants they choose to play with. This describes the behavior you should be wary of with
You can discuss BDSM with an active community on Reddit.
Finally, check out this article in the Ask Carole feature of The Guardian where Carole responds to a reader whose girlfriend can only seem to orgasm why tied up. It discusses how orgasm works and why BDSM provides the intensity some people require.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQ #1 – Why would anyone want to submit?
This question can be viewed in two ways. The first is a question about why people would be interested in BDSM in general.
BDSM Because of Trauma? – Some people wonder if those who are interested in submission or BDSM, in general, have experienced some sort of trauma. While it may occasionally be the case that past trauma has led someone to this interest, research hasn’t shown this to be the case [8 p 252, 9 ch 3].
Mental Instability? – Other people suggest that those were are into BDSM are mentally unstable or unable to perform during vanilla sex, but one study debunked the idea that BDSM practitioners had sexual difficulties or were more pathological than their peers . Another study found BDSM practitioners to be no more likely to have clinical disorders than vanilla people . Another study on a Dutch population found that kinksters might even be more agreeable and less neurotic than the general population .
Escapism – Sex researcher Justin Lehmiller suggests that BDSM fantasies may be a form of escapism [13 p 126], and participating in BDSM activities may be an extension of that. BDSM enables you to try on a role.
BDSM = Low Self-Worth? The question surrounding submission specifically is usually framed regarding self-worth. People wonder if submitting means you think you’re worthless (or if the dominant partner does). Some might wonder if it’s inherently sexist for a woman to submit to a man (although, women can be dominants and same-sex couples can practice BDSM, too). The short answer is no (and BDSM bolster’s some women’s self-worth ).
BDSM can be a healthy reflection, and you can choose how it looks. Just because you choose to submit doesn’t mean you don’t value yourself, nor does it mean that someone who chooses to dominate you sees no value in you. In fact, the opposite may very well be true, and your relationship should be equal outside of the scene .
Submissive Psychology – A Canadian study of sadomasochism found that masochists were no more mentally unstable or prone to psychological distress than other groups of people . And someone who is a masochist is more likely to be drawn to submission and submitting during sex than dominance.
You can be a submissive who also identifies as a feminist. You can be a strong woman and enjoy submitting. In fact, the reason why some people enjoy submitting is that they have so much responsibility outside of the bedroom. When you step inside the bedroom and take on a submissive role, you don’t have to worry about being responsible for anything.
An interest in BDSM or submission might be unusual enough for some people to consider it “weird” but it’s certainly not immoral. In fact, one research team described a study on participants like this :
From the analysis of the interviews we found that BDSM participants defined their sexuality as mainly usual and normal.
It may not be all that uncommon, either.
FAQ #2 – How common is an interest in BDSM or submission?
According to Lehmiller’s research, BDSM came in a close-second place of common fantasies, and most people had fantasized about it with less than 10% of people having never fantasized about BDSM [13 p 19]. A study from 1999 found that 72.2% of men and 58.8% of women had favorable thoughts or “cognitions” about being tied up sexually . Research from Belgium found that nearly 70% of the population had ever fantasized or actually engaged in BDSM .
Regarding BDSM activities, the Belgian study found that 46.8% of respondents had ever tried a BDSM activity; however, this number dropped significantly to 12.5% of people when asked if the did so on a regular basis . An Australian study from 2008 found that between 1% and 2% of the population had engaged in BDSM during the last 12 months . The Dutch study mentioned earlier highlighted the BDSM engagement of a slightly higher portion of the population: 3% . A more recent study revealed that 31.9% of participants had ever been spanked or spanked a partner. However, the numbers were lesser for tying up (21.1%) and whipping (15%) .
A few studies have looked at BDSM identities. For instance, one study found that 75.6% of female BDSM practitioners were submissive with another 16.4% being switches . While men more commonly identified with dominant roles, 33.4% of men were submissives and 18.3% of men were switches. Another survey found that 34% of people played the submissive role .
While fewer people may be practicing BDSM and submitting than those who fantasize about it, you’re definitely not alone if you have an interest. Plus, these numbers may have risen thanks to the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey.
FAQ #3 – What if my partner wants me to submit and I don’t want to?
You might have found yourself on this page because your partner expressed an interest in BDSM and wants you to submit but you’re not crazy over the idea.
Some people simply have no interest in BDSM. Or you might even have an interest in playing the dominant role yourself. Like any sexual activity, you might find that your sex life improves with exploration. On the other hand, we never suggest that you have to try an activity that you absolutely have no interest in, and a partner who pushes, coerces, or even forces you to is not a safe partner.
Discover how to be dominant in the bedroom.
Obviously, trust is a key component of BDSM play, but submission has to be given and cannot be taken. If your partner tries to force you to submit (like Christan Grey did with Ana), they are being abusive and abusing your trust.
FAQ #4 – What if I want to submit, but my partner doesn’t want to dominate me?
On the flip side of the coin, you have a willing submissive but a partner who is unwilling to take on the dominant mantle. The same advice applies. If your partner has absolutely no interest in BDSM or dominating you, then you may not be able to get what you need out of BDSM with them. You may even consider ending the relationship if BDSM is important to you. Alternatively, you may come to an agreement where you can explore BDSM with other partners.
Encouraging A Reluctant Partner to Dominate You
But if your partner is more reluctant than opposed, this may be a role he can grow into. As he learns more about BDSM, he can understand that it’s not really abuse. He can read about safe words and other safety protocols that keep both of you safe and to reassure himself he won’t actually hurt you. It might help for him to read stories from happy submissives or even to talk to some people within the scene.
Furthermore, dominating a person can even strengthen your relationship. People find that they can provide care and love through domination, but this might not be apparent if you’re not familiar with BDSM. In fact, aftercare is an important part of BDSM and it allows you to reconnect with your dominant after a scene and deal with the physiological effects of a scene.
But even a scene itself can be healing or promote growth. Researchers find that BDSM can aid personal expression, enhance growth, or even be therapeutic for participants . One study found that participants experienced BDSM as a process of connection — as well as creation and expansion . It’s not the only study to find BDSM can enhance interpersonal connection . Others report that their romantic relationships benefit .
Some people find a sense of freedom through BDSM .
FAQ #5 – Do I have to wear rubber or lick boots if I’m a submissive?
There are so many ideas that may come to mind when you think of submitting. It might be leather and latex bondage clothing or activities such as crawling on the floor. It’s true that any of these may be part of BDSM, but none of them have to be included in BDSM. Your BDSM scene or power exchange relationship only has to include what you want, and you should discuss what you’re willing and unwilling to do before a scene. You can also specify how your BDSM relationship will look with a contract:
Read More: The Ultimate Guide to BDSM Contracts
The BDSM term for what you’re not willing to do is “limits.” A hard limit is something you never want to do while a soft limit is something you might be interested in trying cautiously or working your way up to. Some people enjoy exploring soft limits, which may not be limits after all.
Either way, your partner should reflect your limits even if it’s something small such as fashion. You don’t need to dress in head-to-toe black leather or a rubber catsuit if you’re not comfortable with it. In fact, your discomfort at playing out the cliche might show and make it hard for either of you to enjoy your scene. It’s okay to pick and choose elements and to find what works for you and your partner without making you laugh, cringe, or uncomfortable.
Similarly, you can engage in lighter BDSM versus hardcore BDSM if that’s all the interest you have!
FAQ #6 – How can I make sure submitting isn’t dangerous?
There is risk inherent to any BDSM activity; although, some activities pose less risk than others. For example, you’re probably not risking much if you’re spanked, but choking (more on that here) can be dangerous. There are a few ways to limit risk.
- Research the activity before you do it. This enables you to know the risks and to plan for them.
- Keep a First Aid Kit, safety shears, and cell phone in close proximity to your scene. Should something go wrong, you can quickly get out of bondage, address any wounds, or call for help.
- Specify a safe word and don’t be afraid to use it. A safe word is no good if you’re afraid to use it when you’re being submissive – or if your partner ignores it. You can call your safe word at any time, even if you don’t think you “should” need to. You might even practice using a safe word in a scene. Choose something easy to remember and say. Remember, you may be in distress when you decide to call it.
- Only engage in BDSM with trusted partners. That guy might be super hot and okay for a one-night stand if you’re only having vanilla sex, but if you don’t know if you can trust him or his level of experience with BDSM, it could be quite dangerous.
- Remember that you’re not powerless. Your submission is a gift. You can take it back t any time.
Orgasm Every Time. Easily. Here’s How...
I want to tell you about my friend Karen.
Karen came to me one day. She was hysterical.
She told me that her marriage was falling apart because she and her husband didn’t have satisfying sex.
Every time they were intimate, Karen was faking her orgasms. It turns out she couldn’t orgasm during sex.
She never had an orgasm in her entire life. Not one!
This left her feeling embarrassed and ashamed. And...
She completely hid this from her husband. Thankfully...
It turns out that there is a way for any woman to orgasm. Easily. And have multiple vaginal and full body orgasms during sex and masturbation.
I shared the process with Karen.
After she followed the simple process, she could barely come to terms with how...
Quickly and dramatically her sex life changed.
We met up a few months later and...
She would not stop talking about it,
“I thought I was one of those women who couldn’t orgasm. I used to think I was ‘broken’ and ‘unfixable.’ This saved my sex life, and that saved my marriage.”
Even if you currently struggle to orgasm during sex or when masturbating, this process will also work for you.
And best of all, you don’t need to do anything weird or uncomfortable to start having the best orgasms and sex of your life.
Girlfriend of 15 years was interested in the rough sex being controlled and liked the idea of being submissive we wanted to spice up our relationship without someone feeling unsafe. ..reviewed lots of stuff on the web but some truly scared her. ..we found this page and after reading this together and setting boundries we found it was both empowering and informative. …submission comes with trust and respect. ..we both were comfortable there so this article was just what we needed…thanks so much…
Great write up
I am new to having so much adventure in my life. I absolutely enjoy sex and exploring the possibilities. The man or female should pass along certain actions based on preference. The dominant I wold love to have in my life would be someone who easily sneaks up behind me as he/she rolls their fingers around my neck and start to squeeze tight. I need to hear you breathing heavy in my ear and when your lips connect for a kiss i do expect a hard kiss against my lips. I love being tied up and at the mercy of my companion!
I’m new at being the submissive girlfriend. My Dom is experienced. I’m at a loss, and want to be the absolute best.
Sean Jameson says
It might be best to talk to him and look for guideance.
How do i bring it up in a way that doesnt freak him out? Im so down for all of this and enjoy it so much… I feel as if this is something i need more than i want.. I dont want to live a vanilla life. I need excitement when it comes to sex..
Sean Jameson says
Talk to him. I always recommend dipping your toes in the water first before you dive deeper.
I don’t think this would freaking him out… Explain everything to him tell him what your interested in… It was really hard to explain how I like things and communication is the key to a Dom and sub life style. There are also different levels to it. It can get pretty dark but that’s only if you want it too… Its pretty much up to you on how far your willing to go and how much your willing to try and keep and open mind….
My Dom and I have argued for 4 years over swinging. I’m not into it. Now he wants to divorce me.
G W says
Then he was not a good Dom. A good Dom respects boundaries.
Dr B. says
It’s part of getting his ego trip.
For men, everything in life is about the ego. Not putting anyone down. Just a fact.
After all U have seen a been through in this life, I recommend that you do what brings you the most joy, and avoid anyone who interferes with that joy.
I am new to all this submissive world and I’m very interested in learning to b submissive. But I’ve also have had a couple of abusive relationship is being a sub good for me or should I just give it up.I’m very confused about all of this. Is there anything answer for me so I don’t make the wrong choice and end up ruining my friendship. .
Sean Jameson says
Hi Yvette, the most important thing is finding someone who you can trust fully before getting into a relationship with them. Then take it from there.
I’m glad to have come across this article. I’ve been a sub for my dom the past 5 years, it’s mostly been over texting & once in awhile in person. Since I’m still inexperienced, Im eager to know & want more. I want to build more trust with him, so I try talking to him, then he either goes MIA for a period of time or tells me no questions & im only to do as he says. Now he’s adamant that I sub with another woman & this frustrates me cos he knows I’m not into that. I told him if we had something more that I’d be all in, but I don’t feel as though I can trust him 100% and all he says to me is that it’ll be hot. So I’m conflicted, I love him and have submitted to everything he’s wanted me to do & it has been hot. But since I don’t seem to get anything in return, I told him at this point in our relationship I’m not comfortable bringing in a 3rd person into our play.
If you aren’t getting anything in return, why would you do it? If he loves you (which seems to be in question here) he would want for you to be comfortable.
J P says
Wow. You’re being used and disrespected. Giving %100 and receiving crumbs when it’: clear that huh want more. It made me tear up yo read your reply. Please leave this relationship. And may you find someone who can meet some (or all) of your needs. Not just someone who is a taker at his conscience with no regard for you.
Interested in beginning this type of relationship. No experience other than preference for rougher sex. Any tips or advice is appreciated.????
the problem I have is I am the dominate in overall life where as my husband is more submissive. I want to be the submissive in our sex lives, but he’s unsure of himself because he doesn’t have the day to day dominance that most men have. I wish there was a step by step book he could read to learn to be dominate in the bedroom.
My wife and I am in a similar situation. She is an emergency physician and I stay home with the kids. I am in touch with power and have had positions of high responsibility before kids so it is somewhat easy to touch. It is possible that yours is naturally submissive but my guess is that he is just confusing social roles with psychological power/dominance. Do you see dominant traits in him? Verbalize them to him…make him believe his masculinity turns you on. Practice some worship. Make sure he believes you see them in him. You should be able to bring the man out of him. In our home it has gone full contract, full submission. And we are wildly happy and having better sex than the first years of marriage. It can work. In fact, if roles are reversed in “real life” there is the aggressive energy right there that will light the fire you need. He NEEDS to dominate you. It sounds like he just doesn’t yet believe he “can.”
Ive been seeing this guy for almost 20yrs and we’ve. Done all of this.. I never new there were names for stuff like this. Its still going strong. We are in are 50s(51) and I still get exited knowing im going to see him.. Recommend the roleplay..
I agree with your advise here. We have a very loving relationship > 5 years and planning our wedding now. We have around the clock Dom/sub relationship. She addresses me both by my name and “Sir”. I do the same, usually calling her “little girl” or her name in public and “master’s whore, or bitch” during playtime. Respect, trust, and boundaries are essential. I am very careful with punishment. I want her excited, tingling in anticipation, and soaking wet. I play until she begs me to finish. We our both very happy and just can’t wait to come home from work. Oh we are medical professionals.
I need some help . My Dom we have exchanged a few words here and there over a year . I have been very nervous to meet in person . I will in 2 weeks . He said I will be bruised and beat and He is going to choke me . Now should I have a red flag that first session sounds like a lot ? I have talked to him recently on the phone . He has started to control my orgasm This is the first time ever being a sub and just leaving a very vanilla relationship . He wants me to come to his home . I’m new to this area and don’t know much . I want this so much I been wanting something for years and unimaginative men have bored me . I’m in my 40 feel 25 . I want this to be real . I’m nervous and excited but don’t want to regret this either .
Being a Dom, if you have any concern then don’t go this path. Being a Sub is about TRUST. If this has not been established then RUN. This sounds like a first encounter and for a powerful Dom may just overwhelm both parties. My gf, now fiancé was vanilla and wanted something different and after COMMUNICATION we have embarked down the neopolitan path. It’s a matter of her learning what she likes, desires and expectation. Your Dom is not taking you into account. I wish you could chat with her.
Hi sean, I hope you have some advice for me.
My men and I have tried a bit here and there and it really got us off, especially me! However, he doesn’t seem to be able to let him self go completely although he says he wants to. We have talked about it, he is not much of a talker, and he says he finds it scary to have so much control. Even with the safe words. I have explained to him that that is just what makes me so hot but he still is holding back, a lot. It’s been a few weeks since we had this talk and since than we stopped having sex all to gather and not for lack of trying from my part. It’s been a month by now and all he says to it he is not in the mood. Do you have some tips for me on how to make him comfortable again? I’m kinda at a loss right now..
Sean Jameson says
Talk to him. Find out if there is something bothering him and see if you can help resolve it. Also keep in mind that certain medications and mental health problems can inhibit his sex drive.
sex life for the past few months have -I’ve felt- gotten in a bit of a normative rutt. (doing the same things etc) and I think its because I have felt my partner has been sitting back and letting me do the controlling of where the sex goes. I kind of blamed him for the slightly boring sex life (hes also on anti-depressants and sometimes very monotone expression, hard to tell if hes truly into things your doing sexually) but whilst I think this has played a part, I kind of realized reading this how I am just naturally more of a submissive partner, or at least a bottom. I might be able to initiate and lead but to TRULY get me off I need to be 100% convinced my partner wants me, and the best way to do that is to take control, take my body and show me how much he wants to use it for his own pleasure. So its gotten boring also because I’m at a loss where to take the sex, because I need him to just take me and to follow his lead.
Luckily recently when we were in bed leading our intimacy towards sex ( we were initiating foreplay), he flipped me over and did it doggy style (which is normal sometimes) but with a roughness that’s been lacking since the honeymoon phase, and then for the first time (or at least the first time doing it hard enough and long enough to be memorable) he grabbed my hair and pulled it back, just enough for it to hurt but I guess when your turned on in those submissive positions pain is kind of a kink.not only this but grabbed my arms and pulled them backwards making my hands grab his waist. This was also accompanied by dirty talk.
Whilst I really enjoyed this change, I was also taken aback by this sudden change in behaviour, that thinking back I had signs of, but was never totally pronounced as it has been recently. It made me go, wo I thought I knew him, but I guess I didnt. When I asked him about it he told me it was always there and idk, to why its come about now. I guess it made me really want to understand him. I guess you could read a thousand articles but your partner is unique, and there are so many factors as to why change now. I guess he too felt the rut of our sex lives recently.
Its given me a glimpse into the deep sexual fantasy and drives of my boyfriend and mine, a world you think you know but never really. I never thought or appreciated being submissive until he surprised me. I would like to understand more about this side of him, but sometimes hes just so closed, and sometimes I feel like getting him to talk about him makes him not exactly uncomfortable like hes embarrassed, but anxious, like hes afraid his fantasies are too much or little for my own. (he told me he hated it when his ex would ask him what his fantasies were because he felt pressured into saying something really hot, when i just don’t think he spends a lot of time thinking about elaborate stuff)
Thanks for the post, at first I was afraid his change of behavior was a sign of him cheating, or acting fantasies hes had for new women he may be emotionally cheating with. But honestly I know deep down that is just not the case and this post has just reaffirmed that this should be EMBARRASSED! (Not questioned) and this is a real opportunity to transform our sex life. (that was good but very prone to habits and simplicity) No time in life to over analyse the shit about this, if you enjoy it fucking throw your self into it.
I have experienced 9 others prior to my current bf. I hate to get personal but in ‘09 I faced a four month coma and that ‘forever’ fled while he could by finding from what I know of, 13 other girls. I couldn’t get over him at first considering he stopped my friendship list from growing ? I have now been blessed with an indescribable fairytale who is completely dedicated to being an engineer with computers and I need to please him more than anything! I have never done much to whomever I dated besides I personally am aware that my ‘head’ is mind blowing, haste experienced 69… anal and I really am not sure of other roles to play/stories to imagine… this one respects me SŌ much which is amazing but I really want to be on his mind when I’m not around~
Sean Jameson says
The Bad Girls Bible newsletter is a great place to start.
What are some ways to act like a bad girl to provoke punishment as a sub
Sean Jameson says
Talk to your dom about this and figure out what works for both of you…being bratty? Disobeying his/her orders? etc
Michelle Moon says
Is it ever ok for a submissive to seduce her Sir/master and initiate foreplay that leads to sex? Like example, Sir/Master is laying on the bed, or just sitting, and the sub starts kissing on them, making eye contact and showing that she wants him? This is in regards to a long term relationship Dom and Submissive life style.
My gf and I have been practising her being submissive in sex. Often we have very animated sex which she likes. But no matter what sex we do she never reaches orgasm and always uses her vibrator to reach orgasm. She is a bit of a control freak and I think this is a way for her to let go. She admits that she would like to let go of her controlling ways but often time she gets stressed and angry when she feels out of control. We started with her offering submissive sex but then we discussed that I would initiate the requirement for sex and instruct her in how I want her. For example I will tell her to take off her clothes and go and lie on the bed with legs apart and mouth open. I then come in and put on a condom. I will tongue kiss her and push in and have sex with her. She has to lie silently with her arms at her side while I have sex with her. After I have finished I pull out and lie beside her and we hold hands. Then she will get her vibrator and have her orgasm.
Sean Jameson says
Female orgasm can be a very complicated thing. Having great communication will go a long way as well as checking out the Orgasm Guide.
Some please help me! I have this helpless desire to be spanked. Now i think me and my man are on the right path towards this concidering we already do incorpirate very light dominate and submissive behavior. Very early in our relationship he talked about having names for each other that would determine when we would be in a more sexual mood. When he calls me baby girl i know i must respond with daddy.( he picked the names). We also include light choking and lots of facefucking where he makes me keep my hands behind my back or else. But or else never happens. I just want to take it the next step further and maybe add some restraints in there.and most of all its a big fantasy of mine to have him lay me across his lap pull down my underwear and have his way with my bottom. Lets just say i really like the idea of being his submissive little sex slave and he has been showing major signs of being very dominate which attracts me very well i just need a way to tell him how submissive i really want to be.
I’m in a new relationship, 14 mos. but we haven’t had sex. He is 46 yrs old, I’m 43 and still at peek.
He has done it all with sex and I’m still looking exploring. When we met up after all these years, he said that I’m the sex pot he has always wanted. If his stamina and sex drive was back, I would be in trouble. First three months was sexy, we would kiss, a lot of oral and I’d get the BEST orgasms and I would give him blowjobs and swallow. Now…I want to tell him that I’d like to dress up, role play and be sexy out with vibrating panties at dinner but how do I approach when he won’t get to enjoy. How best do I look at this and approach. Need help!?!?!?
Hello I’m confused and I need to know someones opinion. Me and my boyfriend have been together for five years now. Before we met I wasn’t into giving oral sex but since we’ve been together i enjoy giving and he enjoys receiving. He says he doesn’t believe that he was my first. Anyway 2 years ago he cheated on me with two other women. And one of the women actually gave him a rim job. He said thats what he liked about her. So whenever i asked him about doing it he told me that I’m not that type of person and that he had more respect for me than to let me go there. Why wont he let me do it? He wants to do me all the time so I at least wanted to try but if i go pass his penis he stops me. What is it?
Sean Jameson says
It’s almost impossible for me to tell you exactly what to do as I don’t your relationship as well as you do. You need to talk to him.
The fact that he cheats and lets another woman give him a rim job suggests that he likes things that are taboo. I am a 22-year-old woman and my boyfriend loves things that are taboo. For example, he forbids me to wear panties when we go out for dinner, and after our meal he always drives me to a public place that is at least somewhat dark at night, such as a park or a tennis court or a church parking lot. Then, he has vaginal and anal sex with me in that public place, which is taboo and exciting because there is always about a 2% chance that someone will see us, and maybe a 1% chance that they might recognize one of us. Sometimes, he has throat sex with me, causing me to puke several times until he manages to ejaculate inside of my throat. Occasionally, he will ask me to suck on his penis while he urinates inside of my throat, causing me to swallow an entire load of his urine. I am submissive and always happy to indulge his desires, even if I need to endure humiliation, degradation, or even pain in order to maximize his pleasure. But he typically ejaculates several times during a session, and as his girlfriend I find that very satisfying for me.
One either is a slut, or they are not. There is no in between. You can be one person’s slut, or a slut to many. Being a slut is something you are born to do, or not do. It requires being submissive, it requires not just being used by someone else, but allowing it, encouraging it, enjoying it, welcoming it. It requires that you give another person to power to step all over your dignity. You cannot have dignity and be a good slut. It requires an agreement that the pleasure of the slut is attainable only by pleasuring and serving the dominant partner. It means understanding that you, the slut, are there to please your partner, and not the other way around. You can get off later, often on your own time, and after you have served your partner to the best of your ability. You may be told to keep quiet, to speak only when permitted, to sexually please and then leave without an expectation of gratitude. To prepare your partner a coffee on your way out the door, but do get out until you are called back for service. You are there for the dominant one, and you accept that as your fate.
Sean Jameson says
Are you sure you can’t be dominant and a slut?
Tina Klaeger says
I am a 25-year-old woman and submissive by nature. I was 19 when I first met my current and only boyfriend. He introduced me to fellatio, cunnilingus, vaginal sex, anal sex, throat sex, cum swallowing, golden showers, piss swallowing, bondage, and belt whipping. I have signed a contract, consenting to giving him full control of my body during our nightly sex sessions that last up to 4 hours. We have agreed to no permanent injuries, but he is permitted to inflict severe pain as long as the infliction ends by or before the end of our 4-hour session.
One suggestion is that if you enjoy someone being dominant you must show it if you can or come out and say it. My wife knows I enjoy her placing a plug in my rear and I love it when she’ll give me orders and tasks she thinks must be done after she puts it in. She’s even said that maybe I should go out and find a boyfriend. It’s all kinky role play.