What It Actually Means To Be Collared in BDSM

In dominance and submission relationships, submissives often wear collars around their necks.If you’ve ever wondered about the significance of these collars or want to know how you can incorporate a collar into your own relationship, this guide will teach you everything you need to know.

What Does a D/s Collar Symbolize?

Being collared means being committed. It symbolizes a relationship between a dominant and submissive. Permanent collars may be the most common, and they tell people that the couple is committed. Often, it’s a 24/7 or total power exchange relationship, and the submissive is known as a slave and is considered owned by their master.

Related: How to be submissive

Not every collar has such a weighty meaning, however.

Is a Collar Always an Actual Collar?

No. While collars often are collars, especially those made from metal or leather, there are many times when they may not be appropriate. Some couples simply prefer something else to signify their relationship. Necklaces are an obvious substitution, and some people use rings, bracelets, earrings, or watches, too. Belts and dog tags are more masculine options.

Fortunately, with mainstream fashion adopting elements of kink/BDSM, a lot of jewelry is quite similar to a Dom sub collar. You’ll also find heart-shaped locks that are more discreet than an actual padlock.

Related: The Complete Guide to BDSM

You could also consider a tattoo, but there’s always the risk that the relationship will end, and you’re left with a permanent reminder of it on your body.

However, sometimes only an actual collar will do when you want to attach a leash to it or otherwise incorporate it into your bondage activities.

6 Types of BDSM Collars

There are multiple types of collars, although not every couple uses each one. Collars can indicate progression up to the point of a full D/s relationship, but that’s not always the case as you’ll see below:

• Consideration collars aren’t super common, but some people use them to show they’re considering a relationship with a submissive. It confers some protection but isn’t permanent and is more easily removed. Some people move directly to permanent collars from a collar of consideration, but others add a training collar as the next step.
• Training collars indicate a submissive is in training and isn’t a fully collared sub. A collaring ceremony and full collar will likely follow suit if training goes well.
• Permanent collars are the highest level of collar, and they show commitment between the submissive and dominant that may be equal to that of marriage. Some people wear them 24/7, and they can be secured with a lock that only the dominant has a key to. In these scenarios, removing the collar equates to ending the relationship. However, some people do not wear their permanent collars 24/7.
• Day collars are typically jewelry (a necklace, choker, or bracelet, for example) that submissives wear in place of their permanent collars in “vanilla” settings or around people who aren’t in the BDSM scene. Day collars essentially let you stealthy display your D/s relationship without inviting questions or making others uncomfortable.
• Play collars are worn for scenes only. They can be worn between people in vanilla relationships who like the occasional BDSM play. D/s couples who don’t feel it necessary to wear a collar all the time, or even strangers at BDSM clubs or parties who are only playing together for one scene. Putting on a play collar can be like putting on lingerie–it gets you in the mood to play and can help put you in subspace! A collar may be more part of a costume than a D/s symbol in pet play.
• Protection collars are temporary and are intended to keep dominants from bothering a submissive who isn’t permanently collared. It’s more than just wearing a fake wedding ring, however. The dominant who gives the protection quality takes some responsibility for the submissive who wears it.

Related: How to be dominant in the bedroom.

Digital Collars

While most people picture some sort of physical collar in their minds, the practice has been adopted for use online. In forums, chatrooms, and other BDSM spaces, submissives will sometimes mark that they’ve been collared. This is typically a signifier of a long-term relationship and may mean other dominants cannot speak to them without their dominant’s permission.

One example involves submissives using symbols such as brackets that look like a collar and possibly a leash next to their dominant’s name. For example:

{submissive}~Dominant

And if the dominant is doing the same, their name will look like

Dominant~{submissive}

Related: 116 dominant and submissive pet names.

Of course, different communities may have different conventions. Brackets may not be allowed in usernames, for example. And some people use taglines or avatars to show D/s ownership, while others don’t display it noticeably at all.

Psst, are you new to D/s? It makes up the other half of BDSM, along with S&M! You also should check out our guide on BDSM for beginners that will help you figure out what aspects appeal to you most.

Earning a Collar

If you want to be a collared sub, your dominant partner may require you to earn it.

For some people, earning is more informal. It’s about spending time together, getting to know one another, and seeing a future with this person. During this, the submissive should be a good partner and submissive. Being a good submissive often means dedicating yourself to personal growth, not just kinky activities. Thus breaking bad habits could be one way of earning your collar. So could losing weight or working out to become healthier.

No matter how you do it, consistency is key.

Your dominant may require you to show absolute submission, which can only happen after you’ve established trust.

Check out these rules for submissives to learn what might be expected of you.

Like so many things in D/s and collaring, communication is essential to earning (or earning back) a collar, and what you agree upon will reflect your unique relationship.

Collaring a Sub

Typically, the dominant gives a collar to the submissive. Picking or designing a collar can be serious, like designing a wedding ring set. It’s not uncommon for dominants to have special messages, names, or dates engraved on metal collars or stamped into leather ones. A collar can be expensive and custom, but just like a wedding ring, the meaning matters more than the cost.

Dominants may want to surprise their submissives with a collar, but often submissives are aware of the impending collar and have worked hard to be worthy enough for their partners to offer it.

If you prefer an intimate setting or aren’t giving a permanent collar, you can bestow a collar upon your partner when it’s just the two of you. You might want to create an environment that’s romantic, sexy, kinky, or otherwise represents your relationship.

Formal Collaring Ceremonies

Some D/s couples have collaring ceremonies that have more structure and can happen in front of family and friends, usually those in the D/s community. These ceremonies are usually reserved for permanent collars. These ceremonies are like weddings in some ways, and some couples may have both or even combine them.

Because collaring ceremonies don’t have long traditions like weddings do, there’s lots of flexibility when it comes to the details. Keep reading to get some ideas for yours.

• Location: Home works well, especially if you want to save money, but you might rent a space or even choose a kinky setting such as a dungeon or party. A park is another option, too. Make sure you have permission and have paid the appropriate fees if your ceremony is happening in a public place.
• Theme: Some people choose a decorative theme. Something natural, kinky, or even nerdy all work. Again, this ceremony reflects the two of you as people and a couple.
• Officiant: A close friend or mentor in the lifestyle makes the perfect officiant, but you don’t need to have one if you’d rather go without. The officiant can speak about your D/s relationship and direct the ceremony.
• Guests: Consider who accepts and supports your D/s relationship. The location might mean you need a shorter guest list. If you’re polyamorous or have other submisisves, they also can attend.
• Invitations: Once you know who you want there, send invitations. Often, these will match the theme of your ceremony.
• Collar: Just like a wedding ring gets a lot of attention during the ceremony, so does the collar. Some people place the collar on a display or in a case where it will remain until it’s placed around the submissive’s neck. If your collar requires a lock or hardware and tools, make sure to keep them nearby.
• Attire: There’s no need to go black-tie formal. In fact, many kinksters wear their fetish gear. It’s also common for at least one member of the couple (usually the submissive) to be nude. Wear whatever makes you feel connected to each other. Related: Complete list of fetishes.
• Words: Although your ceremony doesn’t need vows, some people like to include words of commitment from both partners. A dominant’s words reflect care and responsibility while the submissive promises to obey and submit. 
• Ritual: This is the actual act of putting a collar on a submissive and possibly locking it. The officiant or another officiant might hand the collar to the dominant, but there’s no one right way how to collar a sub. During this ritual, the submissive may be kneeling, so consider a cushion or other ways for them to be comfortable. However, you can incorporate other rituals to symbolize your commitment, including lighting candles. Of course, a kiss is always appropriate.
• Reception: A comfortable, social space after the ceremony is an excellent way for you to socialize with your loved ones and potentially play.

Does Wearing a Collar Change a Relationship?

That depends. You might be surprised to learn that some submissives or slaves feel freer after being collared because of the protection and intimacy it offers. On the other hand, dominants may feel more responsibility because a collar means they have to care for this person during the good times and bad times. This is more than just aftercare.

Learn more about BDSM aftercare.

On the other hand, collaring may not change anything if you’ve already reached that level of commitment. It’s similar to how marriage doesn’t always change a relationship. Still, you should try to be aware of the biases that you have about collaring, even subconsciously, that may only pop up after it happens.

Rules When Wearing a Collar

Some couples are pretty serious about what it means to be collared. There are rules to follow every time the collar is worn. They can be rules about speaking (using honorifics), posture, eye contact (keeping them lowered), or even walking a step or pace behind the dominant. Some dominants require their submissives to remain within eyesight or expect to keep submissives within sight to protect them.

Less tangible expectations include obeying requests and commands, accepting discipline, and always being sexually ready, whether that’s to perform a blow job or just have sex.

Check out these BDSM rules if you’re interested in more protocols.

Losing a Collar

As we mentioned, removing a permanent collar may mean you are ending the relationship. However, dominants may also remove a collar as a form of punishment, requiring the submissive to earn it back.

Related: 16 BDSM Punishments for Effective Behavior Training

Actions that can result in collar removal should be clear and potentially agreed upon in the past or incorporated into your slave contract. It shouldn’t be possible to lose a collar on a whim. In fact, some people refer to collars that come on and off easily as “Velcro” collars. However, dominants have the ultimate say when a submissive has crossed the line.

Submissives can feel strongly when their collars are removed, even if it’s just for practical purposes such as cleaning, and grief, loss, panic, or anger are all common.

If you want to renew the collar in the future, consider what your relationship needs to improve. The dominant may give the submissive tasks to earn the collar back. Or you may need to focus on communicating with each other about your relationship to affirm that D/s dynamic and a serious commitment is what you want. Kink-positive therapy may even be appropriate.

Because removing the collar is a serious offense no matter who does it, you should be absolutely sure that you want that level of commitment before agreeing to be a collared sub. And if you don’t understand what it means to collar a sub or the responsibility entailed, you shouldn’t offer to do so.

A Final Note on Collars

Although it goes without saying that collars require consent, as does any BDSM or sexual activity, including BDSM contracts, a reminder doesn’t hurt. Of course, more submissives are honored and thrilled to receive their collars and treat them with reverence. But if you’re not on the same page with your partner, you can’t force them into a collar.

Yes, we’re talking about how there’s no room for 50 Shades BS in BDSM.

This also means that a submissive can revoke consent and remove a collar even if they once agreed to wear it. It may be helpful to agree upon a formal method of “uncollaring” if the submissive ever wants that. Doing so may require the sub to hand the collar over the dom like you might return an engagement ring.

Now you understand why collars are important to people in D/s relationships. If you’re not a fan of the concept, it’s not necessary in any way. And if you like the idea of a symbol to represent your BDSM relationship but don’t love actual collars or have to be discreet, feel free to pick something else to symbolize your relationship. After all, your “collar” should reflect you and your relationship.