Maybe you didn’t intend to fall in love with a married man, but it happened anyway. Maybe you like the lifestyle he can provide you with, the fancy gifts you get and the trips he takes you on. Or maybe you enjoy the intellectual stimulation he provides and the worldview this possibly older man can share. Maybe you like the fact that he isn’t available for you all the time because you aren’t ready to commit – many women experience a similar type of relationship – or maybe you didn’t even know he was married when you first met.
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Disclaimer: At the Bar Girl’s Bible, we recognize the many reasons a woman might choose to date a married man. Dating a man who is married is generally frowned up and may have very real legal, emotional and moral ramifications. And if he has kids, then you need to take their feelings into account as well. Proceed with caution if you decide do it!
Whatever the reason, if dating a married man is what you’ve chosen to do, we have some advice for you.
1. Keep It On the Down Low
When you’ve decided to date a married man, it’s best if you keep it a secret. You may think about telling your best friend, but you can be pretty sure that she is going to tell at least one other person too, who in turn will tell others…and so on. Keep in mind that you really can’t let your family or people you work with know because they likely won’t approve. And things can get messy if that happens.
He will want to keep the relationship a secret as well. He doesn’t want to risk someone he knows (or his wife) seeing him with you. So you won’t be able to just go anywhere you like when you date a married man. You’ll have to sneak around. And that means you won’t be able to meet his friends or attend events with him, either. Public displays of affection are definitely off limits!
This post has some tips on keeping it a secret.
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2. Be Ready in Case His Wife Confronts You
If his wife finds out, she might confront you, so be ready for it. He might have lied to his wife about how the affair really happened, so be prepared to hear some wild stories. For example, you can be sure he told his wife that you initiated the affair, even if he did.
If she wants to meet with you, don’t invite her to your place. She could become violent with you. Instead, if you agree to the meeting, do so in a public place, and tell a friend what you’re doing.
Don’t get emotional. Keep the meeting as businesslike as possible. Hear her out, and then leave. There is no need to be nasty and make his wife feel worse than she already does by telling her, for example, that he’s chosen you. Because really… he hasn’t. Cheating isn’t a sign that he wants to marry you.
3. Make Sure He Showers Before Returning Home…
This isn’t the only thing he should do to avoid being caught, but it’s pretty major…
If you’re happy having the affair, it benefits you to keep it a secret from his wife for as long as possible. Here are four ways that will surely alert any suspicious wife, which you can clue him in on:
- Make sure he doesn’t start dressing better or wearing cologne (even if you like it) just because he’s seeing you. His wife will suspect something is amiss.
- If you’re someone his wife knows about, like someone from the office, counsel him to not bring up your name in casual conversation. The more he mentions your name, the more she will begin to connect the dots.
- Have him get a cell phone that his wife doesn’t know about (or have him get one of the apps we will discuss next that helps him cheat in secret). It’s very easy for her to browse through his regular phone where she will discover everything.
- If you change the radio station in his car, make sure he changes it back when you leave. His wife won’t believe that he’s suddenly taken an interest in alternative or country music if he’s never liked either genre before. In fact, it’s best to avoid places where she has access.
4. Apps You Can Use to Keep Things Hot, But Secret
When you date a married man, keeping the relationship secret from his wife is of the upmost in importance if you want smooth sailing. Tell your guy about these apps he might want to use on his phone to hide your sexting. We’ve included apps for iOS, Android, and BlackBerry.
- Slydial: This app for iOS and Android sends him straight to your voicemail when he calls you. That way there’s no chance of him having to actually speak with you and risk being caught.
- Fox Private Message: This app for Android lets him simply shake his phone in case he’s texting or sexting with you and his wife walks in the room. Shaking the phone erases all evidence. And if he happens to leave his phone in the room where his wife’s likely to see it, this app lets him send a text message code that deletes all texts to and from you.
- BlackBook: If he has a BlackBerry, he can use an app called BlackBook. It’s a take on the real black books men, well players, used to have before there were smartphones. This app separates you (and anyone else he chooses to include here) as his contact from the rest of his contact list. He needs to punch in a secret code to get to the app, and BlackBook disguises your name when you call his phone.
- Vaulty Stocks: This app for Android says it’s for stocks, but it’s really to hide all those sexy photos you send him. This one’s only good as long as his wife doesn’t know about it, and if he knows about it, and you know about it, chances are his wife might too.
- Spy Pix: This app does the same thing as Vaulty Stocks but for iOS. It’s a better app, however, in that it masks the pictures with an innocent decoy image and requires a code to be typed in to view the real photos.
- TigerText: This app for iOS and Android deletes messages he sends to your inbox. Now he knows you can’t blackmail him later and vice-versa.
A majority of messaging apps also include password-protected areas to hide evidence of your affair.
With all this said, dating a married man is not a great thing do, especially if he’s in a happy marriage and/or has kids. No matter what he tells you about his wife, she is the one he married. If they have children, she and he raise them together.
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You merely come in for some excitement to liven up his marriage. You will eventually become routine as the newness fades. Even if this guy tells you that his marriage is bad or that he’s separated, the bottom line is that his marriage is his business. You are a threat to his marriage. You’re putting yourself in a place you don’t belong.
And consider this: he’s a liar. You know he is if he’s keeping you a secret from his wife. So, if he lies to her, what makes you think he doesn’t lie to you? He might be “cheating” on you as well. If he is or if he isn’t, he’s using you to meet his own needs more than he cares about your needs.
End the Affair
Do this when you date a married man and the situation becomes too intense, is going further than you want it to go, or isn’t going in the direction you want it to. Remember this: you’re putting your life on hold for a married man who probably won’t change his life for you. If he really believed you were his “soul mate” or whatever other line he fed you, he would not put you in the position of being “the other woman.” And your affair might not be about love to begin with!
When you get the feeling that you’re wasting your precious time, especially when it becomes obvious there’s little chance of a future for you, cut it off. Let him know that you will no longer see him or answer his calls or texts. In fact, you should block him from being able to contact you. You must be strong and not go back, no matter how persuasive he might be. That will only put you back to where you started when you knew it was time to end it. It will be tough at first, but after a while, the discomfort will pass, and you can move on to a new chapter of your life.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, so avoiding dating a married man in the first place is advisable. If you’re being honest with yourself, you’re probably not proud of what you’re doing. You’re leading a double life, sneaking around as your lover arranges secret meetings with you. Dating a married man means that you need to get used to spending the holidays without the man in your life, and you can’t go to events that are important to him.
Plus, relationships that start out this way usually don’t last. Men rarely leave their wives for the other woman – more on that here. But even if he does divorce his wife for you, the odds aren’t good that your relationship will last. There’s too much guilt and lies for him to deal with.
You might have heard the line, “If he’ll do it with you, he’ll do it to you.” You can’t trust a man who started life with you through deception. You’ll have a better chance of finding lasting love with someone who’s available instead of the kind of relationship you have when you date a married man.
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