Some people enjoy gentle lovemaking, but that’s not the only type of sex you can have. Learning how to have rough sex can unleash your own wild side, allowing you to tap into those animalistic urges and really blow off steam. And while hardcore sex doesn’t ring everyone’s bell, the unique trust dynamic that must occur for rough sex to remain safe, sane and consensual can actually bring you closer together with your partner.
What You Need to Know About Rough Sex Before You Start
Before jumping into our rough sex guide, I want to go over some very important aspects of rough sex to make sure you get as much pleasure and enjoyment out of it as possible.
Side note: If you are currently struggling to orgasm during sex or masturbation, then you may want to learn about the Easy Orgasm Solution. It begins by teaching you the techniques to orgasm easily and consistently. Then you'll learn how to have multiple vaginal and full body orgasms during sex and masturbation. You can find out more here.
Please don’t skip this before you try being rough with your man!
Rough Sex Is Not For Everybody
While I know that many students of the Bad Girls Bible really enjoy rough sex, not everyone likes it. Some people just aren’t into hard sex. Or worse yet, they may have had a really bad experience with rough sex. So just because your man isn’t responsive to these rough sex techniques, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong. There are piles of other great types of sex you can try with each other.
But what if you’re open to the idea but just not sure? The idea of rough sex might seem scary to you, especially if it’s your partner asking for it and you’ve never considered it before! But it might become appealing if you understand why some people are into rough sex.
Rough sex is appealing to some because it’s seen as taboo and a bit dangerous, which is one reason why men like rough sex. Physically, it can be more intense than “vanilla” sex, and that intensity helps people to get out of their heads and really exist in the moment.
Some women like rough sex because it helps them forget about the day. Others like feeling their man’s animalistic side take over. When combined with BDSM or other forms of roleplay, the effect can be increased.
For some people, the combination of pleasure and pain is intoxicating, and those who feel especially masochistic or submissive might take pleasure knowing how much pain and punishment they can take from their partners.
Related: 16 Hot BDSM punishment ideas.
With that said, rough sex can get a bad rap. Some people think that those who like it are messed up somehow, which isn’t necessarily the case. Some people might look at people who like rough sex as deviants. Because of this, you might want to keep your interest in rough sex on the down-low.
Furthermore, you might worry that having rough sex means you’ll never want vanilla sex again. Truthfully, some people need rough sex, but you can switch it up to keep things interesting.
Some people think that rough sex cannot be intimate sex, which isn’t true, either. The trust required for rough sex, as well as the intensity of feelings, can be intimate. This brings us to our next point.
Choosing the Right Partner Is Essential
One really vital aspect of having great rough sex is the ability to ‘let go’ and just enjoy it. It’s very easy for me to just advise you to ‘let go,’ but you won’t be able to do that if you don’t trust your partner. Make sure you are with someone who makes you feel comfortable with letting go and just enjoying yourself. That comfort is necessary for you to enjoy yourself and to communicate your needs.
Learn: How to get good at sexually communication.
If you’re still in a new relationship with someone, you might put off rough sex until the relationship is a bit more established. Or you might stick to more vanilla sex if you’re unsure about a partner.
Great Rough Sex Requires Great Communication
One mistake that can ruin rough sex for one or both of you is not properly communicating with each other what you both want and need in bed. Even if the idea of having hot and kinky sex turns you on, there might be some trepidation. The best way to get over this is to discuss the type of sex you want to have before you get down to it!
Related: What men want in bed.
Recognize that there are different ideas about what rough sex is. Sure, you could tie up your lover in bondage and hit him with a chain-link flogger. There’s no denying the roughness of that, but you don’t have to.
Discover: Whip, spank, cane and flog your partner with impact play.
You and your sexual partners only need to go as far as you’re comfortable. There’s no keeping up with the Joneses here. Indeed, starting off gentler than you think you can handle allows you to work your way up in roughness and find your stride.
Your discussion about having rough sex should include a list of things you want to do. In fact, being specific about activities such as handcuffs can help to alleviate any concerns your partner may have if he has a more extreme idea of what rough sex is.
Safeword – Finally, you’ll want to discuss a safeword with your partner. A safeword is a word, or sometimes a gesture, that you can use to indicate when things are getting too intense and you need your lover to back off or stop entirely. You can choose any safeword; although, something that’s short and easy to say while you’re in the moment is preferable.
Besides, it’s better to be safe than sorry
One popular method is Red – Yellow – Green. You would use it similar to stoplights. If you’re having good rough sex, let your partner know by saying “green.” “Yellow” means to slow down and use caution, but you might be able to go a little longer. Finally, using a safeword of “Red” indicates that whoever is in charge needs to stop immediately.
In some instances, you or your partner might not be able to use a safeword. For example, if you’ve gagged your partner, you’ll want another way to signal. Tapping the bed or surface is one option. Another is to give your partner a ball that she/he can drop if the sex becomes too rough.
Safety First
Obviously, rough sex comes with some risks. For example, binding too tightly can cut off circulation while spanking your man can leave bruises. You might not mind, but you should take a few steps to ensure things are safe as you’re learning how to have hard sex.
- Never strike your partner over exposed organs such as the kidneys. Aim for fleshier parts of the body like the buttocks.
- Use only restraints that do not restrict blood flow.
- Don’t press against your partner’s trachea.
- Do not hit strong enough to break a bone.
- Use lube to reduce friction during sex and reduce the risk of tearing sensitive tissues, which can aid the transmission of STIs [1]. This also applies if you are having sex in water as water is not a lubricant.
- Use condoms or dental dams to protect against pregnancy and STIs.
Check out this list of BDSM rules for more suggestions to keep hardcore sex safe.
There may be certain times when you should not engage in rough sex, including when you’re recovering from surgery or an injury or when pregnant. Use common sense. After all, rough sex is rough on your body.
Related: Everything you need to know about having sex during pregnancy.
When you follow these precautions along with communicating beforehand and checking in during, perhaps with a safe word, you can reduce the risks of rough sex.
Rough Sex Ideas
Today I’m going to show you some really exciting rough sex ideas to try out with your man. Some of these ideas drift over into the realm of BDSM, so don’t be surprised if some of these rough sex suggestions are a little ‘too much’ for you.
Don’t worry if you’re having trouble coming up with moves to make your sex life hotter or rougher. When you’re just getting into it, you can use your own body and your partner’s body to make it rougher. Imagine pinning down your lover with your hands or even with your knees on his arms! Use your weight to push him up against a wall, table or the bed. There’s so much you can do!
1. Be Dominant
Probably the most obvious rough sex idea is for either you or your man to get really dominant over the other. For many guys, they find it easy to dominate their partner in the bedroom. But what if you want to aggressively dominate your man?
Get Grabby & Take The Lead – Rather than waiting for your man to do anything with you, initiate sex. Grab him and take what you want. So grab his hand and pull him in for a kiss. Or grab him and lead him into the bedroom. Or grab him, push him onto the bed and then start undressing him. You’ll be surprised at how easy it is to turn guys on when you start grabbing them and taking the lead.
More: 9 turn ons for guys.
Get What YOU Want – Sometimes it can just be so hot when your man grabs you and takes what he wants without really caring whether you’re satisfied or not. It’s time to turn the table. So the next time you are fooling around, don’t give him a chance to take the initiative. Get him on his back, straddle him in the Cowgirl position and start grinding on him to get what you want. Your man is going to be very surprised if you’ve never done something like this with him before.
And if you’re not the dominant type? Let him be rough during sex while you submit! Here are 2 additional resources on dominating your man:
2. Leave A Mark
Scratching and biting isn’t something you’d normally do to someone you care about. But, when you’re having rough sex, there’s no better way to show your partner how turned on you are than by digging your nails into their back and holding them tightly.
The same goes for biting. Don’t be afraid to gently bite and nibble your man’s neck, ear lobe and shoulders as he’s thrusting into you. If biting is too extreme of a rough sex move, you can always suck and leave a mark that way! You can even give him a hickey.
Rough sex tip: use ice or a cold spoon if you need to reduce a bruise.
3. Hit Him With Your Best Shot
If biting and scratching your man is not enough of a rough thing to do in bed then you can try getting a bit more intense and slapping him. Of course, this is something that you should definitely discuss beforehand to make sure he is okay with it. Hitting can come in the form of slapping or a gentle punch, which you should avoid aiming anywhere you can hit an organ. The butt and thighs are perfect for this because they’re so fleshy. Those areas are also perfect for impact play and is why people love spanking them.
Related: Erotic Spanking – The What, Why & How
Impact play is the term that refers to hitting in general as well as using implements. This may include:
- Your hand
- Paddle
- Floggers
- Whips
- Canes
One of the best rough sex positions for impact play is with you lying over your man’s lap as he sits.
Here’s a tip for rough sex that won’t break the bank! Some of the implements require more expertise and dish out more pain than others. You can start (or stay with) household items such as a ruler, a spatula, or a hairbrush. You’ll find that some thinner items give a sharper “stingy” blow while other fatter items create a more dispersed “thuddy” one.
Some people prefer one type or the other. Experiment to find your favorite type.
Side note: You can also get your man to spank you too!
4. Pinch
While some people might think of pinching as a child’s game, it can come in handy when it comes to rough sex. You can pinch anywhere you can grab skin, and the more you grab, the less it generally hurts. Similarly, using your nails can create sharp pain rather than dull.
The genitals and nipples make especially good targets for pinching, and you can twist to your heart’s desire! Here are 3 additional resources on that:
- How to use nipple stimulation during sex
- How to give a good hand job
- 99 tips for giving a great testicle massage
5. Grab His Hair & Gently Scratch His Scalp
A rough sex idea that’s much easier to perform is grabbing his hair and scratching his scalp. Now there is a right way and a wrong way to do this.
The Right Way – Softly push your nails up the back of your man’s neck and into his scalp along the back of his head. When you reach the top of his scalp, lightly grab his hair from the roots and gently tug it as you bring your hand back down. Your grip should be tight enough that your man feels it, but loose enough so that his hair easily passes through your fingers as you pull your hand down. All the while, your nails should be softly grazing into his scalp.
The Wrong Way – There are a number of wrongs ways to grab his hair and scalp that will make rough sex painful and unenjoyable for your man. They are: Grab the hair from anywhere but the roots. Grab his hair from anywhere but the back of his scalp. Grip too tightly. Dig your nails in with too much force.
6. Restrain Yourself.. Or him
If you want to have rough sex with your man while remaining solely in control, then you should try using restraints. Many people think to grab a pair of nylons or a necktie, but these items come with the risk of tightening as someone strains against them. Instead, you can pick up some rope from the hardware store or specially-made restraints from your local sex store (or head online if you prefer) that won’t slip or tighten. These restraints mean you don’t necessarily have to be stronger than your partner as you’re learning how to be rough in bed.
But a great way to restrain someone is simply using your own body. Hold his arms above his head while you ride him or kneel on them to keep him from moving. If you’re playing power exchange games, the dominant person can require that the other person hold still. It’s a true test of willpower that can be incredibly challenging when you’re being pleased or punished!
And don’t forget to get your man to restrain and slap you too if that’s what you like!
3 helpful bondage resources:
7. Talk Dirty
Another activity that just seems to go perfectly with rough sex is dirty talking. We have a great guide about talking dirty. With rough sex, the receiver can ask or even beg for hard sex, while you can describe the types of things you’ll do to your partner when given the chance or even as you do them. Plus, sending those thoughts as fantasies over text or email during the day can get both your engines going!
If you’re down with it, dirty talk can include erotic degradation and humiliation. Let your partner know how much you like to see him bound and ready for you. As a woman who likes to be on the receiving end of rougher sex, you might enjoy when your lover reminds you that you’re his property or even to use words that would otherwise be negative outside the context of rough sex. These could include “whore,” “bitch” and “slut,” but there are plenty of other options to choose from!
Alternatively, offering praise for your good and willing partner might be something he’s more receptive to. Either way, dirty talk can feel a little awkward in the beginning, so get in the habit of it. You’ll soon find you know how to talk dirty just like you’ll learn how to have hard sex with practice. Here are 5 additional resources on talking dirty to your partner:
- 91 dirty things to say to a guy
- 81 dirty things to say during sex
- 43 dirty sext messages to send your partner
- 68 dominant things to text your partner
- 116 BDSM pet names for you/your partner
8. Tear Off Those Clothes
Many of the most passionate sex scenes in the movies involve someone’s clothes being torn off. Doing so requires you to be rough, and can invoke passion in your own sex life.
Rough sex tip: most people don’t want to ruin their clothing during sex, so choose what you wear to look sexy with care. You might opt for a top that snaps, which can be pulled open without harming it. Or you can head to the thrift store or dig in the back of your closet for something that you won’t mind having to toss once your activities are over. For these situations, try to avoid wearing expensive lingerie.
9. Thrust Roughly
Rough sex involves so much more than penetration, but that penetration can be rough in and of itself. Fast and hard is the name of the game. In fact, jackhammering is exactly what some people imagine when they think of aggressive or angry sex.
Just make sure you use enough lube to prevent micro-tears that can be uncomfortable, get infected, or even make it easier to contract an STI. Lube can also make it more comfortable with you because vaginas can be more sensitive to motion than penises [2].
Remember that you can be rough with your man when you’re on top of him, too! Cowgirl or the Amazon position can be a great rough sex position. Simply increase the pace and force of your hips.
Your man can also thrust roughly when you’re going down on him until your eyes tear up and you gasp for air. Speaking of thrusting deeply during sex, here are 2 helpful resources:
10. Manhandle Him
One of the greatest aspects of rough sex is when your partner grabs you and puts you right where he wants you. Or when you grab his face and force him to make eye contact. That grabbing, pushing, pulling and otherwise manhandling can be so hot and rewarding whether you’re on the giving or receiving end!
Wrestling is a great way to achieve this. Trying to overpower each other can be quite arousing and lead to rough sexual intercourse.
On the other side, many women enjoy the type of aggressive sex where their man forces them up against the wall while taking them from behind, which falls right in line with this.
Learn: 13 positions for sex against a wall.
Psst, Doggy Style is an ideal rough sex position!
11. Sit on His Face
An easy way for you to initiate rough sex as a woman is to sit on your man’s face. Your weight keeps him pinned down, and you can make sure he showers you with the oral attention you deserve. Facesitting is sometimes known as queening, and there are even people who build specialty chairs to sit above their lovers’ faces while being orally ravished.
Read More: How to sit on a guy’s face for maximum sexual pleasure.
12. Gag On It
Gags are fun thing to try if you like to be rough with your man. Panties can be stuffed in a mouth to make a gag, or a bandana can be tied around the head to serve the same purpose. You can also buy gags of all different styles if you want something permanent.
13. Clamp It
Clamps take the idea of pinching to the extreme. Most clamps are intended for nipples; although, clit clamps also exist. There are a variety of styles to choose from, depending on how much pain you want to inflict. Some even allow you to attach weights.
In a pinch, clothespins work fine. This is a particularly effective technique if you partner can have nipple orgasms.
14. Spit
Spitting isn’t necessarily rough in itself, but when combined with these other rough sex techniques, especially degrading dirty talk, it can really up the ante. It’s best to ask your partner if he’s into spitting before you do it, however. If he is, the two of you can enjoy some especially freaky sex.
15. Fist It
For many, fisting is the ultimate rough sex move. Fisting involves inserting an entire hand into a vagina — or anus. To achieve this, your partner should start by fingering you, adding them one-by-one until they’re all inserted. The thumb is much more difficult because the hand is the widest at the knuckles. He should keep his thumb straight and pointed toward the tips of the fingers so his hand is shaped something like a duckbill.
Once his hand is inserted, he can curl his fingers around his thumb to make a fist.
Learn: How to fist your partner anally and vaginally.
16. Choking – Don’t Do It
It’s not uncommon, either in real life and in porn to see partners choking each other. Some enjoy rough sex positions where they can place someone in a chokehold.
However, it is dangerous, even if you do it “correctly.” When the brain doesn’t get enough oxygen, you can blackout and experience brain damage or even death [3]. If something goes wrong, the person who does the choking could even find themselves in legal trouble [4].
We caution against choking as it can place pressure on the front of your partner’s neck or press so hard that they cannot speak.
Learn more about choking during sex.
Of course, these aren’t the only rough things you can do in bed, but this list should get you started.
After Your Session
We would be remiss to offer you rough sex tips without discussing what happens after your session. It’s smart to check in after your first few sessions and after you have rough sex the first time with a new partner, but it doesn’t hurt to do so every time. Even if you’re doing the same things as usual, it can affect you differently. Some people find themselves crying after rough sex.
Sometimes, you can be too rough. Things you thought you wanted might actually be better left in the realm of sexual fantasy than in reality. That’s why it’s so important for partners to check into each other after rough sex.
On the other hand, you might have liked it more than you anticipated and want to take things further next time. Ask your man what he thought of the session. Highlight what both of you liked and what you might change in the future.
This is also the time for aftercare. Aftercare is the term used in BDSM that refers to care that helps you return to equilibrium both mentally and physically. While aftercare is generally thought of as something the submissive/bottom needs, especially after sub drop, the dominant/top may find it helpful also, if they suffer from dom drop. Aftercare can incorporate a variety of things:
- A replenishing drink such as water or a sports drink to balance electrolytes
- A snack
- A warm blanket
- Cuddling
- Alone time
Don’t forget to treat any abrasions or bruising to prevent infection and other side effects. While it might seem like an unusual rough sex tip, aftercare is just one of the ways to ensure good rough sex and not a negative experience.
Getting the Most out of Rough Sex
Incorporate BDSM
One of the great parts of rough sex is that you can combine it with other sexual activities, including BDSM and roleplaying. Rough sex works well if you’re dominant and your partner likes to be submissive or the other way around, and you can add the physical elements of rougher sex into your power exchange.
More: Roleplaying ideas in the bedroom.
Although the media more frequently portrays women as the more submissive sexual partner, this doesn’t have to be the case. If you’re the more dominant one, don’t be afraid to take charge. You might be surprised to learn how much your partner likes when you initiate sex, climb on top and set the pace while slapping him!
Furthermore, there’s nothing wrong with switching roles or blurring the lines. Both you and your man might like spanking, choking, or biting one another, and there’s nothing wrong with that!
Even if you’re not into BDSM, learning how to have rough sex offers the benefits of being able to play roles such as police officer and criminal, which will involve some necessary but pleasurable roughness!
Go Shopping
Most of these activities require nothing other than willing partners. You can learn how to have rough sex without breaking the bank when you can easily grab a spatula or hairbrush to smack your partner’s ass. However, you can also stop by your local sex toy store or BDSM shop to pick up a few implements that would help in your quest for rougher sex. These include:
- Paddles, floggers, whips and canes for impact play – also great during sex from behind
- Cuffs and restraint systems to hold your partner in place
- Blindfolds
- Gags
The staff should be able to help you pick the right toys for your needs and explain how to use them safely. If you’re shopping online, many retailers offer similar information.
Getting Him To Be Rougher
Perhaps you’ve already thought about these above sex ideas for having rougher sex and are more concerned with your man being the person who is more rough and intense during sex. Some men are afraid of being rough during sex because they’ve been taught to never lay a hand on a woman. But he cannot read your mind, so you need to communicate with him. You have some options.
- Be direct and just tell him straight up what you want whether that’s for him to start being rough during sex or to be even rougher. Let him know you can handle it, and remind him that you can always use the safeword if it becomes too much.
- Encourage him to do what you like without expressly telling him how to be rough in bed. So if you want him to grab your hair and talk dirty to you, then mention how hot it makes you the next time you are talking about sex, “I just get so hot and turned on any time you grab my hair in bed” or “I orgasm a lot harder when you’re whispering filthy things in my ear”. More example dirty talking phrases here.
- Simply show him how to have rough sex by doing what you like and hoping he’ll get the hint.
If you’ve already tried indirectly getting him to be rougher, then it’s up to you to be more direct if you want hardcore sex and you’re not getting it.
Although the ideas in this rough sex guide might have you incredibly turned on, and you can’t wait to share the tips for rough sex your lover, rough sex isn’t always about pushing the envelope. You might engage in rough sex only some of the time, which will make it seem that much hotter as compared to your more traditional sex.
Resources
Patrick Byron discusses how rough sex can help your relationship on Medium.
The Wikipedia entry for sadomasochism touches on several elements of what rough sex is.
Bustle suggests 7 questions you should ask yourself before having rough sex.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQ #1 – What if only one of us wants rough sex?
If only one of you enjoys hardcore sex, you’ll need to compromise. This might mean only engaging in rough sex occasionally or finding something you can do for your man in exchange for him being rougher.
Remember, too, that you don’t need to do the most extreme activities. You can find a middle ground such as holding your partner’s arms down but not using full restraints with light bondage. If you’re creative, you can often find ways that both of you can be happy.
FAQ #2 – Does liking rough sex mean you’ll never like vanilla sex or make love?
Not necessarily. Some people do seem more attuned to rough sex or BDSM and may prefer to never have vanilla sex or “make love.”
Related: How to make love to your partner.
However, many people enjoy a mix of both. After all, doing the same thing all the time can become boring. Wherever you fall on that spectrum, make sure your partners enjoy the same thing or can compromise so that your sex life is fulfilling.
FAQ #3 – What are the risks of rough sex?
Rough sex can impact your body, leading to abrasions and bruises, even when it goes right. It’s not uncommon that you’ll have a sore vagina after hardcore sex.
Without the proper precautions, you could wind up seriously hurt, blacked out, or emotionally traumatized. That’s why it’s so important to understand the safety surrounding these rough sex techniques.
FAQ #4 – Do people like rough sex because of porn?
Rough sex has become quite common in porn, and that might be one reason why more people are trying it. While some people simply seem attracted to hard sex and would be even without porn depictions, research does indicate that exposure can lead to a greater desire for hard sex [6].
More Rough Sex Ideas
This list of rough sex ideas was long. Thankfully there is still a lot more rough sex ideas you should be trying. In fact, most of the guides and articles on the Bad Girls Bible can be adapted to rough sex, whether you are giving a blow job or trying to make your man cum.
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Good starter tips Sean! I’m a little upset that you claim people will get bored if they incorporate rough sex in their every day sexual activities. I beg to differ. The more you learn about what bondage has to offer the more exciting it can get. Not just DOING, but exploring and learning can be an erotic experience in itself. Also, slapping can be fun, but I’d recommend spanking first. Slapping can be VERY dangerous if you dont’ know where to impact safely. But most of all, have fun!
I agree with Jessica. Rather your girl admits it or not she wants you to be be agresive time to time. I love it when my husband gets rough with me. It gives me a sense of vounablty that dives me crazy.
I agree 100% I am experiencing this for the first time and I simply can not get enough. The waiting in between drives me crazy.
I have too many desires to be seen excited by them often where others
It’s so stimulating that they’re looking at me.
So, I always want to show them how pretty I am.
Whoever it is.
So… we need to practice dressing pretty and being sexy.
Or I want to show any young men th
My girl started slowly by asking me to go rougher and boy she loves it! I mean she does have her moments but if you explore this the right way with your partner, it can do wonders to a old boring couple :p
Have fun!
After years of i guess vanilla sex i finally told my husband that i wanted to try rough sex! Im glad i did it really helped the boredom of the same shit over and over! I have the best orgasms of my life during rough sex!!!
Awesome!
My boyfriend of 3 years has been opening up a World of pleasure through pain for me and it has been such a gift. Those are the memories I hold closest to my Heart ❤; our little dirty secret = sacred xxx
Omg I love rough sex I’ve only been with two men my late husband and my current husband and well….. I knew my current husband years before my late husband but we were the same faith fast forward 35 years and we get our chance and I had my first orgasam !
My current partner told me she liked rough sex but had never being pushed to her limit. When I said I would be more rough it caused more problems at first because I was bigger than her previous partner but once we both got used to it we now have the most amazing rough sex and she absolutely loves it and cums over and over during a sex session
My husband is much older than me and he was the first man to have sex with me. Sex was always good although I had nothing to compare it too. Then completely out of the blue we were away for the weekend and my husband was pretty drunk. He was acting weird and on the way back to our hotel room he started talking really dirty to me and all these things that he was going to do to me. Anyway as soon as we walked in the room he slapped me across the face and started ripping my clothes off. He literally ripped everything off of me and I was telling him to stop that he was hurting me. He slapped me again and then he tied me to the bed and he was slapped and pulled my hair and had very very rough sex. Once I got over the initial shock of what he was doing to me I figured out that I really liked it.
This is a little worrying. Your partner should always respect your wishes and seek your enthusiastic consent beforehand.