11 Friends With Benefits Rules To Make It Work

Do you know the golden rule for friends with benefits relationships? The one rule that prevents drama, misunderstandings, and ensures you have great sex? The single rule that is vastly more important than any of the other 11 FWB rules? Let me explain it…

1. The Golden Rule Of Friends With Benefits Relationships

Friends with benefits relationships are complicated because you are trying to balance two opposing forces:

1. Maintaining an intense connection – You want to maintain that spark and attraction that drew you together in the first place, creating passionate lust for each other 😉
2. Preventing an intense connection – If your connection is too strong and too intense, one of you will “catch feelings,” fall in love, and want a traditional relationship…which is poison to your FWB situation.

But how can you balance these two opposite forces?

You need to follow the golden rule:

Build lust, not love.

Building lust will keep the sexual chemistry sky high while…

Avoiding love will prevent either of you from getting too attached

How do you apply the golden rule to your friends with benefits situation?

• If one partner is catching feelings or wants a relationship or is falling in love – You need to strictly enforce the other friends with benefits rules to prevent either of you from falling in love or wanting a relationship. I explain these other rules below.
• If the spark/passion/lust is fading – You need to work on getting it back, with more sexual tension and better sex (31 tips for giving women the best sex & 23 tips for giving men great sex).
• If everything is going as you hoped – It sounds like you are already applying the golden rule, building lust, not love. Great work, there’s no need to change anything!

Speaking of better sex…

2. Great Sex Is Vital

There is no point in having a FWB relationship if the sex is lousy, so this needs to be one of your FWB rules. Here’s how to make it abso-fucking-lutely incredible:

• Master oral sex, whether eating pussy or giving a great blow job
• Figure out the best sex positions that make her orgasm, whether they are female dominant positions, bondage positions or even these anal sex positions
• Talk dirty during sex, using these 64 dirty talk examples
• Use foreplay that builds sexual tension
• Have freaky sex and explore squirting
• If you are both into it, try having rougher sex or explore dominance and submission during sex
• There are tons more ideas throughout the Bad Girls Bible to have great sex

Having good sex with your friends with benefits requires great sexual communication, openness to trying new kinky things in bed, and having fun.

Once you are having wild sex, you need to follow the next 8 friends with benefits rules to ensure neither of you gets too attached…

3. Have Clear Boundaries

A great way to destroy your friends with benefits situation is to have no boundaries.

Friends with benefits relationships require clear boundaries to prevent either of you from becoming too emotionally attached.

What kind of boundaries should you consider?

• How often should you meet up?
• Do you only meet to have sex, not to “just hang out” or date?
• Do you need FWB texting rules, such as: texting only to arrange a date, not to catch up or share memes?
• Should you avoid sharing intimate feelings?
• Do friends with benefits kiss?
• Will there be sleeping over?
• Do you avoid cuddling? 19 great cuddling positions
• Should you keep it strictly private or share your FWB situation with friends?
• Can you sleep with other people?
• etc

Discussing these boundaries with your friend with benefits puts you both on the same page, although it can feel a bit awkward to put rules on a relationship that just started.

There are some nuances to keep in mind when setting boundaries and rules at the start of your friends with benefits relationship:

Don’t be a robot – Following my suggested boundaries strictly and not adapting them to your own friends with benefits situation will kill the vibe between both of you. It will turn sex into a passionless, cold transaction.

When strict boundaries are a good idea – Hardcore, strict boundaries are only required when there is an intense connection, and you are both worried about getting too attached or catching feelings.

Decide on your boundaries together – Don’t just impose these boundaries on your partner like you’re a school principal, lecturing a student on the dos and don’ts of casual sex. Get their input and work together to figure out your boundaries together.

Check in and discuss your boundaries from time to time – As your friends with benefits relationship progresses, you may need to update some of your boundaries. Perhaps, you’ll find that:

• Kissing intensifies sex without you getting attached.
• Sending each other long, filthy sex messages and naughty sex stories is the best way to create sexual tension.
• Meeting once a month is ideal for preserving the mystery. Or maybe three times a week is better. You can only learn this through experience and talking about it.
• etc

4. Don’t lie to yourself

This FWB rule goes for both you and your partner.

One reason two people get into a friends with benefits situation is this:

• You: You want no-strings-attached sex
• Your partner: They are madly in love with you and will accept any relationship (even a FWB) just to be closer to you, or they hope that it will lead to a regular romantic relationship

In this situation, your partner is lying to themself and to you. They are pretending to want a friends with benefits relationship when they really don’t. They want all of you.

If you find yourself in a one-sided friends with benefits situation like this, run.

It never ends well.

It ends with hurt feelings, anger, and resentment.

The same is true if you ask to be friends with benefits, but you really want more. Be honest with yourself and resist the temptation to try to force a relationship to happen.

Great friends with benefits relationships work when both partners want the same thing: amazing sex.

5. Keeping It Secret Keeps It Hot

In friends with benefits rule #3, I briefly mentioned that you should decide whether or not to keep your relationship secret.

Let me tell you something…

Keeping it secret is way hotter.

That’s all I have to say on this point 😉

6. Jealousy Is An Important Sign

If you find yourself getting jealous when your partner mentions other potential love interests, it could be a sign that it’s no longer “just sex” for you.

It could indicate that you are emotionally attached.

There’s nothing wrong with this. My only advice is to listen to these feelings of jealousy and try to decode and understand them.

Are they superficial, or do they have a deeper meaning?

7. Keep Your Feelings To Yourself, Mostly

A friends with benefits relationship is not like a normal relationship.

In a normal romantic relationship, you support each other and discuss things like:

• Misunderstandings
• Hurt feelings
• Troubling things on your mind
• How to ease your partner’s burden
• What is causing you stress and anxiety
• etc

Doing so will bring you closer together, deepening your intimacy and love.

Unfortunately…

Sharing your feelings in a friends with benefits relationship can ruin it. It makes it heavy and deep, leading to that dreaded phrase…

Catching feelings

Instead, you want to keep it mostly light, fun, and free. You’re not there to be each other’s sole support system. You’re there to fuck each other and be friends!

“So you’re saying I should act like a sociopath, disregarding my partner’s feelings and only talking about surface-level topics?”

That would also be weird. Sociopaths are not sexy.

I’m simply saying that you should be aware that sharing too many intimate, deep feelings can lead your FWB relationship to a place you don’t want it to go. Sharing some of these feelings, some of the time, is fine. That’s what friends do, right?

After all…

Friendship is one of the benefits of a friends with benefits situation.

Last point on this:

For some folks, friendship will always come first. If you find sex is getting in the way of your friendship, then you may want to end the “with benefits” part.

8. Make A Friends With Benefits Contract

Ugh…

I wasn’t sure whether to include this or not.

If you both want it, you can create a friends with benefits contract listing:

• Sex acts you’d like to experience
• What you both will and won’t do
• Boundaries
• Responsibilities

The benefit of an agreement like this is that your boundaries are now crystal clear and spelled out. You can always amend it later. If you do it right, it can be fun.

If you get it wrong, it can be a vibe-killer.

Side note: This FWB contract is somewhat similar to creating a BDSM contract.

9. Close Friends Are Usually A Bad Idea

Getting into a FWB relationship with a close friend is a lot more convenient. Heck, you already know what you’re getting. However…

Friends with benefits relationships are often a short-term thing. It’s common for them to last less than a year.

So…

It’s very likely that there will be a breakup. And…

It could be an awkward one.

If you are perfectly comfortable breaking up with someone who is in your friend group, that you’ll have to see whenever you hang out, then go ahead and get into a FWB relationship with them.

On the other hand…

If this kind of situation makes your skin crawl, the solution is simple:

Don’t fuck your friends.

Find a friend with benefits outside of your close circle of friends. This will make the breakup a lot easier to deal with.

10. Logistics

There are some baseline measures you need to take for your friends with benefits relationship:

STI free – Before you get into a FWB relationship, you need to ensure you are disease-free and not at risk of infecting your partner. So, get a comprehensive STI check. Make sure to use condoms and take other necessary precautions before you get your results.

Birth control – A great way to destroy your FWB situation is a pregnancy that neither of you wants. Use birth control.

Open or closed relationship – I briefly mention this in friends with benefits rule #3. You need to discuss and decide together whether you will be in an open or closed relationship. If you choose open, take appropriate measures to stay STI-free.

Speaking of open relationships…

11. See Other People

Seeing other people can prevent you from catching feelings for your current friends with benefits partner.

This FWB rule is not for everyone, but if it works for you (perhaps if you’re into polyamory), having other FWBs can be a powerful tool to keep in your toolbox. Things can get trickier when you add more people to your rotation, however.

And if you want to know how to find friends with benefits to make sure you’re never seeing just one person, dating sites and apps can be a big help.

These are the 11 rules for having a successful friends with benefits relationship. Follow them if you are serious about having fun and having great sex. Above all else, remember the golden rule:

Build lust, not love.