5 Ways To Build Passionate Sexual Chemistry That Lasts

In this guide below, you’ll learn what sexual chemistry is, the 3 clear signs of sexual chemistry, and 5 ways to build sexual chemistry with your partner.

What Is Sexual Chemistry?

Sexual chemistry can be mysterious and has multiple definitions, depending on who you talk to…

The desire for sex – Some people define it as the same as the desire to have sex with someone or the feeling of mutual sexual attraction.

Related: Watch for these 11 signs of sexual attraction to see how bad your partner wants you.

Sexual compatibility – Others see it as more about sexual compatibility. For them, sexual chemistry is a mutual thing.

It’s not just about you wanting to jump someone’s bones but them wanting to jump yours–and both of you being aware of those facts.

What the scientific research says – Even researchers struggle to nail it down exactly, with one paper describing it as

…nonspecific, subjective description of a mysterious, physical, emotional and sexual state that feels driven and mostly pleasurable existing in the context of an interpersonal relationship… [1]

What the hell does that even mean?

Pretty much that you’ll know it when you see it. Fortunately, we’ve got plenty of examples of sexual chemistry in movies and TV shows. Titanic, New Girl, Fleabag, and Pride & Prejudice are all examples.

Physical feelings in your body – You can usually feel sexual chemistry in your body, from nervousness to excitement and everything in between. If you’ve ever caught someone’s gaze across the bar and just couldn’t. look. away, then you’ve experienced sexual chemistry! Similarly, a kiss that sends tingles through your body could be loaded with chemistry while one that leaves you feeling nothing lacks it.

Primal feelings – For some, sexual chemistry might be something primal that just happens. We don’t know exactly what causes intense sexual chemistry with someone. It could be due to pheromones or some chemical attraction we don’t exactly experience consciously.

Chemistry can be based on your attraction, what you’ve been taught you should be attracted to, and even if someone reminds you of someone or something that you associate with sexuality or is even comforting on some level [2]. Some people might think of this as a “spark.” It may not always be possible to build sexual chemistry in those cases.

Depending on how you personally view sexual chemistry, you may not be willing to date or sleep with someone if you don’t notice it immediately. That makes sexual chemistry pretty important!

But if you’re more flexible and willing to try to build it, a lack of sexual chemistry, at least at first, doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker.

In fact, chemistry may not be immediately apparent if you’re demisexual, where you only feel sexually attracted to someone after you’ve developed a close emotional bond with them.

What About Sexual Tension?

Chemistry and tension can be pretty closely related. Depending on your definition of sexual chemistry, tension may be an entirely separate concept; they may overlap quite a bit, or you might always experience both together.

Sexual tension happens when you anticipate being sexual with someone, usually when you can’t act on it. This type of tension may happen naturally if you meet someone and have sexual chemistry but don’t have the opportunity to do anything about it. This sometimes happens at work.

You may also be able to create sexual tension with your partner–and may need to if things have become a bit stale in the bedroom–through anticipation or even teasing your partner.

Go in-depth: 8 ways to build sexual tension.

How Important is Sex Chemistry?

Like most things, it depends. You’re not alone if you think that chemistry is important for great sex–even more important than an orgasm. Some people find that chemistry is just one component of great sex [2]. Others see it as a nice bonus.

A quick note before we go any further. Sexual chemistry might make for a great time in bed.

However…

Sexual chemistry alone is not enough to build a whole relationship on. So don’t let yourself get caught up in something with no future just because of intense sexual attraction.

In a bit, we’ll teach you how you can build intense sexual chemistry.

3 Signs of Sexual Chemistry

Pay attention to ensure you don’t miss these signs you’ve got sexual chemistry so you can take advantage of it (if you want to).

1. Sexual Attraction

Sexual attraction is a surefire sign of sexual chemistry and can include:

• Being aroused by someone. 11 tips for getting horny.
• Thinking about them when you masturbate. 14 powerful masturbation techniques for women.
• Wanting to have sex with them
• Enjoying sex with a person. How to deeply enjoy sex.
• Being distracted by sexual thoughts of someone

2. Sexual Tension

Another sign of sexual chemistry is tension. This is generally a good type of tension because you both feel it. You’re a little anxious but mostly excited (and aroused). Your heart might race or you may feel butterflies in your stomach. You might feel arousal building in your genitals.

If/when you finally act on it, you might see fireworks! That’s one of the benefits of sexual tension.

3. Mutual Sexual Chemistry Signs

If you want to know if someone feels the same as you, look for:

• Lingering gazes
• Mirrored body language. How to read your partner’s body language.
• Touching
• Flirting – How to tell if a guy is flirting with you.

Any, hey, you can always ask! If you’re pretty sure, you could go with something like “Do you feel what I feel?” to gauge someone’s interest and shared chemistry.

Plus, you can do these things to show your interest in someone else.

7 Signs of a Lack of Sexual Chemistry

If there’s no sexual chemistry, you won’t notice the signs above and might feel ambivalent or a bit “blah” about someone. But you might also actively feel or experience other things, including:

1. Never thinking about someone
2. Being turned off by someone, which might mean feeling the “ick” or your skin crawling
3. Loving your partner but not being in love with them
4. Noticing the magic is gone
5. An inability to become aroused when thinking about them
6. Not being able to put them into your sexual fantasies
7. Feeling like something is missing, boring, or wrong… even if they’re a perfectly nice person or “good on paper”

Now, let’s learn how to build it!

How to Build Sexual Chemistry – 5 Ways

If there are any sparks between you, you can likely improve your sexual chemistry. And if you had good sexual chemistry but it’s taken a dip, there’s hope for you, too!

1. Stay Curious

Don’t assume you know everything about this person or that they’re just like the people you’ve slept with in the past. Use your previous experiences as a foundation, but assume there’s something unique about everyone.. and make a point to discover it!

Remember that pleasure is more than just orgasm, so find out what makes them feel good, even if it doesn’t make them cum.

Learning what someone likes to do in bed can help build strong sexual chemistry, especially if you can find an overlap between your interests. Create an atmosphere where your partner feels free to talk about their sexual fantasies (this guide to sexual communication can help).

Staying curious about sex also means that it’s less likely that you’ll find yourself bored and in a rut. While exploring partners might mean you discover something about yourself, you should make a point to learn more about what turns you on and makes you feel good. You could start with this guide to masturbating in the shower or reading some hot sex stories.

And don’t forget to share your findings with your partner!

2. Let Go

Feeling free to do, say, or ask for what you want is important if you want to give sexual chemistry a chance.

Not being able to let go may make it hard to build intense sexual chemistry because you often need to be your true self and be vulnerable to feel it. If you’re too worried about what you feel or sound like or whether someone likes you–or sex with you–you’ll find it nearly impossible to truly let go. The same goes if you’re hung up on whether what you or your partner likes is weird or not acceptable by society.

Similarly, if you find it hard to let go with someone you don’t trust, you might have trouble building that chemistry during casual sex or one-night stands. That’s pretty common and totally normal. A lot of people need trust to truly let go.

Trust doesn’t have to mean a serious or long relationship, either. It may simply mean that you know your partner enough to trust them enough to let go for the evening. Using a safe word, especially during kinkier sex activities or rougher sex, might help you let go.

3. Visualize It

One way to develop sexual chemistry is to visualize it. Imagine yourself in a sexual scenario with this person. Envision yourself as sexy and desirable. You can take a few liberties, but it should stay rooted in reality.

4. Find Your Roles

Finding your roles doesn’t have to mean role play, either. You can lean into your natural personalities and desires. For example, if you have a more dominant personality and your partner is more submissive, you might take charge during sex. You can ask your partner to worship your body to feel like a goddess. Or if you’re less experienced, let your partner guide you.

Learn: How to become more dominant during sex or how to explore your submissive side.

Of course, if you want to play roles, perhaps with costumes, lines and props, feel free! You can even check out some 42 ideas for role playing.

5. Use Time and Space Smartly

Finally, use your situation wisely. The time you spend apart, whether it’s while you’re at school or work across town, living separately, or in a long-distance relationship can actually help to build sex chemistry!

A sultry kiss before saying goodbye in the morning or a sexy text can build sexual chemistry and tension that sizzles all day until you can finally get together. And if you’re separated by more than a few hours or miles, you might find that the sexual chemistry is intense by default whenever or not you can see each other.

Of course, it may be difficult to build sexual chemistry if you or your partner is distracted or stressed.

As we mentioned before, the answer to “Can sexual chemistry develop over time?” may be “No” for some people. But this might not be the case with every partner or in every situation.

Should You Look for Sexual Connection, Instead?

If you follow the advice above, you might find yourself with amazing sexual chemistry. However, if you try our advice and can’t muster any signs of sexual chemistry, you might be going at things from the wrong angle.

Instead of trying to build good sexual chemistry, you may be better off looking for it, to begin with.

What does this mean?

Look for people who are into–or at least willing to try–the same type of sexual activities that you like, whether that’s slow sex or BDSM.

Related: 35 BDSM role play ideas & scenarios for wild sex.

Focus on those who value sex in the same way as you do. Relationships where both people either really prioritize sex or don’t at all typically are easier than ones with differences in libidos.

Choose partners who feel similarly about protection and communication as you do.

And, of course, opt for those with whom you share a mutual attraction. After all, some people naturally fit together better than others.

By doing this, you’ll need to spend less time establishing strong sexual chemistry and can simply work on making it even stronger, instead!

Now that you know how to build sexual chemistry, you can potentially improve your sex life or increase your dating pool. And with this understanding of sexual connection, some of you might realize that you need something that has to exist naturally and cannot be built. Either way, you’re set to better understand yourself and your partner and harness the power of electric chemistry in bed!