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Your wedding invitations were covered with some corny cliché like, “Today I marry my best friend.” And, you probably really believed it too.
So did everyone else because you were that inseparable couple that everyone envied. Along the way, something went wrong. Today your home is more like a war zone than a honeymoon retreat and you are consumed with one thought, “I hate my husband.”
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No marriage is perfect.
Each one gets bumps and bruises over the years. If these bruises are cared for, your relationship will become stronger. But, if they aren’t tended, those bruises can fester and grow until they crowd out the love that was once there eventually turning it into a toxic relationship.
Feelings of disappointment, frustration, resentment and even hatred can destroy what started out as a beautiful relationship. If you think you hate your husband you need to take a look at the reasons and then formulate a plan to turn it around if you want to save your marriage.
I Think I Hate My Husband. How Did This Happen?
Hating your husband usually isn’t something that happened overnight.
It probably took months or years to build. And it didn’t come out of nowhere. Issues from trivial to traumatic will form the root of your hatred. To start on the road to recovery you’ll need to take a hard, honest look at what’s really going on.
Every relationship is a one-of-a-kind creation. While there are several common problems that can build into hatred, your reasons for hating your husband are uniquely yours. While there may be one main reason, it’s likely that there are several factors that roll into one big mess.
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Financial stress: There’s a reason this one is sitting at the top of the list. It’s one of the most common and most difficult to navigate of all marital issues. With the stress of an expensive wedding, financial woes can start from day one and only get worse when you throw in a mortgage, retirement savings and paying for college for the next generation.
But, it’s not just the big-ticket items that lead to discord. Squabbles over everything from the grocery budget to money spent on beers out with the guys can build up until they explode.
Mismatched sexual desires: You’re tired and he’s frisky. You’re in the mood and he wants to watch football.
Even couples that get it right everything else right can find themselves on different pages in the bedroom. It doesn’t take long for this to snowball. Pretty soon you both feel stressed about sex, which just compounds the issue. Before you know it frustration is spilling out into every area of your life together until you resent and hate your husband.
Learn more in our post about the surprising science of sexual desire.
If you can’t figure out why your man is never turned on, then you may want to learn about some of the things that will turn him. Additionally, you’ll want to avoid these turn-offs.
You married him expecting change: There are many reasons why people get married, but regardless of the reason, you shouldn’t enter into a marriage expecting your partner to change. People do change, of course, and often for the better. You and your husband may be able to help one another grow, but you shouldn’t look at him as a project who needs to change to suit you. If you couldn’t actually live with the man you married, he might become the husband you hate.
Acceptance not only helps your marriage be more successful, it’s important for enacting personal change from your spouse [1].
Inconsiderate behavior: Back when you were newlyweds it was all compliments and loving gestures. Fast forward to snide remarks and inconsiderate behavior that has taken over. Whether he consistently forgets to call when he is going to be late or leaves his dirty dishes sitting around, it all adds up to making you feel overlooked and unloved.
Unequal workloads: Once upon a time, male and female roles within a marriage were clearly defined with the husband earning a paycheck and the wife caring for the home and children. Today, roles blend and merge and everyone needs to pitch in to make the family function. Resentment can build up if one partner feels they are carrying an unfair portion of the weight.
He stopped romancing you: Remember your dating days when he’d show up with flowers and the early days of marriage when he would call mid-day just to remind you that he loves you? In the chaos of building careers, raising children and juggling commitments, romance often gets put on the back burner. But, everyone needs to feel cherished and adored in order to make it through both the ho-hum and truly difficult days that are a natural part of marriage.
If your husband is interested in learning how to make you feel loved again, encourage him to learn about the 5 love languages.
Cheating: Many women name unfaithfulness as one of the unforgivable acts within a marriage. Cheating isn’t limited to physical intimacy (by the way physical intimacy is what the Bad Girls Bible is all about). Emotional cheating can also break the vows you made to each other and can quickly cause you to hate your husband.
Remember that women cheat for similar reasons.
Gambling, drugs, alcohol, or other addictions: Dealing with someone and their compulsive behaviors is an easy way for negative feelings to develop. Your husband might be putting you and your family at risk. He may be spending money on addictions or become dangerous when he’s under the influence. If you’re struggling with addiction and your husband doesn’t want to enable you, you might come to resent him.
Fortunately, there are programs and therapies to help deal with these compulsions as well as support groups. However, the person with the addiction will have to want change and work toward it. If your husband refuses, your marriage might not survive.
If Your Husband Is Abusive Or Dangerous
One reason why you might hate your husband is that he’s emotionally or physically abusive. He may hurt, manipulate, or otherwise mistreat you to the point of abuse. It’s only natural that you would harbor negative feelings to your husband in these cases. What’s more, you may feel conflicted if you still feel a fondness for your husband.
You’re not alone or wrong if you’re in this situation. About 41% of women and 26% of men in the USA have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime [2].
If this is the case, you might be here because you’re seeking resources to help cope with or escape your situation. However, this is often easier said than done even when you know it’s the right thing to do.
You might be worried about your safety or that of your children. You may need to carefully plan how you can leave or even leave without time to plan because your lie is in danger. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Their website also offers information and advice for finding your path to safety. They also have a list of resources for victims and survivors.
The CDC has a section dedicated to information about intimate partner violence [3].
The National Center Against Domestic Violence has a list of other hotlines, including those to help teens, children, and people of color.
You deserve to be safe and have a relationship with someone who values and respects you and does not mistreat you, and there is help available.
How Do I Recover From Hating My Husband?
Once you understand the reasons you hate your husband you can start to work on the relationship and form a plan to regain your love. Don’t assume there will be a quick fix. It took time for attraction to grow into love and time for resentment to transform into hatred.
Likewise, it will take time to repair the relationship. Along the way, there will be set backs, confused emotions and frustrations. If you truly hope to repair your relationship and stop hating your husband, you will have to make a commitment to hard work.
Decide to be happy: One of the most powerful ways you can change your relationship is to simply decide to be happy. Yes, this does sound a bit like hippie-happy-clappy bullcrap, but it truly is a decision that you should spend your time focusing on.
By making a decision to be happy you take your focus off the things that are wrong and put it on the things that are right. This shift in perspective frees you to see his side of the situation and to choose to act differently. No matter what else you do to turn your relationship around deciding to be happy is the essential first step.
Act like you love him: Surely you’ve heard the phrase, “fake it ‘til you make it.”
The cliché doesn’t just get tossed around because it rhymes (though that doesn’t hurt). It actually works. Acting like you adore your husband may promote real feelings of love. So, put on a show, tell him you love him, do sweet things for him, and brag about him to everyone else. Pretty soon you might find you aren’t pretending anymore. Not only that, but your man may start to notice how well you treat him too.
And, if your problems start in the bedroom, this tactic works especially well on that front. You can turn a lack of desire around by ramping up physical intimacy, even if you aren’t feeling the lust at first. You may start to notice that acting turned on, actually turns you on. These foreplay tips should help 🙂
See a therapist: Whether it’s as a referee, a mediator or a relationship advisor, sometimes a professional set of eyes on the relationship is called for. A therapist can help you dig up the root causes of your problems and find new solutions.
You or your husband might be hesitant to seek a therapist or counselor, but it might provide you a safe place to discuss your issues and help you learn the skills to enact necessary change in your marriage so you won’t hate your husband anymore [4]. Therapy can teach you to communicate better, resolve conflict, state your needs, and set boundaries.
Therapy sessions can have long lasting positive results for some couples, years after the sessions have ended [5].
Obviously, couples therapy is the best bet for solving the issues between the two of you but, if he won’t go with you, start the process on your own. One-on-one therapy can help you sort out your emotions and identify your options.
Consider your own issues: Sometimes people think that they are unhappy with their marriages or even hate their husbands, but they’re really projecting. They need to deal with their own issues, which might mean coming to terms with unrealistic expectations, seeking help for anxiety or depression, or determining why you always self-sabotage. Therapy can be helpful to identify and deal with your issues and to repair your relationship if that’s what you desire.
When it comes to depression specifically, your positive feelings may become dull, and you may not feel like you love your husband anymore. This apathy doesn’t mean you hate him, however, and it doesn’t have to be permanent.
Talk about it: The cliché, “there are two sides to every story,” isn’t just a trite expression. Neither of you can know what the other is thinking and feeling if you aren’t communicating. Of course, you shouldn’t come out and say, “I hate my husband,” when you first meet a therapist but you can initiate a calm conversation about the underlying issues.
From work stress and financial concerns, there may be reasons for actions and behaviors that you are unaware of. It may take many conversations over the course of months, but communication may be the path from hating your husband to recovering the lost loving feelings.
Compromise: The first step in moving beyond hating your husband might be a step towards the middle.
Relationships are all about give and take, so even if you don’t feel you are in the wrong it’s a good idea to find a way to compromise. If he isn’t on board, make the first move yourself. Once he sees you working toward a solution, he may be inspired to do the same.
An important thing to do is to consider your partner’s point of view. It’s easy to blame someone else for the issues in your relationship, but consider how your husband might think and how what you do makes him think. Putting yourself in his shoes and practicing empathy might help you be a better wife.
Counseling can help you address common issues like a lack of empathy towards your spouse, sweating the small stuff and understanding the difference between truly listening to your partner as opposed to simply waiting for them to finish so you can respond.
Spend more time together: Remember when you were a kid and hid under your bed to avoid getting it trouble? While running away seems like an easy way out of a situation in which you hate your husband, avoiding him won’t fix anything. Sadly, trial separations are a popular answer when things start to get bad.
But, in reality with more space between you and your husband, you may find it harder to fix things. So you may want to try committing to spending more time together. Schedule a weekly date night, without friends or kids, to focus on the two of you. You can occasionally use this time to talk about your relationship, but more often it should be a time for fun and laughter so that you can remember the reason you got married in the first place.
Put the past behind you: Remember that time he broke your favorite wine glass, or didn’t do the dishes when it was his turn? So does he, because you remind him over and over again.
It’s rarely possible to forgive and forget completely, but dredging up past wrongs, which is sometimes known as keeping score, allows old wounds to fester. Instead, discuss the issue once and then move on. There are enough problems today without piling them on top of yesterday’s troubles. Letting go of baggage from the old hurts and arguments frees up room for healing…even though it’s not exactly the easiest thing to do.
Give it time: Sometimes negative feelings about your husband can pass with time, especially if they’re related to big life changes or even physical changes. Giving birth, for example, can lead to post-partum depression, which may manifest as feelings of anger and hatred toward your husband. New medications for mental health issues may not take well. Moving, new jobs, large projects at work, and aging parents can all contribute to stress that takes a toll on your and your marriage. But when things settle down, you may find yourself becoming reacquainted with that loving feeling again.
You can even hate your partner in the moment but still love him overall [7].
Regardless, don’t rush into actions if you’re not absolutely sure that you hate your husband and want to end your marriage.
Start over: If you look back at the honeymoon phase and wonder where all that happiness went, it may be time to reclaim it. Everyone needs a fresh start once in awhile, even if it is only symbolic. You can even use some of these tips to help him fall in love with you all over again.
When you remember the good times, also remember to practice gratefulness. Gratitude is important in successful relationships [8].
To recall the bliss of your newlywed days, try renewing your vows and restarting your marriage from scratch. You don’t need another fancy ceremony, just a simple recommitment to your vows to remind you of happy times and the promises you have made to each other. However, it is helpful to have at least one witness.
Making your recommitment public holds you both accountable for sticking to your vows and following through on creating fresh happiness.
When You Should End Things
If, even after trying several of the strategies for repairing your marriage, you still find yourself plagued with the thought of hating your husband, it may be time to consider the worst-case scenario.
Once hate begins to grow within a marriage, it can become impossible to turn around. Sadly, some marriages were never meant to be and were destined to break down over time. Whatever the situation, it may be best to consider divorce. Ending a marriage in which you truly hate your husband allows you both to heal and possibly even move on to healthier, happier relationships.
Feeling hatred toward someone you once loved enough to make a lifelong commitment to is a terrible feeling that will slowly eat away at you. And, sadly sometimes the only thing you can do for your mental health is to end things.
You may never again be the same inseparable couple that all your friends were jealous of. But, with a lot of hard work, dedication and time, you might find a way to restore the love that has slipped away. If you are able to turn your relationship around after hating your husband you may even find that your relationship is stronger in some ways because of surviving the test.
However, you might decide that the relationship isn’t worth saving or that you can’t love him again. In those cases, it is best to dissolve the marriage. No matter the ending, the first step to moving on with your life is to admit, “I hate my husband but I want to fix it”.
Resources
Realizing that you hate your husband and potentially that you want to end your marriage can be overwhelming. The following resources can provide you with additional information and help.
- Dr. Christine Carter discusses how unrealistic expectations lead to resentment and hate in this article on Psychology Today.
- Jennifer Legra discusses her battle with post-partum depression and how it affected the way she felt toward her husband.
- TheBump offers advice for women struggling with PDD.
- Psych Central also tackles this subject.
- Even the Wall Street Journal has advice when you’ve fallen out of love with your husband.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQ #1 – Can I ever learn to love my husband if I hate him now?
Maybe. If you loved him at one point, you may be able to return to those loving feelings, but it will require a willingness to change your feelings and to work through the issues that have led you to the point where you hate your husband. For some people, it’s too difficult to change those routines or it’s been too long to get back those loving feelings.
FAQ #2 – Could I hate my husband because I just had a baby?
Yes! Some women experience post-partum depression, sometimes called post-natal depression. It’s not uncommon for women to experience post-partum depression (PPD) after the hormonal and physical changes that occur during pregnancy and labor [9]. PDD can make you feel unlike yourself, and it can manifest as anxiety. sadness. and a difficulty getting through your day like other depressions. But it might also take the form of feeling anger and hating your husband — and even your baby.
If you’re feeling imbalanced after having a baby, contact your doctor to discuss whether post-partum depression might be the cause and to determine a treatment plan if this is the case.
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Lulu says
I hate my husband too! I do love him in some eerie way but we havent had sex for 6 months- honestly didnt even bother me- didnt notice! But I do dislike him, been together for 15 years but you know how the say?? Things are supposed to get better- not so, i do all the work at home with 5 kids plus looking after his ass, my main reason for hating him is because he has become soooo angry- every day he blowd our kids up, we cant have decent lovely meal around the table and hes hammering them- im sick of it, not sure wat to do- nothing works with him, took him on an expensive boat cruz last year and all he did was growl the kids and belt them- trust me i hate hil!!!
Anonymous says
I can relate. I feel like a prisoner in my husband’s misery. He is angry all the time and when he’s not he’s depressed. I find no joy in spending time with him. We relocated and now I am isolated from my friends and family. He has no friends because no one wants to be around him. On top of this he’s incredibly cheap. He follows my transactions throughout the day and questions my purchases. Yet he can spend $400 on his toy car collection. I can’t talk to him because he just throws a fit. He is not the man I married.
Anonymous says
I feel like I could have wrote this comment! Took the words right out of my mouth! I’m in the same situation exactly! Sorry you are going through this too.
okay2say says
I am miserable too. Almost 16 years and a beautiful special needs daughter. My husband definitely doesn’t love me anymore, I feel like has already divorced me years ago with all the emotional abuse and nelect, I’ve tried this and tat and my therapist said I would have to move on because es not going to change, he seems to be okay in this bullshitofa marriage, he doesn’t see his own dirty ass and faults, always makes excuses and makes me feel less than him, if I didn’t feel God would punish me , I don’t know wat I would do,I truly hate him, what should I do :(????
Paige says
I know the feeling. I honestly feel like I hate my husband. I do 100% of the working, I mostly do all the cleaning and when I’m not doing that I’m taking care of our son. He’s finishing up school which should have been done 7 months ago and something always happens to where he never finishes. It’s never his fault. It’s hard to talk to him because honestly he doesn’t want to hear it. He rather pretend that everything is okay than to fix what’s going on in our marriage. I’ve been with him for 9 years and it sounds horrible but I feel like I only truly loved him for 5. I guess I’m just tired of waiting on change from a person who is perfectly fine with where he is. Mooching his life away on me.
Helen says
I can totally understand where you come from…. I too am in a marriage and will be married to this Ass for 25 yrs…. He’s become lazy and I’ve always done most of the chores in the house…. He is controlling, jealous, he questions me calls me every name you can imagine…. He’s an alcoholic and he too has no friends he would rather watch tv and doesn’t socialize with anyone… it drives me nuts… I’m not like him I’ve always been outgoing since knowing him my life is over….. living with this person doesn’t make you stronger it makes you depressed!
Mimi says
A mother’s first responsibility is to protect her children, even if it’s from the father, even if it’s at the expense of the marriage. When one parent is abusive towards them, they rely 100% on the other parent to protect them from that. There is nothing to save here but the children.
Annonymous says
I hate my husband too!
He always sides with his sisters who have been making my life hell from the year 2000,his mom died trying to break us up for a whore they want him to marry.his sisters are living their mothers dream the bad mouth me every chance they get,they accused me of witchcraft and yes my husband still feel the need to embrace them.Everyone in the community hates me cos of their lies I come from a different town so this is their terittory.I hate my husband for allowing this to happen they iltreat me and does nothing about it.I want to leave him but my children are my main concern they love him to bits and cannot accually stand us apart
they think we are the best couple alive,I’m miserable
jomiami305 says
I am writing this while Im on break at my job (wirh tears). I am in a relationship with a man who is physically mentally and emotionally abusive. He is controlling and a hypocrite. He has cheated on me multiple times and now he wants me to take a lie detector test. I want to take it to prove myself but another side of me wants to grab my kids and run. I am starting to hate him with every fiber in my body. He has a child support case against I feel like he won't take a DNA test because he knows it is his child. I hate that I stayed this long. I feel so worthless every day of my life. The only thing I am is a punching bag to him. I hate my life with him. If I had somewhere for me and my kids to go without him knowing I would take it in a heartbeat. He accuses me of cheating when he cheated 5 Times and he couldn't be a man and tell me he was cheating he had to get caught. I have let him get too much power. I feel stupid because iI allowed him to control me and put me in bad financial situations. My credit is totally messed up because of the things I put in my name. But his credit is fine. He has threatened me to leave me with bills that he helped create and abandoned his children. Our children loves him but the hate his attitude. My son says he is scared of him because he constantly yells and curses at him. My daught has told me so MANY times to leave her dad. I hate my life sometimes I wish I dont wake up but I know my kids will suffer.
Amy says
This is so Sad. I have been crying for 2 days. Reading about other women just like me. I don’t understand why God allows good women, good wives and good mothers to be treated so badly.
I have been praying for months, years.
I don’t want to love my husband anymore.
He is a Boy who lies and cheats so he can have whatever he wants whenever he wants it. He lies to Everyone. Family friends kids me, his therapist and God.
He’s breaking a huge promise he made to me before we got married tomorrow. And he could care less how I feel. Actually he knows exactly how I feel and doing it anyway.
The dumbest part is, he’s done this all before and I got away.
I made a list of all the things he had to change for me to be with him.
He did them all. Now we are married.
I have spent every cent I had saved. He is only provider now so guess what….
He has all the money, we live in his home state now….
He could literally bring a bitch in here do it in front of me and what would I say???
I did this.
The only good thing about all of it is I will NEVER do anything close to this again.
The Worst thing is I still love him.
Why can’t God take the love away from the women who are being mistreated?
With Him all things are possible.
I do not want to have any love left in my heart for this man.
Callie Smith says
Im sorry to hear about the troubles everyone is experiencing. But find a sense of understanding while i can relate to the actions of the husband being angry and somewhat neglectful emotionally n physically. I have been married a little over a year but it seems things are getting worse. My husband n I grew up together we were born 2 weeks apart in the same hospital and grew up in the same town. Our families ran in the same circle. Im at a point where im questioning my own sanity now. I feel very neglected emotionally in my marriage. I cant ever say when i actually was ever emotionally happy but i know i could be treated better and i know there is romance n understanding and love and compassion out there and passion. Dont get me wrong sex is ok but ttc and infertility caused a rip. But we still have sex its just awkward to look each other in the face. For me i feel hurt and like a failure n not a woman. But i know i have anger issues but i feel im always trying to figure things out n talk about things n our problems. Ive said hateful things often think ive sabotaged the relationship. I have threatend divorce and that im going to leave. The facts are we live 2gether in a home my dad owns and although he pays the lightbill everything else is provided for him n i we dont have kids but we do have 3 dogs n 2 cats which are like our kids. I dont work full time but i am apart of a real estate company my dad owns. My uncle whonis a co dependant alcoholic also moved in 3 months ago so its added more stress on us. My husband told me he wont talk to me bcus of my reactions. But i tell him he shouldnt shit down n put a wall up but it never changes he just tries to avoid any conflicts and its building resentment and insecurity. Ive even thought about leaving and even cheating myself bcus i need some kind of sanity in my life again i get extremely depressed n cant function at times ive developed social anxiety and expect the worst daily…it seems im always walking on egg shells here trying to be happy n be the better person but it just slaps me in my face.. Im so back n fourth n im just spinning my wheels goin nowhere. Idk what else to do.. Any advice is apreciated.
Me says
I’ve never been married but my male friend/roommate of almost 10 years was making himself difficult to live with the last few years we lived together. He’s the passive aggressive/emotionally manipulative type and he was really just tired of the city and was taking it out on me.
I dealt with it by…
1. Not picking fights with him, and not responding to his attempts to pick fights. If there was going to be an argument it was going to be him arguing with himself.
2. Accepting that he was going to be the person he is and not the person I want him to be. Didn’t clean the kitchen when it was his turn? Fine. It will stay dirty. I don’t care. Don’t want to see a doctor about that chest pain? Ok. Have a heart attack. His choice. Don’t want to go see Y movie with me? Ok, I will go by my self. Which brings me to point 3.
3. I had my own life. I didn’t let his desire to watch tv and play video games hinder me.
4. Let him do things his way. A lot of times I see boyfriends and husbands try to help only to be chided for doing it wrong when it isn’t really wrong but just different. Or sometimes it is wrong but it’s better for them to figure ut out themselves. Go ahead and start mopping the floor from that end of the room. At least after you realize you have mopped yourself in to a corner, it will get mopped twice.
So I guess my advice is, have fewer expectations, care less, and don’t take on more than a share of life’s burden’s than you can shoulder.
paula says
my marriage is over i have a moma boy and he loves his family more than me he said he dont love me no more im so hurt i have 3 kids aint his his mom is mean to them his family hates me im so far away from home he knows we dont have
carmen candelario says
my mother in law is a crack head that lives with us, a straight up asshole,
and he defends her, i live with a crackhead and a mommas boys, this is shameful
he is mean to me and my 11 years old, I have no money saved up, I don’t love him, I despise him
I am in school, was waiting to get bachelor’s degree to apply for jobs in another state and then leave with my 11 year old, she says they are very mean to her, the other day his mother made a pizza and told my daughter she is not sharing to get her own, who the fuck says that to their grandkids,??????
we argue all day, he is pissed that I don’t like or love him, just now had a fight, because i came in the bedroom to sit in our recliner and watch luke cage……… instead of cuddling, …..wtfffff…
I have no feelings for him he has killed all the love. he is always mad, upset or saying sarcastic stuff, always acusing me, asking me a question of male coworkers, ummmm I don’t even want you anymore, i want meeeeee! I need to fix me, I am not the same, I never carried disgust or hate in my heart as I do now, I need to fix me, I need to leave leave leave
Liz says
Holy sh**, these comments. This article was great advice, however my advice to the ladies in the comments is to read the end about ‘worst case scenario’. Just get rid of him. As for Amy, sounds like your husband can’t deal with your crazy, and maybe counseling would help. That seems savable as long as you get some help for yourself. I was married to a pretty crappy dude and had a kid with him, but the great thing is, I kept myself attractive and strong, and after I left this lump, I found a wonderful and sexy man who I married and we’re happy. He’s really good with my son and he worships the ground I walk on. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t give up on yourself and the potential for better things. Even if it goes against God. God doesn’t want you to suffer. Duh.