We all strive to achieve bigger and better things in life; we want bigger houses, nicer cars, better promotions, the best schools for our children. We never stop trying to grow and improve.
But why don’t we apply the same determination when it comes to improving our sex lives? Why is it that sex often doesn’t even show up on our list of things to accomplish for the day?
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There are dozens of reasons why it’s vitally important to focus on continuously improving your sex life, but the two that should top your list are because it makes you feel good and because it makes your man feel good. So with this in mind, here are eight things that you can start doing now to improve your sex life.
1. Change Your Attitude About Sex
The basis of everything on this list is your attitude about sex. The way you think about sex creates a foundation, and negative, unrealistic, or otherwise unhelpful thoughts about sex create a foundation that is hard to build on.
Confused? Consider whether you think any of the following:
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- Men always want sex.
- Women can’t orgasm.
- Sex isn’t something you should talk about.
- If you’re in love, sex should automatically be good.
- Men should always initiate sex.
- Sex should look like it does in the movies.
- You should always have sex when your partner initiates, even if you don’t want it.
- Women who like sex are “weird” or slutty.
- Sex is only penetration. Everything else is only foreplay.
- If my partner has erection troubles, he isn’t attracted to me.
- You aren’t allowed to enjoy sex.
- Sex should always be spontaneous.
- Your body isn’t good enough.
- You shouldn’t be attracted to anyone else if you’re in a relationship.
- Sex is for men; women just suffer through it.
- People who have fetishes or kinks are weird, immoral, or wrong.
- Men cannot connect through sex; women only enjoy sex for connection.
- Sex is only good if you orgasm.
- Sex is such a big deal, and I have to be the perfect lover.
- If anything goes wrong, the mood will be completely ruined.
These are just a few attitudes about sex that are common but not necessarily helping you have the best sex life possible. Your attitudes toward sex color your every sexual experience whether you realize it or not.
It may be obvious how some of the above thoughts are problematic and can limit your sex life. Other attitudes might take a bit more digging to see how the attitude is harmful. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you need an attitude adjustment.
You may notice that these thoughts tend to fall into a few categories with a few spanning more than one. These are categories such as:
Unrealistic Expectations – Expecting that you, your partner, or sex has to be perfect will always lead to disappointment, especially if you don’t communicate or practice. If you’re comparing sex to portrayals in media, it will never measure up because these media don’t show the realities of sex. This can make you anxious about sex. Discover how to get rid of sexual anxiety.
Judgment – Judging your body, performance, of fantasies will make you miserable. Worrying that your partner isn’t attracted to you is just an extension of judging yourself. And if you spend all of your time judging what you’re doing, you’re never truly in the moment, and that’s actually important to being a good lover . A specific type of judging is slut-shaming, which happens when you judge a person (it could be yourself) for sexual desires, partners, and activities.
Gender Roles – There are quite a few sexual stereotypes based on gender. Some have to do with a person’s role in sex. For example, thinking a man must always initiate or be the dominant partner. Stereotypes about desire can be pervasive and harmful, too. Flipping the script can be quite enjoyable, even if you’re unaware of the pressures and limitations placed upon you by society because of your gender.
Rigid Thinking – Expectations that don’t fall into the previous categories might consist of rigid thinking. But as people, we learn, grow and explore, and that doesn’t stop inside of the bedroom. You and your partner bring different experiences to the table, and you can use that to create something great and explore your sex life. Or you can remain stuck in a mindset that makes it harder to be your authentic self, enjoy sex, and connect with your partner. Redefine what sex means to you, ignore labels, get out of your comfort zone, and just do what feels good.
There are many attitudes about sex that we have to unlearn to truly enjoy sex. Sometimes we just have to realize that what our parents, teachers, clergy, friends or favorite movies taught us, whether directly or implied, does us no good.
So how do you go about unlearning those things? It’s time to ask yourself some questions.
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Why Do I Think This Way About Sex?
Sometimes this question is enough to make you realize that the reason you have that belief is nonsensical, and you can ditch it there. Many people do this when their sexual urges conflict with social pressures to wait until marriage to have sex.
It’s not always that easy, however. If we learn things when we’re young, we can carry those beliefs with us for a long time if we never question them.
Does This Attitude Help or Hurt Me?
Do you deny your sexual side? Limiting what you do in bed? Experiencing guilt over your desires? Too wrapped up in self-hate to enjoy sex?
When you recognize that certain attitudes are harmful, you can start to unlearn them. This may be key to gaining the confidence to ride your man, for example.
Would I Encourage My Friend or Sister to Think Differently?
Sometimes we struggle when faced with a problem, but we would give good advice to a loved one facing the same issue. So if your best friend or sister came to you with a similar problem, would you support her beliefs or gently steer her in a different direction? Take it one step further and consider the advice you would give her to start the unlearning process?
Am I Being Honest With Myself?
If one of your beliefs about sex is forcing you to be dishonest with yourself – and any partners by extension – then it’s definitely not a good one.
How Can I Benefit From Changing The Way I Think About Sex?
The answers to this question are myriad. You might have better sex, sex more often, explore your fantasies, become more connected to your partner, or learn to love your body. Who wouldn’t want that?
How Can My Partner Help?
If you’re trying to change your attitudes about sex, it will likely involve talking to any long-term partners. There may not be much your partner can do to help you to change your attitude about sex. After all, this is the change that must come from the inside. However, you could enlist his help to remind you if you say something negative about sex or yourself or seem to be doing something that’s rooted in a bad attitude (such as hiding your tummy during sex).
In most cases, your partner will probably be thrilled to learn that you want to improve your sex life, which may entail trying new things in the bedroom and getting to know your sexual self. In some cases, he may take it personally and wonder if he’s not good enough. You may have to reassure him that sex is good but you want to see if you can really up the ante. It may help if you can make it seem like a game.
Where Can I Find More Support?
Fortunately, there are websites, forums and groups, and blogs just like Bad Girls Bible on the Internet to provide you with information and support. There are also a number of books written by sex educators and doctors that can help you live your best sexual life. The key is finding the forums and advice that works for you and your relationship.
Could I Benefit From Professional Help?
While not all problems are serious enough to seek therapy or counseling, it can be helpful to see a professional if you’re having trouble unlearning some attitudes about sex. A professional can also help you and your partner work through sexual issues if you’re finding it tough to do alone.
What Do I Want To Think Instead?
Part of unlearning harmful attitudes about sex, which will ultimately help you improve your love life, is replacing negative attitudes with sex-positive ones – sex positivity is a belief that sex can be good and you should be comfortable about your sexuality (even if that means you’re asexual!).
Example better attitudes about sex include but aren’t limited to the following:
- My body is capable of pleasure, and I am entitled to ask for it.
- It’s okay to enjoy or even initiate sex if I like it.
- All sex play counts as sex.
- Exploring and kinks can increase pleasure and connection with my partner.
- It’s okay to have casual sex, multiple partners, or sex before marriage.
- Sex can feel great and be worthwhile even if I (or my partner) doesn’t orgasm.
- My desires are normal.
- Talking about sex can help improve my sex life.
- I don’t have to have sex when I don’t want it.
- No one is perfect, and sex is a learning process. It’s okay to make mistakes.
Remember that practice makes perfect. It takes time to change negative attitudes about sex, and it can be scary. But if you gently correct your train of thought as those beliefs creep in, you can remind yourself what you want to believe, instead. Over time, this will become easier as you build the habit of positive attitudes about sex.
Some people find it helpful to adopt some sort of mantra, but you definitely don’t have to do this if it feels a little weird.
Once you’ve changed your attitudes about sex and you’re ready to approach it in an open, honest, and curious way, you can move on to other aspects of improving your sex life.
2. Education Improves Your Sex Life
An easy way to have better sex is to simply learn more about the topic. For example, if you understand how birth control works or how to properly use a condom, you can reduce some of the anxiety you might experience about getting pregnant or contracting an STI, which will enable you to enjoy sex more. It’s best to educate yourself before jumping into sex , but it’s better later than never!
You can educate yourself in a few different ways.
There are plenty of websites and books that can teach you about sex, and a Google search will produce many options. Obviously, you can look at other articles on Bad Girls Bible to see topics we’ve covered in the past. For example, many people are curious about female anatomy and the location of sensitive spots such as the clitoris and G-spot. Have you ever heard of the A-spot??
A great way to learn more about your body (once you’re done with the diagrams, that is!) is to masturbate. There’s nothing better than the hands-on approach. Through masturbation, you can learn your preferences and teach them to your partner in a totally judgment-free way. It’s often easier to have your first orgasm by yourself than with a partner, too. Learn how to orgasm here.
Read More: How To Masturbate (For Women)
Sex researchers Masters and Johnson created a type of activity known as sensate focus  that enables your partner to get to know your body (and vice versa in a low-pressure setting). Sensate focus involves several sessions as you touch one another. However, the point at first is intimacy and exploration.
Another resource you shouldn’t forget is your doctor. Any sexual issue that might be a result of your health is one that you should definitely bring up to your doctor. Don’t worry; they’ve heard much worse! Issues with lubrication, arousal, infections, and medication side effects are all okay to bring up at your next appointment. Sudden sexual changes may have an underlying cause that can be treated.
You might be surprised how depression or anxiety, menopause, medications (including those intended to treat mental illness), and other conditions or injuries can affect your sex life.
Internet research can help you discover potential medical issues, but we always advise you to trust the medical professionals you’re dealing with.
Finally, it is helpful for many women to educate themselves on a specific topic: desire.
The desire to want sex has long been portrayed as a trait that men have and women don’t. But everyone likes to feel temptation and likes to feel tempting. Everyone likes to feel desired and desirous. Desire just doesn’t look the same way for every person.
Many women have responsive desire  (while many men have spontaneous desire ). If you’re one of these women with responsive desire, then you don’t just “randomly” feel the desire to have sex; you need something – or several somethings – to get you in the mood. Responsive desire and women’s sexuality is not worse or lesser than spontaneous desire/men’s sexuality. However, it is often misunderstood. Many people with responsive desire mistakenly think they have low or no desire.
When you can identify what your desire responds to, you can create a setting that promotes your desire.
Think of yourself as a being full of passion, feel that passion towards your man and watch the passion manifest within your relationship.
You can learn more about responsive desire in our article on women’s desire. This same article also goes into arousal brakes and accelerators. In short, some things kill your arousal/desire (brakes) while other things ramp it up (accelerators). There is an interplay between brakes and accelerators, and when you can understand this, you can encourage your desire in a way that actually works. One important thing to note is that women tend to have more sensitive brakes [6 p 60].
3. Choose Better Partners for Better Sex
One reason why your sex life might be lackluster is simply that you’re not choosing the best partners.
- Perhaps you’re choosing people who make you anxious and don’t know how (or care) to help you ease those jitters.
- Or you may choose someone who is just into completely different types of sex. You might be kinky, and he might be anything but.
- You could be picking partners who are very selfish and don’t care about your pleasure. Guys who are only into casual sex (learn more) or a little too into themselves might fall into this category.
- It’s not uncommon for some guys who are well-endowed to lack sexual skill because they think size is all that matters.
- It’s okay to be a size queen, but if you’re not looking for signs of compatibility and skill, you might be sorely disappointed.
What about guys who aren’t good communicators? Men with fragile egos? Those who make you feel bad about yourself? Your choice in sexual partner can really affect how much you enjoy sex.
Furthermore, having sex with the same person helps you improve your sex life. For women especially, orgasm and pleasure are more likely to occur with a repeat partner. First times can be awkward because you’re not familiar with each other’s bodies or rhythms. The more time you spend together, the more you can learn those quirks.
Of course, the novelty of having sex with a new partner can be quite hot. And you shouldn’t have to be in a relationship just to have sex. But instead of one-night-stands, you might find a friend-with-benefits who understands your sexual needs which ultimately leads to better sex.
And a partner with whom you’re familiar may be better when it comes time to talk about sex, which brings us to our next point.
4. Always Be Enthusiastic
This is probably the most important and easiest advice that I can give you when learning how to improve your sex life. Do not lay there, allowing your mind to drift, sorting through your to-do list for tomorrow morning. There is nothing worse than a bored and therefore boring partner. Pay attention to what’s going on, participate and be heated and excited and passionate.
Behaving like this will turn him on and will probably turn you on as well. If you do not come across as excited, he will know that you do not find him exciting and one of two things will probably happen: he will decide that you are boring and he will find someone more eager, or he will constantly feel like he is not good enough for you and he will find someone more appreciative.
What can you do?
First of all, don’t fake it. Pretending to be excited can be phony, transparent, insulting and will do little to improve your love life with your man. Find something that he does well that does turn you on and request it. Find something you can think about that makes you horny and focus on it. The more you concentrate on being turned on, the easier it will be. Your goal should be not just to appear enthusiastic, but to actually feel enthusiasm.
5. Have Better Sex By Talking About It
Another thing we emphasize for readers of Bad Girls Bible to have better sex is to talk about it, especially with your partner. You cannot know what your partner wants or likes by asking people on the Internet; you need to ask him. Furthermore, you cannot expect a partner to magically be a mind-reader. Sometimes you simply need to express how you feel, what you like, and what the two of you can do to improve your sex life together.
There’s a guide to talking about sex, but you’ll find some basic information below.
Talking about sex can take various forms.
During Sex – Don’t be afraid to ask for a different technique. Try a simple “To the left” or “Harder.” A breathless moan can encourage your partner to do more of what you like. Another technique to try is to encourage your partner, “That feels good. Why don’t you try X?”
Feel free to say “No” to anything you’re not uncomfortable with during sex.
If your partner isn’t focusing on your needs, you can ask for oral sex, for example. Proceed as though you expect to enjoy sex and he must consider your needs, too.
You might use this time to suggest a new technique or position, but don’t spring a huge suggestion (such as pegging) on your partner if you’re not sure what he thinks. During sex is the best time to talk about simple & small adjustments.
After Sex – Some people use the time after sex to talk about the session, and this can be a good way to connect. But if you have any critiques, talking about them can ruin the afterglow. Your partner might take it as a sign that you’re dissatisfied, or you may feel the same if the tables are turned. Instead, serious and difficult questions about sex should be saved for later.
Neutral Times and Locations – Sexual topics can be tricky, so you can’t have them just anytime. The best time for a more serious discussion about improving your sex life or changing your sexual routine is usually when you both have free time, aren’t under any stress, and don’t feel trapped (such as in a car). These are “neutral” locations and times, and the right time will vary depending on your life.
Sometimes people get really worked up when they want to talk about sex. Sex is important, and not talking about it can make you miserable. But you shouldn’t approach the conversation as though it will go bad. It may, but you should proceed optimistically and choose your words carefully. Don’t assume the worst; this can lead to communicating unproductively.
Give your partner a chance to think about what you’re saying. A big request such as swinging might require some time to think on while he might be much more likely to say “Yes” to adding sex toys right away. He may initially reject your idea but come around to it, or he may want more information. Be specific about what you want so that you’re on the same page.
Here are some tools that you can use that will help you to talk about sex:
If you find it hard to talk about sex, it might be easier not to have to do it face to face. BDSM contracts like the one in this post outline some of the things you might want to cover once you start talking about sex. Although not everyone is into BDSM, you might get some ideas from looking at the way BDSM practitioners communicate about sex.
There’s always the risk of rejection or even judgment from your partner. Sometimes differences in sexual desire simply mean you’re incompatible and that your relationship won’t work. But this isn’t often the case. If you’re willing to talk about sex, you might even find you share some unexplored desires!
It can definitely feel weird to talk explicitly about sex if you’ve never done it before. But it gets easier the more you do it. And it’s a good habit to develop for a healthy and happy sex life.
6. Get Time On Your Side
You might think that time has little to do with improving your sex life, but you’d be wrong. You can use time in several ways:
- Schedule sex – to make sure you’re having as much sex as you want and it doesn’t fall to the wayside because of a busy life. Scheduling sex also gives you a chance to get excited about it! There’s also more time for you to do whatever it is you need to feel prepared for sex. Some people think this doesn’t sound sexy or romantic, but scheduling sex shows you prioritize your sex life, and it can help you break out of the routine of only having sex before bed (or not having sex at all because you’re too tired!).
- Initiate sex more often – men initiate sex more often, and your guy might try at a specific time such as bedtime. If you want to switch up routine, initiating sex yourself is one way to do so! Your partner will probably enjoy the change of pace. It will make him feel wanted and desired. He might occasionally turn you down, but it’s only fair for both partners to try. Ready to try? Learn how to initiate sex. If you have responsive desire, you may need to get in the mood for sex first.
- Take your time – and don’t rush to penetration. More varied sexual activity means higher desire and a greater chance of orgasm . Quickies are great, but they shouldn’t be all you have. Get tips for foreplay.
- Track your sex – maybe you think you don’t have sex often enough, but your partner thinks you do. A simple calendar can help illustrate what your sex life really looks like.
- Turn the clock around – so you don’t worry about how “short” sex is, how long it takes you to orgasm, or get caught up in spending a certain amount of time on any given activity. Instead, just enjoy it. Listen to your body and your partner’s.
- Spend a little time in bed after sex – aftercare is built into BDSM, but cuddling after sex helps your brain get back to the real world without a jolt. Women, especially, like post-sex affection . Not everyone likes cuddling , and it may not be appropriate in certain relationships, but it’s a popular sex “cool down.” You could try a light massage in place of cuddles.
7. Incorporate a LOT more Blowjobs
And get good at them.
You are never, ever going to hear a man complain that he gets too many blowjobs. Men are hard-wired to be the providers. Going to work, bringing home the bacon, trying to keep his partner happy, taking care of the kids, etc; it all stems from a primal need to provide. Giving a man a blowjob is a chance for him to lay back and do nothing but receive, in its rawest form.
He will absolutely love you for it. It’s an opportunity to thank him for all of his good actions and good intentions. And did I mention he will absolutely love you for it?
What can you do?
There are two simple ways to introduce more blowjobs to your sex life. The first is by randomly giving him head, when you are not having sex and not about to have sex. This has nothing to do with foreplay and everything to do with taking some time just to focus on your man and expecting nothing in return.
Important: Randomly giving your man head requires you to take some initiative.
Two things to remember: practice makes perfect and he doesn’t care if you are not perfect at giving him a good blowjob yet. The more blowjobs that you give him, the more you will learn what he likes, by paying attention to his reactions and by asking questions (BTW asking questions and good communication is key to improving your sex life). The better that you get at giving blowjobs, the quicker you will be able to make him cum.
The second way to introduce more blowjobs is by including them while having sex. The variety is nice for him and changing the sensation might help him last longer, which might be nice for you. Switching two or three times during the course of one sex session is something that just may leave his head spinning!
For more advice, tips, and techniques for giving your man a great blow job, you may be interested in checking out this detailed blow job tutorial video.
8. Experiment to Make Your Sex Life Better
All of the aforementioned advice helps make the tips and suggestions in this section more effective. Sure, you can try role-playing or buy sex toys, but if you have deep-seated fears about sex or aren’t asking for what you need in the bedroom, these things only get you so far. Of course, everyone is a work in progress, and you might try new sexual activities while you’re working on yourself or strengthening your relationship. That’s perfectly okay.
But once you’ve got the foundation down — perhaps you arrived here because you don’t have issues but just want to spice up your sex life to make it more exciting — you can try any of the following.
- Lube – Using lube makes sex more comfortable, protects against micro-tears that can make infections more likely and enables you to have sex for longer. Flavored, warming, and cooling lubes offer unique experiences, too. Learn more.
- Sex toys – From vibrators and dildos to cock rings, anal beads, or blindfolds can all turn your sex life up to 11! Check out our recommendations. Of course, you can simply head to a local store or online retailer. Shopping together while trying to improve your sex life will give you a great chance to learn each other’s different desires and may introduce new ideas for things to try that you haven’t previously considered.
- BDSM – This acronym covers all your bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochistic fantasies. You can pick and choose your favorite (start here). There are flavors of BDSM for everyone, which might be why BDSM is one of the most common sexual fantasies [9 p 19].
- Role-playing – BDSM often involves role-playing, but if you find that S&M scenes aren’t up your alley, you can still try out playing another role in the bedroom. Doctor and patient or teacher and students are common scenarios, you can get more roleplaying inspiration here.
- Other people – Like any other suggestion on this list, having sex with other people isn’t for everyone. But some people really like swinging or have enjoyed having a threesome. You might be surprised how many people are polyamorous or have an open marriage, too. If you’re not into having sex with other people, you may want to have them watch while you have sex or turn the tables and watch someone else.
- Media – Porn, erotica, or even your favorite movie with a sexy scene can enhance your sex life. Try reading a sexy scene to your partner (even one you wrote yourself!), mimicking what you see on the TV, or taking sex photos and videos. Just be careful not to share them online.
- Sex positions – A new sex position is an easy way to experience different sensations. It might help you feel closer to your partner or even to orgasm. Check out the list of 119 sex positions here.
- Fetishes – There are all sorts of fetishes you can explore. A fetish for feet (Read: 10 Ultra-Intense Ways to Satisfy A Foot Fetish) is especially common.
Truthfully, there’s a nearly infinite list of things you can try to improve your love life (find more ideas here and here). You don’t have to try everything or even anything on this list; although, some people find it helpful. The key is to have an open mind and be willing to admit things you want to do and try things that your partner expresses an interest in.
These things might not be on this list. They may not yet be covered on Bad Girls Bible, or you may not even know what the activity is called (checking out our big list of fetishes and kinks may help with that). Rest assured that whatever you’re into, you’re not alone. Online communities can be reassuring about that.
One of the easiest ways to try new things is simply to talk about your fantasies. If you’re new to fantasizing, start by remembering favorite sexual experiences or things you’d like to try with your partner. Studies have found that fantasies about your partner contribute both to a greater desire for sex but also other relationship-promoting behavior . Although, trouble in your relationship may manifest in your sexual fantasies .
Remember, just because you talk about them doesn’t mean you have to do them. In fact, some people have fantasies that they never actually want to try out. But if there are fantasies you wanna try, then speaking up is the first step!
Ultimately, you need to tackle relationship issues, your own poor attitudes about sex, and focus on sexual communication before you can improve your sex life. But once you do, you might be amazed at the satisfaction you can derive from sex and how that might even improve your relationship!
This article on GoodTherapy about Sensate Focus teaches you how to use the technique created by Masters and Johnson to get to know your partner’s body and (re)connect in a way without performance pressure.
Exploring Your Mind examines the factors that detract from a fulfilling sex life.
Educator Michael Castleman wrote a provoking piece on Psychology Today that asks the question, “Would More Sex Really Make You Happier?” Focusing on quantity over quantity may not contribute to an improved sex life or more satisfying with life in general.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQ #1 – Will having sex more often improve my sex life?
This common question has no easy answer. If you’re unhappy simply because you’re not having enough sex but generally enjoy the sex you’re having, then having sex more often may be an improvement to your sex life. But you also need to take into effect other issues. Frequency is just one of several factors that play into sexual satisfaction. Others include sexual communication, variety, orgasm, setting the mood and oral sex .
If you’re dissatisfied with the type of sex you’re having, a lack of variety or something such as how selfish your partner is in bed, having more sex won’t solve the problem. In cases like these, it’s more important to focus on quality over quantity.
A study that compared same-sex and differing-sex couples looked into why lesbians have less sex, finding that their sexual sessions are actually longer and satisfaction levels don’t differ . You could potentially have less sex without being any less satisfied with your sex life overall if each roll in the hay was more fulfilling.
FAQ # 2 – Will improving my sex life make me happier?
This is another question with an answer that’s not so clear-cut. Fortunately, scientists have looked into this issue. One study finds that having sex weekly is optimal for happiness. However, having more sex won’t make you more happy .Another study found that sex leads to a mood boost the next day .
Remember, this is also dependent on other issues. If your only issue is that you’d like to have sex more often, than making an effort to have more sex, perhaps by scheduling it, can can a positive effect that spills over into the rest of your life. But having sex, even great sex, won’t solve other issues in your life; it will only distract you for a while — which could even be a good thing!
Furthermore, sex cannot fix a relationship in strife. More on that here. Having more sex won’t help if your partner is abusive. Nor can sex alone solve serious issues such as trauma from a previous assault.
In short, you have to be reasonable. There are limited instances in which sex can make you happier, but it won’t help if you’re not able to get to the real root of what’s making you unhappy.
FAQ # 3 – Does an improved sex life equal an improved relationship?
Another complicated question. When it comes to relationship satisfaction and sex, researchers find an intricate intertwining . They suggest that improving sex can benefit a relationship and fixing relationship issues to improve sex.
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