#23 Conscious Sex and Lasting Longer In Bed With Eyal Matsliah

In this episode we welcome Eyal Matsliah, author and sex therapist.

Eyal takes a tantric approach to helping his clients overcome trauma, achieve multiple orgasms and take this energy into the rest of their lives.

We chat about the importance of conscious sex and how it can permeate through people’s intimate and public lives, inspiring creativity and success as well as bringing previously unimaginable heights of pleasure.

The conversation also covers sexual repression, early ejaculation, and achieving the sometimes illusive orgasm. Eyal has plenty of helpful instructions from his book and website to share as a taste of what he offers.

Finally, Eyal explains the idea of slow sex and how our attitudes towards sexuality can maximize our enjoyment and benefit.

Highlights

• Eyal’s background and how he came to his current position.
• What Eyal understands by the term ‘conscious sex’.
• The yoni massage and the healing that it can entail for both parties.
• Prevalence of sexual repression and freeing ourselves from these shackles.
• Harnessing energy through tantra and using it for your life.
• Help for those who struggle to have any type of orgasm.
• A guide to a helpful and exploratory self pleasuring practice.
• A remedy for men with a lack of longevity in bed.
• How to help your partner along the path to better sex in the right way.
• Slow sex and getting away from the fast paced fiction of porn.
• The different attitudes we can foster towards these goals.
• Direct and indirect pleasure and considering giving and taking.
• And much more!

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Transcript

Sean Jameson: Hey guys, today on the podcast, I am talking to Eyal Matsliah, a sexual empowerment coach, author and speaker, he’s also written a book called Orgasm Unleashed – Your Guide to Pleasure, Healing and Power and through his website, he helps people to experience deep self-love, ecstatic sex and fulfilling relationships as well as bringing the teachings of Tantra to the western world in a practical and none dogmatic way.

Eyal, thanks so much for coming on this show.

Eyal Matsliah: Thank you very much man, thank you for having me.

Sean Jameson: I’d love to start off with a little bit about you and your background and how you came to be a sexual empowerment coach.

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, this is something that I’ve been interested in women since I was a child and I guess many boys are interested in girls and stuff. But for me, it was always like something between like a scientific curiosity, you can say, I was and still am a geek and then when I was in my teenage years, I was always kind of like the nice guy that the women can kind of count on. I learned to really hold space for women and really be, you know, more trustworthy and more safe and so on.

Later, also became a problem because II didn’t just want to be the nice guy, I wanted to have sex with them. Yeah, there was one time for example, we were hanging out and a group of friends and then I approached one of the women and asked her, “Did you have any negative and traumatic sexual experience?”

And she said, “How do you know?” It’s like, how do anybody in the world knows because I just felt her, you know, kind of like body language and had general energy and –

Sean Jameson: She seemed a bit closed off or something or –

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, closed off and something like a bit reactive in her body language as well. Yeah, I was obviously – she went through rape by a family member and stuff. Yeah, then when I started making love, having sex, obviously, I wanted pleasure and I wanted to be with many women and so on but also, one of the things that I want to do is like, which is really important for me to pleasure them and then I started – I learned about Tantra and sexuality in 2005, I attended my first proper Tantra workshop.

Then, one of the things we talked about is healing the yoni, healing the vagina, healing trauma through both through conscious sex and also through what then I was calling yoni massage. Yoni Massage being vaginal massage. I was doing this with all of my lovers so then, thank God I was having sex, yeah, with nearly every woman I was with, I was also focused on both pleasuring her and you know, many women experienced their first orgasm with me or their strongest orgasm when being with me, whatever that was.

I also helped many women, heal informed trauma and abuse and you know, anorgasmia and all of that stuff. Women started telling, you should offer this as a service to other women only not your lovers as a paid service and in the beginning, I thought like me, “I’m not good enough, I’m not certified, I’m’ not this, I’m not that.”

Until a friend said, “You’re already doing it so just acknowledge it.” And just do it which is very enlightening for me and my first client was actually a woman called Layla Martin that now is getting to be one of the top sexual educators in the world.

Sean Jameson: Yeah, I’ve heard of Layla.

Eyal Matsliah: Then, I started from just physical, you know, yoni massage, vaginal massage, whole body massage, using the oil, all of that stuff and through the years, my practice have transformed, you know, to the point where now I do a little bit of body work and even the body work, you know, there’s hardly any oil involved and it’s not so much a massage, it’s more of an empowerment session for women to really learn what to ask for and how to surrender and so we can talk more about this if you wish.

Sean Jameson: Sure, you mentioned two things I’d love to take you up on. One was conscious sex and what do you mean exactly by conscious sex as opposed to sex?

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, great question, I’m not sure anybody asked me that, which is interesting.

First of all, we like to put the word conscious before everything, you know, there’s kind of like –

Sean Jameson: That’s very true.

Eyal Matsliah: When I say we, I mean, like myself and also like a lot of people in –

Sean Jameson: Conscious capitalism, conscious concealing.

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, you know? Also you can joke about you know, using it in front of like a really bad thing or conscious genocide and stuff like this.

Yeah, conscious, the idea of the word conscious is that they’re not just doing the mechanical action, okay? You’re doing it and you’re conscious of what it is, you’re conscious of what you’re doing, you know, you can be conscious about eating and so on, it’s a good example.

With conscious sex, it’s not just the act of you know, penetration and orgasm or no orgasm but you’re aware of the bigger forces behind that, you’re aware that you’re bringing consciousness, you’re bring awareness into every moment of the interaction into every aspect of interaction, okay?

You can still have really no passionate, intense sex but it can still be conscious because you are there with every stroke, with every touch, with every caress, with every breath with every sound, with every movement, okay?

The idea conscious sex, it’s really – it doesn’t have to be spiritual in something called, you know, maybe don’t’ like that word spiritual. But the idea is to be aware of everything. I’m saying that because many people have unconscious sex on alcohol or just doing it technically, you know?

Sean Jameson: Yeah, or it’s – they’re going through routine maybe. Or they’re even fantasizing about someone else or being somewhere else.

Eyal Matsliah: Good point, yeah, fantasizing about somebody else. Which is not so much conscious sex, it’s something else, okay? The idea is really being totally, it’s kind of like bringing the power of now into sex, okay? It’s like really bringing awareness and also in other words, that you can use is intentional sex, okay? Or sacred sex is another way to call it, okay? All of these words are – it’s the best to put them together, you know? Conscious and sacred and intentional sex.

And then through that, sex by the way is not just penetration, I talk more about sexuality and sexuality includes sex. But it’s not just sex, I would save in conscious sexuality because you can have that by yourself, if you’re by yourself for six months and not engaging with anyone, man or woman, you can still have conscious sex with yourself and you can bring the awareness of sexuality through every moment and every aspect of your life which is really what my work is about.

I like to say I’m not just a sex guy or a sex coach but I combine sexuality, creativity and business and the idea is sexual empowerment is not – it doesn’t just help you have like one hour orgasm and you know, hours of sex and all of that.

It gives you that and that’s great but it’s really about empowerment, it’s about self-love, it’s about sharing your creative gifts and bringing them into your business. I work primarily with people with businesses and then how you can manifest, how you can make your business really an expression of who you really are and express your values.

Do more of what you love, work with the people that you love and really change the world through that. Really, it’s like taking sex into making a difference in the world through your sexual energy.

Sean Jameson: Okay, I’m just going to rewind a little bit, you also mentioned a yoni massage, for those who haven’t heard of the yoni or yoni massage, what is it and how do people experience it.

Eyal Matsliah: What most women and men know about what to do with yoni is fingering. Okay, fingering or you know penile penetration or dildos and stuff. A yoni massage and it’s funny because I don’t use that word too much but let’s say, as I used to define it is basically touching the whole body and then at the end, the vagina, yoni is the Sanskrit name for vagina, it means sacred space or sacred temple.

Sean Jameson: That’s a good translation.

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, this word just sounds so nice. Then, this is done for a few purposes, one of them is obviously pleasure and pleasure does not just mean orgasm. I wrote a book about orgasm but people get too much attached to this orgasm or that orgasm.

First of all, expanding your experience of pleasure, as a woman receiving yoni massage. Second thing is healing, there’s a lot of things to heal, even if a woman didn’t have major sexual trauma, many things can be traumatic for the yoni and as I like to say, the yoni remembers.

The yoni remembers a lot of things, it might be a partner that penetrated you to you, the listener, penetrated you too early and were not wet enough or ready enough, whatever. Even though like he had no malice, the yoni remembered so something in the tissue locks up and obviously, the tissue is related to emotions and mental states and so on.

This is one thing that yoni – another thing that yoni massage does is heals both physical and also emotional, mental things about – not just the yoni but generally, sexuality, you know? Obviously I can give examples for all of that.

Sean Jameson: Please do, yeah.

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, for example, a client asked me, the client. Yeah, I’m talking about yoni massage and my – as I mentioned earlier, my work has really expanded, you know? For one woman, she asked me to look at her menstruating yoni. So to look at her yoni bleeding. For me, I was like, sure, but what? Because for me it’s totally natural to you know, with my lovers to go down on her and to have sex with her. For her, it was a big taboo, she comes from a Muslim country.

For example, this is something that can be very healing to have a man or woman, my language is quite heteronormative but this is because this is my experience and please as a listener to make your own translations as you need.

Having anyone, man or woman look at your vagina with appreciation, with reverence and even say what they like, what they appreciate, what they enjoy, what they’re turned on by, is a very healing thing for a woman to do and also for a man who is just used to seeing porn vaginas, okay?

Really finding what you as a man or you as a person like, enjoy and appreciate about a person’s yoni or generally genitals is a very healing thing to do. That’s one thing.

Sean Jameson: I think so and I think coming with a non-judgmental attitude, both partners, each partner with themselves and with each other is a very important thing. Otherwise that’s one of those things that causes people to lock up to potentially become frigid and closed off. Yeah, I think it can be damaging to just having an enjoyable sex life.

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, there’s so many shades and there’s so many intricacies to that because I’ve been doing this work for a while and I’m still, you know, you’re interviewing me here as an expert but in the same way that I’m an expert, I’m also still on this journey. I’m still a student, I’m still discovering things that I have hang-ups about, you know?

The idea is that sexuality is so vast, it’s really where our real self and also our wounds, our light but also our shadows hiding our sexuality. The thing is, whenever you suppress it, it becomes an issue and it becomes a problem.

Sean Jameson: Where do you think those hang-ups come from? Do you think they’re cultural or do you think they’re just innate , see the side that this is right, this is wrong?

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, you know, it’s kind of like nurture versus nature. I have an article, you can put it in the shownotes or you can google it. It’s called, Are We Sexually Repressed But Don’t Know It. You can google it with my name EYAL or Intimate Power, the website and you will find it too, it’s also in the Huffington Post.

In the article I make the claim that society, people in western society consider themselves to be sexually liberated, you know, after the sexual liberation of the 60s and the pill and people are having sex outside of marriage and been there and whatever. But the case that I make there is that most people and society as a whole is actually sexually oppressed, sexually repressed and also infantile about sexuality with depictions of sexuality being really more infantile, immature, let’s say it like that.

Society actually have issues with such and you see that by the problems, you see that porn is not just a problem by itself, it’s also a byproduct of people being dissatisfied and having issues and this is why they go and they consume porn. One out of three porn users are women by the way, it’s not just a man thing.

You look at rates of 9inaudible] some point in his life. The average man lasts five minutes from penetration to ejaculation which is by itself, I think this is even more worrisome statistic because if this is the average, this is average sex for most people in the world, five minutes of penetration and also, that’s – I consider that a problem.

You look at also rates of anorgasmia among women, most women go throughout their life, not having an orgasm or they are experiencing what they think is an orgasm but they’re not aware that an orgasm can be so much more than that you know, five second peak that they arrive at after a lot of rubbing and very strong vibrators and whatever.

Sean Jameson: They’ve spent the entire session themselves or with a partner just trying to get to orgasm, maybe not even enjoying the journey along the way.

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, one of the things that I guide women and men but mostly women with self-pleasuring and so many women tell me, it’s like they default to what we call explosive orgasms which it sounds really good, explosive orgasm, basically means that the energy is lost.

Explosive means like there’s an explosion and all of the energy is lost, it feels nice for like five seconds but then many women say like their clit becomes hypersensitive, their pleasure drops immediately, sometimes they don’t want to have sex anymore.

Sometimes it opens them for more but many times, they kind of like feel done but not really deeply satisfied. Sometimes they feel emotional like sad and bitchy and stuff and they sometimes even feel it for days afterwards. Some people say that it takes two weeks for the hormones to really reset after such a –

Sean Jameson: With something like Tantra be a good solution to that? To this kind of – maybe someone’s very goal orientated, they want to just get to orgasm, Tantra can help?

Eyal Matsliah: Yes, Tantra is a big world and a big thing by the way, only 5% of Tantra is actually sexuality. For me, I’m talking about Tantra Tantric as a whole life approach and yeah, definitely I cover sexuality as well. If people get my book, Orgasm Unleashed, people, I mean, both women and also anybody who is interested in women, it’s literally a guide for a woman to become multi orgasmic by herself and later share that with a partner and she doesn’t have a partner, she will attract just literally proven she will attract better lovers into her life.

Also, there’s various stuff, resources on my website which also guide people and women how to discover it that there’s actually dozens of different kinds of orgasms, there’s literally orgasmic states that last for an hour or longer. There’s states of orgasm that are much easier to achieve but with less efforts, you don’t have to push and rub and whatever.

Sean Jameson: Clench those muscles.

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, clench those muscles, exactly, because they’re so satisfying, they are so much more satisfying, it’s the difference between like – between like that really cheap chocolate with 5% cacao and like a premium, if you like bitter chocolate like me, it’s like, you know, 90% like you know, organic sugar is with whatever, you know? That’s really the difference.

Between junk food and some French cuisine like really nice new French cuisine now, food. I’m not disrespecting the other kind of orgasm, it’s okay but once you start being aware of what’s really possible, women usually don’t look back and don’t have those explosive orgasms because they realize they don’t serve them.

By the way, the same thing with men. When men ejaculate too often, they have the same thing, you know? Lose erection, lose interest, lose connection with the partner, can’t get it up for another few minutes or hours, you know, especially when you’re going to your 30s and 40s and stuff.

If you know about the Science of Success, Napoleon Hill wrote about this in Think and Grow Rich, Tim Ferriss talks about it, Dave Asprey from, Bulletproof Coffee talks about it, that minimizing your number of ejaculations throughout the year really improves your creativity, improve your success, improve your confidence, I get reports from men telling me that after a week, they feel like so much – full of energy like they need to jerk off because they need to let go of that energy.

Instead off jerking off, actually, harnessing that energy for the creativity, for the business, for the fatherhood, for the spiritual practice, for the mission, for whatever it is that they’re doing. It’s very similar with men and women.

Sean Jameson: Okay, let’s say, because all of this seems fantastic but I get contacted so often, not by people who have these peak orgasms and they’re just fine, everything’s okay but actually I’ve contacted a lot more by women who just struggle to have an orgasm, even by themselves and when they’re totally relaxed. Would you have any advice for –

Eyal Matsliah: Definitely.

Sean Jameson: Perfect, you’re on the right show.

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, the first thing in having an orgasm is stop worrying about having an orgasm. I know it sounds counterintuitive but so many women put so much stress upon themselves in having an orgasm or even you know, they read my book and they go like, no, I want to have a cervical orgasm, I want to have a one hour orgasm, I want to have throughout ejaculation or female ejaculation or whatever. It’s kind of like A type personality in bed.

Sean Jameson: They’re just goal oriented.

Eyal Matsliah: Goal oriented, okay? Instead, the most important thing is to see this orgasmicness and to focus on sensation and even pleasure if you will but not so much worry about orgasm.

The first thing to do is really first of all, look at where you’re at, what’s your connection to your body, how do you feel about the sight of your body and your genitals, about your – the taste of your genitals, the smell of your genitals. How do you feel about sexuality, how do you feel about other people’s sexuality and you can look at what you judge at others to see where your shadows are? Because usually what you judge, you either have it and you hate it or you want it and thus you judge it. If you think about mirror theory, okay? Whatever we see outside is actually inside.

First of all, before you even do anything and that’s again also in my book, there’s a five step model to becoming more orgasmic. First of all, inquire of where you’re at, what’s your experience, how does your orgasm feel, how easy it is for you to orgasm. Do you have any past experiences which are not so positive, you know, first of all, ask yourself these questions.

The second thing that and kind of like breaking away from the model for a second. You know what? In the model, it’s like the second thing is to learn. There are things that you need to learn about sexuality and if think that reading that Cosmopolitan article with five tips to orgasm is going to get you orgasmic, good luck.

Sean Jameson: Yeah, good luck.

Eyal Matsliah: Because really, if you eat more cucumber, I don’t l know what, orange juice and do some exercises, I don’t know, maybe you –

Sean Jameson: Well, it’s also, there’s five steps to getting six pack abs. You know, it’s all these easy solutions that just aren’t realistic.

Eyal Matsliah: People want like the magic pill, the magic bullet or whatever that is. I would say first of all, understand that it’s a journey and it’s a process and if you’ve – by the way, I had women who read one article of mine and then literally their whole sex life turned around but some of them are like that and some women took weeks of practice.

The next thing that I would suggest is develop a self-pleasuring practice. I’m not using the word masturbation because masturbation immediately, we think about jerking off, using a vibrator, whatever. Do not use a vibrator, throw away your vibrator, your vibrator actually makes you desensitized and I know, maybe it works, some women tell me to like – it works, you know? It works, it means it’s okay.

Sean Jameson: I think that can definitely be true because you know, it can feel great but it’s not mimicking sex very accurately.

Eyal Matsliah: You know, if you want to be really happy, shoot heroin. Okay, I haven’t experienced it myself, I talk with people, they say, it’s like, nothing compares to the level of peace, relaxation and joy that you get from heroin. If you really want to be happy, shoot heroin but if you want to be happy in more natural ways, you find other ways to do that. The same thing with pleasure, with pleasure and you know, vibrators.

Again, I say this, I’m a man and I can understand some women will be like, who the fuck is this guy talking about our sexuality, fair enough. I’m here because I worked with so many women and have women sexuality leaders like Layla Martin and many others and my work and so on.

It’s good to be open to what’s possible. Yeah, self-pleasuring practice, let go of the vibrator, understand you’re not a child anymore, you know? Becoming orgasmic is becoming orgasmic in your whole body, not just you know, one part of your body.

Self-pleasuring practice which means at least, usually say at least 20 minutes a day, when I say at least, I usually mean 40 minutes or longer, so twice that. You learn how to relax which by itself is like a big thing. If you want, put a bookmark on that and we’ll get back to it in a few minutes just so I don’t, you know, keep jumping from one topic to another.

Then you explore touching yourself, connecting to your body, arousing yourself and many women would say, I don’t do it because I’m not feeling aroused and that’s exactly the idea. Don’t expect a partner to make you aroused and you need to learn how to arouse yourself and if you’re not wet, learn how to arouse yourself so much that you get wet, it’s okay to use lube in the beginning or sometimes.

Enjoy clitoral stimulation but avoid clitoral explosive orgasms and again, it is all in the book, Orgasm Unleashed – Your Guide To Pleasure, Healing and Power, it is all how to make the transition and again, saying there is nothing wrong with the clit. It is just a part of the body which is designed to give you a really quick pleasure but if you want the deep pleasure, you need to learn to let go around it.

And the main thing is to use a dildo or something which is penis shaped not vibrating in order to explore inside. Pleasure yourself inside, heal yourself inside and also empower yourself inside your vagina. Because then you’re start finding areas which are numb. Then find areas which feel a bit itchy and it is not real itchiness, itchy or painful and they’re painful because they are something which is locked there.

So the same thing like you go to a Swedish massage person and you have a painful point in your back, you don’t tell them, “Don’t massage me there because it is painful.” You say, “Ouch yes there. Yes it is a bit tense there.” So the same thing you do with the dildo.

Sean Jameson: So you’re maybe focusing on that itch which could be pleasurable as well but not necessarily focusing on actually reaching orgasm.

Eyal Matsliah: Well you can. So that is one of the things that is all nice about this practice. You can also find the areas or the things that gives you a lot of pleasure and deepen them and the thing with pleasure, people think about pleasure as a one dimensional thing but actually pleasure is so many – literarally, I talk about the book, about 20 or 30 different kinds of orgasms but literary there’s a billion different kinds of orgasms and every time we will experience something slightly different.

So for example one of the things that women encounter is that once they start self-pleasuring, they start to experience states of pleasure which are so intense that they stop. So literarally the pleasure becomes so strong that they feel like they are about to faint or it feels like drugs or it feels like something which is a little bit overwhelming.

Sean Jameson: They are going and lose control maybe.

Eyal Matsliah: Lose control with consciousness exactly, thank you very much for saying that and that is very, very frightening. So that used to relax, what they call relax into intensity and both into the intensity of pleasure and also the intensity of pain, terror and whatever else is coming.

Not to try to rationalize it, analyze it, explain it. Just go into the sensations and expressing the emotions. So that is generally, obviously there is many, many things to the practice and what to do before and what to do after. It is all in the book, but the idea is you need to do this for at least a month, I would suggest even two months and then once you get really orgasmic every other day for the rest of your life. And self-pleasuring is basically having sex with the most important person in your life which is yourself.

Sean Jameson: Just to butt in, I think that is quite important as well because we like to say that we live in this judgment free world and we can find a partner who is not going to judge us but when there is no one else there to even potentially think about judging you, I think it is a great place to start that you don’t have to worry about the second person and you can just focus purely on your self.

Eyal Matsliah: Exactly. and there is also a dynamic I see mainly with women but also with men that I cannot practice this because I don’t have a partner. And I am saying it’s perfect that you don’t have a partner right now and you found out this work because if you find a partner right now you will manifest, attract whatever you want to call it the partner which has corresponding issues to your issues right now and once you do this work, you raise what I call your sexual resonance.

And I have story after story after story of women that I know women that I love with women that were clients, women that read the book that attracted better lovers because they did this work but with the most important things in life there is no shortcuts okay? So if you –

Sean Jameson: Well unless you want to shoot heroine there’s that one.

Eyal Matsliah: Exactly that works.

Sean Jameson: There is always that too.

Eyal Matsliah: Heroin and a vibrator at the same time. So yeah, it is very important to do this. By the way, the same thing with men. The same thing with men who wants to practice ejaculation control, men who wants to become better lovers, men who wants to connect more to their feminine side and emotions and so on, stop jerking off in the shower like you are 16.

Sean Jameson: So if there is a guy listening or perhaps a partner of a guy who wants to help them prolong, help them last longer in bed before ejaculation, what are your thoughts on that? Is it simple? Is there a heroinesque remedy there or is it again putting in the work?

Eyal Matsliah: Sure so I have a 10 hour program about this, somebody told me, “Why did you make a 10 hour program?” I am like, “Because that is important” so I agree, I really like to talk a lot for the program. It might have been seven or eight hours. This is literary an hour. This is really literary some people say, “An hour? That’s longer. It is about squeezing this and breathing like that yes?” And I’m like, “Oh…?”

Sean Jameson: Absolutely, that is all you read online. It’s crazy.

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah exactly. So again, if you go to my website, Intimate Power, there is a free version of the program that men can use. Are you more asking about what women can do to support them? Is that your question?

Sean Jameson: I am asking generally because I guess that it is not going to be a 10 hour podcast. So either a woman listening or a man, a male partner listening and they are thinking you’ve got this partner and he wants to last longer, I want them to last longer. And we don’t really talk about it because we found actionable information.

Eyal Matsliah: Sure, so first of all I would say 99.9% of people, I don’t remember people who want their partner to come faster. Most people want their partner to come – to last longer. The only reason that somebody wants their partner to finish up slower is because the sex sucks all because they have some sexual trauma and when a man is inside you, man or woman and you have sexual trauma if he is inside you for longer you will feel your sexual trauma stronger.

If he finishes fast – and that is one of the things that I see many times but when I work with couples like the woman would say, “No he lasted just as long. I don’t want him to last longer.” And immediately it is a red flag for me that something is wrong there.

So that is the first thing and then again, I always want to start with why. So why are you ejaculating, why do you want him to ejaculate? Is there something that proves your femininity that proves that you have done a good job?

Some women tells me like, “Yeah I want to know that I gave him pleasure.” What the five second pleasure of ejaculation? That’s what you want to give him? You care so much about him you want to give him five seconds of pleasure?

So I believe that supporting a man to become multi-orgasmic is really the way to giving pleasure. How do you feel when a man ejaculates? Okay there’s some positive things and this union and connection and so on. But if you really feel into and I do this at my workshops. I ask the whole room to say what’s negative, okay you told me about the positive and then women have a bag of negative things to say about what if the man ejaculates.

Like I say usually it is too early. They feel a disconnection. They feel a disconnection from the men and I can attest to it. On the few times that I ejaculated. It is like a second earlier I am totally connected to the woman then ejaculate and then a few seconds later I still love her but in some way I feel it a bit less.

It is more petting her on the back and then going to sleep or going to do my thing. You lose erection obviously so sex stops at that moment. Many women say that they feel used, the disconnection mainly this is the thing for me. Because sex is so much often connecting thing that experience of this disconnection is really sad.

And also a man loses some of his mojo, his confidence, his power. It becomes a bit tired and sleepy but those are the next day when you pass when you go into your 30s and your 40s you start feeling it the next day especially by the way if you haven’t ejaculated for two, three, four, five, six weeks then you really start feeling it. That drop in your confidence. You feel a drop in your presence, you feel a drop in your spiritual practice okay.

So this is just a why, I talked for five minutes and the videos and the program even the free program like 45 minutes just talking about all of the stuff related to that. So the reason I am doing that same thing within our Simon Sinek, Start with Why and TED Talk and book and so on is that it is important for you to have a good why before you start jumping in with the techniques and if you have a strong why you can come to your partner and you can say, “Darling, I heard this on a podcast, you might be losing some of your life force and this is why you’re tired the next day and this is why you’re groggy and this is why you’re less focused,” or whatever.

And this is why I am feeling less connected after sex and feeling a bit moody because usually men who ejaculate, go to bed with women who have clitoral orgasms or explosive orgasms. So both people think they have a good experience but it is nothing compared to what’s actually possible quite easily actually.

So come to your partner and say, “I like us to have better sex, would you like that?” Kind of like sell it to a man because it is very difficult to come to a man and say, “Listen, mate I want you to last longer.”

Sean Jameson: Yeah, that is an ego blow right there.

Eyal Matsliah: Yeah, men feel quite challenged and in the same breath I would say that many women try to protect their men as if they’re boys. “I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to challenge him.” He’s a man okay? So yeah we have some compassion and be diplomatic about that but also I said it is the same thing with woman, they are not girls, they are not babies. So honesty I think it is the most important thing and for example I had this woman that she said that she was having pain when her husband was penetrating her.

Very love and caring, her husband was penetrating her but she said, “But he gives me ample time for foreplay.” And I ask her okay, what is ample time and she said, “10 minutes sometimes even 20.” And I said ample time for foreplay is enough foreplay until you are wet, willing, ready and can’t wait another second for him to penetrate you. That’s ample time.

Sean Jameson: Such a perfect definition because that could be one minute or it could be three-four hours.

Eyal Matsliah: Exactly and I have been with many lovers and many women who are totally sexual and orgasmic and expressive and whatever you want. Some of them take one or two hours to be ready and I learn and is still learning to this day that I can use all of my fancy tricks to make them this and make them that and so on, their whole body needs to have a yes. And it’s so juicy and it’s so beautiful and it is so arousing when a woman tells you I want you inside me, you know it’s like – and it is not just the mind telling me that.

The whole body has a yes. We’re starting going off courses I really love doing. You ask me about how a woman can support men in –

Sean Jameson: Yeah like how she could help to hear him compassionately on the improving, delaying, lasting longer.

Eyal Matsliah: Yes, so first of all saying, “Darling would you like to know how to pleasure me? Would you like to know how to bring me to deeper orgasms? I learned on this podcast an orgasm for an hour and we can both orgasm together.” And sell it to him from that, with that angle and if a man tells you, “No I am not interested to have better sex with you.” You should ask yourself what you’re doing with that man and I hear this a lot by the way.

Many women are much more interested in self-personal development and improving their sexuality than men are and if men are listening to this I can tell you that many women literarally break up with you or cheat on you because of the sex life. So really this is something which is not just about sex. It is essentially about the whole relationship. So yes assuming the guy is into it, the first thing that you need to do is to really relax and slow down.

So this idea of slow sex and soft sex and gentle sex because what you see in porn is an abomination.

Sean Jameson: It is hilarious.

Eyal Matsliah: But it’s sad and again, I am talking about porn not just as a problem but it is an expression. Like I sometimes watch porn and ask myself, “Really? They don’t know?” Some of those porn stars it seems like they have years of experience and the directors and the channels and whatever, 99% of sex looks exactly the same thing which is penis going in and out in and out in and out as fast and as hard as possible. Have you seen anything like that?

Sean Jameson: I think we all have if we are being honest.

Eyal Matsliah: I know. I sometimes try to find porn that arouses me and I am like boring. So yeah, let go of that, of sex that is based on friction and by the way, a little bit of friction is okay. I enjoy a little bit of friction, it is okay as well.

But learn to slow down and let’s say slow friction even, slowly. Slowly in and out would give you much pleasure in the long run because you are starting to open your sensitivity because very strong friction and very strong pounding and all of that. In most cases not in all cases but in most cases actually de-synthesizes your vaginal and his penis by the way.

First of all relax and tell your partner before sex that you really want to explore slow sex and slow sex doesn’t mean boring sex. It means that while you are pausing inside you for a while. Pause for one minute at a time every couple of minutes and then the kiss and you look into each other’s eyes and you enjoy touching the rest of the body.

Sean Jameson: So you are saying it is not about this porn bam-bam-bam sex. I think that ties into what you are saying then about conscious sex.

Eyal Matsliah: Exactly and also really be conscious about the sensation, be conscious about the emotion. By the way sometime people fuck harder because they are starting to feel something. So doing it stronger is actually a way to numb it but when you pause, something happens to men after that 20 minutes, 30 minutes of love making, men’s heart starts to open and then the whole body becomes more sensitive and then everything.

And then it’s kind of like a sensitivity that may be they don’t know and emotions they don’t know usually. They try to numb it by ejaculating basically. Another thing for women is you learn how to avoid too much clitoris stimulation before sex or during sex and for so many people clitoral stimulation is the foreplay. It’s like kiss, left boob, right boob, oral sex for five minutes and then penetrate.

That is the routine and instead, look at how you can arouse yourself first by the way, we can put another bookmark on that and you can ask me about it in a second. Arouse yourself even without the genitals. There’s so many avenues to take this conversation. And one of the things that you can also do with your partner is reflect to him when you think that he’s too close to ejaculating.

Sean Jameson: Okay that makes sense.

Eyal Matsliah: Usually if you can hear it you can feel it. When the men start to go “uh-uh-uh” like trying to get somewhere and get to something that is another tip that a woman sometimes will feel the men’s energy better than the men and basically constant pauses and also understanding that the men might need to pull out and do some stuff, do some exercise to move the energy.

And I would say also before during and afterwards always go back to relaxation. I already talked about pauses but see how many more muscles you can relax. How you can relax specifically, your breath, breathing into the belly, relaxing the muscles and I am sharing a lot of different details and techniques and whatever, all of it is a few very basic attitudes and the attitude of relaxation is the first one. The attitude of feeling, the second one, relax your muscles, relax your mind basically. The second thing is feel so feel whatever is happening in your body.

Try to feel what is happening in the other person’s body as well and then the third one is express and express or sometimes I say allow, which means see what the body wants to do by itself without you pushing, allow the breath to come to the belly. Allow the sounds to come out, allow the natural movement of the body to come out. So most of the work that I do with people isn’t about doing something. It is about removing the programming that they have to move and breath and sound in a certain way.

It is removing blockages, or tensions in the body. I literarally have woman that come to me non-orgasmic and literary after one session, specifically a body work session but sometimes I do the same thing over Skype. So I do a guided self-pleasuring session. So a woman would self-pleasure and I would just hear or see how she breathes, how she moves, how she touches herself and I would suggest her to stop doing some things but while she stopped doing some things, you start to hear and see more okay? So it is not about doing more, it is actually about doing less.

Sean Jameson: Okay, so then coming back to that bookmark about arousing yourself. What would you recommend if someone wants to more easily get aroused?

Eyal Matsliah: We talked about self-pleasuring earlier both for men and women I would recommend that and self-pleasuring without exploding at the end, without ejaculating at the end because you really need to build your energy in order to feel after a week or two weeks or sometimes a month like what does it mean for the first time in your life to go around with sexual energy rather than exploding it and losing it all the time.

It is a little bit like money you know? If you want to learn how to have money apart from making money try to put some aside and how does it feel when you have a thousand dollars in your wallet and you are not spending it on whatever it is you are spending it all the time. How does it feel to have whatever it is, by the way sexual energy is very related to wealth and creativity and success and all of that stuff.

To your question, one of the biggest realizations and aha moments and transformations that they experienced in the past. Basically my sexual life and in my professional career is the idea of taking. So the idea of taking is that we constantly focus on doing something for another person, pleasuring another person which is very important and I don’t want people to think that it is not important.

But that is only half of the interaction. Half of the way that you can have pleasure is by giving pleasure okay? Good enough is by taking pleasure or receiving pleasure or let’s say taking pleasure is a totally different dynamic. Which means let’s say with my current partner, we have an agreement that we can take pleasure from each other’s body all the time in every place in every situation, sex or no sex or whatever. I can touch her for my pleasure, I don’t need to pleasure her unless she asks me or I ask her to do something that feels nice, okay?

So most of the time I am touching her for me. Just to explain it for a second, most of my life I was pleasuring women and I said I don’t need you to pleasure me because I get so much pleasure from pleasuring you. And it’s true, it is pleasurable but it is what’s called indirect pleasure which means I am touching her genitals and she is having pleasure and she is expressing that via her sound or she is saying that it is good or she is saying you know something.

And then my brain perceives that and my brain goes, “Oh okay I receive pleasure.” That is very round about indirect long winded way to experience pleasure. Actually the natural way to experience pleasure is I touch something and I have pleasure. The pleasure goes through my nerve, directly to my brain, my brain goes, “Yay pleasure!”

Sean Jameson: Okay, so –

Eyal Matsliah: That is what you call the direct pleasure, the direct route of pleasure.

Sean Jameson: Eyal, this has been fantastic. It’s been really great talking to you and I am just wondering if people want to talk more with you, if they want to find out more about your book or maybe even book a session with you, what is the best way to get in touch?

Eyal Matsliah: Cool, thank you for asking. So check out my website. You can look for my nickname, so my full name is a mouthful but my nickname is Eyal Now and you can find it on most social, Facebook I share a lot and on Instagram I share a lot and there’s also other social media channels that I am on and there is a lot of material, there’s the book, there is a lot of free stuff both for men and for women and I am very happy to also share that I am –

For those who are – also to learn the idea of pleasuring another person, awakening pleasure I am in the process of launching an online program which teaches, mainly, men how to touch women but anybody can apply it to touch anybody and the idea that it is not just about genital touch but it is literarally about how to look at someone how to talk with someone, how to hold them, hug someone and by the way, I hug women and they go into orgasm just from me hugging them and that’s what I teach in the program.

And obviously whole body massage and breast massage and using the five elements which is very transformational for people. So many different ways of touching and holding and also vaginal massage, yoni massage and stuff like this but really it is a very deep program that includes a lot of my experience from 15 years of Tantra and many more years of sexual exploration.

So again, that’s all in the website as well and I would say that I am especially interested to work and to guide people who are doing something good in the world. People who are helping other people, people with already established businesses, they are doing something in the world because when I help them, I indirectly help literary make the world a better place.

Especially people who are leaders, working on personal development, wellbeing, sexuality, coaching, education, all of this stuff I am very, very happy to help and guide and empower these people.

Sean Jameson: Awesome that is a great philosophy.

Eyal Matsliah: Thank you very much.

Sean Jameson: Eyal, thanks so much for coming on the show.

Eyal Matsliah: Thank you very much Sean and thank you for the work that you are doing and for giving me a stage and a microphone and you know just to add, I would really be happy to if you have any people that you feel I should take my message to as well, you or anybody listening, I really want to share this work and it doesn’t matter if somebody has a podcast with 10 listeners, I will be on that podcast. Because I trust that the right information get’s to the right people. So yeah, thank you again for your work.