Are you stuck in a sexual rut? Perhaps you squeeze it in and it feels more like a chore, or you rarely have it at all. Have you forgotten how amazing sex can be? Do you need to be reminded of your sexual side? Slow sex may be the solution to some of these issues, here’s why…
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As a woman, you might have asked yourself why you sometimes don’t necessarily feel in the mood for sex but enjoy it after it gets going. Perhaps you — or your partner — frame this as a negative thing. However, research shows that it is not uncommon for women to feel desire after sexual activity has already started and not before .
Scientists and sex educators call this type of desire “responsive”. While some women are capable of feeling spontaneous desire, which is more commonly experienced by men, many women have responsive desire [2 p 225].
On top of that, there can be a disagreement or discordance between women’s mental and physical arousal states . You may be mentally aroused but your body may not have gotten the message, and the opposite is also true.
It’s no wonder that women can take longer to become physically aroused — if there is even a chance of that happening. Engaging in sexual activities, especially penetration, can be uncomfortable for women who are not yet fully aroused . By engaging in foreplay activities such as manual or oral stimulation, you give your body a chance to become physically aroused. The arousal process involves blood rushing to your genitals to create vaginal lubrication  and swelling [6, 7]. Additionally being aroused not only make sex less painful but provides you with a greater chance of experiencing pleasure and orgasm .
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Read more in our guide to female sexual desire.
While it’s easy to view these common traits of female sexuality as negative, especially if your partner has a spontaneous desire or doesn’t care if you’re fully aroused, think of this as an opportunity to ensure that you are fully aroused and giving your desire a chance to culminate and avoid unwanted or potentially negative sexual experiences.
Slow sex gives you the opportunity to do that. Furthermore, if you’re one of the women who are capable of experiencing multiple orgasms or want to learn how, having sex slowly can take advantage of that and give you even more pleasure.
Other benefits include the ability to try more new things, and easing up on your joints and muscles (great if you have arthritis or mobility limitations, or are recovering from an injury),
Finally, slowing things down even if you don’t have any issues in the bedroom is a way to focus on the emotional connection you share with your partner, to enhance intimacy and truly make love.
Of course, not all women have responsive desire or want slow sex all the time. Sometimes a quickie is just what the doctor ordered; still, it’s a nice tool to keep in your metaphorical arsenal (or bedside table) to break out from time to time.
How to Have Slow Sex
Don’t Forget Foreplay
The number one way to slow down sex is to add more foreplay, those activities that traditionally come before intercourse. However, you might benefit from updating your definition of sex to include more than intercourse. Otherwise, it’s too easy to relegate making out, manual stimulation, use of toys or other activities that focus directly on the clitoris, which many women need or prefer to orgasm , as less than intercourse and skip them.
Obviously, that’s not going to help you have slow sex.
It’s no wonder the orgasm gap is so large!
Foreplay sets the pace before you and your man take off one another’s clothes, ensuring you’re not rushing straight to the finish line! Plus, foreplay helps you involve more of your bodies in sex.
If you don’t normally go for foreplay, you might wonder whether it has any benefit. After all, getting right to the getting off is good, too. But foreplay has some great benefits. It helps get you into the right headspace, can push you from “sort of in the mood to have sex” to “ready to go,” helps you get more lubricated and loosens up muscles. This makes things like anal sex easier. Foreplay toes the line between relaxation and sexual frenzy, and we think that’s just great.
You can check out all our advice about foreplay here, but in the meantime here are a few slow sex tips to make sure it blows your mind!
- Start beforehand. Like way beforehand. Tell your man that you wanna rip his clothes off after work as the two of you part in the morning. Send a sexy text (get ideas here), perhaps with a picture, during your break. Plan what you’re going to do. Tell him if you think he’d like that. Pick out lingerie and toys, and lay them out for when he gets home.
- Keep your clothes on. At least, at first. Blow his mind with your kissing ability. Explore his body over his clothing. Remain clothed during an intense grinding session, which might get one of both of you off. Remember what it was like when you were a teenager. Isn’t that awesome? You can even make it into a game to see who can keep their clothes on the longest.
- Get handsy. Tonight’s not the night to skip the hand jobs and fingering. Remember how good those things can feel! Fisting is something you definitely need to slow down to enjoy. Read more about it in this post.
- Give and receive oral. It’s pretty standard for a woman to go down on her man during sex, and we’ve even written the guide to that. But it’s not always a fair return for women. So make sure your man pays plenty of attention to your clit. Encourage him to go down on you, and let him know what a good job he’s doing. He may want to learn how to eat you pussy the right way too.
- Use your whole body to stimulate his. While many people use their hands, mouth, and genitals during sex, there are so many body parts you can use to stimulate your partner as well as unexpected body parts that can experience pleasure. Sensual spots are known as erogenous zones. Check out his erogenous zones and your erogenous zones to get inspired.
You can continue with sex toys, a sensual full-body massage (learn how to give a massage) and any other activity that makes you burn with lust. For instance, slowly securing your partner in cuffs and a blindfold will tease and tantalize. Learn more in our guide to light bondage.
Set The Pace
Slowing things down means literally slowing down the pace at which you have sex. The following slow sex techniques can help with that.
- Set the pace to your favorite slow and sensual songs to listen to when slowly making love. Save the hard-hitting rock for your quickies and choose something that’s perfect for slower sex. Check out our ultimate sex song playlist for inspiration.
- Practice mindful breathing to slow things down. Mindfulness can also help you more fully relax and de-stress (also applies to men) [10, 11], and remain in the moment. Mindfulness practices can aid with lubrication [12 p 111], sexual satisfaction [13, 14, 15] , and general sexual function [16, 17]. Check out this podcast about mindfulness and sex with the doctor who has studied it.
- Try slow penetration where your man enters incredibly slowly. You’ll be able to feel him inch by inch.
- Whoever is in charge can count thrusts. How long can you wait between them? Can he thrust slowly enough for you to count the seconds?
- Try tantric sex techniques such as breathing together. Find out why tantric sex is so good.
- You can get on top to control the pace — and angle! Learn how to master Cowgirl positions. Are you a little self-conscious? Discover how to feel confident when you’re on top.
- Try moving your hips in circles instead of just back and forth. This can offer some grinding stimulation for your clit. The coital alignment technique is another way to line up your bodies and break up traditional thrusting.
- Make it a game by setting a timer. You could start with 10 minutes of deep kissing, which is pretty much essential for slow sensual sex, then move on to sensual massage for another 10 minutes. The specific activities and times involved are up to your discretion. The point is simply to prevent yourself from rushing through the motions, even if you want to. By the time penetration happens, you’ll be practically begging for it.
- Take note of each of your senses. What do you see, smell, taste, hear, or feel at any given moment? Savor those sensations.
- Focus on the journey and not the destination. If orgasm is your goal, you might be more likely to speed through sex. Instead, aim for the general pleasure, intimacy, and connection that slow passionate sex can provide and let the slow orgasm take a backseat.
If you struggle to slow things down outside of the bedroom, it might be difficult to get the hang of soft slow sex. Practices such as mindfulness can be useful outside of the bedroom, too.
Remember to use plenty of lube when you’re having sex slowly, too. This ensures you don’t get sore and that everything remains slick.
Take a Break
Even if you slow things down, taking little breaks can be a fun way to catch your breath and prolong the end of your session in the sack. Are you surprised to learn that sex doesn’t have to be a short burst of frenzied activity? Don’t be!
If his arms are feeling tired, he feels too close to orgasm (more on that below) or you’re feeling just a little bit sore, take a break. Cuddle, laugh, or even get a snack if you’d like. Return to making out, grinding or simply running your hands along one another’s bodies before getting back to slow sensual sex.
During your break, your man might get a little soft, but that’s just fine! You can use your hand or mouth to bring him to attention again. You can also experiment with taking a break right after you orgasm. Many women become too sensitive to continue then, anyway.
A Man’s Orgasm and Slow Love Making
Slow gentle sex requires you to approach with purpose rather than just letting the cards fall where they may. Not only is it easy to fall back into old habits and speed things along, but for most couples, sex ends when the man cums. Now, having sex slowly might be a little harder if your man is the type to cum early. Check out our tips on making sex last longer, many of which make for good slow sex tips. But to slow things down, most men will need to learn how to wait until they orgasm.
Psst, are you a guy who wants to know how to last longer in bed? Check out this post!
Products do exist to slow him down. Lubes, creams and even condoms containing benzocaine, the most common chemical used to delay a man’s orgasm, are readily available [18, 19, 20]. There are some potential consequences to using these products, however.
- He may find it difficult to cum at all.
- Sex may last too long because of the product.
- One or both of you may feel too numb down there, which actually decreases the pleasure from sex.
- You could have a potential reaction. Do a spot test on a safe patch of skin, such as the inside of your wrist.
- You may be too numb to tell if something is wrong .
Try these products as a last resort. Make sure to use them only on the inside of a condom to preserve your pleasure.
As a whole, switching things up will be good to prolong the time it takes for him to orgasm. So don’t just let him thrust. Switch directions and positions. Choose slow sex positions that are a bit less stimulating for him. If slow and deep sex brings him too close to the edge, try slow trusting that’s more shallow.
Move from oral to vaginal sex and back to manual stimulation. Experiment with pitter-patter thrusts. Wrap your legs around him and hold him inside, or use your thighs to hold him just outside you.
You can try edging for either of you. Edging is the practice of getting near to orgasm but not allowing it to happen. Back off, then work yourself back toward orgasm. Repeat this process as long as you can stand it. The resulting orgasm is usually ah-may-zing!
For men, the art of orgasm without ejaculating is one that can be mastered to prolong sex, too. This is possible through two methods, generally. The first is prostate stimulation, and the easiest way to do this while he’s inside you is with your finger, if you can reach his butt.
The second method requires one of you to wrap your fingers around the base of his scrotum and firmly pull down when he’s orgasming . Just make sure not to pull so hard that it hurts him.
Both of these methods take practice to perfect them, so don’t fret if you don’t get them right the first time! It might be a good idea to let your man know what you are planning to do beforehand too so you don’t give him a shock.
Another thing to consider is not stopping sex just because he’s done. You can continue to masturbate, he can go back down on you or finger you, or you could reach for your favorite toy for him to use on you. Feel free to redefine what sex is and when it ends during any session, not just slow deep sex!
Most of this advice about slowly making love focuses on what you should do before your partner ejaculates. Why is that? Many men roll over and go to sleep immediately after their own orgasms, much to the chagrin of their partners. However, it’s not necessarily a man’s fault.
After orgasm, men experience a rise of prolactin , which inhibits dopamine , resulting in a temporary decrease in energy. Dopamine is one of the reasons why sex feels so good as it’s associated with the brain’s reward pathway . Interestingly, if your partner quickly false asleep after sex, it might lead to you feeling greater desire for cuddling and intimate activities .
If your man gets sleepy before you even get off, you might not feel the same amount of sexual satisfaction that he does as he drifts to sleep. So instead of trying to work against biology, you’ve got to use timing to your advantage.
This doesn’t mean that once he has an orgasm, sex has to finish. Every man experiences what’s known as a refractory period after orgasm, during which erection becomes impossible [27, 28, 29]. During this time, interest in sex may drop and stimulation may be underwhelming or even painful, similar to how many women must stop direct clitoral stimulation after their own orgasms.
The refractory period can last anywhere from just a few minutes to a few days [30, 31]. Refractory periods also tend to increase with age . But if your partner has a short refractory period, you can remain in contact, cuddling or experiencing your own pleasure until your man is ready to go again.
Make Sure You Have Time
Finally, you can’t have slow sensual sex if you don’t set aside time for it! So make sure you have time for it. Turn off your phones, lock the door and close the shades. Send the kids away to your mother’s house. Allow yourself the privacy to take your time and be as loud as you need to be.
Morning is perfect for slow and easy sex. Before your hair or teeth are brushed, get into Spooning position (a great slow sex position), let your man enter you, and feel him slow and deep inside you.
This all might be difficult if you think of sex as something that should happen spontaneously. Scheduling sex can be incredibly beneficial for your sex life and ensure that you have the time and privacy to slow things down and truly enjoy your partner.
If you find that real life frequently intrudes on your sex life, why not try renting a hotel room for the night — or even just the day? Plus, having sex in a new environment can be quite the thrill!
Slow Sensual Sex, Step by Step
So what will sex look like once you put all this advice together?
One or both of you decides you want to have sex later in the day. You sneak off to the bathroom at work to snap a photo of your panties and send it to your man as you return to your desk. He’s incredibly turned on by the photo and lets you know that he can’t wait for later tonight.
You get home a little earlier than he does and freshen up. You pick out some of your favorite lingerie and slip into some sky-high heels. You know how to dress sexy! You greet him at the door like this, and his jaw practically hits the floor. He wants to get you naked right away, but you don’t let him.
Instead, you lead him to the bedroom, sensually kissing and running your hands over his body. Perhaps you perform a little lap dance to some sensual music you’ve spent all day picking out in the back of your head! You can already feel him getting hard, and you’re happy to go down on him. Your man is harder than he’s ever been and eager to return the favor. He removes your panties and sensuously licks your clitoris while fingering you.
He decides to have a little fun and shackles you to the bed with your favorite cuffs. This enables him to run his hands over you and grope, pinch and massage as he pleases. You’re ready for penetration, and he removes the rest of his clothing. But he pauses just between your legs until you’re practically begging. He slowly enters you and continues at a pace that drives you mad. If your hands were free, you’d claw at him, but you can’t.
He’ll artfully swivel his hips in a circular motion, hitting your G-spot, and rubbing your clit during slow deep sex. When he needs a break, he unties you, and you straddle him. Now, you get to control the pace. But you want this to last a while, so you combine the pleasure with a bit of pain — a pinch here and a scratch there.
When he lets you know he’s too close to orgasm, you take a break from slow penetration, and he fingers you until you cum. You slip into doggy style, and he carefully measures his thrusts. You find yourself breathing in tandem until you’re both near orgasm. You cum (again) first, but you’re not ready for it to be done. Instead, you take him in your mouth and reach around to firmly press your fingers against his prostate. He orgasms but doesn’t ejaculate, and you can continue your sexual romp.
We’re sure you can take it from there!
Of course, sometimes you don’t have the time or energy to have sex slowly. That’s okay, too. Check out our guide to quickies to help you get the most out of the minimum time! But when you have the time, deep slow sex can be just what the doctor ordered.F
The Shepherd Express examines whether numbing agents in condoms and lube are bad for you.
The Irish Times digs into why men fall asleep after sex.
Better Sex Through Mindfulness by Dr. Lori Brotto teaches you how to remain in the moment during sex to improve your sex life.
Check out Becoming Cliterate by Dr. Laurie Mintz if you need some guidance for clitoral stimulation.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQ #1 – How do I get my man to have slow gentle sex if we always do it the same way or only have quickies?
The first step is to talk about it. Sexual communication is essential to a satisfying sex life. It’s unlikely that either of you will do what the other one wants perfectly without a little adjustment. If you can’t or won’t talk about, how do you expect anything to improve?
This discussion shouldn’t be a criticism but just a suggestion of ways you and your man can connect more deeply and experience great pleasure. Take the time to explain how your body responds, and even invite your man to suggest ways you can slow sex down or add new things to your repertoire.
You may need to devise a plan to slow things down. This can include scheduling sex, taking control, or incorporating one of the sexy games mentioned above.
FAQ #2 – What if sex is too slow?
While it might seem counterintuitive in an article about slow intimate sex to suggest that sex can be too slow, that is sometimes the case. Having sex slowly could lead to one or both of you losing mental interest or your bodies becoming unaroused (decreased bloodflow to your genitals will leave you dryer and him softer). If penetration lasts too long and your man doesn’t have the right slow sex techniques, it can be uncomfortable.
Sex doesn’t need to be as slow as possible. You might just need it to be slower than what you’re used to.
FAQ #3 – Is there something wrong with me if I don’t enjoy slow intimate sex?
Not at all. Everyone has their own sexual preferences. If you need a lot of intensity, soft slow sex might not do it for you. Maybe sex and emotional connection just don’t go hand-in-hand for you.
However, slow sex might also put you in a position where you feel vulnerable or insecure, perhaps because you’ll have to admit to your feelings for a partner or let him look at your body for more than a few minutes. If you’re especially bothered by these thoughts, professional therapy can help.
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