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Many people believe that being dominant or submissive or switch is something that is ingrained from birth. They believe that they can’t learn how to be dominant in the bedroom or become more submissive, but even if you’re a born dominant, you still need to gain the knowledge and experience to be a good domme. And you can learn to dominate your man skillfully even if it’s not a driving force of your personality.
With the right attitude, an open mind and the right tools at your disposal, you will quickly find that becoming dominant in the bedroom is doable, empowering and a lot of fun! Follow these easy rules and you will be well on your way to being more dominant and adventurous in the bedroom.
Do you currently struggle to orgasm during sex or masturbation? If you do, then you may want to learn about the Easy Orgasm Solution. It will teach you how to have multiple vaginal and full body orgasms during sex and masturbation. It works even if you currently struggle to orgasm during sex or when masturbating. You can find out more here.
It’s Not One Giant Leap
If you jump in too soon, you could have a negative experience that could be avoided or, even worse; someone could get hurt.
Even if you eventually wind up dominating your man hardcore with whips and blades, don’t expect to do that from the beginning. Learning how to be dominant and, perhaps more importantly, be a good domme to a partner takes time. Being a good dominant requires experience.
You should start with activities that are less intense or extreme (remember: just playing with power exchange can make things feel more intense!). This way, if something goes wrong, it’s much easier to handle because it’s your responsibility as the dominant to take charge if things go wrong. Knowing you can handle any little — or big — bumps in the road will give you the confidence to tackle more intense types of play and to react calmly when something goes awry.
On the other hand, dominating your man doesn’t need to be super extreme. If you only ever feel like commanding him to do a few mostly-vanilla acts (vanilla, in this context, refers to non-kinky sexual activities), that’s okay, too! Just wielding that power can be highly erotic, and the two of you can experience the flow of power between you. Initiating sex and instructing your partner what to do might not be super kinky (what is kinky, anyway?), but it’s a great start and can help you to have better sex!
So, start with that.
If you want to give your man back-arching, toe-curling, screaming orgasms that will keep him sexually addicted to you, then you'll find them in my private and discreet newsletter. You'll also learn the 5 dangerous & "dumb" sex mistakes that turn him off and how to avoid them. Get it here.
The mistake that so many women make when exploring how to become dominant is that they think they need to make drastic, massive changes in their attitude and actions. Thankfully this isn’t the case at all. In fact, if you suddenly change your attitude, you may even freak your man out, which is obviously not the goal at all.
So what kinds of steps can you take to slowly become more dominant?
- Try initiating: Kiss your man when he’s not expecting it. Run your hand up and down his thigh to let him know what you’re thinking about. Take him by the hand and lead him somewhere private, then start unbuckling his belt. Push him down onto your bed. Try some ‘women on top’ sex positions. Gently bite his lip. Start with the easier things and you’ll quickly notice how easy & fun it is!
- Tell him that you want to try something new: You could pin his arms and tie him to the bed. You could handcuff his hands behind his back and then ‘have your way with him’ by giving him a blow job. You could ask him to go down on you and then use your hands on his head to guide it to exactly where you want him to focus on.
Keep On Going
Once you are comfortable with that, then it’s time to take things a step further. Some people find that, when learning how to be dominant, the best way to ramp things up is with what you say. This can make it easier for you to get into that right head space.
Start with giving him simple orders or commands:
Can you do me a favor and rub my feet?
Get me a glass of wine, would you?
Go and warm the bed for me.
Once he is happily complying with these commands, then you can get a little kinkier, especially when you are actually getting sexual with your man. Here are a few example commands to give him.
You’re going to taste me (then physically push his head down so that he starts eating you out).
You don’t get to cum until I say so, ok?
You’re not allowed to orgasm until I cum at least twice.
Quick Tip: You can learn a lot more on talking dirty to your man to build sexual tension and turn him on in this tutorial video.
These are just some example commands that you can give your man. You don’t necessarily need to use them, but they will give you a good idea of what kinds of things you can say to your man to be dominant and for both of you to get comfortable with your roles.
This guide on dominant things to say to your submissive will help.
Discover Your Flavor Of Domination
Once you have tried out some of these suggestions and ‘dipped your toe’ in the realm of dominating your man, then it’s time to start figuring out what type of domination you prefer.
For most, they want to explore domination only to a small degree and keep it confined to the bedroom. Others want to live the lifestyle 24/7 and completely ‘own’ or control their man. Until you start exploring domination, you won’t know exactly what you want.
One thing people often misunderstand about being dominant in bed is that you don’t have to be extreme or cruel. It’s perfectly valid to be a more loving praising dominant, or to stick to activities that are a bit “less kinky.” In fact, it may be preferable.
You’ll feel more comfortable dominating your man when you’re a dominant version of yourself and not just imitating what you think dominance should be.
So if your stomach turns when you think about stomping on your man’s genitals, you don’t have to do that. Of course, being sadistic and cruel can be fun, and rewarding. But you don’t have to focus on correcting and punishing behavior.
What’s the alternative?
You can be a loving dominant. Instead of punishment, you focus on rewarding good behavior. Instead of telling your partner that he’s bad or humiliating him, you let him know how much he’s pleased you by doing what you requested the way you wanted.
Read more: The Complete, Step-By-Step Guide to Sensual Domination
Now, there’s nothing wrong with being cruel or sadistic. Some submissives relinquish control because this is precisely what gets them off. And if that works for you and your partner, great! But feel free to be more romantic and rewarding if that’s a better fit or even to pick and choose depending on your scene.
This brings us to the next thing you might ask if you want to know how to be more dominant in bed.
What’s a Scene?
When reading articles about domination, BDSM, and other kinky activities, you’ll come across this term a lot, scene. In this case of a scene, we’re talking about playtime.
During a scene, you might use specific nicknames, which help to enforce your roles and get you into the right headspace. For example, your partner might call your Mistress [Name] or a variation of your actual name during a scene. You may require him to call you “Ma’am” or use certain sentence structures when addressing you. Some female dominants go by “Mommy.”
These things are all personal preference.
Sometimes scenes are planned out quite well, and there’s little room for deviation. This might be a great way to play when you’re first trying out dominating your partner, playing with a new partner, or trying something new and more intense.
On the other hand, sometimes people play it more by ear with familiar partners or activities or when they’re not doing anything super intense.
Stay Safe & Know The Risks
Remember, however, that just because you’ve played this like before doesn’t mean it’s not risky.
Even “vanilla” sex comes with risks of pregnancy, STI transmission or injury. Something you’ve done a thousand times before can still go awry.
In kink scenes, there’s an acronym that represents this, RACK. RACK stands for risk-aware consensual kink. Basically, it says that everything you’re doing is consensual but that you also recognize the inherent risk.
You can learn more about RACK in this article about essential BDSM rules. Following those rules is essential when you dominate your man and can help to mitigate some of the risks of kinky activities. The article contains general advice and advice that works for submissives, too, but you should keep reading below if you want domination tips specifically.
Your Responsibilities As a Domme
You might be eager to jump into your first scene with your partner. Perhaps you’ve already played together and realized that you love being dominant in bed. Congratulations! But you might want to back up a bit, especially if you intend to try more intense activities.
Even if you never try anything super extreme, it’s important to realize that as a dominant, you have unique responsibilities in your scene. You’re not just the person who gets to tie up and spank your partner; you also have to account for safety.
So you’ve got to follow a couple of rules during your scene and even before your scene to make sure you’re fully prepared.
- Know your tools. This may mean practicing on a pillow before a person, treating rope before you use it the first time, doing research before you even buy a new toy or tool, or watching someone else use it (Youtube is incredibly useful here). Some dominants won’t use items without testing them on themselves to understand the full impact. You’ll also want to learn how to clean and store any items you use.
- Negotiate limits and safety before your scene. Knowing safe words, health concerns, and hard and soft limits is essential before you play with someone. You may utilize a BDSM contract to make sure you cover everything. Check out these example BDSM contracts.
- Prepare for the worst. We recommend having everything you might need in place for a scene gone awry. Something strong enough to cut through bondage (a safety scissors or bolt cutter), keys for any locks, First Aid kit, and a charged cell phone are all advisable. It may even be handy to have a fire extinguisher nearby. Knowing these items are on hand if something goes wrong can help you keep your head clear.
- Start lighter than light, build slower than slow. This quote, adapted from the aptly-named Jay Wiseman [1 p 172], is great for making sure a scene goes as you want. You can always go harder or faster, but you can’t take back something that has caused harm.
- Respect all safe words. Your submissive needs to know that you’ll respect safe words. Some people even argue that you can’t trust their consent if you’re not sure they feel safe revoking it. You can try a scene where you demand that your partner uses a safe word to practice. Whenever your submissive uses a safe word (or action), respect it. Stop and check in. If you’re using the traffic light system, a yellow may mean pause or stop.
- Check in with your partner. Even if your submissive partner doesn’t use their safe word, checking in is advisable. Done right, you don’t have to break character or interrupt the flow of a scene as you sexily growl, “You like that, don’t you?” But it’s absolutely acceptable to be more direct and cautious, especially as you’re learning how to be more dominant or playing with new partners who may react in unexpected ways when something happens either good or bad.
- Pay attention to their behavior. Sometimes a submissive may not feel comfortable using a safe word or may not be able to because they could be gagged or otherwise unable to speak. If they slip into subspace (learn what ‘subspace’ is), they may not be aware of their current state. You’ll need to monitor your partner and pay attention to bodily cues and nonverbal signs of distress. You may sometimes need to stop the scene if you notice it.
- Never leave your partner alone. Some people may joke about trying a person up and leaving the room or even running to the store, but leaving a bound person alone can be quite dangerous. If they’re suspended, the system could crash down. They could experience a natural health concern such as a stroke, seizure, or even a nosebleed with no one to tend to them.
- Stay calm if something goes wrong. “Wrong” is subjective. It could mean that your partner uses his safe word, so you should stop/pause and check it. This may mean the premature end of the scene. On the other hand, injury, fainting, a seizure, fire, or some other unexpected problem requires you, the dominant, to take charge. If you’re prepared, you should be able to deal with most issues easily and can remain calm when doing so.
- Provide aftercare for your submissive — and yourself. Aftercare is the name given to treatment after a scene that helps a person return to physical and mental equilibrium. This might mean food and drink, a warm blanket, or cuddles. Some people prefer silence and solitude. Aftercare is quite varied, and you should be prepared not only to provide it to your partner but to look for ways you can achieve it as a dominant (yep, they often need it, too!). Learn more about BDSM aftercare.
- Seek help when necessary. Although many people participate in some aspect of BDSM outside of any community, connecting with other kinksters can provide you with knowledge, experience, support, and guidance. For example, you might not be able to provide aftercare in some situations. This might be after a particularly intense scene or for yourself. You can enlist the help of another person to provide aftercare. Just do so before a scene so they can agree to be available. Seeking help also means calling 911/999/122 when you need to.
All of these rules help you to orchestrate a scene that’s safe and should be enjoyable to everyone involved. It might sound like a lot, but being prepared helps to minimize negative consequences. You can breathe a little easier knowing you have the knowledge and items necessary to protect yourself and your partner.
It goes without saying that you need to respect your partner. If you don’t respect him, you’ll likely disregard the rules and responsibilities that a dominant has, and someone could be hurt. Submissives are often warned about dominants who are disrespectful, which also makes them dangerous. You don’t want to be that person!
Creating Your Scene
It’s generally unwise to simply begin your scene. You need to prepare. Preparations such as getting to know your tools, preparing for your scene are discussed above.
Gather what you need before a scene. This includes paddles, bondage gear, lube, and other necessities but can also extend to safety gear such as safety shears (used by paramedics to cut clothing off of patients), a First Aid Kit or other safety gear.
But that’s not the only thing you need to do.
One of the responsibilities of you as a dominant is to discuss a few things before a scene. This is known as negotiation. We discussed it above, but it’s important enough to warrant a bit more discussion.
Negotiation is important to ensure that everyone has a good time.
Negotiation is how you learn what your partner is up for, what they won’t do (known in the scene as a “limit”), any health concerns (think diabetes, low blood pressure, seizures, anxiety, arthritis, or a past injury). This is a good time to discuss any medications such as insulin that might become necessary to use. You might also discuss fears of small spaces or the dark or past traumas.
Safe word – Your partner can let you know his safe word or the two of you can decide on one together.
Limits – Don’t forget that you can list your own limits and concerns.
During the negotiation, you might have to compromise because of some of the issues that arise.
Now, this might all sound formal, and negotiating a scene can be more structured, especially with a new partner, but it can be casual. This is especially true for less intense scenes or if you’re used to your partner.
This can be a fun and sexy activity, too. Negotiation can take place over the phone or text as part of your dirty talk, or you could let your partner know your limits during a coffee date before you even enter the bedroom.
Negotiation is when you can talk about what you want to do and hope to achieve. What will a successful scene look like? How will each of you know it’s going well? Answering these questions means you get to know your partner and they you, and this can really get you in the mood!
As you can see, there’s a lot of communication required when you want to dominate him. In fact, some people think that the BDSM scene has helped people to talk more explicitly and healthily about sex.
If you struggle when it comes to these discussions, don’t worry. Many people have trouble talking about sex. It does get easier with time and experience, however. And talking about sex can majorly improve your sex life.
Get tips from our guide to sexual communication.
Your First Scene
If you’re looking for domination ideas for your very first scene, I suggest something pretty tame. Start with the sex you’re used to and add one element such as bondage or a blindfold. It might not seem like a big idea to add both at once, but adding two novel elements can be overwhelming for both of you.
So you might tie up your partner and have your way with him whether this includes riding him, performing oral sex, teasing him with your hands or a sex toy to get him close to orgasm and then backing off, or sitting on his face.
Related: How to Sit on a Guy’s Face
Or you might add a blindfold but have sex as regular. One domination tip to help your partner is to talk them through what you’re doing for the first few times they’re blindfolded similar to how a masseuse might announce what’s coming next. This ensures that are no surprises.
Remember: it’s okay to feel a little nervous. This is why you start small. And it’s normal if things are awkward especially if you’re usually in the submissive role.
When your scene has completed, release your partner and proceed with aftercare.
After the two of you become comfortable with each element separately, you can combine them in future scenes.
What If Something Goes Wrong?
Stop. Remain calm. Panic can cause you to react slowly or not at all or to do things in a frenzied manner that makes things unsafe. Figure out what you need to do.
This probably means untying someone, removing blindfolds and gags, and finding a place for their body to rest comfortably and safely. They may be conscious or not. Speak to them calmly if they’re alert to remain connected and let them know what’s happening.
You won’t be scrambling for keys, safety sheers, or a bandage if you’ve gathered these items beforehand.
Tend to wounds and administer appropriate medication. Are you comfortable providing injections if necessary?
You may need to call 911 or the appropriate emergency service and dress enough to meet paramedics at the door. Do not move or dress your partner if it will worsen any condition.
Most scenes won’t end poorly. You may occasionally deal with someone passing out or an errant throw of the whip cutting skin. Most issues that aren’t life-threatening will quickly pass. Sometimes the scene can continue, but you may want to cut it short just to be safe.
After The Scene
When your scene has ended, it’s time to provide aftercare, which we’ve already touched on a bit. We won’t expand much because you can scroll up or read this guide to aftercare, but there are a couple of things to keep in mind.
First, aftercare can be extended. You might provide some initial aftercare, but a followup call the next morning or even a quick coffee or ice cream date a few days later helps to ensure your partner is doing okay. Once the hormones settle down, they may find themselves experiencing overwhelming feelings, even if they enjoyed the scene. And it can take a day or more for their body and mind to return to normal.
The depletion of energy and hormones is known as sub drop. More on that here.
Secondly, a scene can drain a dominant just as it does a submissive. This is known as top drop and sometimes dom drop and is one of the reasons why dominants and tops need aftercare, too.
Top drop can involve physical and mental symptoms such as:
- Difficulty with decision making
- Clouded thinking
- Loss of appetite
- Lack of interest in hobbies or sex
- Restlessness or anxiety
There are some particular feelings that you might experience after dominating someone. Feeling guilty over how you treated someone, wondering if you’re a bad person or doubting your worth, and even suicidal thoughts can all occur to a dominant after a scene, even if the scene didn’t seem that intense. This can happen days later . Don’t underestimate how power exchange can enhance the most basic sexual activity.
Your partner may be able to help by thanking you for playing, reassuring you that they desire and care about you, or even providing a glass of water. You may be able to support each other through your drops, but sometimes dropping prevents you from helping your submissive or vice versa. This is where another person might be helpful.
These negative feelings can come as a shock if you’re a new dominant, which is one reason why you might want to speak to an experienced dominant or two or even ask someone to be your kinky mentor!
Once you know what to expect, you can be better prepared. However, not everyone experiences top drop or experiences it with every scene.
What to Do When You Dominate Your Partner
Now that you’re ready to safely start your scene or at least to plan it, you might not be sure what to do. There are nearly limitless activities to consider, and things you already do in the bedroom can become kinky simply by telling your partner what to do.
Start by breaking down BDSM, the acronym that serves as an umbrella for most kinky activities, into the basic BDSM terms.
Bondage – Bondage refers to the acts of physically restraining your man, whether by tying him up or by controlling where he has access to. If could be as simple as just tying his hands together or it can be much more elaborate where you use custom restraints specifically designed for bondage situations. Get started by trying light bondage.
Discipline – Discipline is similar to bondage, but refers more to the aspect of punishment and control based on your man’s behavior. So when he breaks rules that you create you will need to discipline him. There is a huge variety of ways to discipline your man.
You can do it physically by hitting or striking him whether with your hands, a whip, cane, paddle or whatever takes your fancy. You can also discipline him psychologically whether through humiliating punishments or through controlling where he has access to (e.g. only allowing him access to certain rooms in your place).
You’ll find more BDSM punishments here.
Domination (and submission) – If you’re the dominant one, then your partner is submitting to you, following commands, and trying to please you. But they’ve given you the power to do so and can revoke it and may do so if they feel the need to use their safe word. You can engage in elements of bondage and kinky play without necessarily dominating your partner. This is known as topping, and there are tops who don’t identify as dominants.
Find out whether you’re more dominant or submissive.
Note that someone who is comfortable playing both roles is known as a switch.
Sadism – Sadism is the sexual arousal and gratification that comes with inflicting pain or distress upon someone. So it could come from hitting or flogging your man, but it can also come from something like putting your man in a situation where he is humiliated or upset.
Masochism – Many masochists find pain to be a unique type of stimulation, and our bodies can often handle more when we’re aroused. So you may find yourself walking that fine line of pleasure and pain when you’re dominating your man. Furthermore, something like spanking can be a reward and would make a bad punishment for a masochist. Don’t forget to read this guide about erotic spanking.
Remember that you can pick and choose elements of play. If you only like bondage, there’s nothing wrong with it.
The Bad Girls Bible introduction to BDSM goes even further in-depth.
Of course, not every activity falls cleanly into these categories. That’s why we’ve created the BDSM checklist that lists hundreds of activities. You and your partner can go through the checklist to list activities you might be interested in or even add your own if something is missing!
You’ll also find more inspiration in the following posts:
- 23 Kinky Sex Ideas: Very Freaky Tips To Spice Up Sex
- 9 Orgasm Denial Games for Testing Your Limits and Driving Yourself Wild
- 6 Wild BDSM Games For Keep Things Hot
- 13 Deeply Intense Bondage Positions For Your Next BDSM Scene
- 10 Femdom Ideas To Dominate Your Man With
- 10 Ultra-Intense Ways to Satisfy A Foot Fetish
There are so many things to try that you may never do the same thing twice. Or you may find yourself so enamored with a specific activity that it becomes a staple in your bedroom. It’s all up to you and your partner to find what works for you.
It’s Not All About Sex
Although we’re talking about how to be more dominant in bed and domination games involve sex for most people, this isn’t always the case.
Domination and submission don’t have to involve sex at all.
That’s right. You can engage in activities without sexual penetration or oral or manual sexual activities.
Some people experience sexual pleasure or even orgasm through kinky activities even when they’re not overly sexual. But you can choose to dominate someone without sex, and there are those people who choose to leave out the sex when playing with people outside of their romantic relationships to avoid violating their relationship agreements.
Or you may opt to forgo the sex if you’re playing at a party or public space rather than at home. Like all things BDSM, it’s up to you.
Taking It Beyond the Bedroom
Although this article is mostly about being dominant in bed, some people take their dominance games outside of the bedroom. If you and your partner want more than some bedroom play, you might want to evolve your relationship into a D/s relationship (D/s stands for dominance & submission here).
Learn more about D/s relationships.
For those who are the most dedicated to power exchange relationships, a 24/7 relationship might be the best fit. Also known as total power exchange, these relationships grant the most power but also the most responsibility to dominants. This relationship style is definitely not for anyone but is worth checking out if you feel the drive to be dominant in all aspects of your relationship.
Read More: Total Power Exchange – The Ultimate D/s Relationship
This might sound extreme, but according to one study :
Owners and slaves often use common, daily life experiences or situations, such as the completion of household chores, money management, and morning or evening routines, to distinguish and maintain their respective roles. In addition, contrary to the perception of total submission, results revealed that slaves exercise free will when it is in their best interests to do so. These relationships were long-lasting and satisfying to the respondents.
Of course, you can stick to only being sexually dominant if you’re not interested in changing your entire relationship dynamic. Every couple is different.
When Reality Doesn’t Live Up to Fantasy
Up to this point, we’ve assumed that your partner is into the idea of you dominating him, that scenes generally go well, and that this kinky play adds to your sex life. But what if that’s not the case? There are many times when trying out the role of domme might backfire or not even work in the first place.
- When your partner doesn’t want to submit
- When your partner would rather dominate you or when you’d rather be a submissive
- When your partner tries to control the scene (also known as topping from the bottom)
- When you struggle with the necessary skills
- When someone gets hurt or something else goes wrong
- When you just don’t enjoy dominating your man
This list is just to give you an idea of how reality might differ from your fantasy. It’s something to consider before you even try it out.
It can be heartbreaking to try to dominate your partner if he’s just not into it. It’s hard to be a good dominant when your partner is just phoning it in. And it’s not ethical to force someone into submission. Their submission is a gift that must be freely given.
Although BDSM fantasies are among the most common according to a survey by Justin Lehmiller [4 p 10], so much so that he recommends opening up to your partner because the odds are good that he may also be interested in it, not everyone shares them. Or you might have different interests with no way to compromise. Or you might be interested in something too dangerous or illegal to actually try out.
Not every fantasy needs to become a reality.
If you think this might be the case for you, you may still be able to enjoy a few of the elements of power play via your dirty talk. Or you might enjoy reading – or writing – erotica about it or watching some porn that features the elements you like.
For some people, however, being a dominant (or submissive) is in their blood. They can’t have any sexual or romantic relationship with it. If you find yourself in this position, then it’s time to consider whether your relationship is sustainable. And if it’s not, you may need to end things.
On the other hand, sometimes you just need to plan better or try a scene out with a different partner to get the experience that you want.
And as you become more a more experienced domme, you’ll outgrow some of that trepidation, gain confidence, and hopefully leave most of the awkwardness behind you.
However, you might take to dominating him quite easily. You might find that you discover a new part of yourself when you can be sexually dominant.
Some people find that engaging in BDSM allow them to be ” something authentic, unalienated, undisciplined, and noncommodified,” especially when compared to media portrayals of BDSM .
One study of BDSM practitioners found that “participants perceived sexual BDSM experiences as facilitating deeper interpersonal connections than those available in sex .”
There’s no doubt that discovering how to be a domme can be lifechanging for some people.
Learning how to be more dominant sexually never needs to involve whips & chains or any of that stereotypical stuff that you might see in porn or read about in 50 Shades Of Grey. It occurs on a spectrum. Sure some people want the more extreme stuff or even a small degree of it, but at the end of the day, the key is finding what works FOR YOU. When you do, your connection with your man can deepen, your sexual pleasure can increase, and you might grow as a person.
The subreddit Femdom Community is a great place to meet other dommes, share ideas, get inspiration, and find solutions to your problems. Reddit also has an active BDSM Community subreddit for support and reference.
The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy teaches “emotional and ethical skills” while providing information about safety, engaging online, and D/s relationships.
We also put together this deeper explanation of what dom and sub mean.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQ #1 – Is it weird/wrong that I want to be sexually dominant? Or that my partner wants me to dominate him?
Nope! Many people are interested in dominating their partners, including women, and many others are interested in submission and being dominated. As many as 10% of the population may be involved in SM .
You just may not realize it because, according to one study, only about 9.8% of people are completely open about their BDSM activities . Some kinksters consider actively working to prevent disclosure . This may be because of the stigma that still surrounds BDSM  that “has resulted in harassment, physical attacks, and discrimination against SM-identified individuals .”
Some people believe you have to have experienced trauma to be interested, but “there is no empirical evidence” to support this [12 p 252].”
Domination (and submission) is more common and healthy than many people realize.
Researcher Justin Lehmiller suggests that BDSM fantasies are a form of escapism, and other research shows that kinksters engage in BDSM activities “for a variety of reasons, including experiencing spirituality, deepening interpersonal connections, reducing stress and achieving altered states of consciousness ” or for pleasure and transcendence .
Yet another study revealed a number of benefits :
- pleasure from pleasuring others
- physical pleasure and arousal
- personal growth
- improved romantic relationships
- psychological release
- freedom from day-to-day roles
One researcher went so far as to say that “Practising BDSM can be understood as a process of increasing expansion, creation and connection .” Repeatedly, people state that engaging in these activities increased their sense of self-worth .
There’s no reason why you need to only have vanilla sex or that you must submit to your partner if that doesn’t make for a satisfying sex life, but there are plenty of reasons get kinky!
And wanting to dominate your man doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. Studies show that people who practice BDSM are as mentally healthy as the general population  and that interest in S&M isn’t a pathological symptom [19, 20] or sign of distress  and doesn’t cause dysfunction . In fact, kinky people may be “more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, had higher subjective well-being .”
Research finds that “sadomasochists are generally high-functioning, contributing members of society who keep their sexuality within the confines of their home and their relationship .” This is true for “sadistic” dominants as well as masochists/submissives.
These relationships can be ethical .
Some people simply participate in BDSM because of benefits that are similar to other unique hobbies such as firewalking .
It may also make you feel better to know that “power, and not the giving and receiving of pain, is at the core of SM .”
Finally, one can be dominant or sexually sadistic without actually harming their partners. In fact, some people emphasize that while you may hurt your partner during a scene, you should never harm them.
Outsiders may not understand the differences between domination and actual abuse, but community members are quick to point it out. This is crucial to keeping kinksters safe, especially when some abusive people may confuse BDSM practices with abusive relationships , and may use domination as a way to abuse a partner.
FAQ#2 – How should I respond if my partner wants me to dominate him?
Don’t freak out. Thank him for opening up with one of his fantasies. Consider if this might be something you could enjoy or would be willing to explore with him.
If it’s not something you can do, could you work it into dirty talk?
Or is it a hard pass? If this is ultimately something you just cannot get down with, then your partner will need to respect your feelings. Perhaps you can come to an arrangement where he can experience BDSM with outside partners.
It may be best to break up if your partner needs to be dominated and you cannot provide that or allow him to seek it elsewhere. In this case, the two of you may simply not be compatible. Resentment can build on both sides.
FAR #3 – What if I just can’t get into the right head space?
For some people, being a dominant or a submissive is less of a role they play and more of a personality trait. If you’re truly submissive, it’s no use to adopt the opposite role because it will always be a poor fit.
Furthermore, if you’re looking into serious power exchange that is emotional or even spiritual, then it may be important to you and your partner to play opposing roles so that power can flow between you. For some people, not being with a partner who is a domme or sub is a deal-breaker (see the above FAQ).
However, it simply takes time and practice to get used to dominating your man. One thing that can help is to require him to call you by a specific name during a scene, which can help you get your head in the game. You may also have a nickname or other instructions for him.
Certain outfits, costumes, or props may also be useful to this end. Some submissives wear collars during scenes to achieve the right state of mind, and you can place the collar on your partner when the scene begins.
Note: some submissives wear their collars or a piece of jewelry such as a necklace that represents their collar at all times. You may have a different collar for playtime or simply have your partner wear his all the time.
Faq #4 – Do I have to humiliate my partner when I dominate him?
No! You can be a loving domme and reward him for good behavior versus being tough and punishing him. See the section about finding your flavor for more information.
FAQ #5 – Is it safe to just jump into a BDSM scene?
Generally no. This can lead to a risky scene or a negative experience that forever colors your opinion of kink.
Learn your tools, and practice your skills. Do appropriate research before buying or using tools.
As the domme is your responsibility to take charge of the scene and take care of your partner. If something goes wrong, it’s on you.
If something goes really wrong, you could be legally responsible.
FAQ #6 – How do I get my partner to let me dominate him?
If you want to dominate someone but your partner isn’t down to submit, you might need to compromise or walk away. However, you can explain that these fantasies are common, kinksters can be healthy, and this can enhance your relationship it if might change his mind.
Remind him that he retains power and can stop or halt play at any time by using his safe word.
Perhaps plan your first scene(s) to the minute, so you both know exactly what will happen. There are more tips for your first scene above.
FAQ #7 – Do I have to wear leather, say call my partner a “slut” or torture his genitals when dominating him?
Nope! There’s no one thing that everyone does.
Pick what works for you and your relationship. Although you might be in charge or inflicting pain on your partner, the scene should benefit both of you.
Choose activities and outfits that you feel comfortable, sexy and powerful in. You don’t need to wear leather or thigh-high boots if that’s not your style. Simply wear and do what you would do as a dominant instead of imitating a cliche.
It will be hard to get in the right frame of mind if you’re uncomfortable and self-conscious. There may be a little awkwardness or a few giggles in the beginning, but you should be able to perform comfortably and enjoy yourself as you gain experience.
FAQ #8 – Why do I feel so bad after dominating my partner?
Negative feelings can happen after a scene, even if it wasn’t particularly intense. Hurting someone, especially someone you love, is hard to do. We’re taught not to. You might wonder if you’re a monster or experience feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and worthlessness after a scene or during the following day(s).
You’re definitely not alone! Many people attribute this to top drop/dom drop, and it’s a real and valid experience. Although it happens less frequently to dominants than submissives, it can still be alarming. Note that top drop can also include the physical symptoms listed in the article above.
Find ways to care for yourself after a scene, perhaps with the aid of your partner or third party, to minimize top drop and make the return to equilibrium easier.
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Even if you currently struggle to orgasm during sex or when masturbating, this process will also work for you.
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I’ve always wanted to try switch bondage, and finally found a man who is compatible with me in nearly every way, including this. It is the most fun I have ever had sexually–incorporating dirty talk, bondage, blindfolds, gags, sensory deprivation, food and wine– stroking my man with a piece of chocolate, then licking the melted chocolate off him, feeding him a melting caramel from my mouth, giving him sips of wine while he’s blindfolded…It is all incredibly HOT, and the key is communication–it HAS to feel good to BOTH of us, or it’s not good for EITHER of us. Boy is it fun!
Maria Donado says
Can you teach me?? :0
I have recently be exploring this with a male partner since I have learned that I am more of a switch. However it is long distance and while in person I feel like I know how to do this fairly well, I could really use some pointers for portraying this in conversations. He isn’t a complete sub up to this point, but in the bedroom, he craves a female to take control while mixing pain and pleasure without the humilition factor. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
I have a problem, both me and my partner are submissive by nature. He wants me to dominate him. I used to be closed minded about it, realized I was stupid and have tried to get better. Issue is I have a difficult time enjoying it when I dominate him. He’s frustrated, pointers on being a dominant when a person doesn’t or isn’t one
Sean Jameson says
Talk to your man! Let him know how you feel. It’s perfectly ok if you’re not into something he’s into.
Help, my sexual partner of 4 years has taught me so much , he released my inner freak . Last time he had me choke him and I don’t know what I’m doing! Where can I learn to do this properly? Not too much on the web about choking a male during sex that I could find.
Note from Sean:
You can learn in this guide on how to choke your partner.
Robert Michael Wagner says
It is sooo easy. You nag him every day to pick up after himself. You see him take a peek at another womans tits. He doesnt open the door for you. He doesn’t answer his phone when you call and freaks out when you ask him. Just get him tied up GRAB him by the balls and start squeezing until he says he is sorry then if you believe him make put some cuffs on him and get a nice foot massage if he balks kick him in the nuts…itswhat he wants right. Oh dont let me even get started about his internet porn put a cock lock on him and no more of that.
This article is so good! Honestly, when I saw this website and saw ‘5 dangerous sex life killers!’ I was like oh god here we go, poorly thought out advice behind a £50 paywall, but there’s a ton of great, free advice including safewords, health and safety and all sorts! My only criticism would be this seems to be more of a ‘bad heterosexual cisgender girl in a monogamous relationship’, so more stuff about hookups, lesbian sex, trans sex, etc. would be nice to see. As a bi, non-binary polyamourous person I’d be more than willing to write for that sort of thing! Just reply if you’re interested and I’ll get in touch!
Sean Jameson says
Thanks for your comment, you’re right on the money Morgan, we’re looking into it
Sam Guthrie says
This was incredibly helpful! My man is a sub at heart and I’ve been trying to be more demanding and dominant in the bedroom and I can’t quite seem to get the grasp of things. I end up making a fool of myself and embarrassing him as well. Thank you! This has helped me make a huge mental leap! 😀
My boyfriend is a sub, but he won’t admit it to himself. He has got the image of getting “pussy-whipped” I haven’t tried anything really. He is scared of pain, but he always gets in fights. Is there a way to force him to admit he isn’t any less a person by being a sub. I honestly think he is scared of his friends.
Sean Jameson says
It’s really a case of talking to your man about it. Letting him know that he ultimately has all the power thanks having a safe word is a good start.
Hi, you could get him to do small chores of self-maintenance to start with … remark that you don’t really like armpit or stomach hair and could he shave them; if he worries you might go further, reassure him but get him into the practice of beeing a bit more tidy for you; ask him to take more care of his nails and use a file to finish them; ask him to use skincare like a light face scrub and cream as part of his morning rituals (Decleor do a nice one for men) and praise him for being better kept and more handsome. At some stage remark that he likes pleasing you. Ask him to prepare a bowl with some epsom salts so you can soak your feet; ask him to dry them and rub in some body or hand lotion. Tell him that he is being so good to you, and then change that to ‘good boy’. Make him feel that everything he does for you has a little reward if only a kind word. Take him for a drink and you buy it, and tell him it is because his being good to you makes you happy and that is why you bought it, and then add the mantra that ‘my happiness is your happiness’. Gradually increase the range and scale of things … one day do his nails as a treat and buff them, or when he has washed your feet and rubbed lotion in (ie. massaged them), and they are clean, say it would make you very happy if he kissed and licked them a little, and when he does so tell him he is a good boy. Notice if he has gone hard. Tell him that you are very happy he is making such an effort. Build his confidence that his willingness to please will be rewarded. When walking down the street take his tie for a few seconds and pretend to lead him as on a leash, then give him a hot kiss in his ear and tell him you love him. Come up behind him while he is at the sink or stove and put your hands on the front of his hips and press into his bottom while giving him a lick on his ear. Tell him that you love that he wants to make you happy. Use pleasing rather than serving as the word to guide him. Sit in a chair away from the sofa and ask him to sit beside you while you talk. In bed take a firm grip on his shaft and after a few strokes ask him ‘who is in charge of this’ and keep the firm grip … he will probably say ‘you are’, and if he doesn’t release contact and remark ‘I thought you might want me to look after you’, which no doubt he will confirm, and then take a firm grip again and repeat the question. If he is really submissive I don’t think it would take much more than this and then reeinforce that there is nothing wrong with guys who want to make their girlfriends happy …. about this point tell him he is ‘such a good obedient boy’ and that you love being his mistress, and if he hesitates ask him to recognise the dynamics of your relationship and ask him if he is happy ….
Wow! Great! I’m a dominant at heart and I’ve been told my husband want me more dominant in bed. But I’ve tried a lot over the 15yrs we have been together and he always fights me.
Subby boy says
I really hope he comes around. Once he does he will see the term pussy whipped is not a bad thing actually it is awesome. Knowing you’re Lady is happy is a great thing. Good luck Ma’am
Holy hell this article was hot. I never knew being dominated could be so fun.
My man has told me he likes “a little pain with his pleasure”. Since Ive been in mainly “vanilla” sexual relationships, this intimidated me. Im totally ok with it, finding it exciting, but have no idea how to bring myself to the point of doing it. These articles are helping me greatly!
SEAN I NEED HELP FAST!!! I am just beginning this road with with my fiance. (ALL HIS INTRODUCTION) And I think I’m really stuck in limbo on SOOOOOOO MANY things. PLEASE HELP!!!!
Brian Muldoon says
You should not move too fast. Years ago treating with a lady at this nice club. My girlfriend live with of 3 years and I just broke
up. I was empty inside (likely clinically depressed).This lady at club appeared almost perfect to me, physically and emotionally take charge. Our second time. at club she took me to her place. When I saw the hand cuff setup and other paraphernalia I was out of there. All I could imagine was helplessness. Lots of wisdom in this blog
I’m in a lesbian relationship and I’m usually the submissive one. But I’ve become “lazy” (that’s what she said ?).
I will try the blindfolding out and maybe tie her to a chair?!
I don’t know lol, I’m just kind of nervous.
Wish me luck
Thank you so much by the way!
I am having such a conflicting time , maybe someone here can give me some advice?
I’ve always been the submissive partner in my relationships. The other day my boyfriend confessed that he likes a dominant woman in the bedroom. Stating he’s into ” freaky shit shot and likes his women kind of evil, and cant Stand routine.”
So now here i am realizing that I don’t satisfy him completely because that’s not me. I’m the swee , submissive girl with a kinky side. So I need some ideas on what exactly I can do to try and be what he is into. My self confidence isn’t the best so I feel like i would be awkward and feel silly being dominant.
Hi, posted a comment with the same problem as your guy and then seen yours 🙂 although from your description seems she (my girl) might be apt more quickly to participate. My advice so far – 1)don’t be too nervous about that, as it will not help you. Don’t rush, but let him know you got his hint. Maybe joke about that here and there to make yourself comfortable. 2) start with something really simple, lake blindfold and/or tying his hands.
A question: what did confuse you most in the way he asked you? And how, as a girl, you would prefer to be asked by your partner for that kind of thing (or suggested if you prefer)
Welp sometimes I like to be dominated but I HATE being degraded it makes me wanna retch control away from her but its hard to tell her no she’s used to getting things her way and yeah I’m a switch and she’s full blown dominate
Kinda opposite problem here – I’m with that girl who is more or less kinky but rather on the submissive side – she “suggested” (i.e. almost told me plainly) to slap her during sex etc.
I’m trying to push her to do the other way around but althoug she seems to enjoy but a bit too shy about that; even when I eat her out she always would push for a plain intercourse; once had to almost force her to let me do my thing.
So the question is how to push her to switch roles sometimes? I find her openminded but maybe shy to take control
My husband and I have been “switching” for years.Sometimes I like to be in control,other times,controlled.It is absolutelly true to find what’s comfortable for you and him.
When I feel my “dominate woman” coming on,I do little things all day to let him know it’s that time.He always acts like,”oh no!”But inside,he’s going,”oh yeah!I’m your bitch.”We have alot of fun with it.
Me and my boyfriend have been tiptoeing around the the idea of switching roles. In our everyday lives I’m used to being the dominant but during sex I can’t help but be shy and sub. I know he wants a dom in the bedroom but I just don’t know if I can let my inhibitions go. I need help.
Eric Mindenhall says
I made my wife cum 4 times in about 10 minutes yesterday from performing oral sex on her. I asked what what she was thinking of? She said that she fantasized about hanging me from the ceiling and whipping me to death! To hear this was the biggest turn-on of my life.
Subby boy says
You are one lucky boy!!!!
Len Stevens says
What about for the man to be more dominate when my wife want go be a sub, how to improve as a dom. Wife want to explore an i will please her by being more dominate, the kinky stuff is new for me i have always been Vanilla
Sean Jameson says
The stuff in this article also applies
I don’t know what’s going on with me and mine. We went from having sex (great sex) all the time, him eating my pussy OMG!! to now NOTHING! and I’m not comfortable in myself anymore to come on to him like I use to. Because, everytime I come on to him the last 6 months or so he’s either pushed me away, said no, or just acts like I’m not kissing on him? so, ive gone from very secure in myself to NOt and scared to try. He says he’s not cheating on me and I’m sure hes not as far as having sex with someone. but I do know he’s talking to and joining chats with others. So, what’s the problem with me? what have I done to make him not want me? OLD?? NOT IN SHAPE ANYMORE? which is kinda funny since all he dated before me was bigger girls(I’m a size 3) his old girlfriends were size 14 and bigger. I don’t think I’m ugly. I just wish I knew what I did. Ive asked him whats going on. nothing he says. asked if he loves me still? wanted to be with me ? All yes answers.. Please, please help me. Ive tried your blow job and yes he said I did good that was once he let me give him a blow job. I asked him once hey let me suck your dick.. he said maybe later not in mood!! I’m so tired of being told no, or not touched! what is it? wht do I do? he’s even told me to go find someone then! since I want it and he doesn’t. WTF!
Please, just tell me wht you think? is going on because I already know what’s NOT going on.. and that’s SEX, US anything
need your help
I have these feeling 20 years then found out husband of 24 years sex addict gays trans bookstores all men clubs streetwalker he was “totally against gays and cheating” I truly was blindsided thought medically he couldn’t keep it up but found he just could keep it up for me I truly hope this isn’t your case but these ended up the facts of my life
My bf and I are new to the Ddlg (daddy dom/little girl)relationship. But it’s long distance. We discussed our boundaries and all. It’ll be two years until I move in with him. Any advice For that??
Christine J.Sojka says
REAL DOMINANT WOMEN DONTGIVE BLOW JOBS.REAL SUBMISSIVE MALES DONT WANT BLOW JOBS.
B*LLSH*T even when I’m being dominant I love making him feel good.
His F bich says
My man loves when I take control. Telling him what, when, where and how reallllllly turns him on. Tying his hands to the headboard and putting a blindfold on him really turns him on. I then start putting his rings (metal) on his shafts 1 at a time. When I get them all in place, I straddle his face and demand he get me off… It’s intense, it’s fun, and totally satisfying. After about 3 hours I will allow him to fuck me, but only after he begs repeatedly. He tells me what I’m going to get and how. Dirty talk is a must!! When we get a room for the weekend, I’m not his partner, I’m his fuck bitch…Usually the rolls will switch, which is totally hot! We are both totally spent after our weekend romps!! It sure keeps the spark alive. Get rid of routine sex and get to controlling him. I usually send a text on a Thursday and TELL him, “Get a room, pack our toys and tell me where you will be” His answer is “Yes, my sexy fuck bitch”
Try it.. This is our weekend!! I won’t be able to walk on Monday!!!!
My husband used to be dominant in bed. We switched a couple of times a few years ago and I loved being dominant. I quicky learned his weaknesses that make it impossible for him to resist. He cannot resist me when I wear a sexy pair of boots and now he kneels on command. Although I do not smoke, I discovered that he finds a women smoking seductive – so I have an occasional cigarette and order him to light it and then kneel. I love to place him in tight bondage and watch my strong man struggle helplessly. I also love to deny him and order him to please me! My formally dominant husband is now my submissive and he now wears an engraved collar.
I LOVE being dominated by a pretty woman. Especially being pinned down, sat on, facesat (with her clothing one, ie; Panties, shorts etc.) Slapped a bit, all that good stuff. Its not very easy finding a woman into this and equally as ard trying to bring it up to a girlfriend/female friend for risk of being looked upon as a creep or freak. Ladies, if this is something you enjoy, take it upon yourselves to try it. Youd be surprised how many men are into it, yet reluctant to bring it up in the bedroom.
I am new to this! My husband has been apart of the lifestyle for so long and just recently I’ve learned in interested in being dominant he’s always wanted me to be dominant but I always said no.. Whay brought me to try it out was a friend and I were talking one day and we got on to the topic and then I started to research and read more on it.. I even wrote a couple little fantasy stories that I had kept secret because I didn’t think they were good but my husband found them one day and learned I do have a dominant side… But my biggest problem is bringing it out in the bedroom and not just through words.. Over the weekend I had a few drinks and I was feeling good.. We came home and all of a sudden like I was dominant I was doing it but I couldn’t before.. I really enjoyed it… But I don’t know if can bring it out being sober… How do I become more relaxed with it when I’m sober… I can text all day and create fantasies but I can’t bring it out when I’m in the bedroom and I know it’s tgere!
Sean Jameson says
It can take time. So think about how to gradually be more dominant.
You on top during sex, then the next time pinning his arms while you’re on top, then the following time pinning his arms while you’re on top and something extra. Each time you add in a little more dominance.
You don’t have to do it all at once.
Equally, you can try being more dominant by being a bit drunk, but slightly less than last time. Then slightly less again the next time. And so on, until you are being dominant without being drunk at all.
This is so helpful! I have 2 men wanting me to be dominant, my husband and my lover. I can play the part in texting and a little in person, but I feel silly, like I want to laugh. Anyway, both of them just always want me to ride their face and my lover has told me he wants to be my slave and fuck boy. I want to please him so much in this way. I think he’s always in charge all day w/work that he wants to be used and pushed around a little. And btw, I totally think giving blow jobs is dominant. I love doing it and will whether he wants to or not (which they always do).Need help with my lover cumming way too soon though! My husband can go for hours.
My partner wants me to be dominant and controlling how do I do that and how can I be the one in control
Can anyone help me
Sean Jameson says
The guide above should help, but you may also want to check out these femdom ideas for more advice.
I actually want my woman to dominate me . She let’s me tie her up sometimes and I love it. I love watching her body as I engage in orgasm denial with extreme tease and forced orgasms. But I’d love it if she would dominate me and my prostrate.
Sean Jameson says
I’m struggling so much with this! My man is a switch and sometimes asks me to tell him what to do during sex. However, I am 100% Sub, and am super uncomfortable with anything involving me being a Domme. I enjoy not knowing what he’s going to do to me next or not knowing what he’s going to tell me to do to him. I like it most when he just takes what he wants from me. And when he asks me to tell him what to do, I can’t really think of anything I actually want except for him to use me in whatever way he wants. I’ve told him that I don’t enjoy being dominant, it does nothing for me, and even some of the psychological reasons that I am aware of why I am the way I am. He has said he understands, but still gets in moods where he wants to be dominated, and when he asks, I just kind of mentally and emotionally shut down. I want to give him what he wants, but I just don’t think I will ever be able.
Is there any way for me to learn how to act in a way that is completely opposite from my personality? Or is there a way to get him to understand that I just can’t do what he’s asking of me? I feel so awful when he asks me to be dominant, it upsets me when he asks.
Sean Jameson says
Talk to him and let him know how you feel.
My boyfriend and I are both switches, and I feel like I haven’t been engaging with his submissive side enough. He always makes sure I’m receiving pleasure, and he doesn’t really like to talk about his submissive side or things that I could do better as a domme. Are there any tips for slowly introducing my dominance into our romantic relationship so he feels more comfortable opening up about his submissive desires? I want to talk to him before I try any sexual dominance, but he will probably feel guilty and think that he is forcing me into it.
Sean Jameson says
“I want to talk to him before I try any sexual dominance”
This is important. Talk and talk so more. Be open and share how you feel too.
As long as you are both comfortable, try it. See what happens. Maybe you like it. Maybe you don’t
I’m here because I googled: “ why does my 48 year old husband turn me down for sex” .. just like April above said, we use to have hot wonderful daily sex. I’m lucky if we do I it once every 2 weeks. He says he’s tired, he smokes cigarettes and drinks too much, he wants quick 5 minutes morning sex or he watches porn on his phone. I wasn’t feeling well for 6 months of last year- I never turned him away but we slowed down a bit. I’m getting self conscious as I’m getting older. I worry he is no longer attracted to me- or worse- he prefers porn. He says he loves me but I don’t understand why the drastic change in sex? He’s pushed me away when I tried to go down on him and at night he’ll cuddle and say- “now don’t get excited. It makes me feel so bad and it also makes me feel stupid and angry. I don’t want to sleep in the same bed because I’m ashamed. I worry he’s got someone else but he works from home and it would be hard to hide from me. I worry he’s gay or into something I can’t offer. I hope this is only temporary. I’m heartbroken because he’s everything to me.
Sean Jameson says
My advice: Talk to him.
It’s natural for a man’s libido to drop as he ages, but a sharp sudden drop is not usual.
It could be sign of other health problems or it could be something else.
In the end, talking to him is the only way to find out exactly what it is.
So I am almost completely a soft sub by nature but my partner is a switch and wants me to be more dominant and I often get scared and shy away from it. Can anyone help or give me tips?
Sean Jameson says
The guide above should help.
A new guy I seeing wants me to dominate him and treat him like a puppy.
I’m totally into this and willing to try but I’m afraid I’m to awkward and may not say/ do the right things.
How do I figure out the right things to say and do? When do I know if I took it too far. I don’t want to push him away.
Sean Jameson says
Ask him. Have a little bit of alcohol beforehand to help loosen up, but not too much!
My wife and I have lately thought of some more changes to make our marriage more resemble a Femdom relationship. I have problems orgasming and I’m still a young guy. She gives me some kink to help me to have sex which turns me on and gets my motor running. I found out I’m going to need her permission to do more things and I’ll see where this goes.
Steve Schimdt says
My GF and I were both on the sub side, early on we came up with a token (Lapis) that we would trade back and forth. Whoever had the token was dom and had the option of surrendering it. It was a very stimulating arrangement
It was taken to a whole new level when we shared it with her housemates. One female, one male, with significant others. Mix the tokens, mix the partners (m or f) and a weekend of memories was made.