What Men Really Want In Bed – 8 Vital Components of Sexual Satisfaction

I’m guessing you want a magic bullet for this one? Do you wish that there was one amazing, awesome, simple sex technique that you could use to solve the problem of what men want in bed? Well…

The truth is there isn’t just one thing!

Anyone who tells you that they have a magic, secret formula is simply lying to you. There is no one awesome thing that men want in bed, that will satisfy them every time. It’s usually a combination of things, as I explain below…

1. To Know You Find Him Sexy

Imagine how powerful you feel when your man looks at you like you’re the sexiest person in the world. If you struggle with insecurities, you might need your partner to show you that he desires you. Guess what? Men want to feel desired, too.

And this can lead to greater sexual satisfaction because, as one study found [1],

Negative body attitudes toward muscularity, body fat, height, and genitals as well as body self-consciousness during physical intimacy were significantly related to greater sexual dissatisfaction.

That’s right; your man experience doubts about his body and genitals just like you do!

A long, deep kiss, a lingering look, or a butt grab can let your man know that you desire him and perhaps that you can’t even keep your hands off him. Of course, it can also initiate sex, which you’ll learn is one of the things that men want sexually.

But even if these little touches and signs of affection don’t lead to sex, your guy will know that you still want him and can make him feel more satisfied with his sex life [2]. And feeling attractive can be an enhancing factor when it comes to sex [3].

2. To Experience Variety

You’ll find that most guys enjoy a lot of different things in bed. Some guys really like anal sex and prefer it to regular vaginal sex, while others adore getting a blowjob from their girl more than anything else. You’ll even find that some guys enjoy nothing more than to cuddle with their girlfriend after sex. But most guys have a ton of different things that they love their girl to do.

You’ll even notice that certain guys don’t enjoy some of these things at all. Some guys just aren’t interested in cuddling or anal sex.

The key here is to try out a lot of different sex techniques and tips on your man to see which ones he likes and which ones he doesn’t respond well to. Obviously, you should use the ones he likes again and again while forgetting about the ones he doesn’t like.

The key here is to keep trying out new things and not just using the same 1 or 2 techniques.

Exploration is a big part of what makes sex so fun. There are plenty of articles on the Bad Girls Bible that will give you the inspiration to explore. But you might find some of the following especially helpful:

• 119 Best Sex Positions (especially Cowgirl)
• How To Be Good In Bed: The 9 Crucial Factors to Sexual Prowess
• How to Be a Freak in Bed and Drive Him Wild with Desire
• Don’t Forget His Balls! 9 Testicle Massage Tips & Techniques
• 13 Awesome Male Erogenous Zones

3. To Connect with You

Studies find that intimacy with another person is one of the main reasons why people have sex, including casual sex [4]. Even if you’re not in love, you can still be vulnerable, experience pleasure, and connect with another person for the night.

And for men who are in relationships, feeling a romantic connection through sex is also important. Women may be more driven to have sex because of love and commitment [5], but it doesn’t mean that guys don’t like romance, too. Sometimes dirty, rough sex is what it takes, but it’s okay to slow things down and gaze lovingly into your partner’s eyes as you make love.

Related: How to Make Love to Your Man for A Deeper Connection and 11 Intense Techniques for Deeply Intimate Sex with Your Man

4. To Feel Less Pressure

Men are expected to initiate sex, to do most of the physical labor,  and to maintain an erection. Many guys feel pressure because of this sexual script, which may not be doing you much good, either. You can help him to reduce this pressure. Here are a few ideas.

• Initiate sex: Your man will love it if you initiate sex if he’s the one who typically does it. Not only does this make him feel desired, but it takes away the pressure that you might say “No.” Plus, if you initiate sex, you get to have sex when you want it. Find out more.
• Get on top: When you’re on top, you’ll do more of the work. Your man can lie back, enjoying sex and the show! Consider shaking things up by getting on top once in a while.
• Take control: This goes hand in hand with the above advice. You’ll take almost all the pressure off of your man if you take control. This can mean anything from getting on top to tying him up to blindfolding him to telling him what to do during sex. Learn how to dominate your man in bed.
•  Get your own orgasm: Feeling like he has to make you come when you have sex is a huge amount of pressure. Help both of yourselves out by giving him a hand — perhaps literally. Taking responsibility for your orgasm ensures you get what you need and he doesn’t have to do everything.
• Involve the rest of his body: A lot of guys don’t realize how many tools are at their disposal besides their penis. Your guy has a mouth, hands, and any other number of body parts that he can use to please you and himself. You also have those body parts, and you can incorporate sex toys or accessories, too. It helps to expand your definition of sex so your guy doesn’t feel so much pressure to get and stay erect. Less pressure to remain erect is not what just older men want, either! Younger guys could use the break, too.
• Don’t focus solely on orgasm: Although it’s typical for us to define the end of sex as when a man has had an orgasm, and many men focus on that as their goal, it isn’t the only consideration when it comes to sexual satisfaction. One of the things men love in bed is simply feeling relaxed afterward [6].

Think of ways you can relieve the pressure your partner might be having about sex, and he’s bound to show appreciation.

Now, many of these things may require you to be more active and bold sexually. Trust me when I say that’s definitely what men want sexually. A forward and confident lover can not only make him want more sex, but it can help the two of you have better sex.

Need help being more confident? Learn how to have confidence when you ride him.

5. To Know You’re Having a Good Time

Men can be selfish in bed, especially during casual encounters, but many guys care about their partner’s pleasure. In fact, people tend to report that their partner’s satisfaction matters and affects theirs when in a relationship. This could be why women are more likely to have orgasms in relationships [7].

But you can love having sex with your man even if you don’t always have orgasms. And you should let your man know this.

It might be by moaning or smiling during sex. Dirty talk can be a great way to turn up the intensity during sex, to ask for what you want, and to compliment your man.

Get tips for talking dirty here.

This doesn’t mean you should go over the top of fake it, however; in fact, pretending you’re enjoying something when you’re not having a good time only encourages him to keep doing those things. Just show him that you’re actually enjoying sex when you are.

It’s also okay to tell him that you enjoyed yourself after the fact. Perhaps you give him a sultry kiss in the morning and tell him you can’t wait for him to do that thing he does so well, or you send him a sexy text because you just can’t stop thinking about your last session in the sack together.

If your man takes the initiative, does most of the work, and is a giving lover, then he’s going to want to know that he’s doing a good job. Letting him know he is, will boost his confidence and quash insecurities.

6. To Explore His Fantasies

Pretty much everyone has a sexual fantasy and where there are fantasies that you may never want to explore in reality, there are probably some that you do want to explore. The same is typically true of men. Exploring his fantasies is a great way to give him what he wants in bed, and it might also fulfill some of your own fantasies.

Discover other common sexual fantasies.

Chances are, you’ll have a few things in common. According to a 4,000-person survey done by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, the most common fantasies are multi-partner sex, power and control (think BDSM), novelty/variety, partner sharing, and nonmonogamy, intimacy, and romance, and experimenting with the same gender [8 p 10-19]. BDSM and novelty fantasies are so common that both you and your partner may share them. Knowing this can make it easier to open up about fantasies.

Instead of directly asking your man what he wants in bed, you may need to be a little more indirect, otherwise, he might clam up and not respond. A great way to be indirect about asking he what he wants in bed is to first tell him what you want to try and then judge his reaction.

When telling him what you want to try, start off with simple things like new positions or trying out a fantasy or roleplay. If he looks interested, then try asking him if there is anything that he’d like to try. It’s best to do this when he is in a good mood, like right after sex.

7. To Know What You Want

As a woman, it’s difficult to open up about your sexuality. You’re not encouraged to masturbate or to experiment like men are.  A real double standard exists when it comes to sexual behaviors [9].

But if you want to connect with your man, to understand what men like in bed and to improve your sex life, then you need to talk about sex. You can certainly let your man know what he’s doing that’s working, but it’s just as important to give him gentle correction when he’s not.

Tip: if you need something different, try praise. Something like

That feels good, and you know what would feel even better? If you did X.

Replace “X” with whatever activity or technique that you desire. Praise can get you much further than criticism.

This example is a way to be more direct about what you want, and what guys want in bed is often for their partners to be more direct. You might feel more comfortable or even coy giving hints, but guys can struggle to pick up on those hints. So you may need to be vulnerable and honest about what you want.

You’ll find more tips in the Bad Girls Bible guide to talking about sex.

However, there are many things that can hold you back from being open about sex. Changing the way you think about sex is crucial to improving your sex life.

8. To Have More Sex

While it’s silly to think that all men think about is having sex, there is a kernel of truth in that. A team of researchers consisting of Roy F. Baumeister, Kathleen R. Catanese, and Kathleen D. Vohs reviewed several studies and concluded that men have higher sex drives than women [10]

Women more often want higher quality sex, but men want higher quantities of sex. Now, this might not apply to you. Sometimes a libido mismatch occurs when the woman wants more sex.

But if you’re not having sex frequently, then your man might be frustrated or resentful. Some guys use this as an excuse to cheat. Of course, there’s no good reason to cheat on a person, but making an effort to have sex more often can improve your relationship.

Plus, you might find that you’re actually happier to have more sex. One survey found that once a week is the magic number [11]. And if there are reasons why you can’t have sex more often, consider the ways you can make the sex you’re having even better,

Related: How To Have Better Sex

Men and Women Aren’t From Two Different Planets

As you read over this list of things men want in bed, you probably realize that many of them are things you want in bed, too. Although there are some differences to appreciate when it comes to a few things (check out the science section below), men and women are often more similar than different. Everyone wants to live authentically and to have good sex without limitations.

While we can’t always get what we want in bed, we can often get pretty close if our partners are willing to work with us. This is how you’ll discover your guy’s individual wants and needs. Don’t be disappointed because there’s no magic wand to wave to know what men want in bed. Instead, enjoy experimenting and the pleasure and closeness it can provide both of you.

What The Science Says

Researchers have looked into sexual satisfaction and related topics such as desire and arousal.

What Men Want After Orgasm – One study of 38 men and 38 women measured arousal during and after masturbation to orgasm and found sexual arousal and desire decreased more quickly and consistently in men than in women after orgasm [12]. This helps to explain while men so suddenly leave “sex mode” after they come. While your partner might want to continue pleasuring you after he comes, his body makes it difficult. Keep this in mind and ask for what you need before that point.

Men Want You To Let Him Know You’re Satisfied – Another study highlighted the complex relationship between a partner’s sexual satisfaction. The survey of 142 couples found a slight degree of agreement was found between the sexual life satisfaction reported by women and their partners’ perceptions of the women’s sexual life satisfaction” as well as “a slight degree of agreement was reported between the sexual life satisfaction reported by men and their partners’ perceptions of the men’s sexual life satisfaction [13].” In short, if you let your partner know that you’re satisfied, it can increase his own sexual satisfaction to a small degree.

Relationship Satisfaction = Sexual Satisfaction – Similarly, there’s a connection between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. A study of 1,009 heterosexual couples in midlife analyzed elements of relationship happiness such as nonsexual physical touch and found that “greater relationship happiness contributed significantly to predicting and understanding individuals’ sexual satisfaction [14]”. This highlights that what you do outside of the bedroom affects satisfaction inside it.

Sexual Satisfaction Is Important For Men (Duh!) – A study of 2250 Finish people between the ages of  18-54 revealed an interesting difference between men and women. Overall, “the importance of sexuality in life, love, and the use of sexual materials were connected directly to physical sexual satisfaction among men but only indirectly among women [15].” While this study found that women were more satisfied with sex than a study from several decades earlier, it still revealed that men tend to be more satisfied with sex than women are. There is a chance that you could be somewhat dissatisfied with sex but your partner is not.

Communication Is Key – I’ve emphasized the importance of sexual communication in this and other articles on the Bad Girls Bible and science backs it up! One study of 142 couples by Adam C. Jones revealed that

The extent to which couples communicated about sex (or sexual communication content) was significantly correlated with both relationship satisfaction for both males and females [16].

Men Can Be Selfish When It Comes to What They Want – The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior from 2010 looked at the behaviors of young adults and adults in the United States. Results could suggest that men are more selfish in bed and thus more satisfied, especially when it comes to oral sex. Of the 2,857 men surveyed, men in every age group were more likely to have received oral sex (in the past month, year, or lifetime) than to have given it [17].

When it comes to selfishness, this can show in a man’s reason for wanting sex, too. Men view casual sex more favorably, and their reasons tend to be more personal than intrapersonal, which is more common in women [4]. Whereas women more frequently desire sex to connect, men more frequently have solo desires to have sex.

Men Want Casual Sex More Than Women – One study found a correlation of pathological personality traits, which men typically rate higher in than women, and sociosexuality [18], or tendency to have more sex partners. That is, men may be more open to having more sexual partners because of some of their negative traits.

Men Can Get In The Mood For Sex More Easily – In her book Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski writes about different styles of desire and sex drive. Although the book is aimed to help women understand their sex drives, it can also help you understand your man’s sexuality and the differences between male and female desire. A crucial difference in desire between men and women is that women’s turn offs tend to be more sensitive than men’s turn offs [19 p 294], which can make it harder for you to be in the mood for sex.

Nagoski also reveals research into spontaneous versus responsive sexual desire. While men are more likely to be ready for sex at the drop of the hat, women tend to need more time and certain factors to get in the mood.

Researchers Lori Brotto and Meredith Cheevers suggest that what “spontaneous sexual desire may, in fact, reflect is that the triggers are not apparent” to a person [20].  So people with spontaneous desire may simply be missing what their sex drive is responding to. Although they were discussing women’s desire, the same could apply to men.

Resources

This article on Cafe Mom about what men want in bed is less about technique and more about the mindsets that can give him — and you — the sex you desire and deserve.

The Cut describes the science behind sexual desire and how it can differ between men and women. This can help you understand his sexuality and give him what he wants.

Sarah Hunter Murray Ph.D. reveals that men want to be desired, too. Men often make women feel desirable, and you might overlook returning the favor if you think he should just know or if you’re struggling with insecurity.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ #1 – Is there any single technique that every guy likes in bed?

Odds are you’ll do one of the things men love in bed if you learn how to give a blowjob with enthusiasm. But it’s hard to say that there’s one thing everyone will love because people are so unique. Some men don’t even like oral sex.

While you can use what you’ve learned from previous partners when you’re exploring with a new one, recognize that not all of those things will be appreciated. When you discover that your new partner doesn’t like something, you should react calmly and try to be understanding. Freaking out or shaming your partner is definitely not what he wants!

FAQ #2 – How do I know what guys like in bed for sure?

The only way you can be positive of a guy’s sexual preference is to ask him. This gives you a chance to learn more about him and to connect. It may provide you with an opportunity to reveal things about yourself, which only further increases intimacy.

Read: 27 Intimacy Ideas For A Deeper Connection

You can learn about a man’s preferences during sex, however, if you pay attention to how his body reacts during sexual activity. If he moves closer, presses against you, moans, he likes what you’re doing. On the other hand, a still body, pulling away, or painful gasp can be bad. Because men tend to be quieter in bed than women, it can be harder to tell, however, which is why talking to him directly is so smart.

If you don’t plan to see a guy again, your communication about sex may be minimal, and that may be okay. But there are times when you’ll want your partner to speak openly about sex.

FAQ #3 – What if a guy won’t tell me what he likes in bed?

There are some things you just can’t discover without talking about it, and if a guy won’t have those discussions, you simply cannot know. You’re not a mind reader, after all.

You probably understand how difficult it is to open up about topics as sensitive as sex. Remember that we’ve often taught negative messages about sex, and boys and men are not encouraged to talk about their feelings, which can make talking about sex even harder. Providing a safe, trusting and nonjudgmental place where he can open up if he wants to is crucial.

Some tools do allow you to discover more about your partner’s sexual desires and fantasies. You can see a few suggestions in our list of new things to try in bed.

Sometimes a person may not talk about sex because they’re happy with a simple sex life. While there’s nothing wrong with that, you could run into issues if you’re not happy and your guy won’t entertain the conversations that will enable you to be so.

Finally, there are times when people don’t talk about the sex they want to be having or may already be having with other people because they have deep shame and guilt. Those negative feelings can lead people to do things like sneak around. While that guilt may not be his fault. his actions could be hurtful for you and even put your health at risk. It’s difficult to have a happy, healthy relationship when you struggle with your own sexual desires like that.

If you suspect your man’s silence indicates an unsolvable problem, you can try to confront him. But you may not like the results. Either way, it’s time for you to consider whether you should continue sleeping or being in a relationship with him.