How To Be A Good Dom – Techniques, Safety, Types & Mistakes

A dominant, often shortened to “dom”, is someone who has and uses power that is given to them by their partners (typically a submissive) in erotic and kinky situations. Inside, you’ll learn…

• Why People Want to Be Dominant
• What a Dominant Does – 8 Things
• 7 Safety Aspects of Being a Dom
• 9 Things A Good Dom Needs to Possess
• 13 Techniques for Domming a Partner
• 5 Myths About Being A Dom
• 9 Common Mistakes New Doms Make
• 19 Types of Doms
• How to Become a Dom – 8 Steps

Before we start, I want to cover some of the important terms you should know:

Dom – A dom is one half of the dominant/submissive relationship.

Domme – You might have seen people use “domme” instead of dom.

Why?

“Domme” refers to women.

Femdom – The term “femdom” is sometimes used to make it clear that the dominant is female.

While there’s already a Bad Girls Bible guide to becoming sexually dominant in the bedroom, this article will focus more on being dominant in a D/s relationship.

Why People Want to Be Dominant – 3 Reasons

There’s no single reason why some people want to be (or just are) dominant. Ask ten doms, and you could get ten different answers!

1. It’s Hot – According to one study by the Science of BDSM team, some of the appeal can be the same for doms and subs. “For many people in Authority Transfer relationships, one of the initial attractions (and one of the ongoing benefits) is the erotic excitement that hierarchical relationships produce” [1].

Translation: A relationship between a dom and a sub can be sexy as hell!

2. You want to take care of your partner – Having your way with someone can be sexually gratifying, but other types of satisfaction can be had from caring for someone, orchestrating a scene, and evolving your power-exchange dynamic.

3. You’re not dominant in your daily life – Some people like to be dominant in the bedroom because they lack agency in their daily lives. Others have a dominant personality in all things. One study found that “[a]bout half of Dom and Sub also reported having the preferred polarity in their relationship with their spouse outside of sex” [2]. Meaning that they want to lead (or follow) inside and outside the bedroom.

Note that not everyone prefers to play just one role. That’s why some people are switches.

Switch – Someone who likes switching between being a dom and a sub.

What a Dominant Does – 8 Things

A dominant’s responsibility can be exhaustive, depending on your specific relationship, with many happening outside the bedroom. Here are 8 common things that a dominant needs to do:

1. Introspecting and honestly knowing themselves
2. Leading the relationship
3. Protecting and providing for their submissive partner
4. Training their sub with submissive tasks
5. Giving the sub rewards and punishment based on the completion of their tasks
6. Encouraging healthy or growth behavior in their partner
7. Designing and playing out BDSM scenes (including binding and providing sensations) that are pleasurable and meet a sub’s needs
8. Prioritizing safety, heeding safe words, and administering aftercare

If it sounds like being a dom involves a lot of time and effort, that’s because it does.

Who is Actually in Control When You Are a Dom?

From the outside, it looks like the dominant has all the power, especially if they’re wielding a whip or have restrained their partner in bondage.

In reality…

A dominant’s power comes from a submissive handing it over, and…

A sub can revoke that at any moment.

7 Safety Aspects of Being a Dom

The Bad Girls Bible has plenty of content about the various elements of safety within BDSM.

1. Negotiation – Many of these aspects are covered in BDSM negotiation, during which you’ll exchange information and agree about what you’ll do and won’t do during a BDSM session or relationship.

Negotiation can be casual, but it can also be more formal [1]. For more formal negotiation, a BDSM contract can be a good idea.

2. Contracts – Contracts are especially helpful with new or casual partners, as they allow you to exchange necessary health/medical information and ensure you’re on the same page. You can revisit your contract periodically to ensure it still works for you.

3. Safety – It might be helpful to follow a safety ethos, like some of the following ones:

• Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC)
• Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)
• Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK).

Read More: SSC, RACK, PRICK & CCCC: Safety in BDSM guide

4. Consent – Whether you abide by a specific ethos or not, the foundation of BDSM is always consent. Without consent, it’s not BDSM–it’s abuse. That consent must also be informed, meaning all parties understand what they’re consenting to. Without that understanding, consent cannot be valid.

5. Boundaries – Next up are boundaries. While you (or your partner) may consent to some things, it’s your right to define boundaries about what you won’t do or the ways you don’t do something.

6. Limits – Limits in BDSM are specific boundaries about things you won’t do. Hard limits are completely off limits, while soft limits might be things you can push up against or eventually do.

7. Safe words – During your negotiation, talk about whether you need safe words or signals, which can halt play if someone goes wrong. Safe words may not be necessary in all scenes, but are especially useful when it comes to consensual nonconsent (aka CNC).

Finally, don’t forget aftercare once the scene has ended. This can soothe mental and physical wounds and help your partner deal with sub drop (more about sub drop).

9 Things A Good Dom Needs To Possess

Below are the characteristics of a good dom. Think twice about subbing for a dom that lacks any of these qualities.

1. Honest, Frequent Communication

Whether you’re trying your hand at dominance with an established partner or have met a new play partner, communication is key to ensuring things go as smoothly as possible.

Communication involves both listening and speaking. Give your partner a chance to talk about their needs, wants, feelings, and past experiences. You should take these into consideration when planning and playing out scenes or even considering whether you would make a good dominant for them.

But be prepared to be just as open. Being a dom isn’t about being tight-lipped and stoic.

Go deeper: Tips for communicating about sex.

2. Compassion

Freely offer compassion, empathy, and even grace to your partner. It takes strength and vulnerability to submit, and their submission is a gift that you should respect, not weakness or something to be taken advantage of.

3. Respect

Of course, you should respect your partner’s boundaries and safe words. But you should also respect the risk inherent to domination, submission, and even the sex toys you play with.

4. Awareness

A lot falls on your shoulders as a dominant, whether during a scene or in your relationship overall. You need to be aware of what you’re doing and what your partner is experiencing as a result.

While partners should ideally be able to recognize and communicate how they feel, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes it’s necessary to read between the lines.

5. Creativity

While you don’t need to be the most creative person around, a little creativity can go a long way for a dominant. This creativity lets you design scenes to torture and tease your partner, potentially bringing them to sub space.

Side note: Figging can be a creative way to torture your partner.

6. Responsibility

We’ve already talked about the many elements of safety in BDSM above. But it’s important to remember that:

As a dominant, safety falls on your shoulders.

You have to prioritize it.

Failing to do so could lead to serious harm to or even the death of your partner and potentially prison time for you.

If you can’t prioritize safety, you’re not cut out to be a dom.

7. Self-Control

An effective dominant doesn’t go around yelling and slamming doors when they’re unhappy. You need to regain composure enough to communicate well. It’s also important to control your temper so that nothing you do is out of anger or could truly hurt your partner.

That same restraint is also necessary when providing sensations or even punishments to your partner. You need to know when it’s safe to proceed or increase intensity and when to hold back.

It’s not just mental, either. You need to have a good sense of your physicality to avoid harm.

8. Realistic Expectations

In BDSM, as in life, almost nothing goes exactly as planned. Your first scene is unlikely to be perfect. Your 100th scene may fail to reach perfection, too.

Set your expectations realistically, leaving room for improvement and accepting disappointment. If you can be flexible and maybe even laugh at awkwardness, you can still enjoy a less-than-perfect experience.

9. Authenticity

The trick to finding your stride is to figure out who you are as a dominant. Don’t mimic tropes or other people. This can come off as awkward and fake.

Unlike general sexual role playing, which can involve power exchange, becoming a dom is about letting a side of you that already exists run free.

13 Techniques for Domming a Partner

Below you’ll find some techniques for domming your partner. Keep in mind that being a domme is often about more than the techniques or tools you use, and your responsibilities don’t stop at the bedroom door.

1. Bondage

Bondage, including cuffs and ropes, restrains your partner and forces them into your chosen position, unable to go against your wishes.

You can start with light bondage or our bondage guide for beginners before moving on to something more detailed, such as breast bondage.

Tie them up: 17 pleasurable bondage positions.

2. Impact Play

Spanking, flogging, whipping, paddling, caning, and any other type of hitting fall under the umbrella of impact play. Impact play can be used for pleasure, punishment, or anything in between when you’re domming.

3. Sensory Play

This type of play is all about engaging your senses: sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch. While you can increase sensation, don’t overlook limiting/blocking a sense, as using a blindfold does to vision.

Combining multiple senses can have an amazing result. For example, a scented, warming massage oil activates multiple senses at once.

More: Sensory deprivation & play guide with 10+ examples.

4. Verbal Domming

Verbal domination can include giving commands, praising, or humiliating your partner, among others.

Related: What is a praise kink & 39 intense praise kink phrases.

5. Role Play

While you don’t have to role play to be a good dom, role play can add something a little extra when domming.

6. Orgasm Control

Few things are as fun as orgasm control when domming. You decide when, how, and where your sub gets to come, including ruining their orgasms or denying their orgasms when you desire. Chastity devices are great for this.

7. Ritual and Protocol

In D/s, rituals can help you get into the headspace. Clothing/costumes, posture, eye contact, and nicknames or titles can all be rituals. For many, putting on a collar is an essential ritual to start a scene.

Rituals are closely related to protocols, which are behavioral standards you agree to. Some people prefer more structured, high-protocol relationships, while others prefer a more casual approach.

8. Honorifics

An honorific is a nickname or title used to denote respect and roles. As a dom, you might prefer that your sub calls you Mistress, Mommy, Master, Daddy, or something else entirely.

This list of 116 Dom and sub pet names will give you some ideas.

9. Training

To train your sub, set behavioral rules and assign tasks or chores.

Read more: 34 rules for submissives to make your Dom sub relationship intense.

Then, you can use praise and rewards for a job well done. However, as a dom, you can also use punishments to deter unwanted behavior.

10. Service

Service is a type of submission where the sub performs tasks for, or in service to, the dom. As a dom, you could have your sub cook, clean, drive, wait on, or sexually service you. They could even become a piece of furniture!

Sometimes, domming involves loaning out your sub to serve others.

11. Free Use

Free use means that a sub must always be sexually available to their dom. Some people really love this arrangement, but health and safety must always be prioritized when you dom someone.

12. Dom Worship

Have you ever wanted someone to worship you like the goddess you are? You can experience it while domming!

You can also order your sub to worship a specific body part, like your pussy (pussy eating tips) or feet (foot fetish tips).

13. Brat Taming

Taming your brat can be a challenge, but oh-so-rewarding!

Learn more: What it means to be a brat and how to explore it safely.

5 Myths About Being A Dom

There are several persistent myths about domming and being a dom. Understanding what’s myth and reality can help you become a dom who others want to play with.

Myth #1: Domination is Abuse

This myth comes from people who don’t understand that consent is a cornerstone of dominance and BDSM. Not only does a sub consent to what’s being done, even things that look painful are often done for the submissive’s own good.

Moreover, a common ethos is that while a dom might hurt their sub, they don’t harm them. That includes physical and mental harm.

Myth #2: Being a Dominant Means You Are Also Dominant in Daily Life

Sometimes, people are generally dominant in all areas of their lives, but that’s not always true. Sometimes, people choose to be submissive because it means they can give up the control and responsibility they experience in other parts of their lives. It can be freeing to let go that way.

Similarly, some people like to be dominant because they don’t have much authority in other areas of their lives. Learning how to dom can be an entirely new experience for them.

Myth #3: The Dom Controls Everything

In many ways, a dominant has control of things that happen in a scene or what a submissive can do. But this control is given by the submissive when they consent and can be revoked in several ways. For example, a submissive might say “No,” use their safe word, or ask to renegotiate. A submissive can also end a relationship if they desire.

Instead of thinking of dominance and the D/s dynamic as being one-way or about control, consider it one of co-creation and mutual care and benefit.

Myth #4: Doms Get to Sit Back and Enjoy Sexual Favors

While D/s can include sexual gratification, power exchange may be sensual or erotic without overt sexuality. In fact, some dominants are fine with submissives of a gender they’re not attracted to because it’s not sexual or romantic to them!

Plus, being a dominant involves a lot of responsibility for your partner’s well-being. It can be exhausting, and if you feel like you’ve failed or harmed your partner, you can struggle with guilt. Even when things go right, you might feel like a monster for what you’ve “done” to your partner or experience dom drop, which brings us to the final myth.

Myth #5: Doms Don’t Need Aftercare

While aftercare is usually discussed as something for subs by doms, doms can also benefit from it. Depending on the situation, you may be able to get care from your sub, give it to yourself, or enlist someone else who can provide it.

9 Common Mistakes New Doms Make

If you’re eager to jump into domming, it’s all too easy to make some mistakes that could potentially cause harm. Many of these mistakes involve safety, which has many factors.

While these mistakes can sometimes be traumatic and cause harm, they’re also common. Making them doesn’t mean you’re a monster, but it’s always better to prevent mistakes than to fix the damage they’ve done. That’s part of what makes a good dom.

1. Not Knowing Why You (and Your Partner) Are Doing It

If you just want to boss your partner around with no benefit to them, or you’re only thinking about sexual gratification, you might not make a safe dominant for your partner. Being a dom often involves a lot of work, responsibility, and care, along with nurturing a dynamic connection with your partner.

On the other hand, if your partner wants you to be dominant and you’re going through the motions while your heart isn’t in it, you might not be creating a satisfying dynamic for them.

Similarly, if you’re mostly interested in kinky sex but your partner wants a serious and possibly monogamous relationship (or vice versa), a lot of feelings can get hurt. For some people, their D/s relationship can go as far as collaring, which some people view as significant as being married.

Don’t assume that you know what someone else wants or that you’re on the same page if you haven’t talked about it.

2. Being Overconfident

Overconfidence in your knowledge or skills can be super unsafe, especially if you don’t know what you don’t know. That’s why you should remain humble and seek out as much information as possible, whether from other people, books, podcasts, or videos.

Don’t assume that you know better than everyone else, especially your partner. They know what they want and need and what it feels like to be tied up or hit.

Part of being a good dom is not being afraid to ask for help (or aftercare), to admit that you don’t know everything, and to apologize when needed.

3. Expecting Any Submissive to Submit

There’s a well-known stereotype about fake doms:

They expect all subs to listen to them.

However, just because someone is a submissive doesn’t mean they have to listen to you.

It’s the relationship you have with someone that includes someone handing over the control that lets you dom someone, even if that relationship is only temporary.

Kink dispenser – And if you find someone who submits too easily, they might just be looking for a kink dispenser, someone who is reduced to their ability to fulfill someone else’s kinks and not seen as a partner with their own agency or even a human being!

4. Not Knowing Your Tools

Safety means getting to know your tools well and caring for them so you don’t accidentally hurt your submissive. For example, learn where you can and how tightly you can tie ropes and where it’s okay to hit someone.

While you can learn a lot from the Internet, nothing replaces first-hand experience. Practice using those tools. For example, you can try self-bondage to get used to rope and tying knots or flog a pillow to improve your aim.

You can also take a class or workshop to gain valuable skills.

Another way to get to know your tools is to have them used on you, so you understand the sensations they cause when used correctly—and potentially incorrectly.

5. Moving too Fast

Being dominant can be arousing (how to turn on a guy), exciting, and even invigorating. It can be hard to pace yourself. But slowing down enough to be safe is a must. You can’t just jump into the deep end.

Aside from learning how to use your tools or do certain activities, you should take your time when trying new activities. Rushing or doing too much, too fast, can cause injuries or negative experiences that make you or your partner shy away from D/s or specific activities in the future, even if you could enjoy them when done right.

So take your time. Start slowly and softly and move up in gentle increments. You cannot take back something that’s too hard or rough, but you can always increase the intensity.

One thing at a time – Add one new thing at a time, even if it seems harmless compared to something dangerous, such as choking. For example, using a blindfold while doing bondage can be quite intense if it’s the first time for both.

Get used to doing each by itself before combining them, just like you should get used to regular bondage before moving on to suspension. Leave edge play for future sessions when you’re more experienced.

The same goes for your dynamic with your sub. Strict honorifics and high protocol might be the goal, but you need to simplify things in the beginning as you find your footing. This ensures you can sustain practices over time.

Add tasks and expectations to work your way up to more complicated dynamics.

6. Pushing Limits Too Quickly

While you don’t want to add too many things too quickly to your D/s dynamic, you should also avoid pushing limits too far or too quickly. In the beginning, your partner may not know enough about their kinky selves to accurately describe their limits.

For example, it’s common for people to think they can take anything (or fantasize about it), only to find out this isn’t the case. They reach their limit far sooner than they thought.

Testing limits comes later, once you’ve had a chance to learn about each other.

7. Skipping Aftercare

Aftercare can be helpful for returning to your normal life from the headspace of a BDSM scene. You can also use aftercare to treat exhaustion, hunger, or thirst, and treat any injuries.

For dominants specifically, reconnecting with a partner through aftercare can assuage feelings of guilt that might pop up after a scene.

8. Misunderstanding Dominance

There are two main ways that new (or poor) dominants misunderstand dominance:

1. They think dominance has to be loud, aggressive, and rough. In reality, it can be quite subtle and even sweet or gentle.
2. They think being dominant is all about having their needs met and ignore the needs of their submissive partners. This doesn’t make you a good dominant.

9. Being Inconsistent

A lack of consistency can destroy trust in a D/s relationship and work against everything you’re trying to build. Be consistently safe, communicative, open, caring, and empathetic.

19 Types of Doms

While you don’t necessarily have to subscribe to a specific style of dominance, some people find these labels to be helpful. In total, there are 19 types of dominants:

Common types of dominants include:

• Mommy/daddy doms
• Brat tamers
• Rope tops/riggers
• Findoms
• Pet owners
• Mistresses/Masters – typically in 24/7 total power exchange relationships

However, many people pick and choose aspects from different styles of domming to suit themselves and their relationships.

How to Become a Good Dom – 8 Steps

We’ve covered myths and mistakes, but the tips below will help you truly discover how to be a good dom.

1. Find Your Community

Community can be super important when learning how to be a dom for several reasons.

• It ensures you’re not getting all of your information from a single source.
• The job of teaching you doesn’t fall solely on your partner’s shoulders.
• You can learn from those with experience, especially other dominants.
• You’ll find someone to bounce ideas off of.

BDSM brunch – Traditionally, in-person groups offered ways to connect kinksters with others in the community. People met at casual brunches in public places, and you may still be able to find one of those in your area. If you have a local BDSM dungeon or club, you can also become part of the community there.

Mentors – Specifically, you might look for a mentor. A mentor is typically someone who can show you the ropes, who also identifies as a dominant, and with whom there is no chance of a relationship.

However, the Internet offers more options for finding community, especially if there’s no local option to speak of. Social networks exist specifically for kinksters. You’ll also find kinky groups on various social media.

2. Seek a Partner

If you don’t already have a partner or you’ll be exploring your dominant side outside of your main partner, then you’ll need to find a partner.

Many people put their interest in kink in their regular dating profiles to filter specifically for it.

Look for partners whose interests and needs match yours. If you don’t like it when someone talks back, a brat probably isn’t a good match.

Some people have multiple subs, but you need to be clear with potential partners about your intent (or with your existing partner if you want to add a sub).

3. Talk to Your Partner

Before you even get to talking about specific things you want to do or what a scene will look like, talk about your interest in being a dominant, power exchange, and/or BDSM in general. Make sure you’re on the same page about why you’re interested (or aren’t).

This is a time to be flexible, not rigid.

If you can, find a common interest, feeling, or desire, and build from there.

4. Start Small

As we mentioned before, rushing can lead to regrets, injuries, and other negative experiences. It’s better to slowly compound positive experiences and build toward longer, more intense scenes.

5. Pay Attention

Whether you’re talking about your interest in domming, negotiating a specific scene, or playing, pay attention to your partner. Listen to their words (and moans) but also read and react to their body language.

6. Relax (a little)

While it’s understandable that you might be dealing with some nerves as a newbie dominant, being too nervous can make you overly rigid and jeopardize safety.

Go slow – Keeping things slow and paying attention will help you avoid unwanted consequences. You should also feel free to discuss your worries, whether with a partner or mentor.

You can try relaxation techniques before a scene and deep breathing during a scene to regulate your nervous system, too.

7. Get Feedback

Asking for feedback helps you know what you’re doing right and where you can improve. You can also use these talks to figure out where your partner is at.

8. Keep Learning

This guide to being a dom is meant to get you started, not a definitive resource on how to be a dom.

With that in mind, here are a few recommendations to continue your learning and become a better dom.

• If you like to watch, Evie Lupine. She covers all things BDSM, including relationship aspects that will be important as you explore domming.
• For readers, try The Loving Dominant or Heart of Dominance, which come highly recommended.
• Dom Sub Living offers information in multiple forms: website, courses, and podcast.

However, non-kinky learning can go a long way toward becoming a good dominant. Books or even therapy to help you master emotional regulation and nonviolent communication can be invaluable for a dom, not to mention a human being! After all, you can’t be a good domme without being a decent person.