#53 3 Orgasm Blockers & The Importance Of Sexual Chemistry With Dr. Tara

So many people have trouble reaching orgasm and aren’t experiencing true pleasure during sex. Today on The Bad Girls Bible podcast, sexual and relational communication professor Dr. Tara joins us to discuss the three main blockers of orgasms and why sexual chemistry is so important! In this conversation, you’ll hear all about Dr. Tara’s conservative background, what led her to the USA, why she became a professor of relational and sexual communication, body neutrality, sexual empowerment, Tara’s podcast, textbook, and the TV show she is in, and so much more! We delve into the three main reasons women struggle to orgasm before Tara shares her thoughts on the success of relationships with no sex or chemistry and how she helps her clients solve these issues. From attraction, to boundaries, to saying no, to the best positions for clitoral stimulation, to the use of vibrators, this episode has it all! We even discuss how same-sex schools affect sexuality in adulthood. Finally, our guest tells us all about what praise kink is.

Key Points From This Episode

• An introduction to today’s guest, Dr. Tara. 
• Tara’s background and how she became a professor of relational and sexual communication. 
• Why Tara loves the concept of body neutrality instead of body positivity. 
• How sexual empowerment can solve the issue of women faking orgasms and hiding it. 
• Tara tells us about her textbook and podcast and how she ended up on Celebs Go Dating. 
• The three main reasons women struggle to orgasm: physical, psychological, and relational. 
• Why Tara believes you cannot have a successful, happy, long-term relationship without sex. 
• How scent contributes to sexual chemistry and why it doesn’t ever lie to us. 
• Tara’s advice for what to do when in a sexless relationship with no chemistry. 
• The different categories of attraction and how it can be developed. 
• Why breaching boundaries is so detrimental in a relationship. 
• The importance of chemistry and why it cannot be built from nothing. 
• Tara speaks about the differences between spontaneous and responsive desire. 
• Why saying no is so liberating.
• The best, easiest positions for clitoral stimulation.
• Why men are generally so insecure about using vibrators and sex toys. 
• What praise kink is and how a couple can explore it. 

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Transcript

“TS: I explained to them what long-term sexual satisfaction looks like based on evidence, based on research. Almost all of the couples that own sex toys reported significantly higher sexual satisfaction than couples that do not own sex toys. What do you say to that? Do you want to be a part of the couples that are miserable and refuse to use sex toys? Or do you want to come to the fun side?”

[INTRODUCTION]

[0:00:35] SJ: This is The Bad Girls Bible Podcast. I’m your host, Sean Jameson, and this is the place where I interview experts, and professionals, and everyone in between to teach you how to dramatically improve your relationships and have more enjoyable sex more often. If you’re not already subscribed to The Bad Girls Bible Podcast, you just need to open your podcast app, search for Bad Girls Bible, and hit that subscribe button, so you get the latest episodes delivered straight to you the moment they are released. 

[INTERVIEW]

[0:01:07] SJ: Today I’m talking to Dr. Tara. She’s a tenured professor of relational sexual communication and quantitative research at California State University, Fullerton. She’s also the sex expert the TV show, Celebs Go Dating, and the host of her own podcast, Luvbites by Dr. Tara, where she helps listeners to explore their sexuality and enhance their relationships. Dr. Tara, thanks so much for coming on the show.

[0:01:35] TS: Yay. Hi, Sean. Are you having an orgasmic day?

[0:01:39] SJ: I am. We talked a little bit beforehand. You said it’s a bit gloomy where you are, but it’s a bit gloomy where I am too. But otherwise. pretty good day.

[0:01:47] TS: I feel like gloomy is like good sex weather though, right? It’s like cuddly –

[0:01:52] SJ: Snuggling under the duvets.

[0:01:53] TS: Yes.

[0:01:54] SJ: Yes. Yes. 100%. 

[0:01:57] TS: Awesome. I’m so excited to be here.

[0:01:59] SJ: Same. I’m so excited to have you. Could you tell our listeners maybe a little bit about yourself, your background, and how you became a professor of relational and sexual communication.

[0:02:10] TS: Yes. I love the name Bad Girls Bible, because I really, like deep down. There’s like bad girl in all of us. Whenever we embrace it, I feel like it’s even more empowering. A little bit about my background, I’m originally from Bangkok, Thailand, and I grew up in Thai culture. It’s very conservative, my family’s very religious, Buddhist religious. I grew up actually going to an all-girls Catholic school.

[0:02:40] SJ: I went to an all-boys Catholic school. As an Irish person, that’s –

[0:02:43] TS: Oh, really? You have a lot of suppressed sexual identity.

[0:02:48] SJ: Maybe we both do.

[0:02:49] TS: Yes, I think so.

[0:02:49] SJ: Maybe it’s part of the –

[0:02:51] TS: I think so. I like telling the story because I want people to understand how I grew up. People often assume that I grew up with very open-minded environment, and people like nurture my sexuality, and answer my questions, and those things. But it couldn’t be further from the truth, I grew up in a very, I would say, sexually oppressive environment. There were good things about my school, and like, of course, my parents, I idolized them. At the same time, they did their best with what was given. I grew up feeling very ashamed whenever I have this sense of sexual curiosity. I remember when I was 11, I would use the bidet. Because in Thailand, we have handheld bidets, extra long.

[0:03:43] SJ: That’s so much nicer than –

[0:03:45] TS: I know. I don’t know like the Western world doesn’t have bidets. 

[0:03:49] SJ: Seriously.

[0:03:51] TS: Yes. I came to America for school, and ended up staying, and now, I’m an American citizen. But when I first came here, I always thought like, “How do people wipe their asses? Do they just use toilet paper dry, then just leave it on their ass.” I don’t know.

[0:04:08] SJ: It’s kind of funny. I can say as like, the first time I rented an apartment with a bidet, I decided like, “Hey, I’ll just give it a go” and it was just life-changing. Unfortunately, in the apartment I’m in now, no bidet.

[0:04:20] TS: No bidet. Well, it’s just so much cleaner. Also, people that love like anal sex, it’s so much easier. So, yes, I grew up with a handheld a day. I remember being like young, and hitting puberty, and using the bidet, like extra-long, because it felt good. I obviously didn’t know if it was sexual or not. I didn’t know the clitoris, but it felt good. I have always been a very sexually curious teenager, but have always tried to suppress it so that I don’t come off as sex crazy, or a bad girl, or someone that my parents would be ashamed of. That’s kind of the setting of where I grew up.

Fast forward to high school, I actually went to high school in Finland. That was the first time that I saw people being naked and they’re not ashamed about it. Because in Finland, people get naked and go into saunas all the time. They go into saunas –

[0:05:21] SJ: It’s weird to be wearing underwear or swimwear in the sauna.

[0:05:24] TS: It is so weird. Yes. It’s so weird if you wear clothes in the saunas. For them, it wasn’t like – you know how in America, especially in the last 10 years, there’s this push towards extreme body positivity, celebration of all bodies. I like the meaning, but I don’t like the attempt. I think it feels very fake and corporate. But people in Finland, they weren’t like that, it was body neutrality. That’s what I really like.

[0:05:59] SJ: It’s just was what it was.

[0:06:02] TS: Yes, like, fuck it. It’s a naked body, nobody cares.

[0:06:06] SJ: Yes. I know what you mean.

[0:06:06] TS: I find that so liberating. Even now, I tried to use that philosophy rather than like, “Oh my God, I’m celebrating my body every day.” Like someday, I don’t feel too great in my body, and I think that’s so common for us all women. So, celebrating just feels fake. But neutrality, like, I’m grateful for what my body does, that works for me and I think it works for a lot of women I talked to.

I got that idea from Finland, when I went to school there because people really didn’t care. They got naked, they went into saunas, they ran into the lake, and swam the lake. So, I started learning just core ideas about nudity, about not feeling ashamed of your body, or nakedness, and explore sexually more in high school. I was still within the realm of like, “Oh, whenever I have sex, I should feel ashamed because this is not my married partner. I’m basically just giving myself away like all the time.” I was doing it but definitely didn’t feel good. Also, now, looking back, that prevented me from having an orgasm until I was 30. Throughout my twenties, I had sex with so many people and faked so many orgasms. A lot of women will resonate with this, because there’s so many of us that are still faking an orgasm and we feel too ashamed to share it. We don’t want to talk about it. We want our relationship to seem perfect. So yes, that’s definitely a big issue.

[0:07:52] SJ: What do you think is the solution there?

[0:07:55] TS: Sexual empowerment. Yes. The solution to the inability to orgasm or even to embrace pleasure overall is sexual empowerment. When we feel comfortable in our bodies, when we feel empowered to talk to our partners about our sexual preferences, then, we will almost like unlock it in our bodies to let go and to speak up ourselves. Then, the orgasms just come. They just come. So yes, like after high school, I started having small changes in my perspectives. Then, I came to America and I did all my graduate schooling here. Two years for my master’s degree, I studied intercultural relationships, like people from different cultures building relationships

Then, in my Ph.D. program, which was four years, in Arizona, I studied in a personal and relational communication, basically how people interact in relationships, and what were some effective communication strategies for long-term relationships. I was, I think, in my mid-twenties when I published my first paper in an academic journal, and I was so proud of myself. Because someone from Thailand, I didn’t speak fluent English, I didn’t write fluent English.

[0:09:17] SJ: Academic language, that’s insane.

[0:09:20] TS: Yes, and writing and submitting to a peer-reviewed journal. All of those things were crazy scary at the time. The first paper I published was actually on effective communication strategies for long-distance relationships. I’ve always been someone that likes studies what I was personally into. At that time, I was in a long-distance relationship, and I know it was kind of failing. I’m like, “Oh, I want to interview people, and I want to study what are some effective strategies for people who are in successful long-distance relationships.” That was my first dip, like my toe into academia, and the world of relationship and sex research. Fast forward to when I finished my Ph.D., I landed my dream job as a tenure-track professor at Cal State University. I was stoked because I wanted to live in LA like I’ve always loved Los Angeles. I watch movies, TVs and which is like –

[0:10:19] SJ: It’s for Irish people as well. You see Baywatch, things like that and you’re like, “That’s the way I want to live.”

[0:10:26] TS: Yes, The O.C. Have you ever seen that show?

[0:10:28] SJ: Of course. Welcome to The O.C., bitch. Yes, of course.

[0:10:33] TS: Yes. Even like Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

[0:10:37] SJ: Well, I don’t I don’t watch that. No.

[0:10:40] TS: Come on, Sean. Yes, you do. Clips, maybe clips or memes. Yes, I definitely –

[0:10:46] SJ: I do know this Vanderpump through some –

[0:10:47] TS: Yes, she’s on it. She’s on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Yes. It’s just when you’re a foreigner – you’re from England, right?

[0:10:57] SJ: Ireland.

[0:10:58] TS: Ireland, beautiful. I’m going to be there this summer too. So, we should connect. 

[0:11:02] SJ: Awesome. Yes, we should catch up.

[0:11:04] TS: Yes. At that time, there were only a few jobs available. When you’re an academic, and you’re in your last year of your Ph.D. program, what you do is you’re now in a job market, and you try to land as many interviews as possible at universities. Universities are – comparing to like corporate world, there’s not a lot of jobs, there’s not a lot of positions each year for each field of studies. In our year, there were a couple of jobs, and I got like almost all of them. I felt very grateful, and I could just decide where I wanted to go. Of course, I wanted to go live in LA, so I came to Cal State University, Fullerton, which is in Orange County, but I decided to live in LA and do the commute.

With my job at Cal State Fullerton, my bosses, like the department chair, my dean, we’re all very open-minded to different ideas. That’s how I actually got started teaching my class sexual communication, as well as writing a textbook. It’s the very first textbook of its kind, called Sexual Communication: Research in Action. It’s full-on, comprehensive textbook on research within the realm of sexual communication, starting from the very beginning, which is your sexual debut, and what that entails, to like the end of life, being older, and aging in sex, and what that means.

With my job, I’m able to teach thousands of students positive sex education, write a textbook. I started my podcast to talk more about sex and to normalize conversations about sex. With all of the media attention, like all the followers on social media, over two million people, it just attracted TV producers. That’s how I landed my sexpert position on Celebs Go Dating, which is a TV show in the UK. It’s just been such a dream journey to live my truth, to speak up for what I think it’s right, and it’s pleasure. Pleasure is our birthright, and to do this every single day.

[0:13:23] SJ: That sounds awesome. It’s also sounds very serendipitous that it’s just – you just happen to find this fun job.

[0:13:31] TS: Yes, I just happen to find this fun job. Considering a girl from Catholic school that used to go to the temple three times a week with her parents, who pray, and to meditate to Buddha, and wear long sleeves, and long skirts that cover her knees. To go to Catholic school and pray to Mary. It’s so crazy that this is what I do now.

[0:13:52] SJ: I love to start off with the first question. We’ve already kind of touched on it a little bit. It’s, why do some women struggle to orgasm, maybe when they’re masturbating, but also during sex? Could we talk about the causes? The main causes that you see.

[0:14:08] TS: Yes. Research found that there are three buckets of causes when it comes to the inability to orgasm amongst females. The very first one that I recommend all of my clients and fans and followers to first like get that checked out is physical causes. There are people who have a vaginismus. There are other symptoms of deeper issues that are physical issues that you really should take care of and get checked on.

[0:14:40] SJ: Something like diabetes may be causing nerve damage.

[0:14:43] TS: So many different physical issues contribute to the inability to orgasm, yes. Definitely seeing your gynecologist, and talking about the inability to orgasm, or if it hurts, if it hurts when you have sex, if it hurts when you masturbate. Some people say it hurts when they use clitoral stimulation like their clit hurts. Although that’s not super common, it does happen. That’s why, the very first thing is to check with your gyno, and get all of the physical issues out of the way.

It’s hard enough to not orgasm from psychological, and mental, and emotional situations. Throw in a physical barrier too, there’s no way. There’s no way to experience pleasure. The very first factor is physical, and that’s to get regular checkups and check-ins with your gyno. The second factor that’s studied pretty extensively is the psychological and mental factors. That can be from various things from stress, like chronic stress, from the inability to relax from sexual trauma or abuse, from relationship trauma and trust issues.

There’s a lot of things that are psychological and mental that can contribute to a woman unable to relax, feel her body, and experience orgasm. Sometimes it’s not something they know. Maybe it was something that happened when they were children. Without investigating, let’s say with a therapist, or a counselor, perhaps it doesn’t come up.

[0:16:29] SJ: It’s kind of repressed, you don’t even know that you don’t know.

[0:16:31] TS: Yeah, it’s like deeply repressed. I have worked on that with both women and men. I would say, there’s also a lot of men that were molested by other male figures when they were young. For them, that’s even more shameful to come forward, and to admit because of how taboo that is, right? Obviously, any kind of molestation is extremely horrible and taboo.

[0:17:05] SJ: Terrific, yes. 

[0:17:05] TS: But with men, there’s this extra layer of shame. If you have partners, male partners that have gone through something like that, they need a lot of understanding, empathy, and helping them through these difficulties. Maybe going to therapy together or something like that. That’s the second factor that a lot of women or people can’t orgasm.

Then, the last factor, I always think of it as a relational issue. There are people who are with partners that they are not attracted to. That’s just the –

[0:17:46] SJ: They’re great on paper.

[0:17:49] TS: Yes, great on paper, and they’re not attracted to them physically, or chemistry-wise, like there’s no chemistry. It’s hard to explain when we talk about chemistry, but when you know, you know. Like when you are with a person, and you’re breathing in their scent, or kissing them, or you can kind of feel like, “Oh, wow. We’re jiving so well” or “I don’t even like kissing this person, even though they’re so good on paper.”

[0:18:15] SJ: It’s that anticipation. “Oh, here comes the kiss, I guess I should kiss him back.”

[0:18:19] TS: Yes. You know, I was in a relationship like that, so I know exactly how it feels. It’s hard because you’re living in this dichotomy of, “Do I stay in this very good relationship, very stable, very good, he takes care of me, everything is going well, ‘everything’s going well.’ But we don’t have sex, or I’m not attracted to him, or we don’t have that chemistry.” Is that okay? It depends on who you ask.

I have talked to so many more traditional, a little bit more old-school sex and relationship coaches, matchmakers, and even therapists that say, “That’s okay. You don’t have to be in a long-term relationship where there is sexual chemistry. You can have a successful, happy, long-term relationship without sex.” I completely disagree. I respect all of these people. Some of them are my mentors. I respect all of them, I respect their perspective. But I’ve been married before in my twenties, in a relationship that I didn’t have sexual chemistry with the person.

Now, I’m in my second marriage with someone that I’m obsessed with and I love his scent. I love kissing him, I love being touched by him. Even after years of being together, I still feel the same way. I like the scent. To me, the scent doesn’t lie because that’s where like our animalistic, carnal human senses that have been tucked away due to like this very overbuilt, oversaturated, overstimulated world. I think we can still trust our scent as humans that like, that doesn’t lie. 

To me, the chemistry that I have with him that I will have forever is amazing. It’s crazy amazing compared to my previous marriage. I always tell people that are like, “Yes, but I’m already married, just trying to make it work.” I’m like, “I respect that, and if that’s your goal, let’s work on that. Let’s work on making it work within the parameters that is given.” For example, not having chemistry. 

[0:20:31] SJ: It’s a personal preference, or maybe personal circumstances kind of thing.

[0:20:34] TS: It really is. It really is. Yes. That’s why I respect all decisions, because I know it’s hard not feel supported, whatever you decide. I have seen many clients that their friends and families chastise them for the decision that they make, whether or not they get a divorce, or they stay. There’s no winning. So, just personal preference. 

[0:20:56] SJ: It’s this thing where, of course, we all want to think we make our own decisions. But whether it’s sort of like direct and implicit, or direct or implicit, there’s always pressure from the outside, that’s going to shape your decision.

[0:21:11] TS: Especially if you’re from cultures that parents and family play a big role in how you date and how you live your life, it was a lot. For me being Thai, and in my culture, you never get a divorce. It’s extremely taboo to get a divorce. As a woman, your role is to be a good wife, and to try to make it work as much as possible. I feel like I did. I really tried. We saw counselors, and I really tried to make it work. But at the end of the day, I think, me upholding my standard of what it’s like to live a fulfilling life, and that includes sexual chemistry with my husband, I had to leave. That was like, I would say, the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my whole life because our relationship was so stable. It was just a nice relationship. There was not really any big issue.

[0:22:06] SJ: Which makes you question yourself.

[0:22:08] TS: Even worse. It’s even way harder, but you’re complicit. If you stay, and you’re not extremely happy, but you’re fine. Like, do you stay? Because you’re fine.

[0:22:19] SJ: Well, what about couples in that situation, would it be a good idea to maybe open the relationship and stay for these other reasons, but not kind of stay together for sexual reasons or attraction reasons?

[0:22:34] TS: Right. I actually have seen quite a few couples in my practice that have kids don’t want to leave their living situation because they want to provide stable home environment for their children, that stay together because they’re good friends. But they have their own arrangements for sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Until the kids become teenagers, and they can understand the world a little bit more, they kind of want to just keep it like that. I respect that. I know a lot of people judge them, but I respect that and I give them safe space to talk about it, to tell me about their other sexual partners, and be excited for them. They just love that because there’s no one in their lives that will accept them the way they are and what they have decided to do.

For me, every single person is entitled to what is right for them. If you’re in a relationship that you don’t have any sexual chemistry with your partner, it’s your prerogative to decide if you want to do. I guess there’s only three options. One is stay that way in a monogamous relationship and readjust your expectations. Maybe that includes more masturbation, maybe that includes finding other hobbies, and passions to pursue, but you got to kind of with what you have. Yes, there are so many activities you can do to spice things up, but you don’t even have the foundation. This is not the person you want to spice things up with.

[0:24:08] SJ: Yes, it’s like adding a bunch of chili sauce to water.

[0:24:12] TS: Yes. It’s like, “Oh, let’s put on lingerie.” How does that help if I’m not attracted to this person? To me, it’s stupid, whenever I read these articles about spicing things up. The very foundation is attraction. If you don’t have attraction, it’s really hard to try to have sex, it’s almost like forced.

[0:24:30] SJ: Do you think though, when there’s no attraction, there’s grayish friendship, respect, love, none kind of attraction, love. Do you think you can develop it after the fact? After you have all these things, there was never really a spar. Can it be developed?

[0:24:49] TS: I think so. I’ve seen it. Attraction, there’s different categories of attraction. There’s physical attraction, there’s personality attraction, and then there’s task attraction. Task is like intelligence, capability, success, money. If you as a person, increase these categories for yourself, become more physically attractive, whatever way it is: exercise, grooming, tanning, whatever. Then, personality wise, become more of an engaged listener, maybe more humorous, maybe pursue your passion so that your personality is more dynamic. Then, the task is maybe finding a job you really love, and really live in the world of turning on every day, for your job, doing what you love. Or maybe, accomplishing more goals, like go at it even harder, hustle, make more money, whatever task-related, capability-related things are that you can do. Maybe try those things. When you up your attractiveness by all these categories, perhaps your spouse is like, “Whoa, who the fuck I’m married to?”

[0:25:59] SJ: Damn.

[0:26:00] TS: Yes. Then, they grow this attraction 100%. You know, here’s a juicy T that I’m going to tell you.

[0:26:08] SJ: Go on. Go on.

[0:26:09] TS: There are a couple of spouses that I saw that like, when one person starts improving their attractiveness in all of these categories, they hit a point where they’re like, “Oh, but now, I desire someone else.”

[0:26:25] SJ: Oh, yes. I see what you mean. I’ve leveled up.

[0:26:28] TS: Yes. I’ve seen that. It’s double-edged sword. When you start taking care of yourself in every aspect, maybe you get to a point where, “Hmm, I think I’ve outgrown my spouse, or my partner.”

[0:26:42] SJ: [Inaudible 0:26:42]

[0:26:42] TS: I’ve seen that too, yes. But I’ve also seen people falling back in love again, and having attraction again. So, it is all possible. I think, at the end of the day, it is your prerogative to choose what’s right for you. But the first option is, basically, you stay in that monogamous relationship. The second option is you open up your relationship. But this is not an easy task at all. I have seen multiple failed open relationships, and people who come to me that were like, “I want to be in a monogamous relationship. I’ve heard about it when you –” because I was on like the sun, first page saying, “I’m in a monogamous marriage with my husband” or “Sex coach states, monogamous works best” or something along that line. which I did not say.

[0:27:28] SJ: It’s problem when you’re relying on other people.

[0:27:31] TS: Yes.

[0:27:32] SJ: Sorry about that. 

[0:27:34] TS: No, that’s okay. That’s thing, is people come in like, “Oh my God. Okay. We haven’t had sparks for years, we’re ready to open it up, and try something else.” I’m like, “I don’t know if that’s a good reason to do that.” Usually, people who are in open relationships that are happy, they have thought about it a lot, and they have read about it a lot. They actually enter a relationship that way, they’ve talked about it prior. 

[0:28:02] SJ: Okay. That sounds maybe better that you’re both getting into relationship for the same reason.

[0:28:08] TS: But it doesn’t mean you can’t. I have seen couples that were in a monogamous relationship, and then transition into monogamish, or open, or even like a throuple. I have seen people who have done that successfully. The only skill that distinguishes them from these other people that were in failed open relationships were their communication skills, extremely talented in communicating and speaking up. It’s communicating their boundaries, communicating when they feel bad, communicating jealousy, communicating trying something else. They’re just so good at communicating that whatever comes their way, they just kind of work it out through communication, and that’s the main skill.

[0:28:52] SJ: Communication, but you also mentioned boundaries there. Because, I guess, you can talk about anything, about any aspect of an open relationship. But I guess, setting, and I don’t want to sound too strict, or anything. But enforcing boundaries, I guess, is also an aspect.

[0:29:09] TS: A breach of boundaries is a killer of trust. If you ever try to, let’s say, go to a sex club, where you communicate it in advance. Like okay, tonight, we’re not going to play with anyone, we’re going to go observe, we’re going to make out, and we’re going to make it our night. Maybe we have sex there at the party, or maybe we come home and have sex. But tonight is just about watching, and having a good time, and vibing with other sex-positive people. But I’ve seen couples that have that boundary went to the party, one person did something.

[0:29:45] SJ: Got a little excited.

[0:29:48] TS: Yes, got a little excited, maybe was pulled to another couple, or another group, or person offering, asking if they can kiss them. They think it’s fine because they look over to their partner, and I kind of tried to get nonverbal signals, and the partner is not really saying anything. So they’re like, “Oh, maybe it’s fine.” Then, they did it.

[0:30:07] SJ: I mean, the partner is just so shocked by everything.

[0:30:09] TS: Yes, so shocked. So, they did it, and then that literally broke the trust for a long time. After that, a couple that I saw, they didn’t try anything for months because she’s like, “No, we talked about this, that we’re not going to literally touch anyone else, and then, you kiss someone.” Yes, there’s just a lot of communication that goes into that. So, anyone listening that are interested in exploring open relationship of any type, there’s a lot of types. A monogamous relationship, or poly, throuple, whatever it is, or even swinging. I highly recommend reaching out to a coach near you, or in your country that can help you navigate these conversations and the boundaries. It’s so much easier that way.

I had a coach back in the day, so it helped me a lot. It helped me also built this like confidence in communicating my own boundaries. So yes, if you don’t have chemistry with your partner, you can either stay in a relationship, you can try to open it up in a mindful way, or you leave. The third option is, you have to leave, you break up, or get a divorce, because sometimes that’s not salvageable. It’s not something you can get back if you’ve never had it. That’s my situation back when I was in my twenties, when I was married, is I exhausted every other option.

[0:31:36] SJ: Was that a long process from the realization?

[0:31:40] TS: It’s really sad because I was quiet quitting, and that’s a phenomenon where research found that, before people actually speak a word of breaking up or getting a divorce, they were mentally quitting six to 12 months prior. So, quiet quitting is real. Lots of people have experienced it. They have this thought like six months ago, and now, they’re breaking up. So yes, I was quiet quitting like a year prior. But then, I’m trying to be optimistic, and trying different activities to see if anything comes back, traveling the world, throwing in new excitement and novelty. It just, it didn’t work, because we just never had the foundation. We never were super sexual, or have that kind of passion and chemistry. It’s okay, we’re friends, and we have a good friendship.

At the end of the day, after I left my first marriage, and kind of just started dating around, I changed completely. Now, the first thing I need in a relationship before other things, is chemistry. Because I just know I can build it. The other thing is like emotional intimacy, and even financial stability, what something that I thought was needed. Like, first thing is, I must marry a man that has money. That will used to be the first thing, it was like check a paper, like boxes. 

After my first marriage, my list completely changed. Financial stability, these like other accolades, and other things, like owning a property, like all of that is at the bottom. Because to me, all of that can be built. I was on an upward trajectory of my career. Even that, like I can support this person. But for me, the most important thing that I learned in my previous relationship that you can never get unless it was there is chemistry. For me. when I was back dating again, that’s what I wanted. Like truly, I was craving that. 

[0:33:44] SJ: It’s just good that you realized that. But also, then would it be true then, maybe for other people, a personal preference thing that it could be for someone else, financial stability could be on top? Or, it could just be general communication, being a best friend? It’s not necessarily for everyone, but it is for a lot of people.

[0:34:05] TS: Yes. I’m telling this story just to share with you that there’s a variety of stories out there, of what people prefer, of what they seek for. I would say, the moral of my story is, it’s your prerogative. Your power is in your hands, and you can do whatever the fuck you want with your life. You can design however you want it to be, without conforming to the norms. If I had conformed to my cultural norm, I would have still be in that marriage, trying my best to be a good wife, and to not cry every day because we just didn’t have it.

Now, with my current life and the ability to be myself in my relationship currently has changed me completely. The reason why I think my business is so successful is through authenticity. There’s so many sex coaches, or relationship therapists, or counselors that are not in good relationships, and they don’t live their truth.

[0:35:13] SJ: It’s like an irony, it’s like a nutritionist that’s overweight or –

[0:35:17] TS: Yes. It’s like having a chaotic therapist whom like, “I don’t want that” I only want to be mentored or listen to the people that live the kind of life that I aspire to have. So, why would I lie and live in that life back in the day? The reason why I think my social media and my business is so successful now, even with short amount of time that I’ve been in the media industry talking about sex, is because I live my truth. If you audit my life, you will see I’m always authentic and sincere about what I do and how I do things.

Even with my partner, whenever we have sex issues, I talk about it. I share with other people like, “Yes, I’m a sex expert, but here are some issues we have.” I think it’s so refreshing for people to see like, “Oh, okay. This is the coach that I can trust because it’s someone that lives the kind of life that I aspire to have.”

[0:36:16] SJ: Absolutely. We talked about orgasm, the kind of causes, the main buckets of reasons for people struggling to orgasm, physical, psychological. Then, there’s this sort of emotional –

[0:36:30] TS: Relational, yes.

[0:36:31] SJ: – relational issue. I think, I’ve asked a lot of the other guests on the podcast to talk a little bit about the difference between responsive and spontaneous desire. Because I think it’s a good maybe framework to understand what helps for different people, what helps for different women to get aroused and to feel desire. Could you speak a little bit about that, the differences between responsive and spontaneous desire?

[0:36:59] TS: Yes. Spontaneous desire is this desire system where people can get the sexual desire and arousal just spontaneously? Some people, very few people, particularly women are like that, or have that system. Most women in research have responsive sexual desire, which is where they gain desire and arousal through starting, like someone starting something that they find arousing. Then, they build their desire that way in response to stimulations. The stimulations can be so many different things. It can be literally like physical stimulation. Your partner giving you a massage, hugging, kissing. But it can also be like. your partner is washing dishes, and like. “Oh, damn. Okay.”

[0:37:49] SJ: Chopping wood.

[0:37:51] TS: Yes. Chopping wood, whatever it is, it’s stimulating you, and you’re responding to it, your body is responding to it, your mind is responding to it. You get hornier and hornier responding to stimulations. That’s responsive sexual desire. There is an understanding that there’s a lot more men that have spontaneous sexual desire, a lot more women that have responsive sexual desire. At the end of the day, it’s kind of like, what can we do to come to the middle, and still enjoy sexual connection? There’s a lot of men that complain like, “Oh, my wife doesn’t have sex with me anymore.” But, are there other things that you can do to create the stimulations in order for her to respond to, to feel hornier, to want to have sex with you? Are there things that you can do to aid that situation?

Then, for women also, taking pleasure into their own hands, and figuring out what our stimulations for them that they can do. Maybe, it’s relaxing, maybe it’s going into a bath. Then, you know, start touching your nipples, start touching your pubic area. Maybe that will help you become more responsive. Maybe it’s sexual meditation. Maybe it’s breathwork. There’s all kinds of things you can do.

[0:39:10] SJ: Then, also, communicating that to each other, especially as a guy, many guys like you said have this spontaneous desire, they’re just ready to go. Then, they’re confused, “Oh, I don’t get it. How come my partner, my wife isn’t ready to go?” But equally, she may be confused also that, “Hey, I might need more time. I need this kind of, not necessarily a specific set of steps, but some type of foreplay, maybe relaxation.”

[0:39:39] TS: One hundred percent.

[0:39:40] SJ: Absolutely, yes.

[0:39:42] TS: Even last night, my partner and I were having sex, and of course, men have spontaneous sexual desire. We were fooling around at first, we were kissing, touching, caressing. Then, he was like, “Can I put it in?” “No. No. Can you get my vibrator?” He’s like, “Oh, yes, yes.” So, he grabbed the vibrator, he grabbed the loo massaging, playing with my pubic area, playing with my clitoris, using the vibrator. Then, yes, okay, now I’m warmed up. Okay. Let’s go. 

A lot of women may not have that confidence or assertiveness to say, “No.” To be like, “I need more before we have penetration or before we move on.” I remember in my twenties, like whenever I dated a person – I’m bisexual, so I’ve dated men and women, but I’m a people pleaser. So, every time someone wants to do something sexual, I’m just kind of agreeing to it in order to make them happy. Yes, that’s why I went a long time without an orgasm, because I was a people pleaser, and I’m not caring about myself, and I only care about whether or not they are happy if they like me. That was a big issue that I overcame working with my life coach, is not becoming – like speaking up for myself, standing up for myself, and quit being a people pleaser, which is liberating, so fucking liberating. Saying no is amazing.

[0:41:07] SJ: But so important as well.

[0:41:11] TS: I think it’s like top three skills that I’ve acquired in the last five years that really have pushing my life upward and forward.

[0:41:21] SJ: It’s such a good point you make, because maybe you find normally for you, sex is painful. And maybe that’s because you’re not aroused enough, you’re not turned on enough. Sure, lube can help. But if your partner just knew this, and if you could communicate to your partner that, “Hey, maybe if we could have a bit more of what I need, everything would be a lot better for both of us.”

[0:41:44] TS: Yes. Yes. My main subject that I teach in the university is sexual communication. Everything that I do, it revolves communicating, and feeling confident, and empowered. I just think that there is no good sex life without these factors, without communicating, without feeling confident, without feeling comfortable in your skin.

[0:42:12] SJ: Absolutely. Going in a slightly different direction. During sex, a lot of women they need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. Vaginal stimulation, it’s not enough for a lot of women. Do you have any recommendations for positions they can try or that their partner listening can suggest to them?

[0:42:33] TS: Yes. The two very easy positions that I think are great for clitoral stimulation is first is, doggy but with a vibrator on your clit. So, maybe doggy on the bed or standing doggy, but then you use one hand and you put a vibrator on your clitoris, or maybe you use the hands-free vibrators.

[0:42:55] SJ: Or maybe your partner uses –

[0:42:56] TS: They don’t work that well. Yes, or if your partner uses a vibrator on you, whatever it is, there is a vibrator on the clit while you take it from behind. It’s always a fun position, I think, and reliably producing orgasms, at least in my opinion of my friends that I recommend this position to. Another position is lifted missionary. Having a pillow under her butt, and then she like lifts up her pelvic area, so that when you penetrate, there’s like more of stimulation on the clitoris. These are very easy positions. They’re kind of OG positions, but you add like flair to it, that everyone should try.

[0:43:38] SJ: One question about the vibrator. Why are some guys so insecure about their partner using a vibrator, especially during sex?

[0:43:48] TS: Yes. In research, we found that for the men that reported disliking vibrators, it’s because in their belief, pleasure that a female experience should be provided by their partner, their male partner, or their spouse. If the female is able to gain pleasure elsewhere, then the spouse or the male partner is not doing his job, is not the manly man.

[0:44:23] SJ: It’s true.

[0:44:26] TS: Yes, it’s not the manly man that can provide her with this.

[0:44:30] SJ: With everything. with everything.

[0:44:31] TS: Pleasure and everything, yes. So, there is this belief that they have. So, they’re not necessarily bad people. I know that there’s a lot of trash on straight men on the Internet nowadays, and I think it’s a bad path. I think trashing straight men or calling them out for whatever toxic behaviors, like I think is good at a certain level, like calling out for them to be held accountable, I think that’s good. But there are some pages where it’s just angry people trashing men, and I don’t think that’s helpful at all. I think, helping them understand and see the light and come to the other side, the better side, the more pleasurable, the more fun side is better.

For me, whenever I teach men that are misguided, like men that leave me misogynistic comments, or men that have sexist ideas, or comments whenever I teach in a class. If a dude says something that’s obviously so dumb, and misguided, rather than trashing them, I explain to them what long-term sexual satisfaction looks like based on evidence, based on research. Almost all of the couples that own sex toys report at significantly higher sexual satisfaction than couples that do not own sex toys. What do you say to that? Do you want to be a part of the couples that are miserable and you refuse to use sex toys? Or do you want to come to the fun side, embrace change, and see how it feels?

[0:46:07] SJ: That’s it, it’s kind of clear once you look at the evidence.

[0:46:11] TS: Yes, it’s clear, right?

[0:46:14] SJ: Let’s look at the evidence and get over your own ego, I guess.

[0:46:18] TS: Sometimes, it takes a while. I think sometimes, it takes them maturing and going through seasons of life in order to get it. Because I have dated guys in my early twenties, like in college, that have said things like that. I think it’s usually younger guys before they learn the truth about the world.

[0:46:40] SJ: Yes. I mean, to be honest, I would have felt a bit that way myself. I love to blame it all on all-boys Catholic boarding school, whatever it is, yes. I think it’s not a great belief to have and –

[0:46:55] TS: All-boys school sounds like a lot of testosterones and a lot of competition.

[0:47:00] SJ: Yes, it was, yes. It’s just funny, I think – I don’t know. I sometimes wonder just kind of off topic, this single-sex schools. It just doesn’t reflect society as a whole, so I don’t know how it prepares you to deal with the other sex.

[0:47:20] TS: It doesn’t. It doesn’t.

[0:47:24] SJ: That’s right, yes.

[0:47:24] TS: If anything, it takes us way longer to work on our repression. But, you know, we’re here now, talking about sex on a podcast. I think, we’ve been working on it.

[0:47:36] SJ: I hope so. Praise kink. Can you talk a little bit about what that is, and maybe a little bit how couples can explore?

[0:47:45] TS: Yes. This is where a person gets extremely aroused by receiving praises. It can be praises about anything from physical characteristics from what they’re doing, like if they’re doing something really good from their personality, or their energy. So, you can compliment them or giving them praises on anything. Usually, the person who has praise kink will get quite sexually aroused from those compliments. For people who are new to praise kinks, I would first have a conversation with your partner on like, “What can I say that really arouse you?” Because, some people have very specific things that when they hear, they’re just like, “Oh, that’s so hot.” But some are like open to kind of any general praises. So, have a conversation first. That way, you can use your communication or dirty talk more effectively.

[0:48:43] SJ: I think that’s about it for the podcast. Dr. Tara, thanks so much for coming on the show. If people would like to find more out about you, or get in touch with you, what’s the best way to do that?

[0:48:55] TS: Yes, my website is Luv Bites. All my information are on there. Dr. Tara Sex Academy is on there, and my Instagram and Tik Tok are also.

[0:49:12] SJ: Awesome. Thanks for coming on the show.

[0:49:15] TS: Thank you for having me. Bye.

[OUTRO]

[0:49:17] SJ: One last thing before you go. If you want to hear more podcasts just like this one, open your podcast app, search for Bad Girls Bible, and hit the subscribe button.

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