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Women & men are very different when it comes to getting turned on. A lot of things that turn guys on DON’T turn women on and vice-versa. Here are three generalizations that sum it up…
- Most guys are turned on visually, hence the popularity of porn with men. Women are not the same; they are turned on more by how they feel and their imaginations, hence the extreme popularity of 50 Shades of Grey and romantic novels amongst women.
- Almost all guys are turned on and ready to go when they see a girl in stripper heels and a thong, even if they’ve never met her before. An anonymous guy in a G string usually doesn’t have the same effect on women. It will most likely send them running, no matter how hot he is. But put this hottie in a well-tailored suit and don’t be surprised if she swoons.
- A lot of guys get turned on by a giggling bimbo that laughs at all his jokes and is way too forward. But nothing turns off women more than some giggling dummy, who is too forward…he’s creepy.
As you can see from these examples, there are some clear differences between what turns on men and what turns on women that you need to understand to master how to turn on a girl. And, these tips may be far more important than things that are commonly popular with men, like lasting longer in bed.
Side note: If you are currently struggling to orgasm during sex or masturbation, then you may want to learn about the Easy Orgasm Solution. It will teach you how to have multiple vaginal and full body orgasms during sex and masturbation. It works even if you currently struggle to orgasm during sex or when masturbating. You can find out more here.
Many guys already understand this, but what they don’t understand is HOW TO TAKE ADVANTAGE of these differences when it comes to turning their girl on and giving her incredible sex.
To further illustrate my point, here’s the general process for how men get turned on:
- They see something that they find hot
- Or they hear something that they find hot
- Or they think of something they find hot…
And, they are turned on and ready to go. It’s often that easy.
Here’s the general process for how women get turned on:
- They first need to have some Brakes removed to allow them to get turned on (I’m talking about things like stress, hormonal issues, shame, guilt, they feel unattractive, etc.).
- Next, they experience something that turns them on (it could be a romantic guy, a guy that cares about them, sexy memories, a bath, candles, erotica, massage, kissing, getting a bit tipsy, etc.).
- Finally, they are ready to go and eagerly want sex.
Breaking things down, you can clearly see that women need three steps to happen in order to fully let go, get turned on and enjoy incredible sex with their man.
If you want to give your man back-arching, toe-curling, screaming orgasms that will keep him sexually addicted to you, then you'll find them in my private and discreet newsletter. You'll also learn the 5 dangerous & "dumb" sex mistakes that turn him off and how to avoid them. Get it here.
Step 1 – Remove The Brakes To Her Sex Drive
Women often experience a number of Brakes that prevent them from getting turned on in the first place. Performing Step 2 & 3 is pointless if you don’t first help your girl overcome these Brakes to getting turned on. I explain these Brakes AND how to overcome them below.
Step 2 – Amplify The Accelerators To Her Sex Drive
As I already mentioned, women get turned on by a host of things that often have little-to-no effect on men’s arousal. I’ll show you exactly what they are and how to do them in Step 2.
Step 3 – The 73 Techniques That Will Make Her Scream & Cry With Pleasure
If you follow Step 1 (this page you’re reading right now) and Step 2 properly, your girl should be ripping your clothes off your body and be ready for sex. Once you’ve finished reading Step 1 & 2, you’ll learn how to eat her pussy, make her squirt, finger her and give her the most powerful orgasms of her life in Step 3.
So, let’s jump into Step 1…
Step 1 – Remove The Brakes To Her Sex Drive
Removing the Brakes to her sex drive is by far the most important step to getting your girl turned on and hungrier for sex than ever before, BUT…
and it’s a really big BUT…
It’s the hardest and (sometimes) the most boring part.
If you do this step correctly, then you’ll be having more enjoyable sex, more often.
If you ignore it, then Step 2 & 3 are going to be far less effective.
Let’s dive in
A bunch of research has been conducted on women’s arousal process [1, 2, 3, 4]. For most women, the first thing they need to get turned on is NOT the kind of foreplay that most guys enjoy; they need to get prepared to even be receptive to that. So, forget about kissing, talking dirty, or sexting to turn her on through text, and all that other fun stuff for now, I’ll cover that later.
First, let’s learn about these “Brakes” to her getting turned on…
According to research, people have sexual Brakes — everything that turns them off from sex in the moment — and sexual Accelerators — all the things that remind them they’re sexual beings and turn them on (you’ll never believe what women told us turns them on). This is known as the dual-control model [5, 6].
If you’re like most men with more sensitive Accelerators and less sensitive Brakes, you easily find yourself turned on.
But if your partner is like most women, her Brakes are more sensitive (even if her Accelerator is pretty sensitive) [7 p 47], and it may seem like she has a low or no sex drive. The truth is that she just needs help removing those Brakes. If you want to know how to turn a girl on, you have to understand this.
Sexual Brakes aren’t always obvious, and we’ll get to those in a moment.
Sexual Accelerators are anything that gets you going. And foreplay certainly can be an Accelerator for both men and women. As I just mentioned, the problem is that women usually have much more sensitive Brakes while men have more sensitive Accelerators. So if you jump to things that turn her on without first dealing with what might be turning her off, it’s like putting your foot on the gas pedal while the emergency Brake is still on. In short, you’ll get nowhere fast.
So the first thing women need to get in the mood is for the Brakes to their arousal to be removed or lessened. It’s almost as if her horniness is trapped in a maximum security prison and your job is to break it out. But instead of a jail cell or handcuffs or a razor-wire fence preventing her from getting horny, you are faced with a bunch of other challenges (aka Brakes) that stop her from getting her horny.
What are these Brakes? And more importantly, how do you remove them?
For women, stress is one of the biggest Brakes to their sex drive and getting in the mood for sex . Stress can even dull genital sensation and increase pain with sex .
Stress comes in many forms whether from work or from taking care of family or even from dealing with friends. Your relationship can also be a source of distress. Even dealing with a boyfriend obsessed with female ejaculation can stress her out and make it less likely.
Often, it can be very obvious and clear that your wife or girlfriend is suffering from stress. I’m talking about the obvious stuff here like losing a job, dealing with a sick child or having a car crash. However, most of the time it’s much more subtle…perhaps someone said something bitchy about her presentation skills at work, a friend snubbed her by forgetting to invite her to a party, or she didn’t earn as much as she hoped she would by 30 (or some other age).
The key to her overcoming this Brake is by helping her to de-stress. This can take many forms, but here are a few examples.
Stress at Home – If she is dealing with stress from home life like looking after kids and being responsible for more than she can comfortably manage, then you need to start thinking of ways to lighten her load. Can you hire a nanny to look after the kids for a few hours per week? Could you do this yourself? What about getting someone to help around the house, so she has some time to relax. Even something as small as getting a babysitter one night a week can go a long way in allowing her to de-stress somewhat.
Stress at her Job – The same is true for her job. If she is driven to the end of her tether with work stress, then it’s going to be much harder to unwind and get turned on. This kind of stress is a little harder to quench. Ideally, she could work less or take some time off, but for many, this is not an option. So you need to figure out what you can do to help her unwind. Can you take care of some chores she normally takes care of when she get’s home? Think about what else you can do to make her life easier when she does get home, so she has time to unwind.
Other Stress – Two of the biggest reasons that your wife or girlfriend will be stressed is due to family or professional issues, but there are lots of other areas where stress can arise. Now, I don’t want to make this guide all about stress relief, but I do want to give you the solutions. So if your partner is stressed, here are a few ways she can deal with stress, so it no longer acts as a Brake to her sex drive.
Solutions To Stress
Meditation – Multiple studies have found that meditation can lower perceived stress to different degrees [10, 11, 12, 13]. A related practice known as mindfulness can also help you better cope with stress [14, 15, 16]. Plus, mindfulness has been found to increase sexual function [17, 18, 19].
Avoiding stimulants or drugs like caffeine, cocaine, etc. that can contribute to stress – Studies on stimulants have found an increase in physiological stress as measured by cortisol levels . While this is not always a negative thing, curb your stimulant use if you notice an increase in psychological stress. Stimulants can also disturb your sleep , another source of stress.
Better sleep hygiene – Sleep and stress go hand in hand. If you’re getting poor sleep, you may feel more stress . And if you’re stressed, you’re less likely to get quality sleep . To avoid this cycle, practice good sleep hygiene. This includes having a consistent sleep schedule, making sure your bedroom is dark, removing electronics and avoiding screen time before bed, avoiding caffeine or large meals before bedtime, and being physically active during the day .
Yoga – Yoga is a type of exercise that involves stretching and breathing as well as meditation. Studies have found yoga to be effective at reducing stress [25, 26, 27].
Nature walks – One 2010 study found that taking a walk in nature resulted in lower levels of blood cortisol, a sign of stress . So drive out to the country or find your nearest park to enjoy the scenery.
Talking to someone– There’s a saying that “a problem shared is a problem halved.” By speaking to someone about stress, a person can feel as though they’re bearing a lighter load. This might be one reason why having strong friendships is essential to being happy and healthy. At least one study has found that participants report less stress after counselling  while another found that “seeking help” and “expressing feelings” were among the most effective coping strategies for stress .
Improving her diet – Although you might not realize the correlation between diet and stress, it’s there. Diet can not only affect stress  but poor diet can lead to health concerns down the line that increase stress . The two of you can embark on a healthier nutritional path together.
Getting a massage – Getting a massage can help reduce stress and increase feelings of relaxation [33, 34, 35] A professional massage might be costly, but you can give your partner a massage at home. Not only does it reduce stress, but touch can facilitate intimacy to make her horny
Get tips for giving a super sensual massage.
Identifying and removing stressful things where possible – Perhaps the most effective way to lower stress is to eliminate it from your lives. There’s no simple answer here as there’s a near infinite number of stressors that can combine to cause a person stress. However, switching jobs, hiring help at home, reducing obligations outside of the home, and learning how to better manage finances may all contribute to lower stress levels.
It might also help to remind your wife or girlfriend that there’s no prize for dealing with high levels of stress. Being happy is a much better prize!
Figuring out effective coping strategies for those things that can’t be avoided – Some stressors just can’t be avoided. Aging parents, children, or demanding jobs are all examples of stress, some of which we choose. Rather than getting rid of the problem, we can learn to cope. One study found that problem-focused coping resulted in lowered stress levels . Coping strategies can vary from meditation and counseling, which were already addressed, to better time-management tools, talking to superiors at work, or trying to resolve conflict within relationships.
Whatever you choose to do, avoiding stress can actually lead to more .
Feeling That She Is Taken For Granted
Everyone feels that they are taken for granted from time to time. It’s not just unique to women, but in the case of women, it becomes a serious Brake to her sex drive.
Now, you can read this and pretend that you are the perfect guy and never take anyone for granted, but the truth is that we all do it from time to time. And, just because your girl doesn’t complain about it, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel taken for granted sometimes. I’m going to give you a few obvious and stereotypical examples to illustrate my point.
Here are some examples…
1. Let’s pretend your girl is a stay at home mom, responsible for looking after your kids and keeping the house running smoothly. She’s not getting a salary and benefits for this job and it may actually be more stressful than yours. So, if you are treating her like she has a charmed life, while you’re the only one “working,” then I can guarantee you that she feels taken for granted.
2. Anytime she is trying to improve herself for you or your relationship or even just for herself, you need to acknowledge it.
3. Anytime that you can see her putting in a lot of effort without shouting about it, acknowledging her for this is going to go a long way
As well as acknowledging her for the effort that she puts in, it’s also important that you are proactive about it by asking her if she ever feels like she is taken for granted and then genuinely trying to recognize what she does for you and those around her. Doing this will go a long way to removing this Brake.
Recognizing that she sometimes feels taken for granted actually has a lot in common with the next Brake that you need to address.
Feeling That You Don’t Understand Her
“Feeling understood” by your partner is a very important aspect of a relationship for many (but not all) women. It’s that feeling that you have someone on your side, that understands why you feel good or bad about certain situations. If she feels that you have no idea of what’s going on in her head, then this is going to become a serious Brake to her sex drive.
Here are some examples…
1. You understand why she doesn’t like someone at work or someone in her friend group that is more of a frenemy than a true friend.
2. You understand why she sometimes feels insecure about something important to her like her body, level of education, achievements to date or level of career success.
3. You understand why something that happened to her when she was much younger still affects her to this day.
Feeling that you understand her is going to make her much more comfortable and more deeply connected to you, making it much easier for her to become turned on.
Of course, it’s impossible to understand everything about your partner, but at a minimum, you should listen and TRY to understand her point of view on things.
A lack of trust can become a major Brake to your girl’s sex drive. Trust is vital to making her feel comfortable, making it easy for her to open up to you, be vulnerable and let go.
Telling you how to build trust is tricky because everyone needs to see and experience different traits from a partner in order to trust them. These include everything from:
- Being honest.
- Being transparent.
- Being patient.
- Being consistent. i.e., Following through on what you say you’ll do.
- Not playing games.
- Never trying to manipulate.
- Being open to talking about the difficult things without rushing to judge or criticize.
- Trusting her.
When you remove this Brake and your partner truly trusts you, it’s so much easier for her to relax…which allows her to get turned on more easily and therefore orgasm more easily.
Reducing the amount of stress she feels, not taking her for granted, making sure she feels understood by you and building a deep level of trust between you and your partner are the sometimes hard-to-describe problems that act as major Brakes to her sex drive.
They can sometimes be hard to fix but are vital if you want your partner to get turned on more often and more easily. Next is the equally important but thankfully easier to solve problems that act as Brakes to her sex drive.
Understanding the Stages in her Menstrual Cycle
Women, like most mammals, go into a sort of “heat” when they are most likely to get pregnant – during the ovulation stage of the menstrual cycle . Researchers have identified a “sexual phase” that many women experience around ovulation [39, 40]. This phase of increased sexual desire is not as pronounced as in other mammals; however, it can be tracked. For most women, ovulation occurs at the midpoint of the cycle.
You can help your partner track ovulation periods if she doesn’t already either by using an app or by counting…Count from the first day of the menstrual cycle until the day before the next one begins. Divide the number of days by two. This midpoint is when ovulation occurs. For instance – if the total cycle is 30 days, ovulation occurs on day 15.
Desire is usually lowest on the days before her period when women experience PMS (Premenstrual syndrome) . Cramps and other physical pain definitely have a way of acting as a Brake to her sex drive, but this is obviously not unique to women. Physical pain reduces the sex drive in both genders but may do so more often in women . However, women may experience pain that is specific to the pelvic area, which can make sex physically impossible, unlike a man.
One reason that women experience pain during sex is because of a well-endowed partner, so it might not be worth worry how to make your penis bigger if she is experiencing pain.
Note that some women are especially horny just before their periods and some experience increased desire during their periods .
Related; Sex On Her Period, How To Keep It Hot, Fun & Clean
Stopping her period is not practical, but being aware of this natural Brake to her sex drive will help you plan around it or to help her better deal with pain on the worst days.
In most cases, women going through menopause will experience a marked reduction in their sex drive. Menopause is defined by the reduction of the sex hormones – estrogen – in the female body . This acts as a serious Brake to the sex drive of most women as they will experience a reduced sensitivity to touching and decreased blood flow to erogenous zones, creating a more difficult arousal process.
After menopause, regular sex is the best natural way to keep blood flowing to the sexual organs and maintain ongoing arousal. Hormone therapy has also been proven to help some women maintain libido and increase sensitivity.
Studies have shown that exercise improves sex drive in women of all ages . Sex is all about blood flow and the mind/body connection. Exercise also helps improve self-esteem and the physical aesthetic of the body.
A sedentary lifestyle is a dangerous Brake to her sex drive. However, too much exercise can also be a problem as well. A program that is too intense leaves the body with no energy for sex, as it redirects all of the body’s resources to physical recovery. The ideal exercise level for most women is just over 20 minutes of moderate-intense exercise per day with muscle-strengthening activities twice weekly 
Experiencing, or even witnessing, a sexual assault can cause a woman to feel uncomfortable with a partner . Nervous energy acts as a Brake to her sex drive as it inhibits blood flow to erogenous zones. It also keeps the brain from releasing serotonin, a hormone that increases feelings of happiness and also triggers the body to release estrogen.
A non-sexual assault may have the same effects on the female sex drive, although not as pronounced.
Patience and professional therapy are the two keys in overcoming both sexual and non-sexual trauma. Begin a program of professional treatment, and lead your partner slowly into comfort with you by first making her feel comfortable in non-sexual situations.
Sexual shame in women can come from many sources, or multiple sources and act as a very hard Brake to her getting turned on. As mentioned above, sexual trauma may be a source of sexual shame. However, religious beliefs, personal beliefs, and social pressures may also play a part. In many case, shame leads to physical anxiety , which leads to a lower sex drive.
In many cases, religion, personal beliefs and social pressures are intertwined with each other. Women who are sexually liberated are often viewed unfavorably in all of these social circles. Each of these groups may also contain many of the same people.
If sexual shame comes from a violent trauma, it is usually best to enlist the aid of a professional therapist. Shame in other respects can be dealt with similarly or approached by introducing alternative perspectives to your partner.
It is important that your partner make her own decisions about sexual behavior – never attempt to force a new belief on her. Besides, this often has the reverse effect and may cause her to hold on more tightly to her current beliefs.
Birth Complications Can Become A Brake To Her Sex Drive
10 to 15% percent of women will experience postpartum hemorrhaging after birth . Hemorrhaging is most likely to occur after a C-section (cesarean birth). Postpartum hemorrhaging may occur because the uterus loses its ability to contract. This may also be connected to weakened vaginal muscles.
Prolapsing is another condition that may occur because of the weakened state of the body after giving birth. Weak vaginal muscles may allow the bladder to bulge into the roof of the vagina. It may become harder to excrete waste from the body under these conditions, but it is very important not to strain the bladder to do so.
Keep in mind that a woman may experience a lower sex drive even if there are no medical complications with a birth. “Baby blues,” also known as postpartum/depression (PPD), from hormonal fluctuations may be the cause of decreased libido. Although PPD is common enough to affect 1 out of 9 women , many women are reluctant to admit their mood after having a baby. Untreated postpartum depression can seriously impact both of you — and the baby.
The female body also loses estrogen after the birth and during breastfeeding, which may cause a drying of the vagina and less pleasure during sex [51, 52, 53]. If a woman’s physical appearance changes drastically after a pregnancy, this can lead to a loss of self-esteem which translates into a major Brake to her getting turned on.
If any of the conditions above are present, talk to a doctor immediately. Both hemorrhaging and prolapsing may escalate into more serious conditions if left untreated, and postpartum depression has led some women to end their lives. If the doctor does not recommend an intensive treatment program for physical complications, the best way to improve sex drive is Kegel exercises to strengthen pelvic muscles.
Learn more about Kegel exercises.
Other Common Health Problems That Can Be Brakes To Her Sex Drive
Weight – If a woman is obese , it can drastically affect her sex drive, becoming a major Brake to her getting turned on. In both cases, the body is likely having trouble with its core functions, making it difficult to produce the hormones that regulate and increase sexual pleasure . Furthermore, extreme weight issues also often correspond with or cause self-esteem issues, which can be another serious roadblock when you want to turn her on.
Diabetes – Unregulated blood sugar levels in the body as can happen with diabetes correspond with yeast infections [56, 57]. Diabetes can also cause nerve damage that leads to vaginal dryness [58, 59, 60, 61]. Both of these conditions cause a decrease in sex drive, as sex can become physically uncomfortable or even painful.
Depression – In 2016, an estimated 16.2 million American adults had a depressive episode with women experiencing them more frequently than men . Furthermore, 1 in 6 people will struggle with depression during their lifetime .
Depression starts in the brain, and it is the brain that regulates the secretion of sex hormones. When the brain is depressed, it acts as a Brake because it does not give the body these vital hormones that cause an increase in sexual arousal.
Neurological disease – Any disease or condition that affects the brain has the potential to act as a Brake to her libido and getting turned on. The hormones that get her turned are in part regulated in the brain, and neurological malfunction has the ability to reduce the body’s release of these hormones . One study found that lowered desire was experienced by women with depression more than any other sexual dysfunction .
If your partner is experiencing any of the conditions above, it is important to talk to a doctor immediately. A professional treatment program may be necessary, or a change in lifestyle.
Medications and Drugs
Antidepressants – Depression can reduce libido in women, and so can the treatment for depression. Although SSRIs help the body retain serotonin (the body’s “happy” hormone), the side effects include decreased desire and sexual arousal [66, 67]. This may seem counter intuitive, but SSRIs work by reducing the brain’s ability to communicate with the body, which usually dampens sexual drive. Previous treatments which addressed central nervous system depression also dampened sexual desire.
The FDA recently approved a medication, Addyi , for the treatment of sexual dysfunction in women. Addyi targets neurotransmitters. However, studies have shown it to be minimally effective at increasing sexual “events” during a 30-day period .
Smoking – Smoking, in general, reduces blood flow around the body [70, 71, 72], which can act as a Brake to getting turned on.
Alcohol – Although one or two drinks have the ability to remove mental blocks (aka the Brakes to getting turned on) and increase physiological stimulation, you might find that one or both of you desires sex less when you drink too much.
Illegal drugs – Illegal drugs also have the ability to remove mental blocks and increase physiological stimulation. However, everyone responds differently to drugs leading them to potentially becoming a Brake to getting turned on. The unregulated nature of illegal substances also means that you may not know what you are taking. Drugs may be mixed or given in too high of a dose.
Birth control – Unfortunately, the very thing that should enable you to have sex more frequently and with fewer worries can wreak havoc on sex drive, with some affecting desire more than others . However, birth control can also increase sex drive in some women . If your partner suspects that birth control has lowered her sex drive, there might not be anything you can do to turn her on, and she should talk to her doctor about non-hormonal options such as the copper IUD.
You can also use condoms rather than hormonal birth control. Find out how to use condoms correctly.
Antihistamines – Medicines taken for colds (decongestants) or allergies (antihistamines) can cause vaginal dryness , making it harder to arouse her. A little lube might be all you need to deal with this temporary Brake, however.
Discover why you should use lube for sex.
Contrary to popular belief, a woman’s sex drive does not peak during her 30s as pop culture would have us believe. In fact, there really is no strong consensus about a woman’s sexual peak. Studies have found that sexual desire peaks in the mid-twenties, late twenties, and thirties. One study found that women between the ages of 27 and 45 were at their sexual peaks , but that’s a large range! There’s certainly variation between the sub-groups of that range.
For example, many of the factors mentioned above, most notably sexual shame, may play a role in women hiding the libido of their early 20s. By their 30s, however, many women may seem more open to sex because their motives are different  and less influenced by what other people think. Women may also feel more comfortable with their bodies and have an easier time communicating in their 30s .
Some people wonder whether society prevented women from admitting their sexual feelings, both in studies just as they did in everyday life. As women aged and society changed, perhaps it became easier to admit the sexual desires that existed all along. But if women weren’t being honest, those studies aren’t very helpful.
Regardless, sex drive waxes and wanes as we grow, both together and with our partners. But even if there’s no single peak, it’s true that a woman’s sex drive drops as she ages.
Fertility in women begins to drop around in her late twenties . Because fertility influences sex drive, we assume that desire drops as well. As a woman ages, her ovaries gradually stop functioning , leading to a complete cessation of function that we know as menopause. Some women experience a more sudden reduction in sexual libido due to an abrupt menopause (caused by removal of both ovaries or by chemotherapy) .
Still, many older women remain interested in sex .
Find out how women can still have amazing sex after menopause.
I could talk all day about the potential Brakes that can prevent your partner from getting turned on, but I’m not going to turn this single post into an encyclopedia. Finishing up quickly, other Brakes include…
Excessive focus on the outcome of sex – If your partner has an excessive focus on her “performance” during sex instead of just enjoying it, then this can act as a Brake to her getting turned on. However, if she focuses more on her own pleasure, then she’s going to enjoy herself a lot more. Of course, men are not strangers to the concept of performance anxiety or sexual anxiety in general. Check out this post on sexual anxiety for tips that you can use to beat it. As you know, anxiety can also make it difficult to get and stay hard.
Body confidence – If she doesn’t feel comfortable with her body, then it’s quite understandable if this becomes a Brake to her arousal and she clams up. Positive body image must come from within, and cannot simply be a result of your attraction to her, however.
Comfortableness with you – If you are not yet fully comfortable with each other, then this can sometimes act as a Brake to becoming turned on. Thankfully this usually resolves itself with time. As you get to know one another better, comfort increases. Before you have sex for the first time (or perhaps with casual partners), you can take a few steps to build comfort.
- Start with light and brief touches such as on the arm or shoulder. You could try a hand on her lower back or putting your arm around her. Touch escalates as comfort does, so a hug could turn into a cuddle then a kiss then making out then full-on sex.
- She may want a glass of wine or a beer to help loosen her nerves and turn her on.
- Compliment her, even if it’s just an appreciate sound when she undresses.
- Show a bit of vulnerability.
- Talk about your nerves and anxiety (this can be where you show that you’re vulnerable, too). If you can laugh about it, you’ll build rapport.
- Make her laugh.
- Ask whether she likes what you’re doing. Better yet, ask her about what she likes and get her to show you!
It’s also helpful if she’s comfortable with your home, so get rid of the clutter, change your sheets, and perhaps light a candle. Many guys overlook these things when they’re trying to figure out how to turn a girl on.
Not knowing her own body – Your partner is going to have a tough time getting turned on and having powerful orgasms if she doesn’t already know what she enjoys. The solution here is experience and getting her to figure it out, usually through masturbation (tips here). Once she can figure out what her body responds to when she’s comfortable and alone, she can teach you how to turn her on and give her pleasure.
Fear of the consequences of sex – Fear of getting pregnant or contracting an STI is a major Brake. Sometimes a woman says “No” to sex simply because she doesn’t feel protected or worries that you don’t care and decides not to have sex with you because of it. It’s easy enough to deal with this. For starters, you can talk about birth control and decide to use condoms or find out that’s she on birth control and assuage her fears that you’re the type of person to take unnecessary sexual risks.
The Bottom Line
I’ve covered the main Brakes to your girl getting turned on and I’ve tried to offer solutions in each case. Once you’ve identified any that affect your partner and/or relationship, it’s then a simple case of addressing each so that they are no longer an issue. When you do, you’ll notice that she gets turned on a lot more easily and quickly.
With the Brakes to getting turned on out of the way, it’s time to focus on amplifying the Accelerators: the things that will make her horny and desperate to rip your clothes off in Step 2.
One final thing: If your girl doesn’t experience any of these Brakes to getting turned on, then you can skip Step 1 and focus on Step 2 to get her super horny and Step 3 where you will learn how to eat her out, make her squirt, finger her and discover the techniques to make her cum harder than she ever imagined was possible. You may also want to check out and use these 31 sex tips to use on your girl.
Of course, I would caution you to stay aware of everything I have just talked about as life changes all the time and your partner may start experiencing new issues that start acting as Brakes to her ability to get turned on.
This is just the beginning of learning how to give your girl the most powerful orgasms of her life. If you want an overview of the entire process (the 3 Steps), then make sure to check out the introduction to the Bad Boys Bible.
Her last 10 years: Brakes = Her going back to school her late 40’s to get Phd. over 4 years of high stress and inactivity [weight gain.]
Her mother developing Alzheimer, fathers coping with alcohol. Moving parents to assisted living.
Older sister developing cancer and while caring for her taking over parents financial matters.
Losing sister to cancer.
A year later losing mother to Alzheimer.
Developed coping mechanism of caring for pet animals to deal with it all.
Health and fitness is important to us and she has undoubtedly developed and poor body image.
Despite my being supportive and non judgmental, her desire to be intimate is near zero.
Talk about stuck brakes that have been beyond my ability to un-stick.
Thanks for the SUPER information here, it give me inspiration to continue to help her work through her issues.
Man! You are real man! Keep doing what you’re doing, I know she will come back for you with her full intimacy turned on.
Great article! I’d like to mention though that the weight can be a major problem on both sides of the spectrum. Being overweight or underweight can seriously affect sexual desire! Also if someone was malnourished due to strict dieting and overexercising, or even just being on a clean eating whatever trendy diet, the body shuts down some biological functions – just as sex drive. So be careful, guys! If your girl is quite skinny or hasn’t been eating properly for a while, there’s a chance her sex drive and stress levels are affected.
Makes sense, thanks Kata! it’s crazy how many things can play a toll with some women and men. It can become a detailed science and near impossible to perfect solve, everyday being different. Mental health, medication, stress, environment, attraction, personality, chemistry, and a little bit of luck all coming into play, some can be very hard to get into the mood or finish off. I know I am one, very difficult to finish off, and as a guy that doesn’t go over well with the woman, even though I’m just happy to be there, and satisfy them, me not having an orgasm in turn leaves them unsatisfied.
Read my reply if interested and comment if you can give some advice, sounds like you may have some insight.
Jesse Simmons says
A point that I believe you could, and should, have brought out concerns a woman’s physical reaction to sexual stimuli, to wit: Her vagina needs to moisten itself, and age and/or health issues may have some effect on this important stage, prior to any thought of probing for/during sexual stimulation. As women age, and sometimes health issues, the vagina will be slow to, or cease to, moisten its self in preparation for sexual union.
…..Incredibly complicated. Almost not worth it.. I mean really. I have to be her psychologist first.
Not worth what? Sex in general? You’d give up that easy? Try being a guy that has difficulty finishing, + all of the challenges that there can be incurred with women. Women don’t respond well to that at all and don’t want to sleep with me because they can’t do the trick, I get why some women fake it lol. That being said, sex can be; fun, fulfilling, pleasurable, rewarding, and I’m personally glad it’s not always easy or the ones that put the effort in wouldn’t stand out.
If it’s that much about sex for you and you aren’t willing to give a shit about your partner’s emotional needs then maybe you aren’t mature enough to be in a relationship in the first place.
mr patrl says
By the time I do all of this my libido is gone !!!
I hear ya man, and that’s why it’s a little one sided. I’m a difficult guy to finish off, and somtimes even stay hard, so they better put the effort in too, which from my experience is rare.
Onn Yew says
Wow what an amazingly well written article! I’m even more surprises it’s written by a man! Such a great level of understanding, logic, and empathy; not to mention the citations! Anyone would be lucky to be with you Sean. Fabulous work, I’ve honestly never seen anything that comes close to this level of quality!
I thought the same, great article, with many good sub articles and links.
Sean Jameson says
Hi, I am a male but alot more like a woman when it comes to sex; I need to be complemented and those breaks need to be removed, I need a lot of foreplay and teasing, and to top it off I’m not the easiest to finish off(reach orgasm). I just find it one sided, like is guys have to put all this work in to get our women in the mood, and remove those breaks, noticing them and complementing, but for us guys we are just supposed to be easy and ready to go. Now don’t get me wrong I put the effort in and can make my women squirm and cum like no tomorrow, and I’m just happy to be there, but with my last relationship I got alot of shame and negative remarks because I’m not getting off. I tried to explain myself and tell her what I needed, but I was just made to feel like something was wrong with me, and she’s not satisfied because I’m not cumming. I became so lost and resentful over time. I’m ok with putting in more work than her, it just felt one sided and like I was taken for granted. I worshiped her, did anything she asked, but I was treated better at the beginning of the relationship when I was kind of a di*k, not chasing her. Once I grew up, and fell in love with her, respected her, and matured so much more, I didn’t really get much in return. I hate the nice guys finish last theory, but it seems to be really proving true. The resentment grew, the onesidedness was with every aspect and we didn’t work. It really messed with me and I’ve not been the same since, the worst thing I did was to come to her when she wanted a peice, only making me hold on longer. Now after all that and the games I’m even harder to get off. I just wish the stereotype wasn’t there that guys are just ready and easy, and I could get some effort, noticed, complemented, and treated once in a while, but im finding it pretty much the same with all. I’m completely heterosexual, I just wish I could get treated more like a woman honestly; the effort, the buttering up, the complements, I just want equal and respect, truthfully I don’t even need equal, I’m ok with doing more, I just want appreciation. I hate to say but I just end up becoming the booty call, because I’m good in bed, but it never works out long term because, at least the girls I’ve been with aren’t used to not being able to finish their guy off and it gets to them, and then in turn is my fault. Well if I had a women that put the effort in and treated me like I do them I could have a great, sexual relationship. Sooooo ya im stuck because I’m not your typical guy, and maybe I should just play the games, but I can’t, I want something real and a 2 way street.
I’m a 32 year old guy, kinda broken after this last one, and my life got turned upside down losing nearly everything I worked so hard for, because I feel in love with the wrong one and didn’t play the games.
Any thoughts, recommendations, help? Don’t be rude please.
Hi Tyler, same here, I suffer from delayed ejaculation and I see a lot of the breaks mentioned in the article present in my partners life. I have been made to feel like my isue is my fault, that I’m a sick person, etc. But I have been working at it, with my therapist, and see some of it is rooted in childhood traumas and a tendency to anxiety and obsessive thoughts on my part. Been learning to relax more during sex and enjoy, a bit more selfishly. I was too focused on giving pleasure. Hang in there, mate, nothing inherently wrong with you (I see our aproach to sex is very similar) but it’s still a good idea to look into it to see if there are past issues that condition you. Either way it will be liberating, it has been for me and my self-esteem.
Women need to learn to remove their own brakes and cultivate their own accelerators. Men cannot be the sole caretaker of this and actually shouldn’t be. Females take charge of your own pleasure.
Efe oghene Ojigho says
First of all.. thank you… This has been very helpful… Well im not married. And all wjat you daid here is true…
One thing im not really the romantic type this i think is a disadvantage already…its like i dont know what to say .do to be romantic..and i dont want to act it..
Because anything i fake i dont really feel happy n i might flop while faking such as eye twitching,lips twitching. And am a funny guy.plus am not smooth so all these are already ….
Yeah at first i was okay im gonna try… To relieve n talk but now… I think am gonna just give up…. Its tooo much… I really tried to be patient but really it’s too much
What if the girl has a whole amount of sexual breaks… I need to remove…. N it takes large amount of time…
This could be me out here stressing my time n its still under probability that i might fuck her….
I think ill just wait n get married n fuck…
I mean i wouldn’t actually be complaining if i married i think at that time i would gladly take my time to help my patner because we are now together
This is a message for TYLER specially.
OMG your vunerability just made me soo turned on! The fact you are still in the game and even willing to spend time with a women even though you may not reach your own happy ending each (or even some of the) time. You have no idea how amazing that is. I am finishing up a 12 year relationship as I type this. The last 6 (yes SIX) years I have not had sex at all, not with my husband nor straying elsewhere. He just wouldn’t put any effort in at all.
His idea of foreplay became putting his hand down my pants and wondered why I wasn’t wet. I mean WTF, I loved him but it became a reflex to reject him especially when it was only once or twice a year. We went from watching an action movie or a comedy to a hand down my pants, how about a warning? It felt violated – talk about blockages needed to be removed! Then EVERY time I came onto him and tried to even start kissing him or touching his arm he recoiled and said ‘no thanks’ or ‘not now’ so I stopped trying years ago. He hasn’t seemed to miss it.
To read you put in all this effort for not even your own full pleasure and then women give you a hard time about it. Who are these women? I think you are amazing to keep satisfying a woman when it’s difficult for you to reach satisfaction for yourself. Geez, I would give anything to be with someone like you as I bet this selflessness isn’t just in the bedroom.
I truly hope you find a woman like me that will stick by her man through whatever he’s going through and just work out what can be satisfying for both parties moving forward. I just can’t stay with my man any longer, I think six years is long enough to never feel desired by the person I love and barely touched. I’m worth more and I’ve been patient enough now, he needs to sort himself out.
Tyler, there are women who would go to the end of the earth for the right man. For a selfless vulnerable man who is still willing to please her even if they have something going on for them and just not avoid it (perhaps as my guy has done – don’t know he won’t even talk to me). You want to be complemented. Well honey, here goes cause you certainly deserve it. YOU SOUND F*CKING AMAZING and the right woman will count her lucky stars to be with you regardless of you finishing or not.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a cold shower after reading and rereading your comments.
Tyler, this is great – clear and to the point. Unfortunately for me, it’s yet another academic piece on how to turn a woman on, because I’m simply incapable of doing it. I’ve tried many times with all sorts of women over the years but have never come close to crossing the platonic divide. My women friends ascribe this issue to chronic bad luck – but after trying to attract someone sexually for as long as I have, I’ve concluded that it’s just not worth trying any more. The reality is, a woman has to be romantically / sexually attracted to a guy before it’s possible to begin “removing the brakes”, as you put it. As a fundamentally unattractive man, there is no possibility of any woman being attracted to me in that way, so there is never a sign that a woman is open to me doing the sorts of things you identify / hint at here that would do the removing. Thanks.
Another brake for men and women is kidney disease. That’s one that I’m dilling with right now.
Thanks alot rly helped me find the courage to do stuff for like us instead of her now we have just had 2 kids and it helped me be a better sex partner hard being a full time tradie and ot having the time
Yeraterd Imanerd says
Most guys in the comments here could benefit from following a single piece of advice because it’s pretty clear what the issue is; lower your standards a little. I am more then willing to wager you are all targeting 8’s + and you just need to lower your standards a little. More then likely you have met the women that would treat you the way you want but you look at them the same way the women you chase look at you. Examine the mirror a little closer instead of blaming everyone else.
I’ve been having issues getting my woman to be sexually responsive to me, she once told me her body language is touch, then whenever I proceed to make intimate/seductive touch she normally backs out by shaking off my hand, and at the end I feel like I’m forcing things on her…I’m sexually starved and I literally don’t know what else to do that can spice up my arousal game
Sean Jameson says
You may want to chat with her about how this makes you feel and see if there’s a compromise you can reach.