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A healthy sex life is important to most people, which is why you might feel alarmed if your boyfriend doesn’t want sex. Your mind might race with scenarios and the worst-possible reasons that he isn’t interested in sex. But don’t let your imagination run wild: there are several reasons why his interest in sex may have waned recently.
1. He’s Unhappy In Your Relationship
One reason your boyfriend might not want sex is, unfortunately, dissatisfaction with your relationship. He may have doubts about your relationship or be experiencing negative feelings that he’s not sure how to bring up. If he’s been feeling this way for a while, he may be closer to breaking up with you than working it out, and so he’s less interested in sex than he once was.
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Unfortunately, lack of interest in sex can mean that a guy is no longer interested in your or maintaining your relationship, but it’s not the only reason he might not want sex anymore. So you definitely shouldn’t stop reading here.
2. He’s Cheating
Sometimes the reason that your partner isn’t interested in sex with you is that he’s getting it from someone else. Although you shouldn’t jump to conclusions, it’s important to look at his behavior to determine if he might be cheating.
3. He’s Stressed
When guys are stressed, they often find themselves less interested in sex. The stress might have nothing to do with you, but it could still be taking a toll on your sex life. For example, if he’s struggling with a project at work or has been helping out his ailing mother, his mind might be preoccupied.
And the more stress, the more likely he is to be fatigued. Stress can contribute to exhaustion, even if it’s just momentary stress [1]. This means your boyfriend might want to have sex but just can’t find the energy to do so.
Related: If you want to give your man back-arching, toe-curling, screaming orgasms that will keep him sexually addicted to you, then you'll find them in my private and discreet newsletter. You'll also learn the 5 dangerous & "dumb" sex mistakes that turn him off and how to avoid them. Get it here.
Stress can be one of the reasons for your lack of sex drive, too. Find out how to increase sex drive.
4. He’s Not Attracted To You Anymore
Has something about your appearance changed? Or is your boyfriend finally showing his true colors? If he was more interested in what’s on the outside than developing a true connection and building intimacy with you, then changes in the way you look might spell bad news for your sex life.
But people change. We get older and gain weight. We change our styles and haircuts, and a guy who is obsessed with the way you look might not be such a catch. Should you be obsessing about why your boyfriend isn’t interested in sex? Or should you be wondering if it’s time to break up with him because he’s only dead weight that’s dragging you down?
If you do break up with him, you may still be interested in break up sex with him.
5. He Has Issues With His Body
Although you’re probably pretty aware of how many women have body image issues and it’s likely that you have some yourself, women don’t have the monopoly on this. It might not be that your boyfriend isn’t interested in sex. He might just be afraid of taking off his clothes in front of you, especially if he’s never done it before or if something has changed. Weight gain, a scar from surgery or an injury can all damage a man’s body confidence and make it harder for him to strip down for sexy times.
Remember that men tend to receive fewer compliments than women, so be generous with your kind words. It can bring the two of you closer together. Get ideas for the type of compliments that guys like.
6. He’s Questioning His Sexuality
Now, we absolutely do not think you should jump to the conclusion that your boyfriend is gay if he’s no longer interested in sex or even if he has a lower sex drive than you. There are all sorts of variations in normal sex drive, not to mention fluctuations over time. But sometimes a person can be unaware of or actively deny their true attractions and find themselves in a heterosexual relationship that’s not a good fit.
Quick Quiz: Do You Give Good Blow Jobs?
If you are new here, then you may want to take the quiz below to learn how good you are at giving oral sex and satisfying your man. You may discover you that you suck (pun intended) or that you are already a blow job queen.
However, it’s up to each person to discover themselves and to come out to those people around them, so even if you suspect this might be the case with your boyfriend, you need to let him come to you. If you made that accusation and it’s not true, you might inadvertently be telling him that he’s not living up to what you think a straight guy should be.
7. He May Need Something More Sexually
When your boyfriend doesn’t want sex, it might actually be about the sex. More specifically, he might have desires or kinks that your sex life just hasn’t been fulfilling, which leads to a disinterest in sex with you. What sort of things do we mean? Perhaps he’s into BDSM and needs kinkier sex than the two of you have had, and he doesn’t know how to bring it up.
Related: How To Talk About Sex For Complete Fulfillment
It can occasionally happen that someone gets so accustomed to masturbating in a certain way or watching hardcore porn that they find it difficult to become aroused or get off with someone else. The good news is that this can be corrected by purposely loosening up that grip or staying away from the hardcore porn to re-associate desire and orgasm with the context of a relationship. But if your boyfriend is dealing with shame over these things, it becomes much more difficult to change behaviors. He might need to seek professional help.
On the other hand, if there is a kink that the two of you could explore together, your sex life might improve. There are many fetishes and kinks, so you might be surprised by what it is that your boyfriend is into. Read our list of kinks and fetishes to see what we mean.
Related: Also, look for the signs that he likes going down on you.
8. He Might Not Be Healthy
Various conditions and diseases can affect desire. For example, anything that lowers testosterone in men can lead to less desire to have sex. Men typically lose testosterone as they age [2], and many middle-aged men or older struggle with erectile dysfunction. Chronic illnesses, like stress, can also cause fatigue, which does a number on a person’s sex drive.
There are also some conditions that do not necessarily affect arousal but affect performance. If your man is worried about whether he can even get an erection during sex, he might not initiate it. Low blood pressure is one thing that can lead to erectile dysfunction (and medicines that treat high blood pressure might also make it difficult for him to get hard), but it’s not the only factor.
Discover how erections work and what can lead to erectile dysfunction.
9. He May Struggle With Depression or Anxiety
Depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses may also be at play when it comes to lowered libido. Depression sometimes makes it difficult to find the motivation to do basic things such as get out of bed, eat, and take a shower, let alone have sex with another person. Anxiety can result in all sorts of self-doubt that prevent a person from engaging in sex, and many people find anxiety kills arousal, anyway.
Read this if you want to know the secret to make any guy horny.
Unfortunately, the very medications that might help your boyfriend deal with his mental illness might be putting the kibosh on his sex drive. SSRIs are commonly prescribed to treat depression, but they’re not great for sexual desire.
If your boyfriend thinks depression or anxiety is an issue, he should speak with a professional. Therapy and/or medication can improve his quality of life and your relationship as a result. If medicine seems to be causing issues for your man, he should not be afraid to speak to his doctor to find a better solution.
Fixing the Issue
It may very well be that your boyfriend is aware of the things that are impacting your sex life, especially if sex is important to him. He may want to talk about them but may not be sure how to start the conversation, especially if he’s feeling any guilt or shame. It’s important that you can talk about your sex life with your partners to resolve issues. Bringing up the subject yourself might help you have open lines of communication.
Find out how to fix a sexless relationship.
However, if your boyfriend isn’t willing to discuss the issue with you, then you probably can’t do much to make him want sex with you more. No amount of perfume, lingerie or sexy texting will help if your boyfriend won’t admit that there’s a problem or is unconcerned with how it affects you. In that case, you might have to consider if you can live with having less sex than you’d like – or no sex at all – or if you need to break up with him. Of
There are some people who place a lower priority on sex in their relationships, so they’re okay with not having a lot of sex. But that’s a call you’ll need to make yourself.
Don’t worry that you’re doomed to a life without sex, however, just because your boyfriend doesn’t want sex right now. It may very well be something the two of you can talk about and work on. You may even forget this dry spell in the future when things return to normal.
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The man I’ve been involved with over 4yrs just out of prison we only had sex 1 time
I giving him oral he hasn’t gave me any since then he’ll foreplay a Lil not much I think he lost interest I’m hurt feel less then a women..
Sorry to hear that Laura, can you talk to him about your wants and needs?
Hi my boyfriend of a year can’t keep an erection with me. I found out he was sexting and cheated for about 7 months of our relationship. Even though he was doing that he still wanted me at least five times a day. Now it seems like he can’t even do it he just gets me to get soft whenever he reaches me. But it’s hard on over fantasy girls he fantasizes about so he says that it’s all fake but I don’t think so I don’t know what to do and how to tell if he’s telling the truth what do I do.
I feel you girl I’m going thru the same with my boyfriend..any advice please give me some input?
My man isn’t attracted to me anymore because I’ve lost so much weight. See he likes HUGE FAT ASS girls… Which I’ll never be. I’m going thru cancer treatment and I asked him to have sex and he said he can’t
Well he sounds like he aren’t worth shit if it makes you feel any better I’m having the same problem with my partner it’s our first anniversary on the 22nd of this month n I’m not even a bit excited I’ve lost a lot of weight n when we go intown he can’t keep he’s eyes off young fat girls no younger then 14 I swear to fuck I’ve seen him look at them too ‘ he does it in front of me everytime n I have my 18 year old daughter living with us she don’t always wear pants long shirts underwear yes like he needs any help beening a sick fuck I told him he ever looks at my daughter n I busted him I will poke he’s eyes out
I’m not aloud to have hugs kisses or sex unless he says its OK then I’m doing all the work, he said he’s not into sex like me, he said he has no sex drive, but has been caught talking nasty to women online… He refuses to talk to me and I’m completely broken..
This is exactly what I’m going through
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years. Each year we have less and less sex. I would like to do it at least once a week but we can go a whole month just doing it once or not even at all. Makes me feel depressed, low self esteem and kinda like moving on tbh.
Have you talked to him about how you feel?
This is so incredibly tough. It’s like you don’t want to wear anything you feel good in because it won’t matter–to him.. It does to you. Keep doing you. Your happiness does not depend on how he responds to you. I am in therapy for the same thing. If you lived in Phoenix we could move out and in together, lol. Remember, it is them with the problem. It does not reflect on how pretty or gorgeous you are. It is so sad that they don’t see what is right in front of them!
I been with my boyfriend going on a year we use to have sex 2 3 time a day but now it’s been 2 months he says he not cheating it’s not me he does not like head he always won’t to do the a position he does 4 play so I stay dry idk what’s to think or do anymore help please
I’m having the and problem right now so stuck at the moment I feel like I’m not enough something happened
I have just ended a relationship with someone who would feed me speed to keep me up all night watching porn non stop for 2 day’s every weekend for 6 months. We never had sex cuddles and he couldn’t kiss. He flinched when I touched him and bought loads of sex toys expecting me to cum multiple times. He was also very contolling on eveyway and ego driven I’m so confused I’m not sure what happened? Feel like I’ve been emotionally and sexually abused?
Yes you have. That is horrible. Please find help. It may be worthwhile to look into narcissistic abuse recovery. Someone like that is clearly pathologically self serving and unhealthy in profound ways. Eventually the instant gratification of “feel goods” through coercion, porn, sex and masturbation will leave him deeply unhappy. Dont go down with him! Good luck.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 years now sex use to be great we would have sex all night long. About six months ago he fell into depression, and things changed. He don’t want to have sex. He don’t want to give me oral sex. He just wants head and for me to finger his anus and then he goes to sleep or leave. Do I need to be wary?
Hard to tell what the issue is here. Have you talked to him about how you feel?
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now, when the relationship first started sex was great. For the last month or so my boyfriend has not seemed to be able to stay erect during our sex or has not been able to finish. I have tried speaking to him to ask if there is anything I can do (apparently there’s nothing really). We communicate well in general, but I am aware that he’s cheated in past relationships and now I’m starting to think this may be why. Any advice would be great
You really need to talk to him Emma. It’s impossible to tell what the issue is from my point of view as I just don’t know your relationship
Same issue my man rarely wants sex only once ever 1-3 months and then can’t cum
We used to have sex 3 times a week in the beginning but I did notice he didn’t cum a few times then but now he rarely wants it then can’t stay hard and doesn’t cum
I think your boyfriend might be experiencing the erection problem, advise him to see a doctor…
I’m currently 8 months pregnant me and my bf were having good sex for a while but it’s declined recently. He says he hasn’t been in the mood because he was feeling sick and has spent tons of time in the bathroom more. Found out he’s been going on this video chat site and he keeps it a secret. And one day I’ve seen his profile that said “thumbs up for d” I feel really hurt and betrayed. He says he loves me a lot but why would he have an online affair?
My bd/ partner refuses to have sex because last time we had sex we had a baby . But he’s sexting maybe even having sex with girls on Snapchat. Sending nudes and jerking off. He doesn’t know I know this. But he tells me he’s not active. I don’t believe it. It gives me anxiety. He says he’s not ready. So he’s willing to have sex with complete strangers but me ?
Sounds like you need to have a conversation with him about htis.
girl that’s a red flag leave fr fr I know easier said then done but by you staying your allowing it and you don’t want to feel like the problem CUZ YOUR NOT. I know from experience .
Me and this guy have been in a “Situationship” not very long about 2/3 months …
if you know what I mean… nd the SEX at first was phenomenal… I mean he couldn’t keep his hands off of me an vice versa.. Bt now I don’t know if it’s bc I changed my hair or what… but we haven’t even been sexual towards eachother an when we do it’s awkward to me… I really like him but I’m getting to the point of getting Pen** somewhere else
I feel like I’m losing my boyfriend. We have sex maybe once every two weeks. We’re 19 and 20 so I don’t know if the stereotype of him being a sex crazed young adult is true. He complains or used to, about his ex and how they had sex all the time but she never made him cum. I feel like were heading down that road where he’s losing his ADHD hyperfixation of me and is no longer attracted. Any advice?
Talk to him about how you feel
7.5 years in… things were supposed to get better when he finally got a new job and it very quickly started getting progressively worse ever since. My boyfriend acts like some huge horrible shit happened to make him not care anymore. He is now on this apathetic self serving rampage for months with little to no effort or concern. When I ask to do anything together I get the whole “You can do whatever *you* want” or his latest thing “your greed is kicking in!” or “I’m sure I’m doing something wrong or not do something right that you’re mad about”. It’s become his to go easy out for doing anything he doesn’t want or basically ensuring he’s always doing whatever HE wants. I approached him last night since we wer eboth seeming to have a good day and in a good fairly affectionate mood and he was WFH so it’s not like he had a long commute or anything or anywhere to go so it made sense. He managed to avoid sex over the weekend because the week before he put me off all weekend and when I tried to have sex that Monday, he scheduled it for Thursday so by the weekend it was too soon. So this week went by and I was in the mood yesterday, spent the time shaving and stuff and when I asked if we could spend time together his reply, as predicted, was “I hadn’t planned on it…” and suggested tonight. I was doubtful because I know how this works. This is literally EVERY time I ak for sex. His delivery got dropped off at the top of our driveway today so he had to moved all his building materials y hand in the heat and started immediately lamenting how this “kicked his ass”. I am tired of hearing him complain about his out of shape, his fat, his weight, his lazy, etc etc yet he does NOTHING about it. Every day is the same thing. Gets done work and immediately opens a beer and spends the rest of the night sitting and drinking on his phone surfing the net. So whatever, I already expected he would try to fall back on his word as usual. I try to be patient and flexible but he never honors MY needs. It’s only when it works for him!! I am not horny now…. as expected he opened a beer and immediately went outside to start fucking around with the new portable AC unit he ordered for the gym he’s going to start building. I assume sex is NOT on te agenda. I am not even that horny now but for me it is the principle. I was devestated that it’s a Friday night and he gave me the swerve when he asked what was wrong and why I was just steading there not talking and I admitted I was ready to go back and not spend the night out in the workshop, he told me to go do whatever I want because he’s not here to entertain me. That’s his other go-to answer now , whenever we have free time he doesn’t spend it with me and if I want his attention and company that’s what he says. I have gained a lot of weight and don’t feel particularly sexy but this does not help. My hope is that building this new gym outside is for real a game changer and actually motivates HIM to start doing something healthy and positive that will hopefully help improve his overall mood and energy levels. I didn’t sign up for this crap. We had an amazing relationship in the beginning and our sex life was like the stuff you see in movies, it was crazy. I felt so sexy. And now I am just this unwanted thing that he treats like someone put a gun to his head to let me come stay here and interfere with his freedom. He’s pretty out of shape, too. He used to have a right flat stomach and full head of hair. He’s almost completely bald on top now and has a growing beer belly, saggy scrawny arms and my legs are thicker than his. I am 5’4″ he’s 5’11″…. used to be thin as a rail and he’s let himself go. I hope getting into better shape (I won’t hold my breath) helps him just as I hope my getting back in shape (school for the last two years and mom with cancer while WFH on the computer for a year) destroyed my body. I was finally starting to lose weight over winter break and was down to about 145 and bday and anniversary and beginning of last semester and vtine’s day and I gained 12 by the beginning of March, alone. I gained another 6 lbs just in the last month and am now at a record high. I am done school and clinical as of last week finally and this week after a horrible bingy weekend started eating better, cut back on alcohol almost entirely and started forcing myself to go out for long walks and runs again even though it has been high 90s and disgusting humidity. I already feel a slight bit better. I have been doing stretching and light bodyweight toning and stuff here and there as I think about it. Maybe once I start working and making $ and we both get into better shape things will improve. I hate feeling this way and like my boyfriend is ready to break up for no reason when all I wanted was to start working on making things better and never had the chance, time. money or his willingness. Now here we are. I love this man a lot and have thought about just walking away and cannot see myself NOT in this relationship anymore. I don’t want anyone else and can’t imagine replacing him and what he have (or had at least when he still cared). All I want is for things to be the way they were, he thinks I am just here to get something from him- specifically money- since he has had to help me during school. Mind you, he makes 3 figures a year and always helped me and said he didn’t care how much I make. Now that he has had to help me out until I start working again, he treats me like an immature spoiled child who is lazy and wants to be taken care of. I take my boards on the 13th and honestly don’t even care anymore. I feel so beat down and defeated like what little was left of our relationship was obliterated because of my overwhelming imprisonment by school. It destroyed me. Destroyed my beauty, stole my life away, life and loss and disappointment and stress have stolen my happiness and positivity away. I am not the pretty young sexy hot office chick who was on the upswing and feeling optimistic about life that I was when we met online 7.5 years ago and now I think it is too late to fix this because he has given up and won’t try and sees no reason to try.
My libido is higher than his. On the other hand I have never learnt how to initiate sex. This means we only have sex when he initiates it, which is not as often as I would like/need. I worry he will cheat. To be honest if presented with the opportunity, I might too. How do most people initiate, or let their partner know they want sex? And what happens if you get rejected?
These tips on how initiate sex with your man should help.
Me and my bf of seven years going on eight we had a son last year I’m pregnant again now but the past several years I noticed that he would leave me alone by myself while he go hang out with his friends it’s way before I got pregnant the first time I caught him looking up naked hairy women online I asked him about it then straight up said I don’t know what your talking about. Then before I knew I was pregnant with my first child I had a feeling he was having sex with my neighbors plus sometimes I could hear it. My neighbor never had a bf or guy friend. I ask him about it still don’t know what your talking about. Then when I was pregnant I found out that he gave me something it was cureable. Then a couple weeks ago I found out that I had another sexual transmitted disease just got off medication. Still don’t know what your talking about. His friends told me was over the phone when I was on the phone with him so I asked him and he said oh don’t believe what he says he’s stupid. Sex has not been good I haven’t had it for two weeks and I feel like he’s cheating again and Im thinking about finding another person any advice
I feel like every month our sex life is depreciating little by little. I’ve been with my bf for little over 2 years and our sex life is going to shit. When I first met him he was a little kinky but now he doesn’t even try to push me to do it. He says that he knows I don’t like all of it. 2 weeks ago we didn’t have sex for about 10 days and I was so hurt. I don’t think I’m an unattractive woman and I get hit on all the time. When I bring up to him that I feel like he isn’t attracted to me anymore he says that he loves me so much and that he loves my body and he wants to have sex but then. He flips it and says “what are you doing if you want us to have sex? “ And he claims that I never initiate it which I rarely ever do. My issue is that I want him to want me more. I want him to come home from work and want to have sex. Not be having to convince him to have sex. His job is extremely stressful and even more so lately and I’m trying to be understanding. I tried once to imitate some kinky stuff and we had a great time but then another time I dressed up for him and he didn’t cum. I just don’t feel like I excite him anymore. It pisses me off because other men are always trying when I’m out and my own man doesn’t even seem to care. Idk what to do anymore. Keep trying to excited him? See a sex therapist ? Or just let it be and not stress him out more
Unfortunately there is a pretty short ‘honeymoon period’ in relationships where you want eachother all the time and that ends in like 2 years. It took me a long time to figure this out, because I’ve been in my relationship for 14 years and at about 7 years in there was a change with sex and desire. I felt hurt and rejected by this. I realized that with many relationships they relate sex with love and when the desire fades they think the relationship is over.. but sex really isn’t love. Because that part fades. Love is shown in other ways. Is your boyfriend showing his love in other ways? There still should be attraction, and both parties should be happy. If you are not feeling happy then you need to communicate this with your boyfriend
Same advice for women as for men:
After all the “helping her feel secure, supported, and loved” and all the things a man is probably doing anyway…. after all the “I’m feeling bloated, slightly fat, I’m saggy” nonsense that goes round in a woman’s head… it comes down to one thing only:
If your partner isn’t as sexually desirous of you as you are of her LEAVE HER and find someone else.
Yes, she has no obligation to provide you with sex – but you are under no obligation to remain in a sexless relationship. GO.
That sounds very black and white. Perhaps there is a middle ground?
I try I lead thing on and he gets somewhat satisfied and then turns away I’m tired of crying over it what can I do to fix it I’ve tried talking to him and he says nothing wrong. I don’t know what to do anymore or how to fix it
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 years now we hardly have sex because of the distance between us..but once we come together we only get intimate once in a night only one round the second one he struggles to hold an erection or sometimes he just drops out during sex or sometimes he can not just hold the erection at all ..we spoke about it and we both don’t know where the problem is .now am sex starve and I don’t want to leave him ,I just want us to go back to our normal sex life .
This sounds fairly normal depending on your age.
My partner of 14 years is not interested in sex. He has ED problems especially with a condom. He does not want kids. I had a bad reaction with birth control so we need to use condoms. He’s been avoiding sex. I feel he isn’t attracted to me beacuse he doesn’t ever show sexual interest. He claims it is not me.
He isn’t cheating but I have no idea what he does on his computer. I am so confused because we’ve been together so long I would hate to end it over this. Maybe he’s just bored but doesn’t make any attempt to better it. But if he’s not attracted to me then why would we continue?
Have you talked to him about how you feel?
Actually, i don’t have issues here with my boyfriend not wanting to have sex with me. My boyfriend is too active in bed more than me in a way that he wouldn’t get tired of playing sex every single day, now my problem is that he always get mad with me when i’m not in the mood, he walks away from me any time of the night even when he knows that i do not like that…on the other side i do love him and we are planning our future together but he’s not financially stable and in most cases, i am the one supporting him though he has not gone so far with his education…he’s struggling with a small business and the money he gets out of it is very small, i need an advice on this please….
Been with my boyfriend for about 5 months and he does not want to touch me at all. I found girls on his phone and they all were like skinny blondes far from what I look like. He tells me it’s because of God but I doubt it please give me advice.
I have had mental health issues for many years, and know very well that I am anxiously attached to anyone i’ve gotten close to. My boyfriend is my closest source of comfort these days, and we get on expertly well in almost all departments. But because of my anxiety and my reliance on him we hit some barriers, especially in the bedroom. Because of this our sex life is dead completely, and he says this is causing him inhibitions of hurting me. We’re both very kinky and could align in my opinion but he is adamant about not going there just yet, and claims he’s working on it. But month after month passes with no changes, however hard i’m working on my psyche.
Over the last few months he has taken a new path, and is starting to write porn for money online. He claims that this is entirely separate from our relationship and that he loves me and just me, but it has set off multiple anxiety attacks that he doesn’t understand at all. I spend lots of time worrying that this is a doorway to cheating on me, or finding new sex partners to talk to online. I try to trust him and not to get the urge to police his computer, but it is so difficult. I’m so jealous when he has eye porn over people on kink sites and I get red in the neck, and now it’s gotten worse, given i’ve moved in with him in a foreign town away from anyone I know, if hypothetically this would cause a breakup in the future.:(
Has anyone been in a similar boat, and do you have any advice on how to build my self confidence, and not jeopardize what may be a very good relationship.