#62 27 Hand Job Tips to Make Him Explode with Ashley Manta

Hand jobs are often overlooked as an appetizer to sexual experiences when the truth is, they can lead to an incredible explosion of pleasure for anyone with a penis! In this episode of The Bad Girls Bible, sex expert Ashley Manta joins us to share her hand job tips. Tuning in, you’ll gain insight into Ashley’s extensive experience working as a sexual violence counselor, a phone sex operator, and even at a Planned Parenthood clinic.

You’ll find out how she became passionate about helping people improve their sex lives before discussing how to unlock your dirty talk voice. Ashley goes on to share some incredible hand job tips; from posture to foreplay, using two hands, why lube is essential, and much more, her tips will blow your mind! Hear all about the importance of consent and feedback, learn some amazing techniques like the “pepper grinder” and the “waterfall,” and find out how you can “bring it home” to help your partner achieve an explosive orgasm. You won’t want to miss this episode, so be sure to tune in now!

Key Points From This Episode

• Ashely’s early career; from sexual violence counselor to Planned Parenthood. 
• What it was like to work as a phone sex operator.
• Advice for unlocking your dirty talk voice and gaining confidence in it. 
• Why someone may opt to give their partner a hand job instead of a blow job. 
• What inspired Ashley to perfect her hand job technique (and how she did it). 
• How to prepare your hands for a hand job, plus some foreplay tips. 
• The kinds of lube Ashley reaches for when she gives a hand job.
• Why a two-handed hand job is game-changing and what the “pepper grinder” is. 
• The importance of feedback during a hand job and some great spots to focus on. 
• Ashley describes her waterfall, bottle rocket, and lemon juicer techniques. 
• Being dynamic and fluid when focusing on your partner’s sexual pleasure. 
• Why Ashley doesn’t only focus on the penis during a hand job.
• Consent for perineum stimulation and preparing for anal stimulation.
• Some position and location suggestions to give your partner a mind-blowing hand job!
• How eye contact can enhance a hand job and how to bring it home.

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Transcript

“AM: I want to do things that you don’t normally do. And so, that looks like two hands. That looks like lube. That looks like getting behind the balls and up the inguinal crease in your inner thigh. And I’ll do some big strokes over the lower abdomen and the pubic mound to start. Work my hands up the inner thighs and then start to do more pinpoint stimulation in the genitals.”

[00:00:29] SJ: Hey, gang. This podcast with hand job expert Ashley Manta will teach you how to give your man the kind of hand job that he will brag to his friends about. In the episode, we cover everything from how to build up and start off your hand job, the exact hand job techniques you should be using on his penis, which lubes to use and why, how to stimulate the most sensitive parts of his penis, how to use dirty talk to amp up the pleasure, and, of course, how to finish off your hand job in style. 

Quick note, we start the podcast talking about Ashley’s background. What she learned about talking dirty as a phone sex operator. Then, at the 9-minute mark, we start talking about how to give a great hand job. I really think you’re going to enjoy this one. 

If you’re not already subscribed to the Bad Girls Bible podcast, you just need to open your podcasts app, search for Bad Girls Bible, and hit that subscribe button so you get the latest episodes delivered straight to you the moment they are released. 

Today, I’m talking to Ashley Manta. She’s an award-winning sex educator and coach. She’s also published a book called Sex: How CBD, and Other Plant Allies Can Improve Your Everyday Life. 

Ashley, thanks so much for coming on the show. 

[00:01:57] AM: Thank you so much for having me. It’s great to be here. 

[00:01:59] SJ: Great. I’d love to start off with a little bit about you, maybe your background and how you came to teach people how to have great sex.

[00:02:10] AM: Absolutely. I got my start when I was still in college. I graduated high school in ’04, college in ’08, and grad school in 2010. Around 2007, towards the end of my undergraduate study, I got very interested in teaching about sexuality actually from a sexual violence prevention perspective. I was a rape crisis counselor, domestic violence crisis counselor, victim advocate. And on my campus, I was the sexual and relationship violence prevention coordinator as part of the women’s center on campus. 

And so, I was doing a lot of what we call primary prevention work of going out and speaking to students about consent, and bystander intervention, and really being thoughtful about other people’s bodily autonomy. And as I worked as a victim advocate in the Philadelphia District Attorney’s Office, I was going to court every day to support victims as they move through the criminal justice process. 

And it was really powerful work. And it was also very high burnout work. And I realized pretty quickly around 2011, 2012 that like this was not a sustainable career focus for me. Being a survivor of sexual violence myself, it was really bringing a lot of stuff up for me. It just was not awesome for my mental health. And so, I was like, “All right. Well, maybe if I take a step back and focus more on sexual health.” 

I worked at Planned Parenthood doing reproductive education, STI awareness, testing, pregnancy tests, like those kinds of things. In clinic, I got to be present for different medical procedures from IUD implantation, to abortions, to all sorts of different things. And that was a really great way to kind of round out my education. 

But, unfortunately, planned parenthood doesn’t get a ton of funding in the United States. Our center closed. And I was still living in Pennsylvania at the time. My partner looked at me and was like, “I don’t have a job right now. You don’t have a job right now. Where should we live?” And I said, “Let’s move to California.” And, thus, we did. We picked up. Drove across the country with our cat and moved to California. 

And I didn’t know anyone. No one knew me. I had only just started to get into the professional community of sexuality educators around 2013 when I started going to conferences. And so, I was like, “Well, how am I going to make money quickly? I know, I’ll become a phone sex operator.” 

[00:04:33] SJ: No way.

[00:04:33] AM: And that was really kind of my entrée into the pleasure side of sex education. Because I had always been a little bit shy about dirty talk. But this was sort of a crash course in sexual improv. And I fleshed out my sexual vocabulary very quickly because you kind of have to when you’ve got people calling you that want various kinds of scenarios to be explicated verbally. And I was like, “Oh, this is fun. I could teach dirty talk. I could teach body confidence.” And that sort of started to morph into like, “Okay, what would it look like for me to teach people how to do sex well?” 

Being informed by my sexual violence prevention background. So very consent-focused. But then, also, let’s bring in the enjoyable things. What makes sex awesome, and connective, and gratifying, and free from shame? And then cannabis around the same time kind of came into my sphere of awareness. I had always had pain with penetration from my earlier traumas. And I found this company that was putting THC into oil and encouraging people with vulvas, women, to put it on their vulvas. And I was like, “Oh, my gosh. This is a game-changer. I’m now able to have penetrative sex without pain. I don’t know any sexuality professionals in 2014 that are talking about sex and cannabis. This could be my niche. And so, it was. 

[00:05:54] SJ: Awesome. That’s amazing. What was it like working as a phone sex operator? 

[00:06:00] AM: It was challenging. And what I mean by challenging, not because I had any judgments about the kinds of things that were requested of me. I was a no-limits phone sex operator. Whatever you want. You want alien sex? You want torture? Whatever. I’m down. Cool. But to be able to be that fluid in whatever someone calls and requests and to be able to pivot really quickly and feeling kind of shy about dirty talk for most of my life, it was like, “Ooh. I really have to kind of find this part of myself that has this vocabulary or can develop this vocabulary.” 

And it was fun though. It was so neat to hear just wide range of things that people were into that they wanted to explore with another person, specifically a stranger. Because that kind of gives you a freedom and an anonymity that allows you to be a lot more open maybe than you might be with a partner who you’re like, “Oh, I have to look at you in the morning.” You know? 

[00:07:03] SJ: If you had to maybe give someone a five-minute crash course on talking dirty to their partner, maybe not to an anonymous person, what would you say to them? Where to start? How to get a bit confident doing it? 

[00:07:20] AM: Because you’re trying to get off as fast as you can so no one catches you, right? Learning how to start to associate pleasure with sound is really the first step to kind of unlocking your voice in a dirty talk capacity. Because if, otherwise, you are completely silent during sex or you maybe make an occasional like “ooh” or “ahh”, it might be really challenging for you to start to articulate. 

And then once you start making sounds, you can add breath. You can slow down. You don’t have to sound like a phone sex operator to do dirty talk well. I’ve distilled dirty talk intentions into one of three main categories. Not exhaustive, but big ones. Seduction, instruction, and feedback. And so, either I am like trying to turn you on. Trying to get you into a really hot head space. I am telling you what I want or what I want to be different. Or I’m telling you this is really working for me. Or this is not working for me. 

[00:08:20] SJ: Okay.

[00:08:21] AM: And those as kind of guide posts. You can make anything sound sexy. You don’t have to have that sexy phone sex voice that’s like really breathy and slow. 

[00:08:31] SJ: So breathy. 

[00:08:32] AM: I know. Right? And I can drop into it really quickly because I got used to doing that. And that was what a lot of people who call phone sex lines want. But your partner may not want that kind of persona. They might just want you saying sexy affirming things. And so, having a conversation. It’s so much about conversations before you even get into the dirty talk itself. What are kinds of words that you like and that turn you on? What are words that you really don’t like? 

I hate the word twat. Just hard no. Nothing about that word is sexy to me. But I like pussy. I like cunt. I even like vulva in some circumstances. Knowing where those landmines are and where the hot buttons are is a really helpful thing when you’re going to start to be talking dirty. But it can be as simple as, “I really love the way that you’re touching me. It feels so good when you kiss me like that. It feels so good to feel your body pressed against mine. I can feel my heart beating really quickly.” You can just narrate what’s happening in your body, and that can be hot.

[00:09:40] SJ: Awesome. Hand jobs. I get emails from folks that maybe they have a sensitive gag reflex. Maybe they have slightly bigger than normal teeth and they struggle to give a blow job. I recommend giving maybe a hand job instead. Are there other types of people or other kinds of situations where you might recommend someone giving a hand job?

[00:10:06] AM: Absolutely. Myself, because this is why I got good at hand jobs, I have a really intense aversion to cum. Any kind of sexual fluids in my mouth is a hard no for me. I get kind of gaggy and icky. And it’s not anybody’s fault. I have slept with hundreds of people at this point. It’s not a one-person, like, “Oh, they just have a bad diet thing.” It’s just the consistency and texture of sexual fluids is not a happy place for my mouth to be. 

I never want someone to interpret that as like I’m not attracted to you. I’m rejecting you. There’s something wrong with you. And so, I’m like, “Okay. What can I do that will be so fucking mind-blowing that you’ll sort of forget that I even have a mouth?” And hands. Hands were the answer. I was like, “Okay.” 

[00:10:50] SJ: Bada-bing-bada-boom.

[00:10:51] AM: Right? Like, “I can do this.” And what I was seeing in porn, in just mainstream kind of interactions with other people is a lot of this propped up on one elbow doing this kind of limp wrist-stroking motion with no real effort, no real intentionality to it. And it always felt like hand jobs were just sort of a stopgap to get you to a blow job, to get you to penetration. It was always something on the way to something else. 

[00:11:22] SJ: Oh, yeah. And then to finish on their face. 

[00:11:23] AM: For sure. And I was like, “Well, what if hand jobs were an entire experience all their own? What if I made it into not just a hand job, but a sensual genital massage?” Complete with a really specific position, and two hands, and lube, and really being thoughtful about like, “How can I be connected with my partner?” Making eye contact. Watching their chest rise and fall. How can I make this into a whole experience and not just me stroking your dick? 

[00:11:57] SJ: Before you even start, maybe you’re a little bit like me. Maybe you have quite calloused hands from bouldering. Are there things you can do, moisturizing, maybe using a pumice stone to work in your hands to make them bit softer and I guess better prepared for a hand job? 

[00:12:15] AM: Absolutely. I am blessed with very soft hands. I do not do hard labor in any capacity in my life. But I always take rings off before I start. I make sure that my nails are filed and cuticles are trimmed. And so, there’s no sharp edges. And a great way to check is to just run your nail along your lip. Because that skin is very similar to genital skin. So it’ll feel the kinds of things that you might feel. 

A really great hack though, other than get manicures, use moisturizer, those are good things to do. But if you’re a laborer, if you’re a carpenter, if you’re working with your hands on a regular basis, there is no amount of pumice stones that is going to make your hands really soft. I would just put gloves on. 

[00:12:58] SJ: Okay.

[00:12:58] AM: They can be very sexy. You can make it like that kind of medical play sort of vibe. And they’re also great because your hands are covered with skin, so they absorb whatever you put on them. When you’re using lube, your skin of your hands will absorb the lube. Whereas if you’re wearing gloves, you’ll get a little bit more bang for your buck with your lube.

[00:13:20] SJ: I get you. So, then, building up maybe, you got your hands nice and moisturized. Maybe you’re wearing a glove. And building up maybe with some foreplay. Are there things you would recommend people try out before you even get to the hand job part to kind of build up the tension?

[00:13:38] AM: Yeah. Absolutely. The position that I like to put the receiving partner in – and when I say hand jobs, a lot of times I’m talking about penises. But I also give a killer pussy massage. And I can apply this to both. I like to put the receiver on their back. Lying down comfortably with a pillow and with their legs spread slightly. And I sit between their legs and put my legs underneath their legs. So I’m sort of like cradling them in my legs. And my legs are out straight underneath theirs. You’re kind of in this diamond position, but you’re sitting and they’re lying. 

I call it a reclining diamond. It is the most comfortable position for both people that I have found. The receiver gets to just relax. They aren’t craning their neck. They get to just be there. And you, as the giver, you’re sitting up. You have an anchor on your legs, so you’re not doing all of the work in your core to hold yourself up. And even if you have lower back stuff or hip things, you can wrap a towel long ways around your back and let your receiver hold the towel so they’re kind of holding you up.

[00:14:45] SJ: Oh, cool. Yeah. I like it.

[00:14:46] AM: Right? And so, that’s like a really just kind of cozy place to get to just starting there. Feel yourselves in those positions. Maybe make some eye contact. If you can reach – I have a rather ample bosom. And so, I have to kind of like spill over my partner’s body. But I’ll reach up and put a hand on their heart or like even just on their abdomen and have them breathe with me to just encourage them to really land and be really present with me. This is what we’re doing. We’re not doing anything else. The world outside can wait. It’s just you and me. As the giver, I am here in service of your pleasure. I want you to tell me what you like. What’s not working for you? Harder. Softer. Faster. Slower. More Lube. And I give a lot of encouragement. Like, “Please, please, give me feedback.” And if you’re not particularly verbal while you’re receiving, that’s cool. Give me a thumbs up or thumbs down. Or point. Whatever you need.

[00:15:44] SJ: Or maybe even show me with your own hands.

[00:15:46] AM: Yeah, show me with your – oh, I love it when they show me with their own hands. Show me how you typically touch yourself. What kinds of – what area you like to focus on? How do the strokes look? And I will try to kind of mimic that back to you. Or maybe like I’ll kind of ride my hand on your hand so I can feel how you’re doing it. But then I also – especially when I am giving a hand job to someone with a penis, how you get yourselves off is almost always in like peak efficiency mode. You know how to get yourself off fast. Right?

[00:16:17] SJ: 100%. Yeah. And it’s a 100% success rate. That’s how good it is. 

[00:16:21] AM: Yeah. 100% success rate. And I am not here to get you off fast. I am here to make you feel as good as you possibly can for as long as possible. And so, while I’ll take some of those, like, “Oh, I like this.” Or, “This area feels especially good.” I will make notes of that. But I’m not going to do it just like that. Because if I was doing it just like you do it, there’s no reason for me to be doing it. You could be doing this. I want to do things that you don’t normally do. 

And so, that looks like two hands. That looks like lube. That looks like getting behind the balls and up the inguinal crease in your inner thigh, and massaging your pubic mound, and really getting all over even into the lower abdomen. I’ll do some big strokes over the lower abdomen and the pubic mound to start. Work my hands up the inner thighs and like just help to get those big muscle groups to start to relax first. And then start to do more pinpoint stimulation in the genitals. 

[00:17:19] SJ: That sounds awesome.

[00:17:20] AM: It’s life-changing.

[00:17:23] SJ: You mentioned lube. Are you always using lube? A lot of lube? Water-based lube? Oil-based lube?” 

[00:17:30] AM: I like oil and silicone for hand jobs, because they tend to have more staying power. Yes. Always lube for me. If I am giving a hand – unless you are allergic to it or you hate the sensation of lube on your body, which I haven’t run into that in real life yet. That’s more theoretical. But I am a lube evangelist. And especially with hand jobs, the friction can feel good a little bit in really deliberate ways. But, otherwise, it can just feel like rug burn. And that’s not a fun sensation on your genitals. 

I would much rather go a kind of more is more approach to lube where it’s like dump it on, continually re-up. And my ninja move with lube is I have a baby bottle warmer next to my bed that I warm up the lube in. So not only you’re getting heated lube that just like, “Aah.” 

[00:18:32] SJ: That’s amazing. You move on then to the hand job itself. Are you using one hand? Two hands? Are you switching it up? 

[00:18:40] AM: I use two hands most of the time. And I’ve had people be like, “Well, okay. What if there’s not enough real estate for two hands?” You don’t need two whole hands. Because they don’t have a lot of stuff going on. I would still use two hands and just use fingers on both hands. Because I want the versatility of being able to go in different directions and of being able to do multiple things at once. I can use one hand. And I have. But that feels like I’m only giving you half of a hand job instead of a full experience. 

[00:19:16] SJ: That’s fair enough. I think I heard you mentioned the pepper grinder in another podcast.

[00:19:21] AM: Yes. 

[00:19:22] SJ: What’s the pepper grinder? What kind of technique is that? 

[00:19:24] AM: Pepper grinder is when your hands are all lubed up and the penis is lubed up, you put your hands around it. I do have a dick right here. Of course, I do. This is actually a double dick. This just came out from Fun Factory. You take the phallus and you twist in opposite directions, like you’re grinding pepper. And you kind of go up the shaft and down the shaft. And you can vary your pressure and speed based on what they like. 

I tend to start with a very slow massage-y kind of pace. And if orgasm or ejaculation is desired and they’re like getting closer and they need a little bit more speed or intensity, they can ask for that. But my longest hand job was 95 minutes. I am not in a hurry here. I am here to make this feel as good as it can for as long as I can. And so, you’re going to get a lot of like slow deep strokes with lots of lube. When I had this video go viral about the pepper grinder, they were like that looks painful. I’m like, “Yeah if you don’t use lube.” 

[00:20:30] SJ: Jesus. Yeah. You’re tearing skin if you don’t use lube.

[00:20:32] AM: Right? 

[00:20:35] SJ: Would you ever maybe give a very light pressure hand job for the entire hand job? 

[00:20:43] AM: Absolutely. It really depends on the person. I treat every person as kind of a blank slate. And so, I actually like to start off light at first and then add pressure as they seem comfortable with it. One of my lovers has the biggest dick I’ve ever seen in real life. It’s massive. And even I fell into this sort of like weird assumption that I was like, “Oh, it’s like a dick that big. You really got to work it.” And he’s like, “No. I really need you to start super light. Ease me into more pressure and more intensity.” And I was like, “Thank you for helping me to break that incorrect assumption.” And now I sort of do that as a default. I start out with more just slow, light, deliberate, but massaging touch. And then as they’re like, “Ooh, that feels good,” I’ll add a little bit more. 

Or I’ll add ask. I’ll actually say, “Do you want more pressure? Do you want me to slow down? Is this feeling great to you? On a scale of 1 to 10, and 10 being like, “Holy fuck. Don’t ever stop. And one being I’d rather be watching Netflix,” Where are we at right now?” “Oh, you’re at a six.” What would make it an eight? What would make it a four?

[00:21:56] SJ: Oh, I like it. You’re getting feedback all the time from your partner. 

[00:21:58] AM: All the time. 

[00:22:00] SJ: And what about then – are there certain sensitive spots on a guy’s penis, on a person’s penis, like the frenulum or something that you’re – some area that you’re focusing on or that you can focus on? Leave? Come back? 

[00:22:13] AM: Yeah. Absolutely. The frenulum, as you mentioned, is a great spot. That tends to be a hotbed of nerve endings, especially for folks who are circumcised. When you’re uncircumcised, you’re dealing with a slightly different canvas. I have started dating more people that are not American and, thus, running into more foreskin in the wild, which excites me to no end. I love foreskin. It’s fantastic. And it comes with a different set of like things that you want to think about. You can’t just like rip the foreskin down. You have to be very delicate as you like kind of un sheath the head. You want to make sure that it’s nice and well-lubed. Because the head of the penis is covered most of the time, it is extra super sensitive in a way that circumcised penises are not nearly as sensitive right on the head. Because they’re flopping around all the time. They’re rubbing against jeans, and boxers, and whatever else. 

And then the frenulum is where the foreskin connects to the penis on the underside. And so, you have a lot more access to it on a circumcised cock than you do on an uncircumcised cock. It’s still a bundle of nerve endings. It’s more covered by the rest of the foreskin. You just kind of have to be aware of the anatomy of the person that you’re playing with. And I love foreskin for hand jobs especially because it’s sort of a built-in masturbation sleeve. You can slide it all the way up and down the shaft. 

[00:23:42] SJ: I never thought of that. Yeah. Yeah. Makes sense.

[00:23:44] AM: It’s magical. I love it. And people with foreskin tend to get a lot more wet than people without. Pre-cum happens in circumcised cocks for a lot of guys. Most guys, arguably. But I’ve found that guys that are uncircumcised tend to get very, very lubricated around the head, under the foreskin. And that actually doesn’t require you to use quite as much lube if you don’t want to. I still do anyway because I just love lube. I’ve had a partner that gets so, so juicy that I could do an entire hand job without lube just based on his sexual fluids alone. 

[00:24:25] SJ: Could you also then maybe use your hands in a train? Kind of starting at the top going down. Using your next hand on top of that again and again and again? 

[00:24:35] AM: I call that the waterfall. Just as you described. You start at the top and go down. Start at the top. Go down. Start at the top. Go down. And then you can also do it from the bottom, which I call the bottle rocket. You start. Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Pull the whole way off. Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Pull the whole way off. Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Pull the whole way off. And when I’m not holding the dildo, because it’s actually attached to a body, you can do it in a more fluid way. 

I also like what I call the lemon juicer, where you take your hand and make kind of a cup. And then you go over the head in this sort of rocking, massaging motion. This can be very intense, especially for people who have a sensitive head or glands of the penis. like to use this move sparingly. I’ll do a couple of swipes like this and watch them like get kind of twitchy, and then back off and do something else. I’m not here to overwhelm you. 

[00:25:31] SJ: You mentioned varying the pressure. Do you also vary the speed? Or you’re just constantly going like a robot? 

[00:25:39] AM: Oh, no. I constantly vary the speed largely based on my partner’s reactions. I look at hand jobs like you are conducting a symphony. If you can imagine a symphony conductor and they’re like, “Okay, a little more drums. Okay, a little bit more – all right. Let’s bring up the strings. All right. I’m liking how that’s moving. Okay. Now let’s bring in some brass.” 

And so, you’re constantly – based on their facial expressions, based on how their body is moving, I’ll be like, “Okay. All right. I want a little bit more of this. All right. Now I’m going to back this off. All right. Now I’m going to try a little bit – okay. That’s working really well. Okay. Let me do this for a little bit. And now, all right, I’m going to transition into that.” 

For me, it’s almost meditative. I am so attuned to my partner’s body, words, expressions, breath that I can really feel into – and also, energetically, I do a lot of kind of tantra and energy sex kind of work. So not only am I responding to your physical body and cues, but I’m also feeling where your energy is moving. And as you start to get like [exhale 00:26:40], I’m like, “All right. Let’s bring you back down a little bit. I don’t want to blow you out. I don’t want you to kind of go into like just complete convulsions where you think you’re having a seizure.” I’ve had that happen. Partners like, “Stop. Stop. Stop. I think I’m having a seizure.” I’m like, “You’re not. And, okay, let’s slow down the intensity for you.” 

[00:26:58] SJ: I think you make a great point that getting feedback from your partner. Not just deciding, “Hey, I learned this new technique. I’m just going to use that.” And the hell with how you actually enjoy it. It’s actually a kind of two-person game really.

[00:27:11] AM: It is absolutely a two-person game. And it’s so important to be able to be dynamic and fluid in your approach to sexual pleasure, especially when you’re focusing on the other person’s pleasure. Because you can’t feel what they feel. You have no way of knowing what’s working for them or not unless you are paying attention to how they’re responding or they’re actually verbally telling you in some capacity. 

But, God, if I were to just sit down and be like, “I’m going to do whatever I want to do to your body and you’re just going to lie there and kind of take it.” It’s not for you at that point. That I’m basically using your body as a way to express my own sexual interests or what I want to try. And that’s fine as long as you’ve negotiated that. 

There’s this really cool concept of Betty Martin’s called The Wheel of Consent. And rather than just yes or no, it goes who’s giving and who’s receiving? And then who’s it for? Is it for me? Or is it for you? And so, I can be receiving sensation, but it’s for you. Because it’s what you want to be doing to me. 

[00:28:15] SJ: Okay. And what’s that called again? 

[00:28:16] AM: Betty Martin. It’s The Wheel of Consent. And so, it’s drawn into four quadrants. And that really helped me to understand. I had a partner once who was like, “I really want to go down on you. That’s fun for me.” And I’m like, “Cool. That’s not my favorite way of receiving stimulation.” But if it’s for you, if you want to enjoy my body in that way, that’s fine. I’m still technically receiving the stimulation, but it’s for him.

[00:28:41] SJ: Okay. I get you. We’ll put that in the show notes so people can have a look. Do you focus almost exclusively on your partner’s penis when you’re giving them a hand job? Or do you also maybe include their balls or their perineum? 

[00:28:59] AM: I would say I focus about 40% to 60% on the penis and the rest on everything else. On the pubic mound, the balls themselves, and also like the root of the cock. I don’t know where my demo dick went. I have one with a cock and balls. But as you are looking at a penis – so like not looking down at your own. But if a penis was sitting in front of me with my partner facing me, as they go down the shaft and then the balls are there, the penis actually goes inside the body a couple of inches. And so, most people ignore the root of the cock. They’re only focused on the external bits that they can see. And I like to take my two knuckles and go down the shaft like this and kind of like into where the balls are and then just dig not in a painful way, but dig and massage my knuckles in like this. And then I’ll go around the balls and behind the – just pretend these are balls. Behind the balls and use the heel of my hand to massage the root of the cock behind the balls as I’m kind of squeezing the root with these two fingers. 

And so, the balls are really just kind of resting on the back of my hand and I’m giving this kind of motion, and squeezing, and massaging that way. And then with this hand, I could be stroking. I could be kind of making this triangle above on the pubic mound and like rocking the whole thing around in a circle. Lots of versatility there.

[00:30:31] SJ: Awesome. I never thought of that before. 

[00:30:34] AM: I know.

[00:30:38] SJ: And so, what about the perineum then? Do you ever – the taint, I guess? 

[00:30:42] SJ: Absolutely. The first thing that I do before I go anywhere near the perineum is I have a conversation with my receiver. And I’m like, “With your kind permission and consent, I’m going to massage around your perineum. If you are not comfortable with me touching your ass, that’s not what we’re doing here. I want you to know that no matter how close I get to it, that’s not where I’m going. So you can relax. You don’t need to be like vigilant, like, “Is she going to stick a finger in unexpectedly?” I’m going to play in this area. And if you don’t like it or if you need something to be different, please tell me.” 

But I like to use kind of the flat of my hand on the perineum and like massage into it. I like to take my thumbs and massage like this. I like to do it with the heel of my hand. Because you are indirectly stimulating the prostate when you’re playing with the perineum. But especially for people that are a little bit more butt shy, I want them to be completely clear that if we were doing butt stuff, that would require a whole other set of preparations and conversations. And that is not something I will ever surprise you with. Please relax and know that I will be in that area and I will not be touching your asshole. 

[00:31:50] SJ: And what about then – would you have that same conversation if you were going to put some maybe pressure with your fingers on their anus, anilingus working their prostate? 

[00:32:01] AM: Yeah. That would still be something that would take a slightly different kind of preparation. Because the ass is always the final destination. If I’m giving you a hand job and I’m playing with your ass even externally, if I’m touching your butthole and then I touch your penis, you now have booty cooties on your dick. 

And so, if we’re going to play after, if we’re going to have penetrative sex afterward, there needs to be a cleaning situation. You need to be really aware of that. Or like if I’m going to be licking your ass like I want to make sure that like my mouth is clean. That you’ve recently like done some whatever hygiene things need to be done. Maybe we’re using like a barrier of some kind, like a dental dam or some kind of like a latex. There are these cool things called Lorals that are like wearable latex underwear for anybody that you can use as just like a barrier between your tongue and their holes. 

[00:32:58] SJ: That’s a bit like a dental dam, I guess?

[00:33:01] AM: It is. Except rather than having to hold it in place, you put it on like underwear.

[00:33:06] SJ: You mentioned this I think reclining diamond. Are there other positions maybe if you’re into kind of more dominant and submissive play? Maybe having the partner with the penis kneeling while you give them a hand job. Do you have any other kind of positions you could recommend that might make it fun or just change things up? 

[00:33:27] AM: Oh, absolutely. For sure. Having the receiver on their hands and knees, especially if you’re doing power dynamics can be a great one. It does feel like more of a submissive position on your hands and knees. But it doesn’t have to be. And intention matters. If you’re like, “Hey, I just want to try this as like a way of accessing different parts of you.” Because you do have – when they’re on their hands and knees, you can kind of do one hand stroking the cock and one hand behind the balls like kind of reaching around behind their legs. You do have a little bit more versatility in access from that position. 

And if you want to make it a submissive thing, you absolutely can. You can have them with a butt plug-in. You can have them – lots of different options there. But you can also just have them either like on their hands kind of braced in that tabletop position. Or you can have them maybe with their knees on the floor bent over a chair, or a couch, or the edge of the bed, so like their upper body is supported. But they’re still kind of on their knees with their ass up and out. That’s a great position. 

I also like a side-by-side. That’s harder to do with two hands. But if I am in the big spoon position and my partner’s in front of me, I could be reaching around and stroking with one hand while I’m maybe rubbing their head. Or like have one hand kind of under their neck. That other hand is tricky when you’re lying on your side. But you can do the reach around.

[00:34:52] SJ: Trying to make sure you don’t fall asleep and then your arm falls asleep and you wake up and – oh, yeah. Pins and needles. 

[00:35:01] AM: You could also do a thing where like you, as the giver, are sitting in a chair and your partner’s standing in front of you. Or in the shower. They’re standing and you’re sitting on the floor of the shower or something like that. Or kneeling on the floor in front of them. That’s a great option as well.

[00:35:14] SJ: And then I guess the bedroom is a kind of natural place for this. Maybe you’re sitting on the couch. Are there other locations that it can be fun? Maybe sitting in a car but then – 

[00:35:25] AM: Sitting in a car. I keep lube in my purse just for that reason in case I need to give a hand job on the fly. As we’re driving. As we’re parked somewhere. I now live in Santa Cruz. And so, redwoods are right here. And like go on a hike. Have some lube with you and tuck into the trunk of a redwood tree and do a little handy in the forest. Those are all great options. It depends on how exhibitionist you are. Although, the caveat to that, especially if you’re going to be doing anything in public, is like other people did not consent to seeing you giving a hand job, to seeing somebody’s genitals. Being really thoughtful about, “Okay. If we’re going to do this, let’s do it in a bathroom stall, or in a changing room, or at least somewhere that public but you have privacy.” Unless you’re at a place like a sex club. One of my favorite sex clubs in Toronto is called Oasis Aqualounge. And they encourage public play. That’s a great place if you’re like really wanting to be witnessed in your awesomeness. You could go to a place like that where it’s acceptable. 

[00:36:28] SJ: Do you then incorporate eye contact when you’re, say, giving a hand job? Are you looking at your partner the entire time in the eyes? Is it absolutely necessary? Maybe if there’s someone who’s not so confident, would you have advice for them? Sorry. 50 questions – 

[00:36:45] AM: No. It’s okay. I can cover eye contact. That’s easy. I would say there are no hard and fast rules, pun intended, other than please use lube for hand jobs. If you are somebody who likes making eye contact, your partner likes receiving eye contact, then do eye contact. Sometimes they want to have their eyes closed or to be able to stare at the ceiling and kind of be in their own heads. That’s fine too. 

I’ve developed an ability, and it’s going to sound so weird when I say it out loud, but I can sort of see through my fingertips, especially when my eyes are closed. Much in the way that someone who is vision impaired can start to develop that sense of touching and being able to get a picture of what they’re touching in their heads. 

[00:37:26] SJ: Oh, I got you. 

[00:37:27] AM: I found that to be the case for me. And so, I can do that both like when I’m focusing on something else, I can still do it. But I can also do it with my eyes closed. And so, whatever you need to feel comfortable and safe for both the giver and the receiver is fine. If one person wants to be wearing a blindfold, that’s great. If you want to be making hardcore eye contact the whole time, like, “I’m just right here,” cool. If you need to be looking at what you’re doing because you don’t have that kind of sixth sense of the anatomy through touch yet, cool. Do what you need to do. Focus your attention where it’s most helpful and beneficial for you and everyone involved. 

But checking in. If one person’s like, “I feel so connected to you when you make eye contact with me.” And you’re like, “I’m really shy about eye contact. I’m neurodivergent. Eye contact really trips me out.” Having those conversations I think ahead of time can be helpful of like what are some kinds of things that you need or might need to be accommodated just to set yourselves up for success. 

[00:38:31] SJ: I mean, that all makes perfect sense. I think sometimes people in their heads, it becomes this big thing. And then they’re, “Oh, should be making more eye contact. Is that too much? I don’t know.” I guess as what is talking about, just going with what feels natural in the moment I think can help. 

Coming up towards the end of the hand job, your partner is – you can kind of sense maybe that they are about to orgasm. Are you still changing up the speed? Still surprising them? Are you working at a consistent speed as they’re about to reach orgasm? 

[00:39:07] AM: That depends on, one, my mood. Sometimes I’ll be like, “Oh, you’re getting close? Oh, what if I just backed way off? I know how badly you wanted to cum, but not yet. I don’t think I’m ready for you to cum yet. I can be a little like devious.

[00:39:26] SJ: Sassy.

[00:39:26] AM: Sassy. Yes. And then sometimes, we’re both kind of ready to be done. Depending on how well I know the person, I’ll be like, “Okay, are we ready to move into finishing mode? If that’s what you want. Okay, what’s most likely to get you there?” Usually, by then, I’ll have a pretty solid sense of like these are the finishing moves and the typical pace that they tend to. I catalog that in my brain. Not everybody does. Not everybody remembers that way. Not everybody pays attention that much. So if you say, “Hey, if you want to come in for a landing, what’s going to be the most effective way to do that?” And then just do the thing. If they’re like, “I need you to stroke just the head consistently and squeeze.” 

One of my lovers that I just saw last week is like so good at giving really clear instructions when he’s about to cum. He’ll be like, “Okay, speed up. Okay, now squeeze a little bit harder. Yep. Just like that. Okay. And then faster. Yep, that speed. Keep that going.” And he’ll just coach me right through it. And I’ll feel, because I can feel him energetically as well, physically what his body does when he starts to cum. There’s a twitch. There’s a breath. There’s a kind of twist. And then I’m like, “Oh.” And then there it is. 

And then I like to have a hand towel within grabbing distance. I think that just makes for ease of cleanup to have something nearby to be able to wipe your hands off, wipe them off. If you’re a real bougie pro, have like a towel warmer next to your lube warmer that you can kind of do like at the spa. Make sure it’s not boiling hot when it comes out. But a nice warm, moist towel to kind of wrap up the experience. 

[00:41:05] SJ: Like you’re kind of stepping onto an airplane.

[00:41:07] AM: Exactly. Yeah, a little lavender-scented perhaps. 

[00:41:10] SJ: Yeah. And so, as they cum, are you still stroking? Or do you slow down? Or, again, are you looking – 

[00:41:17] AM: Everybody’s different. Some people want you to be maintaining that same consistent cadence through the orgasm. Some people, they have the first shot and then they’re like, “Okay. Now it’s really sensitive. So keep going, but slow it down.” And like back it off. Kind of ease it back down. 

Some people are like they just punish their dicks as they’re coming. And it’s like, “Cool.” I can do whatever is best for you. But everybody’s got their own kind of – for me, when I’m orgasming from like clitoral stimulation, I want you to keep going, keep going, keep going until I start to come. And then I need you to slow down and go way lighter. Because, otherwise, it’s too much. It becomes that kind of over-stimulation sensation. And that’s not where I want somebody to be as I’m giving. That’s when I’m especially attuned to them. Where if their face starts to make that almost a cringe, but not like – you can just tell there’s a little bit of discomfort in some direction. I ease way back. 

And sometimes I’ll just like hold my hand still and squeeze a little bit until they’re kind of down. And then I’ll be like, “Are you ready for me to take my hand away? Do you want me to keep my hand here? Do you want me to rub your cum into my tits?” Where are we going from here? 

[00:42:33] SJ: Speaking of that then, do you maybe have a discussed question beforehand about where to finish? Face? Breasts? Into a towel? Onto their body?

[00:42:43] AM: Yeah. Where does the cum go I think is a really good conversation to have on the front end. I mean, like I said, I have a rather gifted voluptuous set of tits. If I’m already – like my hands are here, my tits are here, it’s very easy to just – right there. Kind of on your abdomen or somewhere in that vicinity. I’ve also had guys shoot so hard that they hit the wall behind them. They hit themselves in the face. With my cum aversion, generally, I don’t want it in my mouth at all. But my face is still very close to my mouth. Here down is where you’re aiming. 

[00:43:21] SJ: Awesome. I think that covers everything on how to give a great hand job, Ashley. 

[00:43:26] AM: Wonderful.

[00:43:28] SJ: Thanks so much for coming on the podcast. If people want to get in touch with you, maybe get more advice, find out more about you, what’s the best way for them to do that? 

[00:43:36] AM: Well, first of all, thank you so much for having me. This was such a fun conversation. I’ve had a blast.

[00:43:40] SJ: Absolutely.

[00:43:40] AM: You can find me on Instagram or my website. I have monthly live Zoom workshops that I do. I do in-person workshops. I also have some pre-recorded workshops. I have a dirty talk class. I have like a PDF pleasure playbook. And I have – it’s called the Skillful Lover Bundle, which is like my hand job class, my pussy massage class, my butt stuff class all wrapped into one little package. 

And then I do coaching with either individuals or couples. And so, if you’re really looking for some very specific advice or guidance, whether it’s for techniques or you’re running into conflict in your relationship, you’re opening your relationship, you’re ending your relationship, whatever that looks like, I love working with folks one-on-one. 

[00:44:35] SJ: Awesome. Ashley, thanks so much for coming on the show.

[00:44:38] AM: Thank you. 

[OUTRO]

[00:44:41] SJ: One last thing before you go, if you want to hear more podcasts just like this one, open your podcast app, search for Bad Girls Bible, and hit that subscribe button.

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