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If something is lacking from your current relationship/marriage, you might consider domestic discipline. In this relationship style, you and your man both have defined roles, and this can improve your relationship and communication. Read on to see if DD might be the lifestyle for you.
What Is Domestic Discipline?
A domestic discipline relationship, also known as DD, is one in which the man/husband has more authority over his submissive wife/partner or vice-versa. He creates rules for her to abide by and can administer punishment if she fails to adhere to those rules in an attempt to maintain a healthy relationship and functioning household and protect the family. Typically (but not always), the punishment comes in the form of spanking, and flagellation is a common element in DD households.
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Straight, monogamous couples are those who are the most likely to live a DD lifestyle, and these couples are often Christian who believe in the Bible has described the ideal household similar to those achieved/desired in domestic discipline.
Domestic discipline of often abbreviated to DD, and you’ll also see it shortened to CDD for Christian Domestic Discipline. Other terms include HOH, or head of household (the dominant man), and TiH, or taken in hand (the submissive woman).
Related: Discover How to Be Submissive
Not every woman is submissive, however. You can take this test to find your sexual and BDSM personality.
There are also different kinds of submission. For example, some consider themselves to be bratty subs.
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DD Versus BDSM
Practitioners of domestic discipline are quick to point out that while spanking can be erotic in nature, it’s not the focus of DD. In fact, most couples try to avoid spanking because it’s a punishment and means that either the wife has done something wrong or communication has crumbled.
Similarly, people in domestic discipline relationships often spell out a difference between DD and BDSM. While domestic discipline includes power exchange, rules, and punishment (typically in the form of spanking), BDSM is a much more broad umbrella that covers a variety of erotica activities – everything from light bondage (read more here) to 24/7 relationships that require contracts. Folks who believe in DD may not engage in any other activities that fall under that umbrella, and they may even see other BDSM activities and relationships as sinful or wrong.
Related: What Is BDSM?
Other differences between BDSM and domestic discipline include who plays what roles. The dominant (HoH) is male in DD situations because it harkens to biblical principles in which the man was the head of the household and his wife and family were subservient to him. It’s up to him to make and enforce rules as the king of his domain.
If you’re especially dominant, domestic discipline is probably not for you. However, we have plenty of ideas for women who wants to dominate their men.
Consent and Domestic Discipline
But one similarly is that these relationships are entered into consensually. Each partner agrees to play their role and abide by the accompanying rules as well as participate in activities such as spanking that come along with domestic discipline. Just like BDSM (and any sexual activity), consent is key. Without consent, these situations could be considered abusive, but consent is the line in the sand that shows the clear divide between abuse and domestic discipline.
Because domestic discipline relationships require consent, one or both partners could revoke it or renegotiate the terms of the domestic discipline relationship if it no longer works for them. This is one way that the dominant/HoH has limited power; although, someone who is abusive would ignore those negotiations or revocation of consent.
Domestic Discipline Adds Structure
Proponents of domestic discipline point out how it provides structure. There are clear rules and equally clear punishments for straying from those rules. Nothing is ambiguous, and this can make communicating easier. So, too, can the knowledge of repercussions for disobeying the rules help you remain on your best behavior.
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How do you keep a system of checks and balances when it comes to a relationship structure that some people view as ordained by God?
Some DD couples do craft rules or responsibilities for the dominant/HoH, including those about how he governs his household. His power is not unlimited, and some DD partnerships have fewer rules than others, further limiting the husband’s authority. A couple may agree upon repercussions for the husband if he fails to protect and provide for his family.
Another element is the maintenance spanking, which is not done as a punishment. It can reconfirm the power exchange. A maintenance spanking typically occurs at a predetermined time (daily, weekly, bi-weekly, etc. ).
Domestic Discipline Rules
If you’re into the idea of domestic discipline because you enjoy your partner being the one who is in control or your relationship could use more structure, you’ll need to devise rules. They can be as numerous or few as you’d like. Similarly, they may be specific or vague, but you might find specific rules easier to follow.
Most rules in the DD lifestyle fall into the following categories.
- Show respect
- Be honest
- Be sane
- Obey
- Take care of home/family/pets
Some people further explain those rules. So being honest might be “Be honest 100% of the time.” Or you may define that you must be polite all the time rather than just being respectful. The more specific the rule, the more likely it will be short term.
Additional rules may include journaling or blogging at a predetermined rate and allowing your HoH to read those entries, respecting any decision your man has made and keeping up with hygiene/appearance in a way that pleases him.
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The HoH isn’t the only one to create rules, either. You can provide input if you think there’s a rule you need to add for yourself.
Creating a DD Contract
If you want to add rules for your husband, think of those that complement the rules for you. So if you must remain respectful, he must act in a way that would earn respect, so on and so forth. It’s his responsibility to keep you accountable and to remain calm.
For people with few rules or rules that are easy to remember, you may not need to write them down. However, a written domestic discipline contract both enables you and your man to consent while serving as a reminder of your rule, so there are no misunderstandings. You can also more easily negotiate rules when you know what they are.
Check out our post on BDSM contracts to get an idea of where to start. Remember that DD contracts differ, however. Check out the sample domestic discipline contract by Mischief in May here. Simply Submissive offers a shorter contract.
You’ll see that the example contracts outline consent, rules, punishment, maintenance spankings and the responsibilities of the head of household.
When Rules Are Broken
We’re all human, and we all break the rules. What happens when rules are broken in a domestic discipline lifestyle? Your man must administer punishment as stated in your contract or agreed upon/ Spanking is a common punishment, and your contract may state specifically how many swats, what implements are used and how the spankings are given. Your punishment might be more severe for a more serious infraction.
Many DD couples are fans of over-the-knee or OTK spanking against a bare ass. However, you might agree that your husband can use a hairbrush, paddle or another implement. When you’re new to spankings, you’ll want to start gently to determine your tolerance. Even a moderate spanking can have a lasting impact.
Learn more about erotic spanking. Of course, you may also want to spank your partner if he break the rules.
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One thing that is usually a given is the idea that your man should be calm before spanking you. This is something that many parents believe in when dealing with children who have broken a rule. Anger might lead your husband to ignore the contract, spank too hard or mete out a punishment that isn’t fair for the misdeed. Because of this, spanking might take place after your mistake/broken rule when your man has had a chance to calm down.
Spanking can be pretty timid and you might enjoy it, but it’s also good to consider aftercare such as a soothing balm or even time to cuddle. Read our post on aftercare to learn more.
Other Forms of Punishment
Some DD couples prefer other forms of punishment to spankings/corporal punishment. These may include washing your mouth out with soap, sentence/essay writing, corner time (sitting or kneeling in a corner like a time out), bedroom time (time out in another room) and grounding/permission removal. You may agree that more serious issues require more serious punishments, so picking a few punishments that work for you and your man might be ideal.
After punishment has been dished out, the issue is settled. The head of household should be calm and genuinely forgiving.
Domestic Discipline Resources
You might have gotten an idea about what DD is from the Bad Girls Bible, but there are quite a few domestic discipline communities and blogs that can give you further information and connect you to other people who believe in this lifestyle.
In the domestic discipline lifestyle, punishment is to be avoided. If your man frequently punishes you it’s because you often break the rules. The rules may be unrealistic, or your man may be on a power trip.
Somewhere there is a communication breakdown or strife that is impairing your relationship, and the very fact that your man has had to spank you is an indicator of this. You may choose to connect after a punishment to try to avoid these issues in the future.
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Ultimately, domestic discipline should help you maintain a happy and healthy relationship. Both partners should understand their roles and show love, care, and respect to the other. But this style of relationship isn’t for every couple, and that’s okay.
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Great article on DD. My bf (future hubby) have implanted DD into our life bc it brings us so much closer. He is very sweet, kind & caring man & when I’ve been bratty or have done something wrong he will spank me with a hairbrush or ruler. I do not like discipline spanking so I try to avoid them which makes our relationship much better/stronger/loving.
I’ve spanked my wife throughout our marriage and am glad I brought it in as a tool from the beginning. She is spanked for bad attitude or bad behavior. Since she is usually gentle and submissive, I mostly discipline her for irresponsibility if it is serious. I have seen the benefits of spanking her, from leaving behind her bad behaviors quickly, to deepening in her submissiveness. Any conflict disappears very quickly after a spanking as well. My wife tries to avoid them, naturally, and will really work on changing the behavior that got her in trouble. We have a happy and harmonious marriage and almost never fight. A spanking may be unpleasant for a very short time, but there is long-term peace.
What implements do you use?
very true as women we need a good hard spanking to behave
As long is this is done with initial and active, ongoing consent than it is not for me to judge what a married couple does. I have a male relative high up in the police department of a large US city, and he says in some states an adult cannot give consent to another adult to strike them anywhere on their body. So a DD husband was arrested after a neighbor called the police when he heard the wife crying and saying, please I am sorry. She told the officer she was spanked with her consent but that did not hold in that state. There are very many of us who have excellent, loving and caring marriages and do not get punished by our husbands. We let our husbands lead and they do so with strength, courage and cherishing us. This site also says you should not do this without consent. While the bible does not explicitly state that wife spanking is not allowed, it is not necessary in an adult, caring marriage. Sadly, the only CDD “survivor” that I know had an undiagnosed skin condition that the spankings made so much worse. She now cannot walk without a cane, takes powerful meds, and has physical therapy weekly. Her husband is so remorseful he is trying to gain her forgiveness and bring her back home, but she is not ready. She said the only silver lining is that her son has ended DD in his marriage due to how mortified he is at what has happened to his mom. She tried for 2 years to tell her husband the spankings (even light ones) had become so much more painful. He thought she was just trying to get out of a spanking. While this situation might seem rare, I will bet it happens more often than we know. So, I beg you to keep how your wife is feeling under consideration, that is, if you have any feelings for her at all at this point.
I have been trying for 8 years to insert DD into our relationship. (Failing miserably). We are both dominant characters, and ‘give as good as we get’ in arguments. I just want to stop shouting at him and be put in my place, and move on, but he won’t hear of it, because of his strict upbringing. Help!!!
Are you talking to him about your feelings and desires?
Silent but still effective: the bundle of birch twigs.
“Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.”
I notice with great joy that you wives here have this positive attitude.
This quote comes from Genesis 3:16(!) and what is not very well known is that the Hebrew word for “rule over” includes the possibility of physical punishment and combined with the recommendation from Paul:
” Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
the picture gets more clear.
But, of cause that is under normal conditions; the husband is supposedly mentally ok and hasn´t some serious personality disturbances.
I suggest a bundle of about ten, very thin, curvy and outspread twigs from a
birch tree, for example. A kind of a natural strap which is harmless – perhaps
some minor small marks for a day or so. No risk for bruising because it
doesn´t give a deep impact like a spoon, canes and other heavy tools. A bushy birch like
this can be perfect both for maintenance and also for discipline if combined
with a short leather strap.
A proper length of the bundle can be about 1´2″. No noise at
all, (at least from the tool), and very effective but still harmless.
You can normally use this bundle to start up with and after some minutes continue with 20 to 30 slaps with open hand and then return to the birch twigs.
! If you want to be very silent you of course use this
method from the start and just skip the hand spanking.
It really is a very mild form of spanking at the beginning but after at least
150 lashes the bundle makes a sharp, stinging feeling that can not be ignored. Then you
pause for a minute or two and then continue. All of this can and should be done
several times but is up to you. Do not forget, during a maintenance spanking, to
communicate with caresses and hugs.
An important thing; This birch bundle dries very quickly. You can easily soften
it by putting it into a big bowl or anything with hot water. It becomes
as good as new and fresh.
Take care and avoid brutality!
May God be with you!
My husband and I have our own brand of DD. I live as a modern Stepford Wife. I have few rules, we use positive behavior support and reinforcement as this is what works best for us. We’re more focused on having our dream life and marriage vs my husband walking around on an ego trip looking to beat the me outta me. I tell you what, I’m neutral on DD. I feel every couple should do what’s right for them. many of the groups are depressing and discouraging. Many of the wives are abused by domineering and controlling husband’s with unchecked egos.
That’s why this distinction is important:
Domestic discipline is NOT domestic VIOLENCE.
If a husband is overly domineering and/or acts like a tyrant, that is a toxic domestic VIOLENCE relationship.
Dear Leila and Submissive, I did not see your question and comment earlier, so I was unable to respond. To reply about instruments, I usually spank my wife with a loopy, which is a silent looped cord, or my belt, or a paddle. I give her spankings that are long and hard enough to make her wish she had never misbehaved and to be sorry she ended up in trouble. She tries to avoid them, and responds well to my verbal correction. I spanked her only a few nights ago for an ongoing problem with irresponsibility. However, that was her first spanking in several months.
As you say, a good spanking definitely helps a woman behave. It also brings her back to a place of submission, in which she is comfortable and peaceful, and cleanses her of the burden of guilt. We have a wonderful peaceful home, and basically do not fight. She is loving, kind, gentle, and helps me in many ways.
Take care.
My name is Dani my husband and I have been practicing a DD relationship for 20 years. When he disciplines me it’s always with paddle or his belt, and it’s always on my bare ass. Do I like them no I always cry as he spanks me but I deserve every one I have ever gotten. It helps calm me down and it shows me that I have a wonderful husband who knows how to be a man and run the household. My husband owns my body and I am proud of it.
Not all DD lifestyle is M/f.
Some couples do F/m (aka Female Led Relationship) and turn out to be successful.
I loathe fake Christians who insist on M/f only, ignore domestic VIOLENCE problems and frequently confuse DD and domestic violence.
Alfred, what you say is so true! I find even in female lead relationships or male to male and female to female that there’s much more of the element of ongoing consent, and the ability to revoke consent to ensure the practice doesn’t go into domestic violence. When Christian beliefs are brought into it, women are much more likely to suffer abuse. Thank you for speaking up about this.